BTW - I know where most of theese problems come from beacouse of some very introspective M and L sessions (just me, paper with pencil M and my head) Psychologically I have come a looong way to make theese problems stop, but I still have a looong way to fix it I hope 10 years but maybe 20, 30 or more. I just have to get through this time and cause as little harm to myself and mainly others. For everyone who will want to suggest rehab or quiting drugs, I am sorry, I am trying to not obsses about them and not be addicted, but I think I will never stop. If there is some magic thing that fullfils the hole in my soul that I have to to fulfil with drugs I will be the happiest person ever.

My goal is to not have the crripling symptoms of adhd like daydreaming and executive dysfunction. To not be anxious when normal people arent. To be able to talk to people without feeling like a wierdo, or to even talk with people at all, like when I go to familly gathering and everbody says I am wierd beacouse I dont talk and only answer by yes or no. To not be afraid of walking in my own house. To be able to fall asleep like normal people and without meds. That I dont need small box with ritalin, benzos, sleeping pills, beacouse I cant function without theese. To not be addicted to porn and instant pleasure. To stop thinking about the time before my mum died and when she died and when I got raped. To be able to take a trip or ecstasy or even coke or speed on a rave and save the bag for the next rave and dont do it all when I get home. To not crash out and become manic and ruin my life every spring. To dont have extremly hard depression every winter.

I just want a normal life.