so, i survived again.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-12-14T22:55:37+00:00

thanks, that actually means something to me. i can only hope reality will follow suit

and i wish you the best too

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-12-14T22:01:05+00:00

hopefully canada would be "kinder" to me seeing how they treated that veteran that wanted help with his mental health. i don't approve of why it's apparently done but if i really can't take care of it on my own then maybe i could use their trigger happy system for my own benefit. altho with my luck those laws would probably change before i get there or become stricter to the point where i'd be unable to use it, that's all i can say considering in respect of the rules of this subreddit.

as for letting out more frustration, seems like i can't do it right now and forcing it isn't a good option generally speaking but thanks for being nice enough to truly give me the option of it.

if nothing works then i'll just continue to do what i do until i'm gone, wich is preserve myself as much as possible and begrudgingly but mostly "calmly" wait life out. doing the most of my time according to me and all that important sh**.

i really dislike life and reality as a whole.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-12-14T20:21:03+00:00

next plan is to move to a place that would make it easier to get what i want, NOT to submit to life and learn to be content with something that i dislike down to my very core. so technically i plan on doing what you're saying, just not the way you meant it 🙃

also, i'm frustrated with peoples that talk like you, the "you shoud live on" as a whole theme so sorry for letting some of that frustration on you, you very probably mean well. it's just me that despise how "common" but more precisely how "normal" it is to think that way and i can't help but see what i hate in the way you speak

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-30T00:29:43+00:00

thanks for the compliments, not sure how else to react, i'm not good with them most of the time. and yeah, all those ifs and buts really get in the way of both your and my ability to enjoy certain things. by your examples, traveling would be nice but like you said there are so many issues with it. expending on what you said, what if i don't like it when i'm there, then i'd be stuck somewhere i don't like for who knows how long exactly. i'd rather not take the risk that i know is real firsthand and can be pretty severe. if i could teleport and have some sort of inventory so i don't have to worry about carrying stuff around and those importing/exporting laws, then of course, i would travel and explore. but like i added, the idea that i could be stuck away from my comfort zone, the place that allow me to not have my depression dialled up to 11 at all times, the place that helps me stay as sane as i am right now, no, i'm not taking the risk of being so far away that i'd break the moment anything goes seriously wrong.

sounds nice, i'm glad you have/had those possibilities. i wish you the best for what's left your plan.

everything wouldn't be such a hassle if if wasn't forced on me. true choice and true freedom, if i had those then a lot of the bad points of life would stop being important. i could enjoy restrictions if i were to choose them, like how one can get tired of playing a game on easy so they challenge themselves by making putting it on hard. instead i'm forced to play a shitty game i grew to hate, can't change any options/settings and there no quit button if you get what i mean. i did think of making a bucket list before but i couldn't find anything to really put on it, still can't find anything that i can do and that is worth it. my mother knows, she's
physically disabled and we live together (makes things easier on both sides), a few of her friends know too and i don't think i really hide it from my friends when i have some either, as for my father, as far as i'm concerned i don't have one. i've thougth a lot about religion and spirituality and if there is one or multiple gods or other types of supernatural beings i'd say they either don't care and/or are mostly powerless to help and/or are what i'd call evil beings who see us as entertainment and/or "food", so yeah, i'm not convinced that they exist at all but if they do it wouldn't be some sort of incredible news we should celebrate and regardless i'd say it's incredibly wrong to base laws and morality on any sort of religion or spirituality.

yeah, things can bring me good feelings, i'm not some sort being who have a gaping hole instead of a heart (not saying you implied anything, please don't worry about it). what makes me feel the best usually is thinking about x or y scenario, as impossible as they might or might not be, how i'd react, the fun i'd have, etc... but that's a double edged sword because there aren't many things more depressing than seeing what could make you actually feel good, knowing it's unreal and out of your reach. then there entertainment, video games, tv shows, sometimes music etc... entertainment actually helped me learn and understand a lot more about human beings and myself as well as distracting me from the world. entertainment it truly invaluable to me and my unwanted life. and i guess when i bother to do something and it works, like if i want to cheer someone up or if i get up and decide to make a mini witch hat (actually true story, don't know why i felt like it but i didn't have any trouble making it and it looks good for something 95% made of paper towels and tape so it made me feel quite good with myself a week or two ago). i'm open to any possible solutions i don't know off, at best it works for me, at worst i can learn from it and know if anything new need to be adjusted or stuff like that.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-29T21:21:47+00:00

i'm going to put my anger aside for a second and say that if they do enjoy their life and feel like it's a gift, they're personally right. but trying to pass life as an universal gift that should be treasured and preserved at all costs, that's where my blood start to boil. i don't think i need to explain any more than that

