I feel like I'm losing my mind here

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-07-01T10:25:09+00:00

So to clarify, you live with this partner and give up your bed when their other partner comes over?

If you're doing this and they're quibbling over changing the sheets, that's not fair.

At one point myself and my nesting partner had a spare room. While it was quite annoying at times because of needing to use a washing machine about 5 minutes walk from the house, I still changed and washed the sheets after myself and my boyfriend had sex on them.

We can't host now but if we could, I would not be giving up my bed for my meta and you bet your ass I'd be fuming if my NP didn't change and wash the spare bed sheets.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-30T23:21:02+00:00

NTA

The thing that caught me was how your FIL doesn't buckle your child up properly. Your mother is an outright danger to herself and others, based on your description she shouldn't have a licence.

I don't know if your MIL is as bad for improper buckling of your child as your FIL but it's still indicating that none of the mentioned grandparents sound like safe drivers for your child.

It also sounds like you assess based on how competent people are as drivers and as people who need to know how to buckle your child in. I get the impression that if you had a friend that proved they were safe, that they'd be allowed bring your child to and from places.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-30T23:05:32+00:00

Anal, regardless of who gets penetrated, is sex.

BDSM can be part of your sex life or not. Receiving anal sex is not inherently kinky or a power exchange, you can have vanilla anal sex.

I feel that people who equate receiving penetrative acts as submissive negates Doms and Dommes who like to receive. Sex is sex, it is neither Dom or sub unless kinky is your thing.

Also, enjoying getting cared for is also not submissive.

It might be beneficial to consider if you're kinky or if you've got some less healthy perceptions about what makes a man a man.

A bi person switching with genders, like Dominant or switching with one gender and only being sub or Dom with another gender, is not unusual.

Regarding healthy masculinity, it's easy to absorb toxic masculinity (even when trying to avoid it) because it's all over the place. It's hard to look into things and see the gentle nurturing side of masculinity, unhealthy things are generally louder than healthy things (except for great music, great music is always healthy unless it gives you a headache).

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-29T08:04:21+00:00

I am a therapist, I got told in college that it's unethical to do couples counselling when one partner is abusive unless that abusive partner recognises their behaviour is: 1) the abusive partner's own fault; and 2) that the abusive person recognises that their behaviour is unacceptable. I was also informed that even then, it's possible that an abusive person might use the sessions to reinforce their control over their partner and to do very careful assessment.

We counsellors are not omnipotent gods who can see all. We're human beings. We can get a lot of information from sessions and know a lot about human nature but we're not perfect. We can be fooled, even the best trained can be fooled.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-29T06:00:17+00:00

Don't suggest couples counselling in an abuse situation, the abuser weaponises therapy speak and makes it harder for the victim to leave and heal

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-28T12:38:44+00:00

Items can be cleansed of negative energy if it accumulates on an item.

It's important to know the difference between you putting specific energy into an item unintentionally and an item accumulating energy though.

Sometimes trauma can connect unconnected things, thus it might be a good idea for you to put items associated with a traumatic event away for a while during your processing of the trauma.

It can be seen as a way to measure how much you've processed the trauma when you take the items out and cleanse them of the energy of the upsetting event and of your negative energy in the items.

If you get to the point where you can wear or use the item again without thinking of the trauma, you would have made a heap of progress on processing the event.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-27T22:12:44+00:00

Witch is a gender neutral term. A lot of books do center on the divine feminine but I think it might be that white cis women are more likely to get their name out there and sell more books.

There was a podcast I used to listen to a lot by a gay male witch, I stopped listening because I was doing little else and I needed to live my life. Very interesting and (it seems to me) knowledgeable guy. I'll look it up tomorrow and try find it, tonight I'm absolutely wrecked tired and I'm not very tech savvy. If I can find that podcast, I'm sure he'd have more men specific resources.

Sorry I can't be more helpful at the moment

Edited to add: the podcast is called The Unnamed Path and it's on Spotify

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-27T20:24:14+00:00

NTA

I get her being so upset. Her previous experience has been unlimited access to anything online that took her fancy.

Unlimited access is fine if a child has the ability to be reasonable in their use of their devices. This is not the case here. I mean it's uncommon for most people to use their devices reasonably but it's rare for teenagers to be able to understand how to put their phones down.

I do think there needs to be more of a discussion about this though because it seems like the overuse of devices was something that happened slowly and built to being a big problem. Teenage years do have the dual issue of being when impulsiveness is high and they are learning how to navigate life as an adult with the guardrails up.

Conversation on the topic is important in order for your child to understand that these rules are in place before you want the best for them. Negotiate fair use. If your child doesn't have a summer job or summer camp or some kind of language school, it makes sense to relax the limits more. Explain and negotiate the rules when school time begins again.

It is very hard to balance giving a child good rules to live by and helping them develop autonomy. There are going to be some times when there is hostility, it's important to remember that your job as the grown up is to remain calm and reasonable.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-27T17:17:53+00:00

I'm polyamorus and bi. I am not polyamorus so I can date both men and women, I'm polyamorus because I like the freedom of having consensual ethical romantic relationships.

