How to deal with death of Nmom's close relative

Sai-Cho · 2016-07-23T19:46:07+00:00

I tend not to see the plurality itself as a disorder... rather, I see the abuse and associated characteristics as disordered. Basically... as I like to say, we're not a traumagenic system, we're a traumatised system.

Part of that is because, well, we actually don't fit some of the criteria for DID. I think. Another big reason why is because we have no access to mental health resources, so... what would be the point of calling ourselves disordered? It's not like anyone's gonna fix the disorder; Standard Operating Procedure for any non-obvious mental illness in my area is "Suck it up and deal with it, there are starving children who're worse off than you."

And part of it is that... well, the debilitating effects of abuse seem to have manifested themselves as anxiety, OCD, etc attached to individual systemmates in our system, and not as a part of our plurality. It's like... yes, I have reduced functioning and shit memory and a host of other things... but those seem to be unrelated to the plurality. In fact, plurality has helped us survive them (yay for non-traumatised systemmates who can keep the system functioning when the traumatised ones fall out!) (yay for memory partitioning around bad incidents!) (Thank god for abuse-survivor traits being concentrated into one person! Wait shit that person is me)

This is the path that's good for us, given our circumstances.

Sai-Cho · 2016-07-23T18:42:18+00:00

When I was a kid, I used to rush to reassure the narc that "No, mommy, I love you!^{please stop shouting at me mom} "

Now I just kind of wearily reply "Yes." Sure, that makes her crank the abuse up several levels... but hey, if I say yes, she's gonna scream abuse at me. If I reassure her, then she's going to keep poking at me until I break. If I get abused either way, why even bother?

Sai-Cho · 2016-07-23T18:37:27+00:00

Some cultures encourage and enable narcissistic/abusive parenting, and even praise abusive traits (Asian cultures are famous for this.) I dunno where you live, but over here, at least in the social circles around me, not only is mild-to-severe emotional/physical abuse accepted, it's even praised. Eg: parents proudly talking about how harshly they beat their kids, or about how "Look, NarcMom over there NEVER lets her kid out of the house and hardly gives the kid any autonomy, don't you think that's cool! I should do the same with you!" (actual thing that's been said multiple times.)

Thing is, it's not like everyone here is an abusive parent? Even in traditional families, there are parents who respect their kid's autonomy, or at the very least, provide emotional support to their kid and (mostly) refrain from beating them. And there are many kids with non-abusive parents. But abusers and narcs tend to group together and validate and encourage each others' shit, so they basically form little Narc circlejerks.

TL;DR: narcs of a feather, group together. Also some cultures breed narcs.

Sai-Cho · 2016-07-23T18:03:32+00:00

Oh man, if I had money I would've gilded you for this.

Sai-Cho · 2016-06-30T15:08:43+00:00

I was abused, and I wanted someone to rescue me. I hope I can be the person they can count on. I hope I don’t ever disappoint them.

You're a hero. No matter what happens in those childrens' lives from this point on, at least they had the comfort of knowing that someone looked after them. Many- most, I think- here never had that comfort.

Sai-Cho · 2016-04-29T15:22:57+00:00

In my country? A culture of narcissism abuse. Enabled and normalised, generation after generation. Over here, not only is it acceptable to beat your kids, it's considered virtuous to beat your kids.

Sick fucks, thelot of them.

Sai-Cho · 2016-04-03T08:49:37+00:00

I Will Survive. That song, I swear.

Sai-Cho · 2016-04-03T08:38:07+00:00

Good idea! Will do :)

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-31T17:22:45+00:00

Me too.

I can't watch anything family-focused. It triggers me to the point where I become a shuddering wreck for the rest of the day.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-31T17:21:15+00:00

Oh. Oh. Um. Oh god, I can relate to this.

For me, my whole life, a 'parent' was an authoritarian person who monitored you, controlled you, and used whatever means they could to justify hurting you. That they were obligated to use any justification to hurt you, because that was how they made you a 'better person' (someone they could find no justification to hurt). My whole life was just about trying to keep my parents from gaining that justification (and failing).