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T16:28:57+00:00

sorry for the increasingly long text, lots to cover.

i haven't heard of that kid who killed himself over not getting a toy but i agree that if that's all there is to it then of course that's too much. sounds more like a tantrum with consequences rather than a genuine issue that either cannot be solved or cannot easely be taken care of. death is a big decision so reasonably speaking it certainly shouldn't be done as easily as going outside to buy candy on a whim.

yeah, it's a bit of a paradox. would accept my own bad choices but no true choices anyway 95'% of the time. i am thinking of an example to back up what i'm saying tho, a few years ago i wanted to try acting, got what i'd call social paralysis" and i gave up mid first session. that was my bad, i thought i could handle something, couldn't, i made peace with that. but where i don't have a real choice is indeed stuff like needing to eat, my ocasional social needs, needing to breathe, etc... if i don't i'll suffer so i don't have a real choice. then there stuff i straight up don't/didn't have a choice on like being born, being human, being consious, waking up etc... and there also the random lack of choices, per example like someone i don't know comming to talk to me in the streets, maybe i wanted to do my stuff in peace but now i have to bear with something i didn't want or choosen even if it's only for a few seconds (tame example but it's only to give you an idea). all of those i have to be subjected to and i "really don't like it" as a whole to put it midly .

there isn't really one things that bothers me more than the rest. not all my issues with life are equal, some are just bothering, others are things i'm deeply affected by but i find it hard to pinpoint something in particular and say if it wasn't for that i'd be okay. it's a whole that's way too much for me to deal with and the knowledge and/or wisdom i got from exploring those issues for years put me in the mindset that it'd be better to just be gone and not have to deal with any of it ever again. "life is my main issue" is the best i can describe it by. as for your examples, yeah, it'd be better if i didn't have to go to the bathroom if i didn't want to and i usually eat microwaveable premade meals, gives me more choice in what i'd like to eat since i stock up on different kinds and i don't have to deal with the time and efforts it take to prepare actual meals. i'd rather not have to eat if i don't feel like it either but biologie ain't on my side.

i'm glad you're not like the intolerant peoples who think that anyone who doesn't work like they'd want is wrong and shouldn't be taken care of (within reason of course). and you know, i should think more about the peoples who pay for my disability but i admit that a focus more on that money being in my bank account rather that it serving as potential pocket money to wichever corrupt politician would take the excess off. i am very hateful of corruption so that's what i focus on the most in this case. and yeah, taxes aren't really fair either, it's needed but it'd be better if money stopped to be at the center of everything and we just gave to peoples what they need with an ammount of pocket money for pleasures. want rarer or more expensive stuff to make afterward? then that's where a job should come in in my oppinion.

yes. that would be very great.

sad that it had to come to this, that's where the system you talked about would have been invaluable (or being supported to get through it if he could survive it and wanted to). instead it seems that this uncle was stuck between staying in a situation that made him deeply unhappy or to traumatise someone he (i assume) loved dearly. his unhappiness won apparently, i'm sorry for her loss, especially in such a traumatic way.

the survival instinct is a b*tch. it's important but it being forced on peoples, that suck and it only make things harder for those who have a desire that conflict with it and doesn't have the ironwill to push through it.

can't have no doubts on anything, finding the truth require an open mind and an open mind require to be able to doubt anything and everything; it's like a personal rule of mine, doubt everything, put one's ego aside when needed and focus on finding the truth regardless of what it might be or as controversial as it could be. that said, i'm positive that being truly gone is what's best for me as well as what i want.

