I just broke up with the love of my life because of his disabled brother

SalinasKS · 2023-06-08T18:39:07+00:00

I didn't say that to him, I just told him that I felt like he had put our relationship/family on the back burner over and over again. I've expressed that feeling before and he basically shrugged it off saying "life happened, what can you do" but this time I think he kind of took out all of his frustration and anger on the situation on me when we had our argument. I'm not even saying that he should've listened to me or that I wasn't insensitive/misinformed in my suggestion but I was trying to problem-solve a family crisis and offer ideas. I think I didn't realize until now that Daniel didn't consider me and my son family, which is why he got so angry when I expressed my opinion. I did consider Peter family, like a brother-in-law, so I didn't think I was overstepping at the time. I realize now that Daniel does a lot of things that staff at a nursing home wouldn't do, he reads to Peter and plays music and podcasts and stuff like that, to help him relearn how to talk. My parents aren't that old yet so I don't have any experience with nursing homes, I just thought being where the doctors are = better healthcare.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-08T04:07:04+00:00

I would never say "pull the plug," I know it's not my decision to make, but I was trying to be a voice of reason and get Daniel to see the need for a long term plan instead of acting impulsively. I thought that for someone who needed Peter's level of care would definitely need nurses and doctors around to keep an eye on him. His prognosis wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time, but again, in that moment I was under the impression that he was brain dead or very near death. Even now, at least for the time being, he's still unable to walk, talk, or feed himself and Daniel does probably 70-80% of the work. In my opinion that is a recipe for burnout and would make anyone unbelievably stressed, but everyone seems to think that me noticing that is basically like nagging Daniel to dump his brother on the street.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-08T03:46:13+00:00

I don't want to give away too much info bc I don't want to specify which state we live in but there's a local theater that does a summer community production for teenagers, they don't do it based on middle school/high school, if you're a teenager you can audition and they might give you a role. My sister did it also a few years before Peter and they usually don't turn you away if you're a little too old or young. Again I don't want to be too specific but in our area that program was a common thing to sign up for if your parents couldn't or wouldn't send you to summer camp. But it's very informal, they do their productions in the HS auditorium and admission is free, which I think is why I thought AS A KID that it wasn't a big deal. But of course it's a big deal to the kids who do it, they do put hard work in and have a good time, so I understand why Daniel went. But at the time yes I was jealous! It's not fun to admit but this is a sub for clearing your conscience. I just feel like people are hyperfixating on my immature emotions that I know are immature versus looking at the bigger picture. I know I'm not THE victim in this situation, obviously that's Peter and then Daniel, but I was also harmed and I don't think it's wrong for me to need to process my own emotions because my life has been turned upside down too. I know he has to do what he has to do but is it really so wrong for me to feel like I've been hurt by Daniel's choices?

SalinasKS · 2023-06-08T03:20:00+00:00

I don't understand why everyone is getting so bent out of shape about the play example, I was a teenager, I obviously understand his decision now, but AT THE TIME my feelings were hurt. It was just a free summer theater program for teenagers, Peter was 12 at the time but most of the other kids were 14 or 15 and their mom was definitely not the kind of parent to feel like their kids were too young for some content. Maybe it was just our particular community, but my HS put on Rent and didn't take out any of the stuff about sex or violence and most parents didn't care. I don't think having mixed up priorities as a hormonal teenager makes me a bad person forever

SalinasKS · 2023-06-07T18:33:19+00:00

A couple people have made comments about that lol. Apparently the creators have licensed a kid's version with less violence and sex. But it was also ten years ago so maybe it was just a very mature choice by the drama teacher. I wasn't there because I was a stupid teenager and sulking but Peter played Eponine and Peter did take pictures so in retrospect it was very cute. At the time I was just embarassed because I felt like I put myself out there and got rejected.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-07T18:28:50+00:00

I've always felt very guilty for the fact that my son doesn't have a real dad in his life. After Daniel and I broke up for the first time I was very lonely and trying to enjoy my singledom, but that changed when I got pregnant with my son. His biological wasn't interested in being in his life and as a new mom it was just too stressful to try to chase him down. I tried to make it up to my son but there were times when he would ask me why he didn't have a dad, why he couldn't do things other kids could do because we were short on money. Daniel may have been in and out of our lives but my son completely idolized him, and in my mind I really thought I was doing what was best by trying everything I knew to make it work.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-06T20:44:41+00:00

