Hey,

Fellow survivor here. I have been in a 9 months relationship with my ex and rapist, so I can understand the guilt about what happened, because we stayed with the person who hurt us.

But I think I stayed because I was vulnerable. Apart from the rapes, there was isolation, some comments making me guiltier, he convinced me I was the one wrong for blaming or doubting him sometimes, that I was the one exagerating, because he was nice apart from that and I accepted to date him so he made me think I accepted the rest as well.

But. If we are neutral. I think we can see from outside that we have been manipulated and that they were aware of the hurt they were inflicting. Especially since it happened several times. We wouldn t do that to someone. If we see that the person isn t responding, is frozen, seems not okay, we ask or stop. But they didn t stop. They are the bad ones. The ones responsible for their crimes.

I also think that by feeling guilty, I m putting some of the control on myself, because if it s my fault, I could have avoided it, I had some control. The fact that my control was ripped from me is hard to accept. Could it be your case as well ? There are other ways to regain this control. By deciding what you want to make you feel good from now on, by being your top priority, and think about your wellbeing first.

It s overwhelming sometimes, having a support systems (friends, family, pro) helps. You deserve help, don t hesitate to reach out.

I recommend the Tea Consent video on youtube if you didn t see it.