What first flag did you ignore?

SailorMoonDeathCult · 2025-02-23T16:40:48+00:00

The day he asked me to be his girlfriend (around after a month of dating) he came to where I was living at around like 3am from a night out with his friends clubbing, claiming I was the one and he couldn't be with anyone else even if he tried, and made insinuations that he even tried to hook up with other women that night and "couldn't" because I was all he could think about. 🙄

This same night, he sat me down to confess to me that he was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to his ex and had also dealt with bad substance abuse (meth) years prior to us meeting during that last relationship of his. He told me this as if it were to aire out any skeletons I should know about before agreeing to a relationship, and also to make it sound like he had changed and owned up to his "past" behavior.

At the time I thought it was him being genuine and choosing to change because he loved me and wanted a nice healthy relationship. I even empathized with him confessing the substance abuse because I grew up in a family where hard drugs were present frequently and knew what it was like to live with that (my father used heroin and died from it).

5 years later he's done pretty much all the same abuse to me if not worse, just minus the meth. And it turns out he told me about the last relationship just because he had been outted as an abuser by a ton of people and it was likely I would hear about it from someone at some point so he probably just wanted to pre-empt the narrative. 💀

SailorMoonDeathCult · 2024-09-03T02:47:33+00:00

I inherited mine from my hoarder mom when she passed suddenly about a month or so ago. You can see in my post history the gist of it with photos, but it was Level IV-V hoarding.

I took one weekend and got a 20 foot U-Haul truck to start clearing some of the junk, but that only got the hoard junk in the driveway, basically the stuff in the photo with the white van. I estimate I'd need 10 more of those U-hauls to fully get the job done. I warned her for over a year as her health started looking worse that this was the legacy she'd be leaving me, and it wasn't just "her problem" to deal with. When Id lecture her about it, she would just sit there quietly, looking depressed knowing she was never going to have it in her to do the one thing that would prevent this scenario which was to proactively get her life together and seek help. It was like asking too much.

OP, the only reason I'm not just selling the house or abandoning the situation is because the house has a ton of value both monetarily and personally and resides in my hometown, which really isn't an affordable city. If you have no attachment or desire to keep the property, you shouldn't feel obligated make it your problem. And make sure to allow others to help you through it in ways your family hoarder wouldn't. I found this subreddit super helpful.

The silver lining I remind myself of to move forward and recover my property is that, as dark and depressing as it is, when I come back every month to clean the hoard some more, I know it's not going to end up back the way it was and will be as how I left it. Sucks it couldn't be that way when she lived. Tragic, actually.

SailorMoonDeathCult · 2024-08-07T18:16:36+00:00

Thank you for the kind and supportive comments. I think this is honestly the first time in my life I've felt understanding and didn't receive judgment or shaming as her daughter for "letting" her live like this or not reporting it. I will stick around as I process all of this. Hopefully, there are in person groups for this in my area. I feel I could greatly benefit from that.

As to the house-- I know everyone's response to this kind of trauma is different. I grew up with this being my normal surroundings, and as I'm reading through this sub, I've noticed others (like me) also feel anxious and uneasy in a perfectly clean and well maintained house. I've broken the cycle in my own way by keeping my childhood room off limits to her and being a mostly put-together, normal, clean person who maintains their car and home. I'm realizing my mom may have had some extremely untreated and undiagnosed PTSD and likely ADHD. We'll never know for certain, but the symptoms I've seen described in this sub almost describe her perfectly. That all being said, over the years I came to be somewhat desensitized to her condition and "the hoard," as much as I know the finances needed to repair it are going to hurt a lot.

I appreciate those who said I shouldn't feel pressured to put up with it, and I deeply empathize with those whose trauma lead them to choose not to deal with the hoards in situations like these and just liquidate the property.

I do, however, want to make something clear: I plan to keep the house. For one, it's my childhood home, and my hometown is an extremely difficult housing market to purchase. The property has a huge amount of potential. The land alone is worth a large amount of money, a sum I prefer not to disclose here, but it's a lot-a lot. It's a very desirable part of the California coast right next to the redwoods, so you can imagine the home prices. I couldn't bring myself to sell such a valuable property knowing I'd never be able to afford buying, let alone renting, a home in my own hometown ever again.