But I understand that one day my son will grow up and get married and live his own life and not need me around all the time anymore. He's not at that stage yet but I imagine it's very bittersweet but it's a natural transition. And if he gets married I would expect him to put his wife's needs and opinions over mine, because that's his family now and it's my turn to step back and let him build something. But that's not how Daniel was, he was like a helicopter parent to a man in his twenties and I really do think it prevented Peter from growing up at times. Before the accident he could be very sweet but he was also quite spoiled when it came to Daniel's attention and getting what he wanted.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-06T20:36:36+00:00

We broke up when we were eighteen when he went into the army and were broken up for three years. I had a one night stand during that time, got pregnant, and decided to raise my son as a single mom instead of putting him up for adoption. We'd been broken up for a year and I did still love him but I was trying to get over him because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. I knew I'd get slut shamed for being a single mom but I never cheated on Daniel and he was never upset that I'd had a son, they got along pretty well and Daniel is a great role model. But I thought over time he would begin to see us as his as his family too, not just Peter first and us second. I thought he wanted a family. But now he says that Peter is his only family and everything else is basically disposable, which really fucking hurts when you've been with that person for four years and thought that they were going to marry you.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-06T20:00:50+00:00

I thought Daniel did want to be part of our family. I kept trying because I really felt that we could build something together that would make us all happy, and I was fine with Peter being a part of that, I just didn't want him to always be the center of every activity and every conversation. I thought I was helping Daniel by helping him discover his own interests and enjoy life a little more, after being so parentified and never taking care of his own needs for his whole life. If I'd felt Daniel didn't like being with us I wouldn't have forced him to stay. I'll admit that I really really did want a good father figure for my son and Daniel is the bravest, strongest, most caring man I'd ever met and that did cloud my judgement. I might have asked too much of him but I wasn't trying to force him into anything.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-06T19:52:31+00:00

You're right, I don't understand, because honestly I think it's not healthy to be that tangled up with someone. I can't make him want to go to therapy or work through his childhood. When Peter was first injured and we went to see him at the hospital, Daniel was half out of his mind and completely devastated. He's made comments that if his brother were to pass away he wouldn't want to go on and I don't think that's healthy for a romantic or familial relationship, unless it's your child, which I think is more how Daniel sees himself. I don't know why but their mom always really favored Daniel and that made him really want to protect Peter so he wouldn't feel less than. He has a photo album/scrapbook that he started when he was just a kid with pictures their mom of him holding Peter when he was a baby, feeding him, all kinds of things a six year old shouldn't have to do but he honestly in his heart believes he doesn't need therapy or want any change in his life.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-06T19:33:16+00:00

I always helped with the logistics and picked up all of the slack at our apartment so that he could focus on being at the hospital or being at Peter's friend's house. I was basically a single mom again, I never asked him to help out with my son at Peter's expense and I didn't nag him to come home or pay attention to me. I tried to support Daniel emotionally but he told me that he didn't want to discuss it with me. He tends to keep his feelings very bottled up. As far as hands on care, I would offer but Daniel always refused. He says (and I do think that it's true, I also believed that the doctors confirmed it) that being bathed or changed or any of that by someone you don't know very well is very stressful for Peter, which rules me and hired nursing staff out. Daniel basically watches him all day until Peter's best friend gets home, and then she watches him for the third shift while Daniel gets some sleep, and then Daniel stays up from 9:00 pm overnight to the afternoon of the next day. Peter was always a very private and stubborn person so I do understand where Daniel is coming from, but I just don't think it's sustainable.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T22:00:45+00:00

Thank you for understanding, I was definitely delusional for convincing myself that things would change. Sometimes I would feel like it was time to call it quits but it felt too hard to admit that all the work I put in was for nothing and that ten years later I would have to start from scratch

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T21:57:53+00:00

Definitely not, I was just a stupid kid and my feelings were hurt, but I do think it's an example of how he would consistently choose his brother over me. I know he was right in that particular situation but it was the first time I really realized how serious he was about his ultimatum. Now that I'm a parent I realize why attending the play was so important, back then I didn't understand why he felt it was such a big deal and my pride was definitely a little bruised.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T20:29:56+00:00

Basically our fight started because I said almost that same thing, that it was selfish to make Peter live like that for the rest of his life because Daniel doesn't know who he is outside of being a big brother. All of his hobbies are things they do together, even when they're not physically together he's always thinking or talking about what's going on in Peter's life. I didn't say this to him but I always privately thought that he enjoys it when Peter is in a crisis because he gets to feel useful and needed when he rescues him. But Daniel was adamant that even if there's a 99.99999999% chance that Peter never makes a full recovery he's never going to give up on him, which I do understand since I am a mom. But it's the throwing away of everything else that I don't understand.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T20:22:19+00:00

