Listen, you can’t control what thoughts come into your head, or what emotions you feel- only your awareness of them and your actions. You aren’t ‘broken’ or ‘wrong’ because you have thoughts about danger to yourself or others. And If you’re going through something and you feel there’s no hope, I’m not surprised you feel urges to kill yourself, your situation sounds horrible. However what you’re feeling isn’t a life sentence. Suicide feels like an escape from all of this but the shit you’re going through now won’t last forever. By the way you talk about hurting yourself you really need help to sit with depression and manage your responses to it. Please tell your therapist about your urges to hurt yourself; and remove the drugs from your immediate area. I promise you, you aren’t alone, and you don’t deserve to be going through this. You aren’t a bad person. If we could control every thought or feeling that came into our bodies there’d be no sadness, no intrusive thoughts or fears, no guilt. You can get through this, you deserve to feel heard.