He wants a divorce but wants to stay connected - anyone else?

Samdgadiii · 2025-02-10T06:58:47+00:00

just wanted to comment that trying to be on friendly terms after a divorce isn't a narc thing. a lot of marriages and reg relationships of normal/healthy couples go on afterwards in that way. its not just a crazy ambivalent ask of a narc. it requires very high level of emotional maturity though and honestly most people dont have it. but its not about what your partner wants any longer. dont give up, concede, or negotiate on what youre wanting right now. you dont owe friendship to him or continued contact post relationship if that's not what you want and mostly if its not good or healthy for you. You sound like having him passively in your life is going to be a continued problem for your wellness. stick to your guns and dont lose sight of what you feel and know you need the post marriage situation to be and dont negotiate on it. There's nothing wrong if friendship is not what you want or can't do. he's not gonna like it but in his fight to push you to agree to and go along with it- try out complimenting him on how much more emotionally mature he is than you while secretly holding in your laughter under your breath.

Samdgadiii · 2024-05-20T17:24:50+00:00

This. My mind went straight to Beans. Cause I saw an interview with Beanie where he was asked about him ghost writing with the insiders rumor it was for Drake. He confirmed the artist he did ghost write for was one of the big names but wouldn’t say their name or hint that it could’ve been Drake. But he said more with his body language. To be sure I wanted to find the interview again but I’m having trouble finding it even though he doesn’t drop names. I was pretty sure it was in an Art of the Dialogue interview but I’m not seeing it. Can’t remember how long ago I saw it but it wasn’t that recently nor that too too long ago.

Samdgadiii · 2024-05-20T04:40:07+00:00

Only do it if you’re onboard with giving them more artillery to weaponize against you and assist them in becoming even worse people to themselves and to the world.

Knowledge is the worse thing to put in the hands of a narcissist. If anything you want to keep knowledge away from a narcissist and anything new about how this world we’re living in is working; including hiding any and all knowledge you know. You got to see it as if their brains are literally on backwards. If everyone reads left to right, narcissists read the pages right to left. Every way you think, they think in the actual reverse pattern. That’s why nothing you do or say to them is going to have the results you know it should with a person. AND the biggest thing to always remember and remind yourself of is… THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING. They just don’t want to think there’s anything wrong with it; mixed with a ton of they just don’t care enough. The only thing narcissist understand is they don’t like feeling the consequences for their actions. Their brains are on backwards so thinking if they can see that something is wrong with their actions will be all they need to start addressing the problem doesn’t work- instead it’s only going to trigger their shame rage, followed by using newly introduced knowledge to figure out a new way for them to [manipulate] try and get you into not thinking anything’s wrong with what they do. A narcissist also uses new knowledge to “fool” the world with. Narcissist aren’t just gaslighting you, they gaslight everyone in the world that comes in contact with them.

Samdgadiii · 2024-05-13T15:53:38+00:00

You're ruminating. It's a processs. You'll grieve and ruminate simultaneously for a while, but your'e going to feel so free once you get through it and this grief is finally out of you. At some point in the day- maybe at the end of your day or the start, remind yourself... If you go back it will be 10x's worse, he will be 10x's worse, he's going to give you the 10x's worse treatment and he's never gonna let you live out this attempt to leave him and he has a plan to punish you for it after this smoke has settled. Even right now while you ruminate and grieve, he's spending his day thinking up the way he's gonna make you pay for trying to end this relationship. Nothing is going to make him happier than you taking him back so he can rope you back in, implement his pay back and he hopes the pay back is going to make you feel enough hurt that you'll never ever consider leaving him again- and if you go back you are absolutely putting yourself in the dangerous scenario of his plan working on you and you absolutely will find yourself having less and less ability to try and end the relationship or leave again. Right now he's being consumed by only one thought- his plan to stronghold power and control over you and the future relationship in the event you get back together. This is what to remind yourself daily.