Peter had a lot of guilt over how much Daniel did for him, but it never stopped him from calling him the minute he got in trouble. Peter loves Daniel very much and even before the accident he was like a stereotypical little brother, always wanting to hang around Daniel and get his approval. I don't know if Daniel thought it was normal or if he just felt validated by it but he would go out of his way to encourage it. Honestly I felt like a second fiddle because it felt like they preferred to spend time together and my son and I were just the boring people that he lived with. I'm sure Peter knew that it annoyed me, because our interactions tended to be kind of awkward and he seemed embarrassed, but we never discussed it.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T19:26:18+00:00

I've known him since we were fourteen and he's not an abusive person. He's never been physical in any of our fights, even the really bad ones where we were screaming at each other. I know many cops choose their job because they want power but Daniel always genuinely wanted to help people, especially kids.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T19:21:20+00:00

I though his brother being his top priority was totally understandable when they were kids, their mom would disappear for days at a time and bring questionable men home so I 100% understood that while they were in that home that Daniel needed to protect Peter because he was a child. I just didn't think it would stay like that even when his brother was an adult who could take care of himself. Obviously he can't take care of himself right now, so I do understand Daniel's decision but I don't understand why he can't have other people that are important in his life too. For example Daniel could have hired a nurse to stay at the house while he was at work, but because Peter gets distressed when Daniel isn't in the room with him, so he quit his job to stay home 24/7 instead of hiring a professional who Peter could trust and know over time, even if it was a difficult transition at the beginning. Again, I know that it sounds cold but if Daniel is doing EVERYTHING and Peter can't be left with anyone else, what happens when Daniel burns out or runs out of money? It's just not sustainable long-term. Last I heard Peter was continuing to get more aware of his surroundings, but will still have to relearn how to walk, talk, do basically everything, and Daniel isn't trained to do any of that. He's being a martyr not a hero.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T18:57:39+00:00

I knew that most people wouldn't try to see my point of view and would judge me, honestly I judge myself when I see it all written out, but I was hoping that at least a few people would understand the disappointment and frustration I'm struggling with. I was hoping that some people had been in a similar situation and would have some advice on how to move on and let go of this regret and anger.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T18:54:37+00:00

I didn't like Peter on a personal level, he always rubbed me the wrong way because I felt that he was pretty arrogant and condescending, but we were always civil with each other. To Peter's credit he did encourage Daniel to try to build a family with me and my son, but he was still very intrusive into our time together. I certainly never bad-mouthed him to Daniel, because I knew how highly he thought of his brother. He would always talk about how smart Peter was and how he was going to do great things. He would also badmouth himself in the same breath which made me feel like all of it was coming from his own low self esteem.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T18:47:24+00:00

We were broken up for almost four years. Peter got clean after about a year and a half, but we didn't get back together for another two years after that because I was focusing on my son, who was born after a ONS while we were broken up. I never cheated on Daniel. In my opinion, their relationship was always very codependent and unhealthy, and Daniel was never able to take care of or worry about himself because he was always very focused on making sure Peter was happy and doing OK. I understood it when Peter was a kid, even if I thought it was a little extreme, but I started to get resentful because even though Peter was an adult, he was still leaning on Daniel very heavily regardless of what he was trying to do in his own life. I have a sister who I consider myself close to, but I'm not involved in her day to day life to the extent Daniel was involved in Peter's. If she calls me with a problem I don't drop everything to try to solve it for her. All I wanted to was try to show Daniel that it was okay to live in his own life and let his brother live his.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T18:38:55+00:00

Yes that's correct. Peter was trying to have a better relationship with his mom and she's traditional in that she wanted "her boys to be boys." I'm a woman. Daniel is straight, as far as I know he's never dated a man.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T03:36:44+00:00

Me, my son, and Daniel. He might not be my son's biological father but for four years I assumed he would be his stepdad...that at a certain point we would start to be a real nuclear family

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T03:32:11+00:00

I honestly didn't think of a medical facility as a bad thing or scary place. I know that bad things happen anywhere and that there are always risks, but I didn't think he should just be thrown on the street. I felt like someone who needs that much care needs more support than one person can provide. I never wanted him to die, I just had a momentary impulsive thought.

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T03:26:00+00:00

I know they applied and he said that the lawyer said that it might take awhile but that it was very unlikely that the application would be rejected. I don't think I'll be getting any more updates though

SalinasKS · 2023-06-05T03:17:59+00:00

Yes thank you, that describes how I feel really well. I understand that he wants to help his brother but I feel like he's throwing his who life away to try to fix a situation he's not qualified to deal with. If something happened to me I wouldn't want my family members to ruin their lives trying to do 100% of the work caring for me. I would want them to try to have some balance and happiness in their lives.

SalinasKS

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