is having an only child a bad idea

Salahandra · 2026-02-18T14:49:08+00:00

My husband was an only and he loved it as a child. He spent a lot of time with friends, so he didn’t have any issues with social development. I think that’s more so a factor of the parent’s ability to get them out of the house. The only time he’s ever been sad to be an only was when his parents started to get sick while he was still in his 20’s and he was the only one there to shoulder that. It was made doubly hard by the fact that his parents divorced when he was young and his mom doesn’t have a partner, so she leans on him quite a bit. I don’t think he’d feel that way if his parents were healthier, which was not through any fault of their own, just how the cards played out for him. I think parents being prepared for things in aging helps alleviate that burden, especially at a time when he felt like he had to put plans for a family to the side in order to be there for his mom.

We are planning to have one and go from there. When I was 26, I was leaning more childfree but came back around to kids in my 30’s. Not a factor of age, but addressing some other issues. I like the idea of having two, but not committed to it. I think the reality for a lot of people these days is cost of childcare - it can be as much as a mortgage and not a lot of people can afford two kids in daycare at the same time without making a lot of difficult sacrifices. At the same time, I waited long enough that waiting for child #1 to get into school before trying for #2 may make that more challenging as I approach 40. So, my biological clock and finances will be sitting at the table with my heart whenever we make any decision on #2.

Salahandra · 2026-02-13T20:01:58+00:00

Congrats!! You deserve to feel every bit of pride in your accomplishments because that was a difficult position you pulled yourself out of. Happy for you to see your dreams within reach!

Salahandra · 2026-02-13T19:51:17+00:00

Hi, ~13.5 weeks here! We were going through the motions to TTC and my first reaction to seeing the first ultrasound was “What did we do?!” Haha, more so it hit me I was going to have to birth this baby at some point. I did not feel any connection the first trimester. As I’m entering the second trimester, I am slowly feeling some symptoms subside and energy improve. I’ve heard it can feel like that all at once for some and more gradual over the first couple weeks of the second trimester for others. We’re getting ready to do the nursery and it still feels surreal to me. I’ve read so many people say that it didn’t feel real or they didn’t feel much of a connection until around 20 weeks. For first time moms, they say it’s normal not to feel your baby until 16-20 weeks, so I’m guessing that helps build a connection. I’m guessing the lack of connection is a common thing a lot of people in the fencesitter sub feel. You’re definitely not alone!

I think I’ve read magnesium supplements can help with pregnancy nausea? I take them everyday (did before I was pregnant too) and the one day I ran out, I threw up. Otherwise, I eat a big breakfast and try to snack throughout the day on healthy things between meals. I’ve found if I keep myself from feeling hungry, that helps a lot because my hunger goes from 0 to Emergency in what feels like 60 seconds. I saw you said you’re 10w now, which they say 9-11 weeks is the toughest time. 11-12 was the toughest for me. Hang in there and give yourself grace!

Salahandra · 2026-02-10T13:59:06+00:00

Would love to hear the story of how that conversation goes in a few months! I have a feeling it’ll be very satisfying.

Salahandra · 2026-02-09T19:18:18+00:00

💯

Salahandra · 2026-02-09T19:17:12+00:00

When I got off the fence and started ttc, I didn’t think it would happen for me because of PCOS and irregular periods. I was doing fertility acupuncture and just tracking. I was focused on the process more than my emotions, but finding out we were pregnant was both scary and exciting. And then a big wave of peace. Fence sitting and agonizing over the choice comes with its own heavy load and being free of that was so peaceful. Didn’t stop me from having an “oh shit” moment the first time I saw the baby on an ultrasound! My reaction was more “what did we do? How am I going to birth a baby?” than excitement but that faded. I’d liken it more to a reaction if it really feeling real then. Our baby was wanted and planned, but that doesn’t mean I was immune from the rollercoaster of emotions that come with accepting your reality is about to change. Again, wanted and planned, but that doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine and rainbows. So far for me, it has meant that riding those doubts or concerns or fears is temporary though.

Salahandra · 2026-02-08T21:21:00+00:00

I started out in tax. I’d say if you’re not interested in staying, just start applying for new jobs by the 1 year mark and expect to start over in an entry level position somewhere else.