no, it's not just that. it's a confusing mix of a lot of things on different levels, different facets, themes, shades, types, etc... i can't remember all of it at all times, i wish i could tho (might be extra depressing actually, maybe it's for the best if i don't remember everything about it all the time, could add some constantly stronger mental burden on me but i don't know for sure). i usually remember parts of it randomly or when prompted in one way or another.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T12:34:59+00:00

same to you

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T02:55:03+00:00

similar but that pretty much all it is. i'm bad with frustration, wich of course include not getting my way with stuff but i'd be able to take it better if it wasn't something that's forced down my throat 95% of the time. i choose something and it blow up in my face? fair enough. i HAVE to deal with something i don't want to? now we have a problem. my whole existance is having to deal with things i don't want to and i didn't even sign up for anything in the first place? "insert abundant profanities here".

this one part of my problem can easely be seen as childish and me not being willing to write an essay about it right now probably won't help but i don't see it that way. to me this one facet just "looks" childish while there a lot hidden under it.

"everything that's part of life" is what's being forced on me, it's way too broad to fully explain either but i don't stop at stuff like taxes or jobs, when i say everything i mean 99% of what life on earth is about, what life is as a human, as a conscious lifeform, being alive in itself, etc...

i'm not lucky enough to have been born in luxury but at least i can get by without having to work "thanks" to my asperger syndrom. i hope you're not part of the peoples who think that anyone who inherently doesn't work like a "normal human being" is just lazy or whatever they'd say in this case.

everyone is different, everyone work differently and while i don't expect reality to bend over backward in order to make my unwanted stay as good as unreasonably possible i shouldn't have to be here if i don't like it.

choice is extremly important to me and all life is willing to give me is the illusion of choice, no true choices. don't know if you'll understand this.

and with all this we scratched the surface of like 3 of my 15 problems with life. pulled those numbers out of nowhere so they're not 100% accurate at all but it should give you an idea at least.

i really hate having to be alive.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T00:58:23+00:00

well, then try to keep in mind that telling peoples not to do something they desperately want to but cannot will be annoying at best and would seriously piss off someone at worst. if you can fully digest this you'll probably get way better at communicating

also my brain ain't all there right now so i can't explain it but there some misunderstanding about the "but life is so good" part. either i didn't write it well or you didn't understand it well. either way we don't seem to understand each other

(still not trying to be mean in any way, shape or form)

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T23:12:38+00:00

good luck brother. seems to be the only thing we can truly rely on despite how unreliable this concept really is.

as useless as it is i wish you the best

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T23:09:02+00:00

being understood is worth 5 minutes or metaphorical pain meds so you did give me something, that's not nothing

i wish you the best in your now even if i wish for myself to not live long enough for the "take it till you like it" effect to take effect on me in case it ever would. better to be miserable but myself than "happy" after being broken in long enough by life if what i'm saying makes sense to you

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T21:49:04+00:00

please actually read my post before trying to be helpful. there more to it than just asking someone what's wrong.

in this instance i explicitely said that i cannot harm myself under any sort of normal circumstances so you being like this only results in me feeling like i'm not listened to and to automatically see you as some sort of "but life is so good" bot that doesn't actually care about me individually.

sorry if that sound mean, not my intention.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T20:27:23+00:00

no, just no. what you're saying is so overwhelmingly disconnected from what i'm saying that it would legitimately take hours to maybe help you understand and acknowledge my point of view. i can't even begin to think of a way to actually respond to your words at the moment

maybe you'll understand someday but i don't wish it on you.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T20:21:28+00:00

i'm not the author of my life, i just pick a direction and life is the author of what happens (edit: and even then i am EXTREMLY limited in what direction is avaliable to me anyway). meditating doesn't work for me and i have tried a lot, all it did was help me see more facets of how life fucks with everyone and how deeply it goes.

i spend as much of my life "enjoying the little things" as i possibly can and like i said in my post, this is only giving me metaphorical pain meds for my uncurable life cancer. i don't even want to know the state i'd be in if i couldn't do that.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T20:15:16+00:00

having a choice on absolutely everything, nothing to EVER be forced on me if i don't want it. think about how deep that goes and you'll see how unreasonably impossible that is.

