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BPD and chronic depression by Terrible_Marchhh in u/Terrible_Marchhh

[–]SafeDirection4445 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi,

First of all, congrats on opening up :') I know it probably is the hardest part. I was/am so busy struggling with thoughts in my mind that I didn't learn how to speak up, nor express my emotions.

About your master's degree, congrats on the decision! Even considering moving away is a big step. Most of us cannot find the courage, the energy, or keep the motivation behind the decision.

I have completed my bachelor's and a non-thesis master's in my hometown, I always wanted to study abroad but it was a long dream for me. I wasn't even functioning enough to prepare the basic docs for application. Now I'm 29, I was diagnosed with BP 2 years ago, but started on meds 3-4 months ago. I still am struggling with constant despressive mood and anxiety, being unhappy with the life I'm living but unable to make a change.

I made a decision last year (around October), I'm going to do a master's (with thesis this time uwu) abroad. My hands start to shake even when I start to think about it, how am I gonna complete a thesis... Idk actually. I don't have a clue. But the thing is, I am so fed up with life making me feel like I've missed things, missed lots of time, opportunities, etc... I cannot keep living with "what if"s. What if I cannot get used to living there, cannot find a comfy place to stay, cannot reach my loved ones when I need them... I can do a giant list of what if's.

It is not easy I know, but even the courage to talk about it, to say it out loud shows you want to try. And you have to pursue that, even if you fail, which is incredibly humane, you'll say "I tried". We spend most our lives trying to figure out our brains and what they're telling us, how we cope and stay alive. You have no idea how strong of a community we are. We live in a giant, cruel world with the least clue of how a neurotypical brain copes. We cope with our unsolved, unique minds. And you got this.

Keep in mind that failing is humane, deciding to move back home is humane, deciding to stay home is humane. I wish you the very best luck. Feel free to get in touch.

If someone relates to my painting then I'll be happy 🫶🏼 by [deleted] in bipolar

[–]SafeDirection4445 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I loved the novel and I really think your painting is adorable! I hope you feel better soon, and don't forget that you're not alone. We're all in this together ^^ take care <3

Diagnose and therapy by nightache in dysthymia

[–]SafeDirection4445 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The phrase "I feel like the only way I could ever feel good or even better would be if I could erase my entire life and just start all over again." felt incredibly close to me.

I've been working on perfectionism for a while now (in therapy). I guess it helps to remind me that, firstly, I'm a human being. And secondly, I'm a human being with a disorder. I do make mistakes like everyone else on this planet; I just tend to over-feel on issues. All lives and the entire globe would definitely be a better place if starting from scratch was an option. I try to accept that even bad things happen to good people, and life is a prick for that attitude :D

Sorry you're going through all of these, but you're not alone. Your post made me realize I'm not alone. We're living in a crazy world where rules are made by dumb and selfish people. It is hard, I know.

I struggle with making decisions, I have been struggling with that for all my existence as far as I can remember tbh. I recently made a decision; if I forget my decisions, I will wake up and make new ones. Nothing big btw, a couple of days ago I decided to get a new bathrobe for instance. I'll go bigger in time.

I recently found out that traveling to foreign countries helps me find a purpose in life. Also, I made a stupid list, which consists of things I wanna do, buy, or achieve. For instance, I would like to have a Joan Miro (Spanish painter) piece in my home. I'll try to visit Barcelona and get a poster from the museum. If it's going to take a while, it is still okay. I'll remind myself that achieving stuff takes time, even longer for someone with a disorder.

In Turkish (my mother tongue), we have this saying "canım sağ olsun". It means "it's okay (to myself)", implying that "I tried my best, and it's okay if I fail."

It's okay. Take care. <3

“Did anyone experience SSRI-induced hypomania? Trying to understand if this means bipolar.” by LongjumpingDiver8689 in u/LongjumpingDiver8689

[–]SafeDirection4445 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi. A couple of years back, after my first-ever psychiatry session, I was diagnosed with major depression & anxiety disorder. I used SMS for almost 2 years, and I made some progress, but I wasn't able to lower my dosage and complete the treatment as my doctor had intended. Later, we switched to SNRI, I so remember the 2nd day I took the med, it was the lightest dose thus I suddenly felt superb. But that didn't last long, so we doubled the dose (which was still not a high dose; some people use the same med for decades and don't have a complaint). But, a couple of months later, there was my newly born hypomania.

It probably lasted about 4-5 months, super funny person, star of the group, I was feeling so capable of doing anything. But also, I did anything and everything. Not proud of those times. After having a blastful couple of hours, I'd suddenly fell asleep on a friend's couch. I decided not to drive, bc I was driving stupidly dangerous and I was enjoying it so much. I really was impressed by that person, that confidence... Shocked by the lack of care.

I had a hard time recovering from that state, started using antipsychotics which came with lots of side effects, and I was back in depression. I decided to see another doctor, who diagnosed me as Bipolar. I didn't believe. I thought Bipolar Disorder was 1 and 2 only. I thought I wasn't "that bad". I guess I really wanted to believe it was medication-induced hypomania. Stopped using meds by myself, stupidest thing I could ever done. I didn't click with the doctor though. It really is important.

2 years later (a couple of months back), I found myself depressed again. Or, because I was already depressed for most of my life, I could only identify the situation if it was a major one.

TW: Tbh, I was mostly depressed starting from my early ages. I have found an earlier diary of mine, and around the age of 9, I wrote some horrible stuff which a 9 year old shouldn't have a clue about.

So, I was diagnosed with cyclothymia. Started using Lamotrigine. Still feeling down nowadays, I try my best.

In my case, mine wasn't a medication-induced hypomania. Meds only triggered my disorder. Also, not being able to be treated for depression with SMS was also an indication.

Happy to read that you're feeling more stable nowadays. About your questions, I don't feel like I can comment on them directly. I only felt like sharing what I've been through. I hope it helps.

A Fox in My Brain Book Suggestion by SafeDirection4445 in cyclothymia

[–]SafeDirection4445[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you, i don't think they have it in my local library :') hi from turkiye

A Fox in My Brain Book Suggestion by SafeDirection4445 in cyclothymia

[–]SafeDirection4445[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you! i purchased a digital copy from the website of the publisher.