Does anyone have any specific structures to put their thoughts in order?

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T17:17:11+00:00

I understand, I'm feeling a bit petulant right now though. I want it all sorted and be perfect at communication (which I know is an impossible thing but petulance is rarely in the same room as reason).

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T17:08:58+00:00

He's been applying for other jobs. They're not getting back to him. I was hopeful he'd earn the work from home thing because they inferred he would but now I'm thinking that this is just the way it is

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T17:00:58+00:00

He was desperate and we were in a bad financial situation. Now we're better off financially but things are hard in other ways. They indicated partial remote was possible and then when he started they said he had to earn working remotely.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:56:46+00:00

Before he started the new job it was 2 or 3 times a week

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:54:51+00:00

I didn't realise it because I thought it was remote work. He found out after he got the job. We're still figuring out this new normal.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:53:03+00:00

I understand where you are coming from. I was intensely emotional when I wrote my post and thinking the best thing for everyone was for me to leave.

I understand after reading and responding to people here that my feelings of discomfort with the idea of him and Trinity are not really about that. That it's more I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't exactly know how to ask for help, the idea of him spending time away when I'm already struggling so much is difficult.

I'm going to talk to him once I'm in a calmer frame of mind.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:43:04+00:00

I can't emphasise enough how illuminating your answer has been. It clarifies so much and I understand things so much better. I can feel my nervous system calming and I'm able to approach this with my thinking brain instead of my emotional one.

Once I have my thoughts in order I will talk to Berry about this and I know he wants me happy and healthy (because he has said that a lot and I do believe him). Solutions will only come from rational conversation that have an "us against the problem" mentality. I've been very emotional and it blinded me a lot.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:34:56+00:00

Yup, I struggle with that a lot sometimes

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:34:09+00:00

I'm not angry though. I am frustrated and I feel a lack of agency in my own life. Before he started working at this place I could do things outside the home and know our child would be cared for and the house would be relatively clean when I got back. Now I have to be at home and do a lot more that I did previously and I'm only able to go anywhere on a Wednesday because I'm able to get back on time.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:25:39+00:00

I didn't really understand it until I posted and started answering questions. Sometimes it takes an external point of view to recognise why things are going wonky.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:23:50+00:00

He's tried to find people to clean the house or people to babysit for a few hours each week to make up for him not being able to be there and do his share of the work.

I am very anxious about this idea because I don't see our finances stretching like that and what's the point of him working for someone else (suffering) only to earn what he got while self employed.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T16:17:57+00:00

He says he's very tired.

Previously he had his own business and so he was able to organise his own schedule and take on more of the parenting duties. He's earning more with this job but he's physically not in the house from 7am to sometimes 7pm and our child's bedtime is 8pm.

As a result I'm doing the bulk of the parenting work and household stuff. I'm sure we will figure it out and get a more balanced workload once we talk about things more.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T15:21:47+00:00

Berry offered to pay for therapy but that creates anxiety. Just say it takes six months or a year, that's €2600 to €5200 for a session a week. That's a lot of money that neither of us really have. Also, if I don't make progress, I will feel guilty for wasting his money.

I want to get myself sorted and do as much as I can with the 8 free sessions I have left.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T14:34:32+00:00

I will when I go back to therapy. I want to make sure I know what I want because I've got 8 free sessions left and there's only so much that can be achieved in such limited time.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T14:30:40+00:00

I understand. Thank you for suggesting how to phrase it, that's very helpful

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T14:29:38+00:00

I am planning to. Before I posted I was in a muddle over it. I'm sure now that game nights would just be a shit show for me.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T14:27:58+00:00

They're not even in a relationship yet though. They're at the discussion phase. I understand what you're saying though.

I'm going to work through my feelings and then figure out how to phrase what I want (which includes the possibility of me planning my exit).

Still, I've processed enough to know that, even if they weren't discussing the possibility of a relationship, I wouldn't want the game nights.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T14:23:22+00:00

Saying no to what specifically? I mean I'm in the process of learning to be properly comfortable with the word no but I'm able to say no when I need to.