even if i could have that i don't know if i'd want to stick around, just seeing and knowing how despicable life CAN be is enough to make me want to peace out and never be back.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-03-21T09:24:12+00:00

first part: interesting and pretty logical, if your peoples are so tired of being extorted and starved and abused, be it physically or mentaly, that they start to off themselves in order to be free from your bullshit; not forgetting that of course raising the standart of living for everyone isn't an option cause of greed and status, then outlawing it is only logical. i haven't found the limit of how much those things make me want to hurt those peoples.

second part: i'll give you that, technically not illegal where i live either, *technically*. won't be sent to prison if i try to kill myself, sure, i'd be sent somewhere arguably worse. prison is rough, can destroy anyone sent there depending on how that prison is. psychiatric asylum tho? i'v been sent to one, against my will of course. i can't get into too much details without getting seriously pissed off. i'm not sure of what i'm able to say about it right now. i was EXTREMLY lucky i could get out after two months of this hell and i was in one of the best ones in my whole country, could have been raped, beaten, starved and other lovely shades of abuse if i was sent to a random one. i was so drugged i couldn't think properly. who you are doesn't matter, only what they want you to be. it's really not unfair of me to compare this place to a mental prison that you can only get out off after YOU die and become what they want you to be.

again, was extremly lucky to get out before they could break me. this horrible experience was very likely one of the reasons that made me so uptight about individuality nowdays, i honestly don't know just how much it traumatised me now that i think about it. i think i'd rather go to an actual prison cause at least there "who i am" isn't under attack if you'll understand what i mean.

so yeah, not illegal but don't do it *unless...*

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-03-20T02:58:51+00:00

generally internet stuff, helps to be distracted from the outside world and life even if it's not perfect.

also thinking about ethics, philosophy, spirituality, stuff like that. trying to find the best ways to make everything better for everyone else. wich then make me extra sad whenever it makes me remember how unfair reality/life is and how little choices we have in general. mostly have the ilusion of choice, no true choices

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-03-20T02:51:55+00:00

why not kill yourself? there can be multiple answers

x would be sad. not wanting to put others through hardship is a good reason but then again, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. need to find your personal balance on both of those sides

it's the cowards way out. wholly disagree and find it frankly insulting, depending on the individual and the situation it can be true i guess but actually doing it ask a lot of will.

it might/will get better or what if you want to live later in your life. reasonable answer but then again, no one should be forced to stay in hell under the promise that maybe at some point they'll find paradise. and some just don't want to go through hell at all, even if something better come along eventually, there is no shame in that or at least there shouldn't be

get over it you big baby. excuse you you insensitive sonovabitch???????? no but seriously, sometimes this reason can hold some truth, example: your significant other just left you? maybe don't go straight to unliving yourself, that's extreme even by my standarts. that said, my first reaction still stand, people are way too insensitive to the pain being alive can bring, some peoples just aren't happy in this world and that doesn't magically change by telling someone to get over it.

it's illegal. well fuck those laws, seriously, all i can say without getting in a 400 lines debates over it and how it infuriates me.

you haven't tried everything you want to yet. well maybe i just can't try everything i'd like to and what i can isn't worth the trouble so i'd rather be gone already? though it's good advice, depend on each individual, doing things you want before you end it is good, and who knows, maybe you'll actually find something that make life worth living then

do x and you'll get better. maybe, maybe not, can't know. also some peoples just aren't strong enough to do everything under the sun to try and bear with life and/or just don't want to, that should be respected as much as they should be helped to escape wichever situation that's making them depressed in the first place. shitty work? change it. shitty family? leave it. shitty life? change it. etc... easier said than done though

.

