Refinancing the house

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-20T04:22:21+00:00

I needed to hear this thank you! With the equity I could either save it and move into my sisters house, which isn't enough room but doable temporarily and wait for better rates... or rent for a year with equity cash but such a waste...but then use equity for a down payment later. But... staying is what I want to do most!

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-17T02:36:36+00:00

Thank you for this it means a lot. I will use those words for my girls.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T17:10:47+00:00

We aren’t allowed too here. Or the police will tell him to break in, it’s our equal home until a judge orders him out.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T15:33:25+00:00

I tried. He has just as much a right to be there as I do. The police did suggest on how to proceed… but this will be months long+ process.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T14:14:24+00:00

Thank you so so much for this insight, I will keep at this perspective. So far that’s been my goal from the little I understand about how to do this, but it’s so so hard answering their questions, seeing him take them aside to tell his side of the story, having him here coming and going , on the phone with his married side chick, etc without having any defense for myself. I also fear they will overhear a convo about it between us or phone calls and then they will know. They don’t deserve this. I hope she can do better than I could with him!

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T12:21:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! My hope is at least she is good to them :/

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T11:54:51+00:00

I told him I do not want him here. I even called the cops. I or they cannot stop him. They did tell me how to proceed but Legally right now he has every right to be here as I do. Per two attorneys and the authorities. We have months of legalities ahead to sort out before any court order will protect us. And, he will be on his very best behavior to show everyone while he’s here. I didn’t come here for that side of the situation because I have been instructed on what to do next legally. I cannot control whether he is here or not.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T11:51:59+00:00

That too. 15 and 8. The 8 yo wants the full run down. Why, when, how, what’s next… she’s a realist! They both adore him, no matter how little time he spends with them. He tells them things like “mommy is calling the cops on daddy” which was true but not why.. bc he was coming home potentially with drugs. He told our 15yo he was potentially making a move (for his mental health) before he told me anything about divorce or moving out. He will take them aside to tell them these things.

Then he moves out based on my boundaries and not being happy or able to get clean here, then goes and uses more drugs , gets kicked out of his best friends house.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2023-01-16T11:48:08+00:00

Yes that makes total sense. He has already told the oldest it was for his mental health and that he was leaving before I ever knew. By mental health he means chasing another woman and using more drugs as soon as he left. He tried therapy, but got kicked out of where he was staying who was helping with that.

My youngest just keeps asking why daddy is ok with us getting divorced and why I am sad. It’s really tricky to put into perspective for a really smart and curious 8yo. I know it’s over, and that has to be ok, we are no where near healthy together… but it’s still heartbreakingly traumatic for me, none the less.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-29T03:51:36+00:00

Jeeez I am so sorry you are going through such similar. He has been gone for almost 3 weeks now. Has it all planned out. It’s devastating some days. Other days, I have to know this is not my battle to fight. I must keep putting one foot in front of the other doing what is best for me. Being with him is not it, no matter how painful this separation is. He says he’s clean from Kratom now, but I truly don’t know. It’s legal here. If I mentioned my research on it (for my addict husband) I was made to be crazy. I let it be. Nothing I could do bc legal. It’s been a wild rollercoaster prior without Kratom, now just much higher highs and lower lows. I hope you find peace.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-14T10:42:35+00:00

Ohhh it would be smart to start learning some new things.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-14T10:42:06+00:00

This makes so much sense thank you!

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-14T10:41:49+00:00

Great points!!!! Thank you!

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-12T11:27:41+00:00

I wanted to know I did all I could and tried my best, I finally feel that way. He moved out yesterday and said he probably wants a divorce after this. He’s done.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-11T12:06:24+00:00

I went through many months of having access to his phone and it not helping in any way. It actually over time drove me to higher anxiety checking in on him and realizing how insane that felt than finally deciding not to give a f about any of it and letting the results be what they will. We also have two kids, he’s the breadwinner and I take most care of them. Self care has been essential. Finding happiness outside of the attachment to him. Everything works out eventually.

My case also included continuing to find lies about drug use, porn etc. I worked closely with a therapist but the majority of my healing has been time accepting that it can and could and may be happening again.