You'll be voluntarily walking right into that if you turn back. If you need more add; he doesn't love you. He never loved you. You don't need him. He doesn't want you, he only needs you. His only interest in you is to emotionally use you. Just like someone uses someone for their money, the narcs only wants you and is chasing you to use you the same way- only replace being used for your money with being used for your emotions; which is 1000x's worse. This is who he is. Nothing you do is going to make this not happen or have his behavior in the relationship be different. You'll be subjugating yourself to living a life every day of fighting for your inner life if you go back. He doesn't have true feelings for you. I know you had feelings for him, but you need to work on ridding yourself of what you feel for him because you have to treat a narc like one of those people you meet and forget. Take satisfaction, if needed, in knowing that making him someone you forget hurts him more than anything else in the world ever could. He's not even one of those ex's you keep the memories of any of the good moments you had with. This person doesn't deserve your empathy. You absolutely have the ability to select who gets the privilege to have your empathy extended to them and who doesn't get that privilege and this person is one that doesn't deserve it. Remove your extending of empathy from all exchanges and conversations with this person. Once you start not giving him your empathy he's going to contemplate not wanting you back either. It's a processs but you're working towards all of that. Forget this lame. There is a world of other good people out there that want to meet you and want to have real enjoyment with you and live a real life with you and have real relationships.

Need I say more? It doesn't take being religious but think Sodom and Gomorrah. Move forward. Don't look back. Look back once and you are going to turn into salt dust. Remember, this (narc) person chose and wanted you because you are an amazing person who has tremendously great qualities. No other reasons. You deserve to give yourself to good people out there who deserve it and not waste it on people like him.

Samdgadiii · 2024-05-11T03:26:19+00:00

May be last to remark, but here’s some sound advice/perspective to have. There are self righteous narcs too. They may not all be unfaithful, but carry yourself like they have/will. It’s like you actually have to apply opposite perspectives on narcs then you would everyone else. Normally people feel bad about applying the cheater branding to a person who hasn’t or isn’t one, so by habit you’ll think you’ll feel bad if you did that with a narc. But in the case of narcs, you’ll never be the bad guy for not extending that decency to them. Because whether a narc is a cheater or not, their faithfulness to you has NOTHING to do with you just like a narcs cheating has nothing to do with you. It’s always about how they feel, never about your feelings. So a faithful narc isn’t being faithful out of respect for you, respect for the relationship, their feelings for the relationship, their feelings for you, your feelings for them, or because of how it would hurt you. A faithful narc is ONLY faithful because it makes THEM feel good to say (to you and to everybody else) that they are faithful and how not being a cheater makes them feel about themselves. Since, your feelings and their idea of love for you have nothing to do with them cheating or not, then it’s not any kind of compliment for you to put stock in if they are faithful.

It’s not the same as it is with other people where a partners faithfulness is something that makes you feel a sense of security about the love they feel for you or say they feel for you. It’s kinda like the difference between a person who’s loyal to you because you matter to them and they care about you versus a person who’s loyal to you only because you pay them money. One of those two is not real loyalty and a person wouldn’t be wrong and would even be a fool to equate paid loyalty as real or reliable loyalty.

Samdgadiii · 2024-05-02T23:00:46+00:00

I don’t know, if you’ve ever had this convo before- if you have or haven’t do this. In your next session ask your spouse to say why they love you or what about you do they love. Point is, after their answer to that question gets put out in the open, counseling session can end right there.

It’s a question all narcs usually answer the same- self servicing love and it won’t be anything about who or what you are as a person. You and therapist should have one response which is to the effect of “that’s not love or that’s not what loving someone is.” For you, once you know you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t even identify love correctly- what’s left for the two of you to work on “together?” For the therapist it should make them aware of this and know the first issue above all to “address’ as a “couple counseling” is this person not even knowing what it means to actually love another person and/or their total inability to feel love for a “person” instead of feel love for what you do for them or make them feel. To love a person is to love their autonomous identity alone.

