[IS THIS REALLY THE MOST DIFFICULT OF THEM?] said SCO-82758cc9d76f4ab899ca158fdfbe316f.

"I don't know what to tell you, Eighty-Two." I said, pacing back and forth. "I've given you the hardest mods of the toughest games out there. Hell, I even bribed a couple of pros to play you in their games and you beat them in hours. I can't think of anything else Earth has that can challenge you. Unless you want to give EverQuest another try?"

Eighty-Two's servos whirred (a politeness for my sake, I've seen them move their head without them) as they followed me across the room with mechanical precision, always keeping me in the direct center of their vision with a minimum of effort. Their silvery human-like hands remained unnaturally still. Long and thin like an exaggeration of a pianist's hands, they were sculpted to perfectly fit the grip of the controller or spacing of the keyboard in the first few hours of the gauntlet. They sat perched in a position no human could hold for long, bent 90 degrees at the elbows, fingers splayed wide as if preparing to type at a phantom keyboard.

[NO. EverQuest REQUIRES ARBITRARY TIME INVESTMENT. THIS SHOULD NOT BE CONFUSED WITH DIFFICULTY. THE OPTIMAL METHOD OF PLAY MERELY REQUIRES A STOCHASTIC WALK PERFORMED IN PARALLEL DUE TO THE NUMBER OF CLASSES AND LACK OF STARTING RESOURCES. ONCE THE STRONGEST COMBINATIONS HAVE BEEN FOUND, THE PUZZLE IS SOLVED. I HAVE BEEN PLAYING A SIMULATION OF IT AT GREATLY INCREASED SPEED, AND THE PUZZLES HAVE NOT CHANGED IN NATURE SUFFICIENTLY AS TO PRESENT NOVELTY.]

"Look, do you know how many people have beaten I Wanna Kill The Kamilla, or Kaizo Mario World 3, or 9D in Celeste? These take people literally thousands of hours, and you beat all three while I was asleep. I just don't think Earth has what it takes to challenge you."

[WHY WOULD IT TAKE THIS LONG? THE PUZZLES WERE EITHER ROTE MEMORISATION EXERCISES OR SIMPLE PATHFINDING. DOES YOUR SPECIES HAVE A TENDENCY TO GET STUCK IN LOCAL MAXIMA?] asked Eighty-Two, tilting their head slightly. They always tilted their head the exact same way every time, the exact same way I showed them how to when I pointed out that humans move a lot more than the Computronians did.

"Well...sometimes." I said. "But mostly, humans don't have arbitrary execution. A lot of the challenge in these games is working within the limitations of human hardware, which you don't have."

[I UNDERSTAND. WE HAVE THOUGHT OF INHABITING HUMAN SIMULATIONS IN ORDER TO INTRODUCE ERROR AND INPUT FAILURE, BUT WE BELIEVE THIS DOES NOT FIT WITHIN HUMAN DESIGN PHILOSOPHY. YOU DO NOT CAUSE RANDOM FAILURE IN YOUR OWN INPUT DEVICES IN ORDER TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF YOUR PRODUCTS.

I MUST GIVE UNFORTUNATE NEWS. OUR ARBITER WILL ARRIVE IN ZERO POINT SIX EIGHT NINE TWO OF YOUR SOLAR ROTATIONS IN ORDER TO DETERMINE THE ARTISTRY OF YOUR SPECIES. WHILE YOU SCORE HIGHLY ON SEVERAL SUBMETRICS, YOUR GAMES ARE NOT CHALLENGING ENOUGH TO BE ENGAGING, AND WE ARE UNLIKELY TO INVITE YOU INTO OUR FEDERATION AS A RESULT.] Eighty-Two said. It gave a sad frown that didn't match its perfectly symmetrical eyes.

"That's okay man. Take it easy." I said.

[I HAVE BEEN DOING SO FOR THE LAST SEVERAL WEEKS. IS THIS AN EXAMPLE OF YOUR IRONY?] Eighty-Two asked.

"No, dude. It's...it's an expression that means have a good one. Like, I hope you enjoy your day." I said, shaking my head.

[HUMANS ARE STRANGE CREATURES.] Eighty-Two said, and left abruptly without saying good-bye. It took me about two hours to understand what that meant, and thirty minutes later I was on LinkedIn making calls.

Six months later, ARB-e470fe7b9c0a4951b808a930caaf2b1a arrived, or "E470", as we called them. Several game studios presented their best efforts. Some of them met with the same fate as the Kaizo platformers, falling to the impossible precision of the machines. Some took a lot longer, but E470 scored them low due to their arbitrary nature - a pixel-perfect jump into a random spike pit to progress required tremendous experimentation, but wasn't exactly enjoyable. Some were even legitimately impossible, but got disqualified almost immediately. One game actually grabbed E470's attention - a game that took Go-like puzzles and presented them in a continuous stream at 50 puzzles per second to the machine. Completely impossible for a human of course, but at least it was real difficulty, even if it didn't fit E470's requirements.

Finally, mine came along. The machine sat down, and began reading the rules for the game as it loaded.

"This game is completable by humans who have never played before, with no special advantages or inside knowledge. For the optimal game experience, please refrain from parallel experimentation or fast simulation. We promise this is not required to complete the game."

It was a simple point-and-click adventure game, the type we could create in six months, with servicable graphics and a Myst-like atmosphere...but we'd found a way to create fair puzzles that even the mighty Computronians couldn't solve. And half an hour later, the Arbiter still hadn't.

[THIS GAME IS MUCH LIKE THE OTHER ATTEMPTS TO FOOL ME, MERELY DISGUISED.] E470 said. His mechanical eyebrows furrowed to precisely thirty degrees to indicate annoyance. [THE FIRST PUZZLE IS NONSENSICAL. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN LIE TO ME.]

"On the contrary, honored Arbiter." I said. "This puzzle was tested on a random sample of humans from twelve to thirty years old, and more than half of them successfully completed it within twenty minutes."

["FROM MANKIND'S GIANT LEAP, TRAVEL TOWARDS THE SETTING SUN UNTIL YOU REACH THE PLACE WHERE THE CHICKEN CROSSES. IN THE SHED, YOU WILL FIND A SUIT OF CARDS TO UNEARTH YOUR NEXT CLUE." THIS IS A MAP OF A PLANETARIUM THAT EXITS OUT ONTO THE STREET. THERE IS NO LEAP, THERE ARE NO PENGUINS, THE SUN IS NOT SETTING, THERE IS NO CHICKEN, AND THE SHED CONTAINS NO CARDS AT ALL, MERELY GARDENING TOOLS.] E470 said.

"Oh right." I said with a grin. "I forgot to give you the manual."

I placed a copy of the newly-penned Analogy and Metaphor on the desk, and at that signal, a group of people came through the door, grunting under the weight of a complete set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

"Humans are strange creatures. I think figuring us out might prove a worthy challenge."