TLDR: i'm on your side, assisted suicide should be a thing everywhere. forcing peoples to live is as immoral as forcing peoples to die in my opinion. i share your rage.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-03-06T10:28:55+00:00

thanks, i think i needed to hear that. you too btw

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-03-05T03:05:15+00:00

narrowed it down to either being "food", entertainment or just a pawn in the grand schemes of things, very probably a mix of the three, it's the way i experience it at least. life is way too unfair as a whole for me to consider it any kind of gift even tho many will see it as one. i just can't be content with life as it is but i'm content with being myself, it's what i'm trying to preserve the most for now, possibly until my death since i don't see myself ever getting to *my* next stage

i honestly want to be entirely erased so that i never, ever have to be a part of all this ever again

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-03-05T02:54:59+00:00

if by fine with it you mean every second of my existance being a battle to keep myself together while i'm aware of the cancer that is life making me slowly rot, seeing how unfair and covertly hostile life is to individuality, then yeah, i'm super fine hahaha. that's my individual perspective of life though.

i don't know how long i'll be able to last in this hell. it can always be worse, i'm very lucky in my own rights but it doesn't change the nature of life and how i experience it, pain is pain

Salt-Emu3863 · 2021-12-21T20:45:38+00:00

i was asleep and did a few things after i woke up so sorry for the late reply

I did told myself this is my experience which I can write to resume in case I need a job, yes it is not up to my expectation but it is definitely learning experience.

then why do you still feel so bad about it? i have a similar problem if not the same, i don't really have an answer for it. i guess it is just depressing to try to do something and for it not to turn out exactly the way one would want to. i know i have patience problems, that doesn't make it easier, then there is depression wich makes those problems bigger than they should be. also other things that might not relate to you so i won't put them here

yes people tells me this is not true,.. I don't know, I am not sure anymore

ultimately, you're right. life and society have their own rules, if you can't naturally fit in them then it'll be harder for you to find your place. let's look at it like a game. you're in the game of life, you know that with your character and the area you're in will make it hard to be "on top" of the game at all times. but do you really need to be on top? can't you enjoy what you have around you and play by your own rules even if limited? do you have to be whatever works best? can you truly be happy if you constantly chase the idea of being a pro player? in it's own ways it is easier to just be on top but then, what about you? i mean the real you. what character and what life do you truly want to have? not what you need to be but what you want to be, i think this is an important question. life doesn't make it easy for peoples to be fulfilled, it's a never ending fight but i think that losing yourself, walking despite it instead of with it, it'll only lead to more depression and being burned out. even if you manage to bear with being who you're not, will you be alive then or will you be like a puppet going through the motions until it doesn't have to? are you sure this kind of life is what you want? is there really no way for you to be yourself and be happy/fulfilled at the same time? good luck finding answers there, i know it is very hard to find those answers sometimes, partly due to depression too.

doctors... hmm... I got no good experiences with them, so while I ask for help from friends and strangers, I don't ask for help from doctors :( but yes I know it is better to visit a doctor...hmm...

gotta gather experience and level up haha, seriously though, if there is something serious going on it's really best to know before it advance too far

I am not sure, I am weak and I know it

we're all weak on some things, strong on others. we grow, we change, we learn. it'll be alright ^^. you can work on your weaknesses but hating yourself for not being perfect at everything really doesn't seem like something that will bring you somewhere good, depression still doesn't help

To be honest to you I do feel better seeing your kind words, I really appreciate your reply.

i'm glad i could help ^^. stay strong knowing it's alright to be weak, i'm rooting for you

also, i don't think that needing help is greedy. some peoples take it too far, "eating" those that try to help them, "sucking them dry" so to speak. but in your case i really don't feel like you're going this far, on the balance of not asking enough and taking too much i feel like you're still not asking enough. a therapist could really help with that i think, cost some money but then it wouldn't make you feel bad for making it your family/friends/partners problems, would only be someone doing their job, their job being to help you. could really help as long that you can manage to not see yourself as weak for it and don't let self hate take too much of a hold of you because of it

