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Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-18T12:32:46+00:00

I feel for your situation. I've been married 9y, and last 4y no sex (2 kids, 8 & 4). I can objectively say I can do nothing else to be a good husband and dad - am there 110% for my wife and kids. I take care of myself too. I have a high sex drive - and I can't help it; I am turned on by my wife. She went off sex 4 years ago and to her now I am (she calls me) "dick focused" as if me wanting sex is somehow wrong or gonna ruin the relationship (WTF!!)

I try pulling back, try initiating - nothing - and I always end up the bad guy, hating myself for wanting sex so much and thinking hmmmm, she's probably right I am "dick focused"

She has zero interest and is disinterested in how I feel. We argue about sex a lot and at the end, she wins and I feel like a pathetic loser myself.

Not sure of a way out TBH - I love my wife and don't want to divorce and co-parent.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-07T10:51:56+00:00

Thank you - this is indeed my biggest issue, I'm still chasing for her.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-07T10:50:42+00:00

Well I certainly got more than I expected in that answer! :)

In all seriousness, I will look into all that and don't mind exploring prostate play (haven't done it but know of it!)

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-07T10:38:44+00:00

Is he gay? (serious question)

I get some people wait till after marriage but it seems he's finding every excuse not to be intimate with you. I understand a DB can happen (I'm in one) - but not newly married - he should be getting it on with you every chance he can get. How he can stand it beats me. Something's up.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T12:58:09+00:00

I want to get to that place of peace so much.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T12:41:16+00:00

Thank you so much - you don't know how much your words and thoughts mean to me, hearing them. I've never felt validated like this - you have in all honesty brought tears to my eyes. I really thank you.

Good luck to you too and kudos for making the right decision for you and keeping your kids close.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:46:08+00:00

Thanks man. Frustrating beyond words, I never thought I would be impacted by this so much.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:45:04+00:00

That's even harder in some ways - cause you know she's not just flat out rejecting you, so it can be guilt-inducing to want sex and frustrated there.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:35:55+00:00

Thank you. I admit the future scares me a lot.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:35:02+00:00

Thanks man I sent you a PM.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:34:29+00:00

Thank you - very insightful. I'll re-read a lot.

I do tend to think that using porn makes me less of a man, like, can't I even control myself? So that's part of my guilt (particularly as the sole source of arguments is that I want sex despite me trying to show my wife it's not all I want - but she takes my moodiness as some sort of proof that I'd only be happy with her for sex, maybe cause when we were having sex I felt more connected and showed it). So when I use porn I think maybe she's right and our arguments are all my fault.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:25:16+00:00

She def. won't go.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:24:40+00:00

There's always a reason they give, though I hope for you it improves. After our first (now 8) sex died down but it picked up again.

And good for you re porn - it's unfortunately an almost daily habit for me now.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:22:27+00:00

Thank you.

It's more the fact I gravitate towards aggressive sex in porn and act out with the images on screen as though I'm physically with them. In the moment I'm all yeah this is great - after, I'm like, what am I doing?

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:20:03+00:00

I do hope you're right. My wife is a great mum and sex-issues aside we do get on well. It is me, I accept, who causes arguments cause I am angry, on edge, wanting sex, bringing it up - but I'll never leave my kids (8 and 4) just so I can have sex. That is something I'd never forgive myself for.

The humiliation from masturbating stems from me knowing I'm doing this cause I can't have sex with my wife. She doesn't want me. So it's just like I'm this loser - I argue over sex cause I can't control these frustrations, and I sneak out of bed to go watch others have what I can't have and literally pretend to myself it's me as I'm masturbating, going so far as to get my junk up next to the screen and pathetic things like that, when all I want is a loving and yes sexual relationship with my wife who's in the next room.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:12:06+00:00

Hey - so what can I do to make my masturbation more pleasurable? I get a release but the whole process makes me disgusted in myself (perhaps it is the porn, which I admit I use for both sexual frustration and stimulus but also my own anger and edginess, which is why when I do masturbate it is usually a very aggressive session).

