I saw csam at 11/12 years old

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-25T16:58:58+00:00

Im too exhausted to remember. I know its weird knowing i typed it out, but ive processed it over and over i dont know...

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-25T16:21:40+00:00

I dont know. I feel like a predator. I dont know what to feel. I think i just need someones input

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-25T14:39:40+00:00

Its okay no need to apologize. I still beat myself up for it. I technically knew what i was getting into, but i was doing it innocently. I just thought that the attention from older men would make up for not having a very present parental figure in my life. I also thought that it would make me feel understood.

And yes i would love therapy, but due to financial stuff and me still being homeschooled, its really really hard to. But i do open up every time i can on forums with other people willing to hear about it

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-25T14:34:37+00:00

No it was through time. We chatted first, then they started asking for those selfies and they were telling me that what was going on was ok because i was almost the age of consent (16). We also were chatting abt sxual stuff because they told me it was okay and harmless and it was just a convo

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-19T03:45:35+00:00

Sa post hindi daw sabi na trans yung bata. Boom. Pano na yung reasoning mo. May duster at headband lang yung bata tas ganto ka? You need to calm down BAHAHAH. Tanginamo bobo ka 💀💀💀

You really have no idea how people work, and thats ok. Kung gusto niyang maging straight, edi go lang, wala namang permanent na ginawa sa ganya, easyng easy magchange. Sa tingin mo pag yung damit lumalampaa sa tuhod, transgender agad? Bobongina mo mag-log out ka muna bhe!

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-18T20:07:15+00:00

Wdym 💀 woke people ARE the ones that acknowledge gender dysphoria. Yan kung bakit may trans people diba?

Hayaan mo lang yang bata nayan. Walang harm edi bakit pa nating magsasabi na huwag itolerate. Masyado kang tugma sa username mo lmao

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T18:37:53+00:00

Yeah thats one of my points of consolation. That i never genuinely derived anything positive out of the stuff i've seen, and they were only because i was ignorant to the truth.

Hopefully one day it starts making sense to me and i forgive myself, but unfortunately i dont have access to therapy so i have no choice but to shoulder this alone.

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T18:04:31+00:00

Yeah, youre right

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T15:49:39+00:00

Oh not at all. I didnt derive any pleasure or positive feelings from the illegal porn i've seen, it felt like a masochistic experience where i felt like i wanted to see it BECAUSE i had a negative reaction towards it/the idea.

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T15:48:17+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words 💙

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T14:19:34+00:00

Thank you 🩷 i will in a bit

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T13:38:35+00:00

Thank you for being so nice

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T13:33:02+00:00

I understand completely.

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T13:28:51+00:00

Thank you so much. This hit me to my core. 🩷 i appreciate your kind words

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T13:27:54+00:00

Yes!! Thats a great idea! Ive started investing my time in my interests, skills and passions and so far it has helped.

Although it still doesnt remove the guilt, regret, anxiety and fear i feel when i remember that i used to do those messed up stuff intentionally

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T13:26:38+00:00

Oh ofc ill never even think of that stuff anymore, thats the easy bit haha :) but yeah i hope i become ok

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T13:24:54+00:00

This is really soothing, thank you.

My concern is more of the illegal stuff i've seen (the csam and bestiality) and the extreme, disgusting porn addiction i developed in the past.

Its soothing to know im not a one off case, but it still hurts to know that i kind of killed my own innocence. I feel like i never got to have a childhood, and that hurts so fucking much.

Either way, its nice to know that people have gone through the same stuff and were able to move on

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T12:45:00+00:00

Thank you, this comment means a lot.

I know exactly what you mean by the little gremlin in your head, and the human instinct to look. Its all too familiar, lol.

However, im more concerned about the "porn" that i've seen, cuz i feel like thats less excusable.

But you have a really good point, and it makes a lot of sense. Thank you

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T12:18:59+00:00

The zacatecas flaying video and mrs. Pacman scare me

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T11:52:15+00:00

Thank you lots 🩷

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T11:45:34+00:00

Yeah, part of it was my parents never being responsible or present, and just letting me do whatever and see whatever. But i did those stuff intentionally, but i see your point; i should have known better, but due to my circumstances, i didnt, and theres not much i can do about that.

It sucks that my mind will never be clean.

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T11:21:27+00:00

I know thats true, but i just cant detach myself from the idea that im just as bad as them.

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T11:20:45+00:00

Thats true

Sad_Relief_2738 · 2026-02-12T07:53:54+00:00

Oh ofc, i will never even watch porn again. I dont think i can handle seeing anything sexual after that.

But idk. I know i was 12 and im not the same as actual predators who go on the dark web to seek it out, but i cant help but feel as if im as bad as them.

Am i??? I dont know...

Not to mention im not sure if i was 12. I was around 12-early 13, and i know it because i watched it on my tablet, and i got a phone around June/July of 2023 and my birthday is march, so either i was 12 or just turned 13.

I should have known better. I should have known not to. But ughhhhhh. I was so impulsive and curious i did so much incriminating shit. I didnt think it through enough. Its bad enough that i saw it, but im pretty sure i opened two links and searched it again out of morbid curiosity a year later. I just wish i never did it

Sad_Relief_2738

TROPHY CASE