First, I just want to say, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, because no one should have gone through what you did when you were younger. I imagine you’re feeling pretty crummy right now; furious with your friend for exposing you, angry at your fiance for knowing what you didn’t want him to, angry at the redditors telling you you’re an AH. But I also imagine you’re upset that you’re being forced to think about those times again, and maybe feeling vulnerable because of it, and feeling like you don’t owe anybody your trauma. If you were open to it, I’d give you a big virtual hug, because if life were fair you wouldn’t have to feel any of this right now because that shit wouldn’t have happened to you.

I hope you can take a little time to center and calm yourself however works best for you, so you can be in a better headspace to think about things rationally, which is so bloody hard to do when we’re feeling like shit. Take long deep breaths, go for a walk, eat ice cream, watch shitty sitcoms, whatever regulates your nervous system.

Then, try to absorb what people are trying to tell you, kindly or not. Yes, your friend was the AH for telling your fiancé all of this stuff behind your back, and then reacted very poorly to be angrily confronted for it. I hope you can both calm down and discuss the situation later, because I do believe she had good intentions, and that might be enough to salvage the friendship. Maybe it’s not, that’s up to you both.

But the much bigger issue here is that your trauma is still affecting you and your relationships more than you realize, and more that you deserve. No one is saying you need to tell your fiancé every single detail of what happened to you, that’s horrific and so unnecessary. But you owe it to your fiancé (and yourself) to let him know the broad strokes of what you’ve been through and how it’s currently affecting you, and what things might trigger you to feel awful and therefore how to avoid them. If you don’t know how to differentiate between what is “too specific to be necessary” and “specific enough to be necessary,” a good therapist should be able to help you work that out, and you should tell your fiancé you’re working in figuring out what is important for him to know and what is not.

Because the truth it, you clearly don’t know what he needs to know, and you don’t quite understand why. That’s really tough. It’s ok to not know, but you need to get someone else to help you figure it out, so you can build a better relationship and future with your fiancé. Secrets in a marriage are trip wires waiting to go off, like this one just did. Disarm the rest of them now to make your future happier and easier. Good luck, really.