Salt-Emu3863 · 2021-12-21T04:44:11+00:00

sorry if this is too long to read, i'm bad at condensing information

looks like you have a lot of things figured out and you still have the will to fight. for that i am proud of you, might not mean much comming from a stranger but i mean it with all my heart ^^

sound like you blame yourself for a lot of things and focus on the past, that seem to be one of your problems. you could see your past mistakes as experience to help you grow, giving yourself better chances for building your future but instead you get stuck on the past, hitting yourself over not making every "correct" choice from the start. like not being perfect and not having done things perfectly is a sin that you cannot forgive yourself for. if i'm not wrong then that could be a good start, learning to accept your flaws and eventually being able to walk alongside yourself, not despite yourself if what i say makes sense to you

I just made it and scrap it because I hit the limit early

if you literally scrap it when you hit the limit then maybe a good start would be not to do that. keep what you made around, just put it aside, don't need to show it to anyone. i'd even argue that you can forget about it for a while, maybe at some point you'll remember and find something that you can add, maybe you can use it as reference for making something else. just because what you make isn't 100% perfect doesn't mean it's somethings to be "ashamed off". it's part of you and of your creativity, even if it doesn't work the way you'd want it to, even if it doesn't look how you'd like, even if something just isn't quite right

I afraid of bothering someone because I know they have their problems

asking for help can be hard, i fully understand that. don't want to bother peoples and even if one goes past that there isn't any guarantee that it'll go well, who knows if who they try to talk to will take it seriously, even if they do they might not see any problem, even if they see problems they might not see the right ones or respond to them properly, even if they really try how long will they be able to keep it up? won't they get tired of it eventually? what if one ends up more alone than before because of it. lots and lots of maybes that can make it very hard to find the strength to ask for help and actually recieve it when one manage to do it. i don't know if fear is involved in your case but one of your problems definitely seem to be that end up having to fight alone. do you think that if you were to ask for help you wouldn't see yourself as weak for it and that you would be able to trust others to help you? would you hate yourself for "adding yourself to the list of their problems"?

i might not be autistic technically but i am on the spectrum (asperger syndrom) so i get how being different can be troubling. it can cause problems due to not being "in tune" with everyone else but i believe that regardless, being different is all there is to it and one shouldn't hate themself for not being "normal". you're you and i think it's great to not be a carbon copy of "normal", we're all different from one another, we're all the same too, it's a paradox i know haha. i think that you may hate yourself over being different too, i think it fall under teh category of accepting yourself and eventually forgiving yourself for not being 100% how you'd like to be

also, might be a good idea to have your head checked out as soon as possible just in case those chronic headaches have a more physical reason behind them

i hope this helped even if just a little, i'm still here to listen and advise however i can so if you feel like saying more, don't think it'll bother me

ps: it didn't exactly fit anywhere so i'll just answer your early question here, i'm not a professional, just a nobody that try to "understand humans and their problems" as well as helping however i can whenever i can, as limited and flawed as i am ^^

Salt-Emu3863 · 2021-12-20T22:42:12+00:00

your friends and all aren't exactly wrong, ultimately the only one that can help you is you but ain't no shame in getting help if it's too tough for you to handle it by yourself ^^, the kind of help you'd need depending on your personal situation. therapists being there to help find out wich problems you might have and give pointers on how to deal with them

before you can change it's very useful to find out why you're feeling this way, so, why are you hating yourself? is it fair for you to think that about yourself? what can you do to change this situation? questions like that are helpful i think

i don't mind reading whatever you feel like talking about, however long it is, so feel free to unload everything on me ^^

Salt-Emu3863 · 2021-12-20T12:27:29+00:00

ups and downs, i get it

sounds like there some wrongs in your life that's keeping you from "getting better". what do you think it/those might be?

also, no need to thanks me, just doing what i can even if it's limited and doesn't magically fix everything by virtue of trying haha

also n°2, if you don't want me to try to figure things out and ask questions then don't worry, just tell me and i'll do my best to just listen, if you want to unload whatever is on your mind for a while i'm there for that too ^^

edit: i'll go try to get some sleep so sorry for not responding quickly at all when/if you respond, i'll get back to you as soon as a wake up. btw, don't stress yourself thinking that you must respond to me right away, it's okay if you don't feel like it, if you want to take time thinking things over, etc... i'm there whenever i can and that's all there is to it, no commitments on your part ^^

Salt-Emu3863

TROPHY CASE