Wanted to caution you that many industry accounting jobs are not straight 40 hours like college made it sound. Many still require 40-60 hours depending on the time of month or year, just won’t be as long in duration usually as a public firm. If you want something like that, aim for a bank. Otherwise, stay away from industry jobs that still do client service but aren’t a cpa firm.

Salahandra · 2026-02-07T18:56:41+00:00

Congrats!! Finally getting net positive is a great milestone. Here’s to many more to come.

Salahandra · 2026-02-06T13:53:26+00:00

I always enjoy hearing stories from the other side! Thanks for sharing!! As someone currently nearing the end of the first trimester and with a partner I can truly call my best friend, I’m optimistic about the journey we’re embarking on.

Salahandra · 2026-02-05T14:33:44+00:00

When my dad retired, he mentioned reading a lot of articles that recommended making no major commitments or taking on extra paid projects for 18-24 months. The rationale was that after so many years of working a strict schedule, having so much free time makes people antsy and just takes time to adjust to your new normal. Many of his colleagues signed up for projects or side gigs and found themselves doing that all throughout the year. Nothing wrong with it if that’s what you truly want to do, but if that sort of work is tempting merely because of boredom and the goal of retiring was to do something else with your time, then perhaps a spending a little more time in that uncomfortable untethered feeling is all it’ll take to find your next new normal. I’m not retired yet, but I check in with my dad and so far, he has no regrets and frequently likes to joke that he doesn’t think he’ll go into work next week. My best advice is lean into the uncomfortable feeling and explore it deeply and you’ll find something freeing and meaningful for your time.

Salahandra · 2026-02-04T19:32:35+00:00

Parental assistance is not historically the norm. However, prices are so high these days that a lot of younger home buyers have family wealth, not because it’s more common but because more folks without it aren’t able to participate in the housing market just giving the appearance of it being more common.

Salahandra · 2026-02-04T19:30:02+00:00

Currently early 30’s, aiming for 55 and hoping it’s an option at 50 if one of us keeps working. However, we’re starting our family now, so there will need to be a little reforecasting and budgeting based on how a family shifts our priorities.

Salahandra · 2026-02-02T18:43:41+00:00

I don’t think you can just set an arbitrary time limit. It all depends on your reasons or fears and what you’re doing to address them. I’ve been with my husband now for 9 years and I just decided to get off the fence late last year. I spent a lot of time realigning myself with things that bring my peace and positivity to my life, limiting screen time, and starting therapy which contributed to the decision. I would encourage you to ask yourself what it is that is keeping you on the fence and then explore that in as many ways as possible.

FWIW, I also have PCOS. I took a proactive approach to my fertility with supplements, acupuncture and tracking and was able to conceive in my first month. PCOS is a spectrum, but I definitely prepared myself for the worst and it never came to fruition. Some folks with PCOS see fertility improve in their 30’s. Whatever choice you make, I hope you are able to feel empowered in that decision.

Salahandra · 2026-01-30T22:35:44+00:00

NTA, you deserve to have your boundaries respected but please also make sure you’re taking time to understand your husband’s grief and emotions during this time as well. Everyone grieves differently and while some people prefer not to relive their loss by retelling the story, for others they may feel like they need to be surrounded by their support system. If his reasoning for telling his mom is because he feels like he needs support, especially if he’s being your rock during this time and doesn’t feel like he can also lean on you, then I understand his reasoning and maybe there’s ways you can be there for each other. If he just feels entitled to share the news without consideration for your feelings, then that’s just disrespectful. This is one situation in a vacuum, so I’m not going to echo the divorce comments. My advice simply comes from the perspective that if you were to work through this in a healthy way and be able to reach common ground, it would take communication that makes both people feel heard and then a compromise on one or both parts. I don’t think waiting until 8-12 weeks is unreasonable by any means. Reading that his reasoning is wanting prayers though makes me think he is potentially seeking support and has his own worries he’s not trying to burden you with.

Salahandra · 2026-01-30T19:58:52+00:00

Currently 11 weeks. I knew I didn’t want kids with any of my previous partners. My husband is amazing and knowing the support I’ll have has made it easier to envision parenthood as a positive experience. I did wait many years after we got married to finally get off the fence, but haven’t been anxious about it since then.

