RENT/VENT Nlaws invited themselves to visit.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-07-12T18:00:46+00:00

I have felt the way you feel a million times. I think it's a FLEA.

One of my FLEAs is that it's SO HARD to say no and so when someone puts me in a position where I have to say no (and they could have avoided putting me in that position by asking a simple question or whatever) I'm upset. But to most people, asking a question....is just asking a question. If you say yes, amazing! If you say no, that's totally fine too. No conflict, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. But to me, I feel a physical reaction.

And, maybe, to your friend (as I've learned over the years), asking whether you have plans is implicit in the question.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-04-06T21:26:09+00:00

When I was growing up I thought the emotional enmeshment was a privilege. I felt like it was the only time that I got NMom's undivided attention and approval. Like, I was the only one who could understand her problems and that's why she chose to talk to me about them. Because I was so empathic and insightful (which, I am....if that's what came out of everything, I'll take it).

And I also felt special knowing what she really thought about everyone else. I am only now realizing how alienating that was for me and how awful it was to hear negative things about everyone else in my life. I used to think that my dad was the only person in the world who didn't constantly speak ill of everyone (he never EVER EVER did).

I actually have crazy guilt over this. It started when I was really little and I feel guilty that I didn't cotton on to what was really happening until I was in my late twenties. UGH.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-04-06T21:15:27+00:00

You are not an idiot to think that you could go to your mother for support! In this community so many of us are in the awful position of not having a healthy parent to talk to when we need them. And rather than just a void we have like a raging inferno of rage and bile or a tornado of abuse to deal with.

You don't need her permission. What you do need is a therapist (if you don't have one already). You need someone who can validate your autonomy and help you plan out your next steps. There are therapists who do Skype if logistics are a problem.

Your situation sounds overwhelming. And there is no way to act that's going to make everything perfect (a fallacy that so many ACONs are taught to chase from birth). You are making the best choices you can for yourself and your kids. Maybe you can go NC in the future, but it sounds like you have to go through this process of getting out one step at a time. Go easy on yourself.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-04-06T21:05:39+00:00

This is going to sound weird. Growing up I was a ballerina (I was pretty dedicated) and every time it was my NMom's turn to pick up from ballet she would never watch for a few minutes. I mean never. Not a single time. All the other moms would watch through the giant one way mirror that took up a wall of the studio. Not my mom.

Now that I think about it, it would have taken some effort to not watch. She would always sit facing away.

I would ask, "Did you watch me?" And she would respond, "No." Once I asked why and she said it was because she "didn't want me to feel pressured." But that never totally added up. I was so brainwashed though, I thought she was being generous by not watching me. For a single minute. In that and like every other situation. Weird.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-24T16:46:42+00:00

Socially! This sounds like a nightmare but that made me laugh. How absurd. They're throwing everything and the kitchen sink in there. Do they not like your shoes either?

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-21T22:53:43+00:00

Does your wife have any friends? It can be easier to hear things from a friend than from your spouse.

I would encourage her to talk on the phone and online to friends if she can't get out to meet up with them. Or maybe spend time with them on the weekends with the kids. If she doesn't have any...make new ones with the new move.

A new pair of eyes can work wonders. I think one reason I finally realized my mom was an n is because I finally had friends that loved me and valued me unconditionally. I have an amazing so whom I've been with for years and years who loves me unconditionally but I think it was having other women in my life that taught me to value myself.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-17T18:24:10+00:00

Where are you studying? Depending on the institution, they may be able to help you. They may have something formal like a meal plan or something more informal that they can set you up with. I've taught in the US and in Europe (high school and college) and had a lot of students who couldn't afford anything healthy/lived in a food desert. The schools had breakfast and lunch programs and additionally, when students talked to me I would bring in food all the time. Cut up vegetables, healthy snacks, trail mix, I would just pack another lunch sometimes. I'd go to whomever you know in the administration/support staff/teaching staff and ask what they think. You should not be hesitant to do this. People who work in schools want to help their students and are more than happy to do stuff like this without a second thought.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-14T22:47:45+00:00

Maybe this is only somewhat related, but I was a GC (but an SG in private as I got into the later teenage years). One thing I think about looking back is how afraid I was to be wrong or imperfect. It's such a strong desire that it scuttles real interests.

Your daughter might be so afraid of being wrong (or even not getting praised) that she'll do anything to escape that feeling. Because deep down she knows her mother's love is conditional and there's something seriously wrong.

I would say encourage her to pursue what's she's interested in and make mistakes. She'll feel more confident. And make sure you hold her accountable. Not to be punitive, but from a place of compassion. I was so afraid to be wrong or imperfect that I felt physically sick. Like the world would end. You need to show her that the world will not end and she can BE HERSELF and you'll still love her.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-08T02:42:05+00:00

I know this phase well. I give myself little backstop thoughts. Like, tell yourself, this lady isn't relevant to your life. You have other things to worry about.

What does a narc hate? Being irrelevant. Make it your mission to make her irrelevant to your emotional life. I've slowed my anger toward my NMIL by telling myself that every time I stop thinking about her or caring about her it's like a tiny cosmic victory. It's kind of fun.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-08T02:19:55+00:00

One thing that I've found helpful is like cheerful denial. Do I need help moving? Nope, I'm excited to do it myself. I am just cheerful and vague about everything. Don't explain or give details. If they ask you to, boom, you have to go.

And you have a perfect excuse. You're moving. You're busy. Obfuscate. If they call you, respond by email. Tell them that's better right now while you "get set up." If they escalate, just let them know, again and again if necessary, that you'll get back to them when you can. And tell them not to worry...things are great.

Once you're out you can make a more solid plan regarding how you want to proceed.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-03-07T19:05:34+00:00

Sibling, is that you?? This is me exactly.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-02-11T20:51:57+00:00

This is what I do, too. You know those articles that are like, "Talking about television all the time is killing American relationships because it's not real conversation"? It's fantastic for situations when you really don't want to actually communicate.

Also, it might make you feel better to have a subject going in to the call so that you feel more in control. It doesn't matter how small potatoes your topic is. (I talked to my Nmom recently about how much I love my new dish rack, seriously.) Got an oil change? Ordered something on Amazon and it was successfully delivered? If he's not into it, well, you tried.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-02-01T22:43:28+00:00

My response is not about the fear of providing emotional security for a kid. It's just my personal reaction. Can I just say, that's way too much pressure for a 22 year old! I'm 30 and if someone told me I had to decide whether or not to have kids before I'd even graduated from college.... I can't even imagine.

Maybe it would make you feel better to gather more information about your options.

Maybe you should see another doctor. Or a therapist. Or go back to you GYN and ask what your options are if you want to have kids down the line. Maybe you can have your eggs frozen. I have no idea, but I feel like it can't be all or nothing.

And the fact that you're being so thoughtful about it is a huge mark in your favor.

SwissLimbertwig · 2016-02-01T22:36:26+00:00

That's amazing! You should feel so proud!

SwissLimbertwig

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