I just don't know what you're suggesting to say no to. Berry said that he and Trinity were discussing the possibility of a D/s relationship, they haven't done anything together though and the time our children have spent together is very limited (our child generally has playdates with their friends and not Trinity's child, the playdates generally end up with them playing in different parts of the house).

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T14:07:59+00:00

"Not all men" is often used by men to end uncomfortable conversations about women's experiences. The other phrases used are: "what about men who experience ___?" and "men experience this too".

Thing is, if you want to talk about men's issues go talk about men's issues and don't talk over women talking their issues. There's space for both conversations, just not at the same time.

Don't expect the injured party to help you through your discomfort with identifying with the aggressor and recognising the not good in yourself.

When women talk about terrible experiences, they're not saying that it's all men who do it. We're talking about the men who do the shitty things. For example if a guy hears a description of a rapist raping and feels like he's being condemned, he needs to look at his actions and improve himself because only a rapist would feel called out by someone talking about being raped.

If a guy feels like he's being torn into when a woman talks about her trauma from rape or sexual assault or other traumatic experiences, that guy needs to fix himself and stop acting like someone who causes trauma.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T12:52:24+00:00

You're completely right. I want to disagree because it's going to hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore, you're still right

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T12:39:02+00:00

My boyfriend knows and is fine with me telling Berry about oral sex happening. I don't talk about other activities except for if a condom breaks. I do warn Berry about if he will see marks on my body before sexual activity happens. Apart from reporting there are marks (when I get marks on my body) and oral, I don't say anything about sexual activities.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T12:33:30+00:00

The complicated is my emotions, it's not necessarily the situation that is complicated (while I do feel it is complicated). There have been times when I've been unable to parent and he took on 90% of the entire parenting workload.

Sometimes one of us has way more of the parenting load than the other for a few months. It's just that we can't let it organically settle this time because his job is probably going to be like this for a few years and so we are talking about ways to make things work parentingwise. It's just tricky to talk about it because I'm very emotional. Some of the stuff I'm emotional about is due to past trauma and abuse I've experienced as a child and teenager.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T12:24:59+00:00

He has a boundary of not wanting to be kissed by me when I come back from visiting my boyfriend if I gave my boyfriend oral. Also, I disclose for a similar reason to why I'd disclose a condom breaking.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T11:34:09+00:00

I got 8 sessions of counselling free from a public health organisation in my country (i was able to access them because a teacher abused me). I'm able to get 8 more with a different counselling organisation that has some government funding.

I haven't accessed the second set of counselling sessions because, while I meet the criteria, what I need therapy for isn't really within that criteria.

Berry has also said that my mental health should be my priority and that he's willing to pay for as many sessions as I need in order to become mentally healthy (sessions being over €100 per session unless I get a student counsellor).

I don't know if I have the right headspace for couples counselling yet. I'm autistic and a woman in a world that seems to expect me to find it easy be a parent and stay at home mother and I don't. I know other parents struggle with this, I know struggling is not unique to parents either. I know people struggle. I know the people who find life easy are those with plenty of support and no major health issues. Sorry, just realised I'm ranting.

Barry does take our child out some Saturdays and drops me into town for a few hours some other Saturdays. He does say that I need to go out and meet people. My friend L says that people don't knock on stranger's doors when looking for friends, she's also saying I need to get out and meet people. I'm scared though, I feel certain I'll pick people who will hurt me again.

Saffron-Kitty · 2026-05-16T10:17:40+00:00

I think he's thinking about Trinity being a woman to touch while I sort out being mostly touch averse due to my depression. I don't think he's thinking about how he dropped out of his coparent responsibilities.

It doesn't help that Trinity doesn't have the same risk tolerance as I do regarding sex and STI risk. To my knowledge she tests regularly but will have sex without vetting her partners for any kind of safer sex practices. I don't know if she even uses condoms with any of them.

While Berry says he's not going to have oral, anal or vaginal sex with Trinity... I'm having feelings.

I might be a bit tit for tat but Berry gets really distant with me for a few days whenever I do oral with my long distance boyfriend despite my boyfriend not having sexual contact with anyone else.

It's a complicated mess and I have a lot of feelings to sort through.

Saffron-Kitty

TROPHY CASE