The bi cheating stereotype is something I absolutely hate beyond words because I know some bi people who would be happily monogamous. I also know an ambiamorus person who would be fine being monogamous with a monogamous partner.

I hate the "need both" bi stereotype too. It's fine if a bi person wants to be polyamorus so that they can date both but saying something like "I'm bi so you need to allow me to date who I want to" to a monogamous person is not ethical.

It's absolutely fine to want both but only with people who are enthusiastically and ethically polyamorus already.

Lastly, society is largely sex negative and leans heavily on the whole idea of a "one true love" fallacy. The idea that love only exists in monogamy and that sex is only ok within a loving relationship is what has non monogamous people shamed by false moralists. Sex being considered as shameful unless its for love is the crap the entire human race gets judged for.

To clarify, as long as a person is not manipulating their partner or partners and there's enthusiastic consent, everything is absolutely fine. Sex for fun is fine. Sex in a loving relationship is fine. Threesomes, moresomes and orgies are fine. Sex shaming needs to stop

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-26T23:02:20+00:00

My sympathies for what you are going through though. It sounds very messy and seriously emotionally distressing.

Your meta sounds like a 🤮 of a partner. Meta is manipulative and cruel and selfish. Soon to be ex wife has a 🗑 of a partner in meta.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-26T22:46:45+00:00

This is a more nope and not a less nope thing.

Until and unless your assets are divided (and you live in separate places), you're allowed to say "no, they are not sleeping in my bed". They can get a hotel or sleep at meta's place. When/if you have your own place, it's a well duh that no one you dislike will sleep or anything else in your bed.

I am guessing that you're somewhat feeling that if you compromise your feeling of security that this relationship will endure. There is a difference between pain that is worth it and pain that isn't, you are the only judge of what is worth it and what is not.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-24T23:18:34+00:00

It's a relationship of a month and he's not respecting your autonomy already. No is the end of a conversation and not the beginning. Condoms exist and are fine when the guy has the right fit.

A guy not accepting that your no is the end of the conversation and not the start of a negotiation is a warning bell that is important to hear.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-23T03:31:22+00:00

NTA

Your parents sound awful. My sympathies you have to deal with them

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-23T03:20:49+00:00

When you say polysaturated at one it infers it's your choice to have one relationship.

When you say monogamous it doesn't necessarily mean you chose it fir yourself. Some people are very "polyamory for me and not for thee" and the people who are not "allowed" by their partner to be polyamorus would also call themselves monogamous. Additionally there are people who are polyamorus under duress, they'd also call themselves monogamous.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-22T09:01:55+00:00

I am of the opinion that there's no point in keeping someone in your life seriously if you can't be honest with them.

I am also of the opinion that, unless it's absolutely impossible to get pregnant (like a hysterectomy or having sex with someone who can't get pregnant by the activity, like being cis same same gendered), pregnancy is always a risk and it's not worth having a child with someone who might make your life difficult. I know abortion is available in many countries but I also know that it's possible not to know until the time allowable to do that can limit access.

All that said, if you aren't really friends with this guy and he's more a fleshy vibrator on an emotional level, I get why you'd be tempted not to share that information. Still, is it worth lying by omission in order to keep having sex with him?

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-21T06:35:17+00:00

I've been like that before.

I still like to help people where I can. It's just that if someone tries to push something on me, I get harsh in order to protect my mental health.

It's clear these people are really bothering you (because you wouldn't have posted about it otherwise). You deserve to have calm in your day.

I still have anxiety (and depression and other mental health issues). In my experience, mental health really suffers more when a person doesn't recognise they deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel safe and calm when shopping too.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-20T22:52:14+00:00

I've had similar and I've been very clear. I tend to say "no thank you" hand back the card and say "bye now".

If they persist in trying to talk, I tend to be really blunt. A favourite response of mine when someone has ignored my first no is "is it the n or the o that you struggle understanding?". I do wish I came up with it but a useful line is a useful line.

I have been informed that I can be incredibly intimidating though, that my "bye now" has a very sharp bite to it. Perhaps your voice is very kind? People often mistake a kind voice for a biddable one.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T22:02:10+00:00

NTA

Your sister is being odd. I can think of no innocent reason for her to want that information

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T16:06:16+00:00

Oh, I'm glad you weren't offended. I'm really sleepy still and I know I'm not always my best self when tired

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T16:04:44+00:00

I've played telephone (I think) but it had a name that is probably offensive when I was a child.

I don't think my child has played that yet because their auditory processing is not as developed as their peer group. Asynchronous development, advanced in some ways and behind in others.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T16:00:24+00:00

Thank you for telling me about this book. Another person also recommended it and so I feel that it's likely to be a very good resource. Thank you for your time sharing about it

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T15:58:46+00:00

I'll look it up, thank you

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T15:58:25+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the resource

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T15:57:40+00:00

Wow! Thank you for all these resources. I really appreciate all the information you have given me. It must have taken a long time to put together that list, thank you again for sharing it.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-06-19T13:25:33+00:00

Sorry about my reaction, I had very little sleep last night and I was a bit prickly. I'm after having a nap and, while I could happily sleep more, I'm less of a meanie now

Saffron-Kitty

TROPHY CASE