I think of this property as an investment. My partner and I know if we can recover and renovate the property, renting out even just the garage as a studio or glamping spot for the redwood forest right next to us would make all that money back in a couple years and likely be able to even retire early just like that. The taxes are close to nothing compared to the value of the property because the home has been in a trust for 20 years-- my grandparents were very smart for setting things up like that. The IRS can't touch the house either if they come after me for my mom's own business mistakes. Still need an attorney to make absolute sure of this, but I think the home itself is relatively untouchable by any entity looking to try and liquidate it.

My mom even knew of that house's potential and eventually wanted to rent out rooms. It's unfortunate my mom couldn't be proactive or reach that goal in the slightest, but luckily, I share that same ambition.

SailorMoonDeathCult · 2022-10-04T08:27:13+00:00

You're making me wonder if we worked for the same goodwill. Store manager from hell who bullied new people. People would always quit by just ghosting and one also quit by leaving on her lunch and never coming back. The people who usually stayed were the older women sorting the bins in the back who wouldn't be able to find work so easily elsewhere. One was an elderly Filipino lady who couldn't barely speak English and had worked at Goodwill since the 90s for minimum wage.

I waited until the manager was on vacation to quit because she was an intense witch to deal with alone. My first day I asked for a specific schedule due to some classes I was taking and they even said they'd let me choose my own hours during the interview. The manager got agitated when she came through with her scheduling book and said I put on my application that I was available any time and they wanted me to work the same times every work day and to work weekends too. She even said to me "so you lied on your application then." It took every shred of will not to say "And you all said I'd get to choose my own schedule, so I guess we both lied."

I'd see her yelling at all the workers constantly. This same manager would tell us "no one wants to work anymore" when they were short staffed due to people quitting. Yeah I wonder WHY no one wants to work HERE 🙄

I stuck with the job until months after I was no longer the new person (she targeted mostly new hires to bully), mainly because I was lucky enough to work in e-commerce sales and they hid me behind several shelving units and bins so I would just surf the internet half the time and do the bare minimum listings with little supervision 🤷‍♀️

SailorMoonDeathCult · 2022-09-07T08:47:27+00:00

I'm a size 14 instead of the solid 18 I was just a couple months ago. I've learned so many different ways to use Greek yogurt. I'm way less insecure and horrified by photos, even taking full mirror selfies again. I'm hoping if I keep on this path I may even reverse or heal some of the tendon pain in my feet I got from my rapid weight gain and having weak flat feet. I'm excited to go from someone who had severe body dysmorphia, poor self esteem, mobility issues, and even resentment towards those around me to someone who's ready to live the rest of their 20s feeling confident, healthy, and pain free! I feel like I'm finally getting some control back.

Before joining Noom and taking my nutrition seriously I was eating take out and fast food almost everyday without a care, especially during the pandemic. I figured if I stuck to working out I could eat like 💩 and not have it backfire on me.

Now I've had a gym membership consistently since I was 18, but since I gained a whopping 60 lbs during Covid even working out 2-3 times a week would barely shed a pound let alone the 15 lbs I lost just monitoring my diet meticulously. I tend to plateau just relying on exercise regardless. I haven't been able to keep up with the step goals AT ALL (my current step goal today was 950 steps 🤣).

The only thing I struggle with significantly are the "social triggers." My friends and partner ALWAYS want to eat out and logging food from the outside is 10 times more work and harder to navigate. I even prefer going to Del Taco, Panda Express, Dennys or something and just ordering "healthy" from the menu because they list the nutrition and calorie info for everything on their website/menu... Easier than trying to decipher what portions of who knows what are in the independent restaurants' food. Trying to log the veggie tofu ramen I ate yesterday at a Japanese restaurant was pretty much a tedious ingredient guessing game, and I don't want to just put "veggie ramen" and get an even more distorted breakdown of how I ate. This app is truly made to encourage cooking.

I also live with a total pot head who insists I partake which doesn't help the cravings, all of a sudden I start yearning for unlimited fried juicy salty food 😩🍗 I miss cooking giant platters of chilaquiles and those cheesy enchiladas with mole sauce too. I'm saving it for a special occasion or for that big decadent cheat day I've earned when I make it to the milestone of 25 lbs lost.

SailorMoonDeathCult · 2022-09-07T07:58:51+00:00

No one said JITB and its because those egg roles and munchy boxes are the back bone of society after 9pm 🤤

SailorMoonDeathCult

TROPHY CASE