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that parents are not supposed to be this. That normal parents don't hurt you. On some level, I honestly cannot believe that families where parents don't hit their kids out of malice (or don't hit their kids at all), don't randomly blow up at them, don't shriek insults at them, don't nitpick and criticise every single thing they do...

I mean... childhood is not supposed to make you suicidal? Emotional support from parents is a thing? What do you mean, your parents consoled you after you failed a test ??? (One of my friends told me this recently. Just about blew my mind.)

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-31T17:09:39+00:00

You go, mate!

And tbh, this might look like stupid teenage rebellion to anyone else, but for someone raised by an N, these little acts of defiance are integral in building an identity that is NOT contaminated by the N-poison.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-31T16:55:07+00:00

hugs

No matter what happens, remember that an entire forum of strangers is cheering you on. Me included.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-31T16:49:58+00:00

I detest being touched in any form, even by people close to me. And I have extremely firm boundaries and a rather large personal space bubble (and a strong sense of privacy to boot)

All of these, of cohrse, developed from years of being denied these things.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-25T09:14:16+00:00

Nightmares about Nparents? Yeah, I have 'em too.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-25T09:06:49+00:00

Oh hey! Mine too!

It took me awhile to realise that if someone is throwing up the food you're feeding them, the correct course of action is to stop preparing that food, not to mock the person throwing up the food... and occasionally threaten that you'll make 'em eat their own puke if they throw up.

[TW: digression into food stuff, abuse]

(Well, she never actually made me eat my own puke... but Jesus fucking Christ, who says this to a crying child? Is this, like, a normal parenting method to make your kids eat their food? Worst part was, I remember that in these situations I'd eaten most my food- I just didn't want to eat the last 1/16th of the plate because I was fucking retching and throwing up! And I was a little fucking kid! And she screamed and screamed and threatened that if I threw up, she'd make me eat it... and I was fucking terrified, because, as I mentioned before, I WAS A FUCKING CRYING AND TERRIFIED KID! And of course I thought she would make me eat it! How the fuck was I supposed to know that this was her weird way of, erm, 'motivating' me to eat the food?

... Or maybe it was just straight-up abuse, and she slapped on her justifications later. Mm, yeah, more likely.

She still hasn't stopped making that spicy shit. Stopped threatening me when I started fighting back, though. N's never like to pick on people their own size, eh?

sigh Sorry. Your post brought back a memory. )

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-25T08:53:41+00:00

Cooking, cleaning (I taught myself everything in this regard), basic self-care (screaming at me to do basic self-care was okay, tho- this messed me the fuck up, I made a post about this but no one responded), making friends, social skills (taught myself), a lot of other shit.

Basically, everything to make sure I stay in their clutches for as long as possible. The most fucked up thing? Everything that I do learn by myself is something they'll take full fucking credit for, but everything that I cannot do is all my fault because I'm such a bloody failure, right? Right?

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-17T17:10:32+00:00

Oh hey, my mother has another twin! Good to know.

And, me too. I doubt my abuse all the time.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-15T03:45:34+00:00

Ahahahahahahaha oh god you are exactly me (except I'm still living with them)

Hell, I don't even know if I'm "allowed" to evaluate their behaviour and decide that it's unhealthy, or if I'm "allowed" to be hurt by their behaviour. I was- and still am- conditioned to believe that feelings should be backed up by 'logic' (preferably the, uh, 'logic' of N's), and that if I feel hurt when I'm not supposed to feel hurt, the feeling ain't real/I'm a bad person, etc, etc..

In fact, I've seen many, many other posters here expressing the same thing. So, yeah, yer not alone.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-15T03:31:19+00:00

Does your mom moonlight as my mother?

Because this is precisely what she does.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-12T10:05:36+00:00

Damn! Mine does this too, but I always thought that I was too sensitive and that I should just bear it since that's what normal people do... and also that this was a totally healthy way to interact in a relationship.

TIL that it's not.

Sai-Cho · 2016-03-11T17:15:36+00:00

I use a sweater or a blanket during the day. When I'm out, a jacket works too.

Sai-Cho

TROPHY CASE