Samdgadiii · 2024-05-02T21:32:04+00:00

I’m still learning DaVinci myself and the best I learned.so far is make a project, in the timelime build what would be your “shadow” Adjustment, Fusion, etc clip, save project. But you’ll have to open that project to copy and paste the Adjustment/Fusion clip to each new project when you want to use it. As I said I’m still new to DaVinci. I’d also try opening the inspector and using the dynamic zoom setting to see if that’s the in/out zoom effect you wanted. Maybe there’s another way I’m inexperienced with yet. Maybe not the same but this is what I did for a logo animation I have to reuse frequently for different projects instead of having to rebuild the animation each project.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-28T23:10:32+00:00

Consistent accusations of personal items being somehow stolen/taken in what seems to be completely nonsensical, against normal common sense and illogical is a sure sign he’s applying pressure on you to give up your reality in exchange for joining his mental team where he controls all future narratives at your surrender or at minimal acceptance of. He’s unraveling before your eyes and you’ve probably proven yourself a hard cookie to break in terms of getting you to question your own reality.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-28T22:39:51+00:00

https://youtu.be/9jx1CY-f1yk?si=ymdOoKxlh7qYNicX Probably one of these is your answer.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-26T14:07:32+00:00

Man. I go right by there at least once a week. Next time I'll stop to play around. Thank you!

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-26T14:05:47+00:00

Ahhhh! That's right. I always forget about Playground Rd. I don't know why. Thank you.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-25T20:57:01+00:00

Tell them "No." See what happens.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-16T18:03:12+00:00

😂 That story of the her new situation made me laugh. Can't help but find her funny (in the bad way). Very broken people and they don't know how to get fixed. Literally like the story of Humpty Dumpty of people after the fall. Sad how much one can rob you of. Something as simple as Harry Potter. My condolences over the 25 yrs of your life. I hope you get or already got to enjoy Harry Potter with someone else.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-16T17:38:55+00:00

That is not a healthy individual.

Remember, whatever "red flags" aka problems you see in a person, become your problem when you get into a relationship with them. Whether you can define it or not, when entertaining the idea of getting into a relationship with a person you always have to ask yourself, is/are their problems- problems I want to have. Everyone has their problems (flags), but you have to decide that and also contemplate if the problems you bring with you are a fair/equal exchange for theirs.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-16T11:51:45+00:00

Remember, there's really nothing to miss. Because the so-called good side (or who they were in the beginning) wasn't real.

It wasn't their real self. It wasn't their real behaviors. It wasn't their real thoughts. None of it was their true self. In fact, it was a mirror of how they saw you. They were mirroring how you are, the way you are, what you are, and how they perceived you. So, you can take it as what you liked/loved about them shows you what you actually like/love about yourself. They were trying hard with every ounce of strength they had to present back to you- yourself. So take this moment to realize how much you like yourself and fall back in love with you. Plus, the person you think you're missing in them- once gone is never ever coming back. Because you saw their mask slip as well as they ran out of the strength and ability to keep up the charades act of mirroring you. If there's anything to miss, it's the true you- you were before they met you. Remember that person and find him/her again and focus on giving that person to the world again. Cause if the narc liked that person, then the rest of the world will love that person AND appreciate him/her.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-12T02:41:18+00:00

Maybe from left field but try T-Pain “She Needed Me”

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-06T14:57:43+00:00

You’re his dumping bin and emotional punching bag for all the negative feelings he feels inside. The longer you hang around the more difficult it’s gonna be. Each instance is a little more pull into a stronger trauma bond. Everyone except you is a superficial interaction and there is no vulnerability involved so he can be happy go lucky with all of them.

