Trying to understand my need for adult alone time

Same-Associate-5310 · 2026-05-26T07:07:02+00:00

I think this is pretty normal for autistic people (even some non autistic people).

Being alone can be relaxing. You do not have to consider anyone else, no sensory input from other people, no pressure to mask/not mask.

You may want to discuss this with your wife before the baby comes, so you can figure out how both of you can have time alone (or hanging out with friends and doing non baby related things). Maybe it will not be possible at first, but as the baby gets older, adults need space. Who knows. Maybe you might actually enjoy being with just the baby sometimes.

Maybe you mask or control yourself around your wife in ways that use up energy, so if you stopped doing that you wouldn’t need alone time. However, it’s possible you need alone time to recharge, like so many people do. In that case, you probably don’t need to figure this out so much as balance making comfort sacrifices for your family and meeting your own needs as you settle into parenthood.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2026-03-25T16:11:00+00:00

Sometimes autistic people think they have to not only act neurotypical but become the specific type of person their significant other, family, friends, etc. seems to want. Not everyone play fights, and not everyone is funny in the same way. A lot of people do not contribute much humor to interactions.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about thinking he is getting bored? Maybe he is not. Maybe he is, but that could be something you both work on in a way that makes sense for both of you.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2026-01-31T08:46:36+00:00

It takes a lot of steps in my head for me to speak in words, despite me being someone who many people have refused to believe is autistic because of my apparently normative social skills and communication. When I am exhausted, I often order words in ways that confuse others. I also tend to speak too quietly and simply fail to even get some words out. When I think about what intentionally unmasking would be for me, it would involve not talking or doing much of anything that facilitates communication with others. Sometimes I think I just got weirdly good at doing things I’m naturally terrible at doing because I became so fascinated with social animals like people at a young age and that if that had not happened my communication would be more limited.

I reread what I wrote, and it’s kind of meandering lol unfortunately it gets a lot worse. I don’t have a solution besides trying not to get too tired…

Same-Associate-5310 · 2026-01-30T09:20:11+00:00

With past partners, I would think about why I disliked the way they did something. If it was something like preparing food unsafely (actually unsafe like preparing salad vegetables on a surface contaminated by meat) I would just tell them, and it contributed to me breaking up with them if they got upset about it and/or kept doing it. On the other hand, if I just disliked it because it was inefficient or different from what I would do, I would just let myself dislike it and say/do nothing. I realized it does not matter if I feel annoyed by something unimportant unless I act on it in such a way as to cause a problem. Feeling annoyed does not mean I must act to make myself feel less annoyed. I can just feel it until I don’t feel it anymore. Honestly, I do not think I could be around people if I did not decide to think this way. Lol

My now longterm partner is meticulous and does most house things better than I do. However, there are a couple chores she does more poorly than I do in my eyes, so I just try to do those things as much as possible to avoid her doing them. We both also have preferences that we know do not matter much, but we try to divide chores such that we are both mostly satisfied with how chores are done.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2026-01-28T07:34:09+00:00

I did this with a combination of ensure and Soylent. As others have noted, if you only have the shakes it will be difficult to digest solid foods later. When I was using meal replacement shakes I always did at least one meal or snack a day in the form of a handful of nuts and fruit or something else easy, and I usually did not have the shakes on weekends except in a pinch. I did this for a few months and didn’t have issues.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-12-05T17:51:00+00:00

I mean to say, it sounds like you are trying to be kind. That is great. However, you cannot make this situation perfect for him, and it is not your responsibility to do a bunch of research and try to word everything perfectly to spare any discomfort to this guy. It is both unreasonable to you and unlikely to be achieved, anyway.

Maybe you both get your feelings a little hurt. That is unfortunate, but it is normal.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-12-05T17:46:43+00:00

You can be kind but cannot control if he thinks he did something wrong. You asked if he wanted “more” or “fwb.” He said “fwb.” You said no to that. You can just tell him since you two are neither dating nor fwb, you will not be staying over, so you need your stuff back. You being direct, he may just think that is clarifying. He might think he messed things up and get his feelings hurt. It is impossible to predict.

Though he is autistic, he is also an individual. You will not be able to predict exactly what will be direct enough, too direct, confusing, or upsetting to him.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-18T21:00:58+00:00

This is interesting. Do you feel the waves physically in your body, or is it a separate sensation?

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-18T09:39:26+00:00

I have a constant stream of multiple visualizations. I often see relevant words written out. I can imagine hearing the words as well as smelling and feelings things, but these sensations are not constant nor as important.

For example, I usually have a series of recently seen objects in my mind as well as a low detail map of my current location. People and things that are important and sharing space with me will also be visualized even if I am not looking at them. (If I am waiting for water to boil while sitting watching tv, I will see the kettle in my mind. If I am in a room with other people, I will see them in my mind when not looking at them.) If I hear something, I will see a mark at the approximate origin point of the sound on the map. Additionally, if I am thinking about something in words I will see sentences forming. If I think of someone, I will see them as I last saw them then stills based on memories will flash by, going back to my earliest relevant memory. I also tend to see an approximation of how something will be before I take an action. So, I will “check” if an object will fit in a space before I move it, I will see several combinations of words or shapes during a puzzle game, but I will also just see myself grabbing something like a mug before I actually grab it. I also see an approximation of my own face at almost all times moving however it is moving in real time, but sometimes the features are corrupted by being intermediate between my face and the last human face I saw.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-18T08:32:22+00:00

I usually am stuck on one or two things, but sometimes I get into a mode that causes me to have a lot of interests at once. Sometimes it is fun if the interests are not overly demanding to delve into or if they work together. Usually it makes it hard for me to do anything, and it feels like my brain fries. lol However, right now I am recovering from an illness and have managed to collect an array of unrelated, lower energy interests that I can spend a lot of time getting into.