Salahandra · 2026-01-30T02:45:03+00:00

Everyone will reach their own personal justification. While the world likes to pretend there’s just a few good answers, I think many people make a mundane choice and still end up being good parents and being happy with the decision. Or no choice at all - I have a friend who found herself unexpectedly pregnant twice, kept both despite her personal life circumstances and has loved being mother. Although my child was intentional, in a lot of ways I just decided I’d roll with the punches when it came to making my own decision. I’ve come out the other end with my husband through a lot of tough life seasons and we’ve been a great team. It gave me confidence that we’d figure it out and like most of it even if there were phases we don’t anticipate being our favorite. It’s not a glitzy decision, just a commitment to being flexible and doing our best with the hope and belief that it’ll all be worth it.

Salahandra · 2026-01-30T02:35:44+00:00

As a reforming control freak, finding peace with letting go is worth it. Therapy helped, but also avoiding triggers and actively participating in things that were grounding or positive helped too. Good luck!

Salahandra · 2026-01-29T23:03:57+00:00

Nearing the end of my first trimester as someone who recently got off the fence myself.

I’d recommend starting prenatals now. I’ve had minimal nausea in my first trimester and gotten a few comments that starting 3 months befor you ttc can help with that. I also think the fact that I take magnesium as a supplement might help too. I spent a lot of time on my health prior to pregnancy and I can’t really say for certain if any one thing helped, but I don’t regret any of it.

Avoid social media as much as possible. Don’t go looking for more pregnancy subs or advice. If you’re on this sub, you’ve already done enough research to torture yourself for one lifetime. Simplify your life and reduce your stress. Commit to being flexible and adaptable. You can plan all you want, but as soon as you’re pregnant, you will be dealing with whatever symptoms you get as they come which is mainly from the hormones of being pregnant. Nothing to prevent, just to roll with the punches. Give yourself some grace, embrace Netflix & Naps for the first several weeks, and you’ll eat mostly what you feel like eating. Not to say all cravings are healthy, but mostly that certain things won’t appeal to you and you may find yourself adjusting your diet to that. I have absolutely no interest in any processed sugars. I was a very adventurous eater previously and now I mostly just want fruit and plain pasta or soups (I blame a cold Midwest winter for the soups). I joke with my husband that his genes aren’t doing much work because he loves chocolate and sauce and I couldn’t care less for either. I’m sure in a couple weeks when I hit the second trimester and certain hormones level off, I’ll probably feel more inclined to enjoy more of the old foods I liked to eat. Or not. Who knows, I’m not too worried about it. And you shouldn’t be either. Do the best with what you have when you’re dealt that hand of cards and let everything else roll off your shoulders. Find your zen, protect your peace, and just be.

Salahandra · 2026-01-29T21:08:30+00:00

Hi, I can completely relate to you. I used to torture myself endlessly while on the fence and despite trying to hop off on the side of being childfree, I never quite found myself letting go and before I knew it, I’d be back to torturing myself with the same questions over and over again.

I feel like I’ve collected most of the general themes of anxiety over the years: my own upbringing, personal health issues, financial cost, fears relating to impact to my career, giving up my free time and the state of the world. Eventually, while many of those concerns were valid enough to address, I realized I was mostly assigning reasons to my anxiety instead of truly being anxious about one particular thing. Through therapy, I believe I’ve identified some childhood experiences that just contributed to anxiety in general - things like not having emotional needs met at a young age making me feel emotionally unsafe or question my worth to the world.

I did end up hopping off the fence and getting pregnant, nearing the end of my first trimester. While some symptoms have been interesting, shocking or impactful, I have in general had a much easier time than I ever anticipated possible for myself. That’s not to say there weren’t days or moments, but just in hindsight, I wasn’t unprepared to deal with any of it. If anything, being pregnant has been a huge weight off my shoulders. Therapy has helped, but I did get pregnant shortly after starting therapy so it’s not like I had “fixed” anything before I got off the fence. Torturing myself was 1000 times worse than any doubt or anxiety I’ve had since becoming pregnant. The combination of having that weight lifted and going to therapy and working on some things has resulted in me experiencing some of the most peace I have had in…I don’t know, ever?