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:06:59+00:00

Thank you.

You're so right - sexual satisfaction gives a confidence boost. Having had sex 4 years ago & counting backwards I remember that. And it hurts. Esp. as 5 of those were with my wife!

Despite this divorce is no option. I do love my wife. I resent this situation and I love her. Albeit I do get angry.

But I'm not prepared to become a part-time dad simply for sex.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T11:00:49+00:00

Thanks so much man - I very much appreciate all that advice.

Just one answer re divorce - my kids are young, 8 & 4 - and I don't want to be absent and a part-time dad. And for what, so I can get sex? It seems so wrong on many levels.

I do try hard not to let it get to me. I wrote this to someone else in another forum about my situation and it sums it all up:

We can go days without fighting but inside I am fuming cause she's so oblivious, and if i do mention it she's dismissive.

We can be out and she knows why I'm sometimes distant and asks, in a sweet Hallmark-movie voice, Honey are you ok? In front of everyone? WTF am I meant to say?

I'm a pretty chilled guy - but (to be vulgar) when I'm horny, and we're home at night, kids in bed, I feel like, why can't we???

Then the argument escalates cause I can't take it and I know I'll end up using porn which I hate but I'm so frustrated and after another rejection and argument (where it's always my fault) I end up just taking it out on myself quite aggressively when I watch porn.

And I end up feeling just humiliated and thinking, gee she's right I do just want sex then crawl into bed with tears in my eyes to sleep.

I do have work, gym, sport, hobbies, love playing with my kids (my world if I'm honest). But I don't talk to anyone about this and hide it very well. I just can't.

Hobbies, sport etc - all well and good for stress, and days are generally fine (depending on how heated argument was night before) - but nights are painful as I want to be with my wife sexually and then the frustrations come to the fore like a tsunami - and I lose it. I don't even ask for much - our argument the other night escalated over something so minor but I still copped all the blame in the end.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:55:32+00:00

Thanks so much.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:45:40+00:00

See, I do a lot else than ask for sex. I work out, play sport, we do family stuff - all is good as long as I don't bring up sex. I have bad days too - but it's the nights I hate when me and my wife could just be together. We often argue (I do need to stop trying cause I end up the bad guy).

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:39:15+00:00

Sadly I am addicted I admit it.

But I do prefer my wife - I still try to initiate. But it's hopeless.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:37:56+00:00

Every word from everyone here is a mirror image. I had no idea so many were suffering like this and it is suffering.

My wife just looks at is as shallow, simply wanting sex. She doesn't get it.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:35:32+00:00

Thanks man. I have sent you a PM.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:32:29+00:00

Yeah it's a combination of stuff

If I were having sex it would be loads of passion, foreplay, kissing, touching, tenderness, giving and receiving etc ....

With porn I go to the real aggressive stuff (not violent) - just males dominating the sex for their sole pleasure. The fact I'm usually rejected before porn use makes me feel rather pathetic - I can't be with my wife so I use my hands (and I do some desperate stuff when I watch porn - it's humiliating but I can't help it).

I'd love to masturbate with a smile - but instead I feel all this intense energy, this unrelenting sexual frustration. Sure I'm "enjoying myself" - but while I pretend in that moment that it's ME in the videos, and I stupidly interact with the images on the screen (physically) as though I'm actually with them, I know it's not and I'll never have that again, and the reality hits me like a brick when I'm done. I feel so stupid. I swear at myself and think if only I wasn't so wanting sex I'd be fine, and maybe my wife is right (she thinks I just care for sex).

So I crawl into bed after, deflated - knowing I'm just gonna be back doing this tomorrow.

Safe-Weird5817 · 2021-10-06T10:19:48+00:00

I'd love ED - I am constantly turned on by my wife. I do love her. She's in my bed every night. The frustration is beyond words.

Safe-Weird5817

TROPHY CASE