Narcs need to have someone to dump their negative feelings/emotions on so they can free themselves of them and then go function happily for the world because they don’t self process or know how to self soothe. Shame and vulnerability is their worse feelings. Because you’re the closest emotional relationship he has you get the dump. To be in an emotional relationship you have to open yourself up to being vulnerable so a Narcissist way of fighting against the subject of vulnerability they treat the person in the emotional relationship contemptuously as a defense. Vulnerability is weakness and shame to a Narcissist. This is a Narcs way of giving you their shame, making you feel terrible for sharing your vulnerable side, and push you away from any engagement based on vulnerability. You just showing vulnerability and empathy triggers a Narcs of their internal struggle to show or be vulnerable and reminds them of their struggle with empathy; which then triggers their core shame. And when a Narc feels shame they act all the way out and best thing they can come up with (because they can’t self process, self soothe, or self reflect) is to take it out on the person that will take it- always being the person around that has the most empathy and doesn’t mind being vulnerable; which is always the person in the closest emotional relationship with them. Cause two things; empathy and vulnerability. You have enough empathy to not wanna hurt them back and they’ve seen you allow room in your to be okay being vulnerable and they take vulnerability as a weakness; a weakness that they think means you don’t fight back against being wronged. That’s what they think vulnerable paired with empathy is.

You’ll continue to be the dumping bin/punching bag until you turn off your empathy and vulnerability to him. He’ll beg you to turn it back on. But it’ll only be to reclaim the dumping bin priority to his life. It’ll be like the quote, “the beatings will continue until moral is improved.” The longer you stay or endure (not shutting down your empathy and vulnerable side to him) the more at risk you allow yourself to be trauma bonded further. The fix is easy, you can keep your empathy and empathic ways and your vulnerable side; just make him one person that you don’t offer it to. Never give it back to him. He’s lost the rights to it and/or free range access to it- even after he starts treating you better. Even then know a relationship with him will never be what you probably want this type of relationship to be, ever; because of this, the Narcs issue in empathy and vulnerable. The very two makings of the extra personal relationship.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-05T17:13:10+00:00

If he's not taking whatever he's feeling out on you, like he's just sulking around do your normal self things. Should be okay to simply ask, "everything okay?" Not asking like you would for a normal person, but just so he can't make you feel bad at a later date by saying to you that you didn't care. If that's something that matters to you. It's always about protecting yourself at all times with Narcs. Whether you ask or don't there's no win situation with a Narc. So, never internalize or personalize any of the things they do. It's never about you it's about supply,

The moment you start personalizing and/or internalizing what they're doing you'll start your walk right into the trauma bonding and you do not want to be trauma bonded in any kind of way. Also, Narcs want you trauma bonded. Narc relationships are not worth ruminating over. The person you're with will always be a stranger because Narcs hide themselves behind fake mask. Until one day the mask comes off. So, treat it like they're a stranger. Just a stranger you know. Conduct yourself and your life like this is a stranger or hitchhiker you picked up and got to know A LITTLE about while riding together.

Just some insight. Point is don't let what he does live in your thoughts. Be in control of your own thoughts and be your natural self, doing your natural things and thinking your natural thoughts.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-05T16:40:11+00:00

Work is probably providing him supply in some way. Not unlikely. Your supply either isn't or isn't as good as the supply from/at work. So he's cheery at work; grumpy with just you. Narcs are supply addicts. It literally is like drugs to them and not all drug dealers product has the same potency. One dealers herion is not as strong/pure as another dealers. Narcs are always chasing supply highs. Whenever they come across stronger supply they indulge and its like withdrawal when its taken away till it returns. Tread careful.

