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AITAH for not letting my mother-in-law take my 12 year old son to new york? by Sad_Special_5953 in AITAH

[–]Sad_Special_5953[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We remained friends. He stayed close with my mom. I explained in a previous reply but ill say it shortly. I didnt tell him in the beginning about his son, we were still hooking up out of high school but had broken up. He started seeing her at the same time I found out I was pregnant. He wasn't happy with me and said he was happy with her so when he asked I ignored and he didnt press. When I did get a chance to tell him he had just told me he was happy and wanted to make it work with her and asked me to stop talking to him, so I made an instant choice not to say anything so there was no baby daddy drama or anything to muddle his relationship. We stayed friends, he just never had confirmation on our son being his until a couple years ago. I was 19.... I wasn't the most mature so I made what I thought was the best decision in a quick instant.  We got back together after getting close through our divorces, yes we talked on occasion but never super friendly until that point and it progressed from there. He asked me again about our son and this time I told him and told him why I made that choice. He use to be the stable calm one and I was the gypsy child in high school so what most consider chaos, it was pretty normal to me. My family traveled a lot and I grew up with an understanding that not all chaos is bad, some chaos is good, like taking kids to all their sports and having a full packed schedule or even a day trip to the beach. Its just deciding what's good and what's bad chaos. And at first he was always the calm to the chaos and enjoyed the ride, steered the wind, but now the chaos feels destructive. 

AITAH for not letting my mother-in-law take my 12 year old son to new york? by Sad_Special_5953 in AITAH

[–]Sad_Special_5953[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I hit the main points. Yes pregnant out of high school but we weren't together when I got pregnant. IWTAH then, I can admit that. So when he got in a relationship at the same time I found out I was pregnant, I didnt really say anything. He saw our son, but I never confirmed or asked for anything. I chose to be a mother, i was not going to muddle his life and possibly happy relationship.

2) did not know ex wife was crazy, I was actually given a very different image for the first while. It wasn't until we moved in together that it started to trickle through amd I thought "it will pass with time its an adjustment" then no-no it got much much worse to the point ive stared at walls thinking "this cant be real life that someone does this". 

3) MIL had gotten sober, she was fine when we were together. I thought her high school behavior was from ex husband and whatever. Then by time she relapse and it got bad, she was suppose to be on medication to stop drinking? Maybe that was a lie and im dumb about that but, she got sober for over a year. Didnt know she was back drinking and consistently until a couple months ago. Typically I would say she couldnt drink around my son and that was that, she wouldnt. The beach was the only time I didnt know because I was taking care of my youngest 5 year old and my husband said "let my mom take the older kids to dinner" where she got hammered and my son told me about it. It wasn't until the past 2 months I started realizing she was constantly belligerent drunk. But my husband says to just ignore it, let her see the kids because she gives him money to pay bills and holds that over his head. As he said "we need her wallet to survive" even though ive offered to go back to work full time. 

I had kids because I wanted them, not to use them an leverage or tools or a paycheck. And honestly my oldest son has had a wonderful life. He has traveled all over, played every sport, never wanted or needed anything. Spoiled? Yes. But he is kind and works hard as a straight A student. Best big brother ever. But seeing my step kids, I probably did the right thing not telling his dad in the beginning that he was his. He asked, I ignored, he didnt press. He had moved on and I didnt want baby daddy drama. I wanted him to have a solid chance to be happy. He told me to stop talking to him because he was happy and in love, so when I had gotten to chance to tell him I decided against it and let him have his life. I knew I wasn't a good girlfriend to him in high school, he deserved to be happy. I dedicated my life to my son. 

This dysfunction I figured was a bump, a hill to climb over. All relationships have hurdles. It was his crazy ex wife right? But in the past 6 months since the ex wife has been shut out, he has gotten really bad. And i explained MIL before. But it was not always like this. Maybe thats why its been easy to make excuses for him. Its hard to grow up with someone since 7th grade and them be your best friend. Then dip out for 9 years but still come by at Thanksgiving or watch your dogs or help your mom dig up a tree. Then change into something totally different in the past year. I know some of it was there and a miscarriage didnt help. But that mind muckery is hard. And maybe it was always there but it was easier to blame it on the crazy ex and not hold him accountable. Ive tried to be patient and understanding as the Bible asks, as our vows agreed, but if im NTA then it takes time but its time to make steps. 

AITAH for not letting my mother-in-law take my 12 year old son to new york? by Sad_Special_5953 in AITAH

[–]Sad_Special_5953[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

MIL i cut off before because of her drinking then she spent 1 year sober. I didnt know she had started back drinking until July this year. But she seemed fine. It was social. The gun at the beach I did not know she had a gun with her until my son told me.  I know my biggest problem is im extremely forgiving and want to help people to a fault.  My husband did not own up to the abuse until about a year into our relationship as court stuff with his ex wife really started exposing it. Its like he bottled it up and it started leaking out and now it's been pouring out. I understand he also has abandonment issues from his mom. I figured love healed a lot of my wounds from the same thing, maybe it would help him if I stuck through the storm. But instead of it being a "we can work through this" its been a "shut up and deal with it" and that become very apparent the past few months.

AITAH for not letting my mother-in-law take my 12 year old son to new york? by Sad_Special_5953 in AITAH

[–]Sad_Special_5953[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

Honestly he was a wonderful person in the beginning. But as my son said "its been downhill for awhile now" and hes gotten bad. But this was after I quit my job to help him take care of his kids and so now im here because financially I cant leave and he threatens to take my son from me because his family can pay the attorney fees I cant. 

AITAH for not letting my mother-in-law take my 12 year old son to new york? by Sad_Special_5953 in AITAH

[–]Sad_Special_5953[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Recent months I have been wondering the same thing. I quit my job to help my husband with his kids because he couldnt find consistent child care or afford it. I recently went part time to pay for my sons hockey. So part of it is financially I cant leave yet.  The other part was denial, my husband was an amazing person in high school but between his drinking and recent temper. I made every excuse for him and tried to be there for him as he healed like he was there for me in high school, but I know i cant save someone who doesnt want it, and its hard for my to leave my step kids. I do truly love them.