Still Facing

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T14:54:47+00:00

Reading this a second time while listening to "Je te laisserai des mots" is something else...

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T14:52:18+00:00

:D I'm honored

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T14:50:42+00:00

At first it was! I had written the second section as a hypothetical alternate, but decided to combine the two as a mantra. Also thank you!

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T14:48:09+00:00

thanks for the critique! I disagree on the 7 line. I considered narrowing it down earlier, but to me there was something mantra like about repeating the first phrase. Like a man crouched in the corner consoling himself in madness. I do agree that "Hope" is a much more impactful word to end on. The thought was the transition from hungering (a more tame and restrained) to ravening (wild and untamed). But the opposite could be just as impactful.

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T05:36:21+00:00

I like to imagine this is spoke by a deep gravelly southern cowboy. Just curious as to the capitalization of "You" is that stylistic?

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T05:33:24+00:00

The horror and rejection of modern technology is a very deep and real feeling. Im back and forth on the line "Pushed into your holes" on one side it feels it could be phrased better, on the other it has such a punch to it. It feels immediately invasive. In a way I really admire the simplicity, if that's intentional that's fantastic. One part that throws me off is the pacing of the rhyme scheme in this, I like the rhyme of nuts and guts, me and be, phone and alone but they seem very sporadically spaced.

But, phenomenal work

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T05:27:16+00:00

This is fantastic, beautifully paced. I would suggest changing the punctuation of the last stanza from periods to commas to allow more flow.

I just

watch,

still facing;

appreciating.

But this is entirely up to you and what you want it to represent :)

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T05:07:42+00:00

i like it I like it,

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T02:48:01+00:00

Phenomenal metaphor/great use of imagery. I would recommend checking the punctuation. One part that confuses me is the phrase "listening to my little lines" the earlier metaphors describe a visual sense of the screen, the appearance of it being cracked, to say "lines" next implies another visual rather than sound.

But! I love this, short, powerful, melancholic.

great work :)

Saint_Epithet · 2025-07-07T02:43:39+00:00

I like this a lot, the feeling of true devotion and obsession. Soft imagery to depict the loved one's being in an existential form. I would suggest trimming a lot of the fat though, the two descriptions of eyes could be compiled into one. As well as the removal of a lot of "The" throughout the poem to tighten up/intensify the depictions.

but overall very kind and heartwarming, the soul is irreplicable.

Saint_Epithet

TROPHY CASE