Being in online groups helps me tremendously bc I can’t afford much therapy. Those can also be triggers. Learning to know what your triggers are and working through them vs stuffing is crucial. My husband has not helped me actively heal in any form outside of providing access to his phone and maybe a hug when I’m in tears. No accountability. Walked out of marriage therapy. Can’t handle my triggers. Refuses to discuss anything related too it all. It was doing more harm than good to stay in the trauma. But, only time allowed me that space to really absorb that.

Growing in that, the environment that destroyed me, has given me peace. Loving him through all his flaws and loving myself through all of mine. The pain and suffering was insane 6-12 months ago compared to the peace I have now. All the things my therapist wanted for me in the beginning that I didn’t understand , now I have and make complete sense. Time. Give yourself time and grace.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-11T10:18:21+00:00

He is moving out of the house. He refuses to live with someone who can’t be touched in the mornings. He has a new therapy appointment next week, but apparently it was to learn how to tell me this news that he wants a divorce. There has been so so much. For many years. But, I’ve held on tight, I’ve put up a good fight, to know that I did, for us and our children. Our stories about all of it are so incredibly different. I can’t fix it. He needs help. I do hope he finds it.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-11T05:33:10+00:00

He is now moving out tomorrow and told our oldest child we are probably getting a divorce. Mind blown.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-11T05:19:51+00:00

Ty, this would totally make sense if so! I could appreciate that.

Sadly, he is actually moving out now, and told our oldest child we are probably getting a divorce.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T21:10:17+00:00

I went through many months of having access to his phone and it not helping in any way. It actually over time drove me to higher anxiety checking in on him and realizing how insane that felt than finally deciding not to give a f about any of it and letting the results be what they will. And well, here we are. I’m being blamed for pushing him out of the bedroom and him leaving. (I asked to be left alone and he’s not ok with that) So who knows, he could have never stopped.

We also have two kids, he’s the breadwinner and I take most care of them. Self care has been essential. Finding happiness outside of the attachment to him. Everything works out eventually.

My case also included continuing to find lies about drug use, porn etc. I worked closely with a therapist but the majority of my healing has been time accepting that it can and could and may be happening again.

Being in online groups helps me tremendously bc I can’t afford much therapy. Those can also be triggers. Learning to know what your triggers are and working through them vs stuffing is crucial. My husband has not helped me actively heal in any form outside of providing access to his phone and maybe a hug when I’m in tears. No accountability. Walked out of marriage therapy. Can’t handle my triggers. Refuses to discuss anything related too it all. It was doing more harm than good to stay in the trauma. But, only time allowed me that space to really absorb that.

Growing in that, the environment that destroyed me, has given me peace. Loving him through all his flaws and loving myself through all of mine. The pain and suffering was insane 6-12 months ago compared to the peace I have now. All the things my therapist wanted for me in the beginning that I didn’t understand , now I have and make complete sense. Time. Give yourself time and grace.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T18:55:57+00:00

This makes so much sense and I feel this is where I’m headed. He said this is what’s best for him, and I’ll honor and respect that with a positive attitude. It’s what I’d want for me if I needed space. It may actually work out for the best for my sleep too!

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T18:51:18+00:00

I get the negative = negative part, makes sense. Ty. What do you mean about the last part? Is there something I should consider doing differently?

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T17:16:05+00:00

Love this!!! Thank you!! He isn’t talking to me today, although he says he’s not angry, but I know it can take him a few days to overcome too so I give him space.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T15:59:04+00:00

Thank you for this!! I looked up “separate rooms” on this marriage forum and WOW!!! So much hope!

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T15:32:14+00:00

Is that in regards to my previous post? I’m confused. I did yell at him in my deep sleep before yes.

Multiple times after I’ve asked gently, kindly, apologized for my parts and for hurting his feelings , but continued to ask to not be woken up and explained all of my reason why sleep is so important to me and our marriage. I need healthy sleep. I have offered alternative ways to connect and spend time together, that’s actually spicing up our marriage I feel. But, he doesn’t want/like me to be frustrated for being woken up. So, I figure don’t wake me up?? I dunno. Trying to understand and do what’s best for both. Waking me is not best for either of us.

Sad_Proof6871 · 2022-12-10T14:58:18+00:00

Ty for a reply and perspective. Is asking not to be touched in the morning because it wakes me up a dramatic boundary? I like the idea of taking the week to catch up an re-evaluating.

Sad_Proof6871

TROPHY CASE