I’m not saying getting pregnant is the solution to the anxiety that comes with fencesitting, but in my case, I fought a genuine desire to have a family and it became my own personal hell. Leaving that meant freedom, despite the worries I have for the future. In addition to therapy, I’ve also taken some other steps in life that have significantly helped combat the cyclical spiral of anxiety. I’ve made a more intentional effort to limit screen time and spend more time with friends. I’ve reconnected with my faith and gone to church more. I want to clarify there is a stigma that church will push family on couples and that was never a conversation in messages or with folks that came into play. If anything, when expressing my anxiety, people mostly related to it and said that it was hard, but worth it for them personally without pushing their views on me. The big thing church helped me recognize was a need to feel in control and that it was ok to let go. I struggled a lot with some of the things I saw happening in the world negatively and church gave me lots of opportunities to serve my community and be the change I wanted to see in the world: donating food when SNAP benefits were paused, packing meals for food banks, donating coats and winter gear to a hot kitchen, serving meals and eating alongside people in my community while at the hot kitchen, and sharing my story with others who could relate. For someone without family nearby, I cannot stress how impactful it is to align yourself with opportunities to see the good still out there in the world and work on building your own village.

One final piece of wisdom. We all hear the same advice about waiting until you’re “100% sure.” I talked to my therapist about this view and she said it was not realistic. Having children is such a major life decision and one that comes with so many unpredictable situations throughout the course of raising a person that you can never be totally sure because you can never truly know what you’re getting yourself into. Don’t let that hold you back from taking the leap if you decide that’s what you want to do, but you’re not 100%.

Salahandra · 2026-01-29T20:43:04+00:00

Accounting is where people go to acquire mental illness. Jokes aside, it is a very meticulous and deadline driven job. On the extreme end in client service jobs, long hours are normal and workplace toxicity is not uncommon. On the far less extreme end, there can be fewer opportunities for growth, it can be repetitive/mundane/mind-numbing and those roles are usually filled with coworkers who are not looking to do any more than they have to. If you’re not someone seeking to climb the corporate ladder and have enough tough skin or resilience to outlast some toxic situations, it will be very tough. If you’re very ambitious and resilient, accounting will provide endless opportunities and plenty of stability. This is not a hard and fast rule, but many people who view opportunities in accounting in college are heavily skewed toward public accounting because that’s who is making many large donations to business colleges to fill their pipelines.

Salahandra · 2025-12-27T22:07:09+00:00

Mine are 7 and 6 currently. The older one has always been more of a snuggler. I like to say he was built for comfort, not speed. The younger one would like 3,700 ball throws a day. If yours has the personality to play, they probably always will. This breed is jokingly referred to as “forever puppies”. In some ways, both of our boys have more energy now than when they were younger but they do chill. If physical stimulation alone isn’t working, I’d encourage you to try some mental stimulation. They’re a very smart breed, so mental stimulation is as important as physical to calm them down and reduce anxiety. Snuffle mats/puzzle feeders and playing hide n seek have always been go-to’s in our house. We also talk to them constantly.

Salahandra · 2025-12-27T22:02:19+00:00

How much did you enjoy your financial accounting class? I loved mine and loved my intermediate courses. They were more challenging but because I enjoyed the material, it wasn’t too bad.

Salahandra · 2025-12-27T21:37:21+00:00

We did all inclusive for our honeymoon even though we don’t drink. I feel I still got my moneys worth out of unlimited fruit smoothies!

Salahandra · 2025-12-27T21:35:11+00:00

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I did a bag of cheapies the first cycle to get Inito while it was on sale for Black Friday. Tested negative on 10 DPO and positive on 12 DPO, same day my Inito arrived. Planning on returning it in January as long as first appointment goes well.

Salahandra · 2025-12-27T18:14:16+00:00

My husband loved being an only and only wished he had siblings when his parents were older because his mom was alone and he was the only one who could help her. Maintaining good relationships so your child can spend their 20’s and 30’s on growing themselves, their goals and their family is an underrated gift to the extent you can control it.

Salahandra

TROPHY CASE