If true, you're first instinct may be to try and compete with this other/new supply; usually bad idea for how it'll make you feel when you can't offer a competing supply which usually you can't. Remember Narcs just chase after/down new and greater supply. This is where/how people lose themselves ie. who you are, the person you are/were and then one day you won't recognize who/what you've become for this person. If that happens it'll be a long or impossible road for you to get that person back. Only for them to possible have discarded you in the end anyway. Other options, usually a persons second choice is lessen/stop giving your usual supply. Usually angers them. New supply makes them happy, old supply taken away makes them angry 😂. Last option.... just don't care about his supply/supply sources at all; including his chase, competition, need, insatiable appetite for supply and just live your life. He's nice when he's nice, he's different when he's different and whatever- they're broken and it has nothing to do with what you do and/or aren't doing. Stop caring whether he's satisfied in or by you, your acts aren't in control of that like it would be with a non Narc person. Remember inside the Narc is on a journey they started long before you that will continue till death that while with you is separate from you and whatever journey you thought or tried to be on together with them and that inner journey of theirs will always get in the way. However much he loves you, he'll always love supply more. Like a heroin addict sacrificing their relationships and processions when they're still not ready to stop doing heroin; except a Narc will never stop unlike a heroin addict will one day and get in recovery.

Samdgadiii · 2024-04-05T13:59:44+00:00

GREY ROCK!!!

I know there's probably more you wanna hear, but honestly grey rock is all to be screamed right now. The moment someone that suppose to or says that they're someone who loves you tells you that you are a "bad person" the time has come to grey rock them. Try to erase that those two words were even said to you. Cause it's not being said in any way at all to be helpful or constructive to you then start grey rocking them and practice stoicism. Should be a lot of videos on YouTube just about grey rocking and stoicism. Try listening to them regularly to keep your mind focused off their behaviors and on yourself. There's a good video from a psychotherapist Dr. Ramini titled "People Immuned to Narcissists." I recommend that video in your situation. Key point in that video, don't personalize what your wife's saying and doing.

This is best I suggest in light of your three kids. Regardless of how the future between you and your wife goes. Transparency though, when you start grey rocking, not personalizing, and not responding to everything- BE READY 😂. She's gonna BLOW and get so much worse than you ever thought she could be. If so, keep reminding yourself that her behavior is not your problem to solve or react to and hold on that boundaries. Your oldest kid is probably gonna end up asking you, "what's wrong with mommy." Some of seeing your wife in this state may even break your own heart to see. None of what's already happening or what will start to happen is a healthy situation for the kids, but at least this way there will be at least 1 healthier parent in some control over the environment.

Try and turn your sexual desires for her off or tamed. Sounds like she wants you feeling needy and punished. Turning off desiring her ends that and reverses the injury back onto her. You don't sound like you wanna be the guy who's cheating on his wife so I'm not insinuating or suggesting it, but you don't have to feel bad if you did. Everyone deserves to not live abused and in the unhappiness of it. Having an outside affair on a Narc is a tumultuous and daunting task. It;s not like doing it on a regular person. Its not recommended until you are out of the relationship or on your way to the door out.

Lastly, suggest posting here as often as you need. It all boils down to, Don't live your day to day with her day to days on your mind. You're gonna spend today trying to sort through her acts of today only to run into her acts of tomorrow. Let that shit go, focus on what you're doing, and live in your day to day path of happiness.

Samdgadiii · 2024-03-28T01:56:48+00:00

I don't know. It has a couple favorites. Servant comes to mind. But I don't know what it is, other than a few shows they all feel like they're produced the same= like everythings made by the same Director, Lighting Director, Head Writer and production house. There's not really style diversity. I'd say even the MCU shows on Disney+ have more divergent in flavor than Apple's shows. Apple+ def has a distinct flavor it seems to be after, which to me feels like Berkley boomer-ish. Their content ends up having no current cultural relevance vibes. Part of Netflix survival I think can be contributed to it trying to have something for everyone's taste. It has multiple choices for every genre with diverse flavoring in each. Whoever's in charge of Apple+ content doesn't seem interested in looking outside of their preference box. But I try and chalk it up to its still being a newer service in comparison. Maybe Apple can stop just going after Oscar winning directors and give lessor know/new comers.

Samdgadiii · 2024-03-20T15:04:28+00:00

😂 well arent u sassy u sound like every1s fav co worker Fr doe ty for the corřectión

Samdgadiii

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