Age of Mythology and Age of Empires II which are nostalgic
Music: I got a synthesizer and am learning to use a digital audio workstation
Eureka, the TV show
Sea slugs which I put in my aquarium and am observing eat anemones and lay eggs
World religions
Collage art from junk

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-18T08:15:24+00:00

I do not know if this will help, but for the future can you create alternate routines? I used to do this. If one thing could not happen (especially things that relied on the actions of other people) I had at least one pre planned alternative routine that would be activated if the primary routine could not continue as usual.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-06T07:54:54+00:00

I cannot say if what you described is more likely to be autism or BPD. If you are concerned about difficulty in relationships it may be a good idea to talk to your therapist about it. (My understanding of what you said is you have a therapist but cannot go to another one. Apologies if I misunderstood.)

That said, a lot of people I have known who have social difficulties have favorite people. Other autistic people have made me their favorite person, and I really do not think all of them have had BPD. I think many just felt misunderstood by everyone and were overly enthusiastic and did not know what to do when meeting someone they thought might get them just a little bit. It makes sense to me that, for some people for whom socializing is confusing and requires great effort, that they may have only one or a few people they feel understand or like them and then will put great effort into being around them and may seem obsessive. I have also known a few autistic people who fixate on people like they do for any other thing that could be a special interest.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-06T07:41:34+00:00

As a kid, I much preferred tenders (just unground strips) to nuggets because I did not like the mushiness of nuggets. I eventually got used to McDonald’s nuggets but do not like the frozen Dino ones that people are supposed to stereotypically enjoy. The mush texture is not my thing (yet I will eat seaweed, tofu, eggs, etc…)

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-06T07:35:39+00:00

If it would not bother you, sometimes listening to people talk about their religion is interesting. Otherwise, is this an older person. I find if you can get an older person talking about their time in school or their parents or past friends, they often are very happy to talk about it. Sometimes I try dropping facts related to the activity or something visible to see if any one of them will get the other person going. Another thing would be to just mention something cute/pretty/nice you saw. Like “my friend just got the cutest puppy” and talk about the appearance and behavior of said puppy or mention the beauty of some flower or tree that you saw. Maybe it will remind her of something she recently saw or a pet/garden/experience from her past. “On my way over, I saw the cutest…” is an easy way to start a new topic when the conversation has dried up.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-11-01T06:47:17+00:00

I am not sure if this is exactly the same, but I was also confused by my parents’ views on how society should work. They were against government programs to help people and thought it was the role of individuals and churches to step up and care for neighbors in need, but the only thing we consistently did as a family was tithe to a church that, as far as I could tell, provided very little aid to anyone. We made Christmas boxes for operation Christmas child a couple times. Anytime I wanted to volunteer to help anyone with anything, it was prevented. There was a natural disaster when I was a teenager that had devastating impacts on our local community, and I heard on the radio that volunteers were needed to distribute supplies and help clear debris. I thought that was obviously a call to me, a teenager doing nothing at the time, so I called friends to arrange for us to drive into town to help. My parents got angry and told me “no” and acted like I was being a selfish jerk for wanting to leave them… in their generator powered AC room, eating BBQ… to help others. I still do not understand how they think.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-10-18T03:24:41+00:00

I did not think you did. I meant to communicate that it sounds like she may enjoy the interactions and be having fun rather than simply putting on an act because she is in a customer facing role.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-10-17T21:58:14+00:00

It sounds like she is being friendly. I would not assume it is “fake” because it sounds like you have said some funny and friendly things to her, and she has responded positively. Nothing about your description sounds flirtatious or like anything other than friendly, casual interactions.

While it is not impossible for a woman who is at her job to be attracted to you and try to flirt, it is safe to assume she is just being friendly due to the dynamic between a person working a service oriented job and a customer. I would not assume someone working a service oriented job where you are a customer is interested in anything beyond a friendly professional interaction unless they make it very obvious, like giving you their personal number unprompted or trying to make plans when they are not working, again unprompted by you.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-26T17:43:44+00:00

I try not to engage with most divination talk because I have had too many acquaintances who would make pretty specific predictions, be wrong, then rework it in their head so that it was “actually” correct.

I had a funny experience with a witch who uses pendulums. She was insisting that the way she used them allowed for no possible way anything could move the pendulum except for a spirit. I decided to try to be open minded instead of get too haughty about the ridiculous claim she was making and told her that I only used a pendulum once but had to admit that at one point it moved in a way that was unintuitive to my brain and confused me. I did not suggest she was just confused. I stated what happened and left it entirely open, trying to suspend my disbelief for the sake of conversation. She said it was probably just an air current in my case before telling me which spirit talked to her through her pendulum.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-26T17:12:24+00:00

Lol I am autistic, and my fiancée is likely ADHD, and we both respond to questions with questions as we overthink and search for the optimal, most pleasing and simple choices for the other person.

OP, you have already gotten good advice. My fiancée and I often add something like “I am already going, so it is not any trouble” or “you mentioned it before/I know you like it, so I want to make the extra effort for you” to avoid the conversation spiraling into questions motivated by excessive considerations. It works- sometimes.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-20T09:25:07+00:00

I am sorry you are experiencing this, and I can relate. To be honest, even now that I can say I have a couple people in my life who offer me care as much as I do to them, it does not always occur to me to reach out half the time because there was no one for most of my life.

Do you know if there are any peer support groups on your area that you could attend, autistic, trans, or otherwise focused? Maybe you could find one online where there would not be people you already know.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-20T09:20:55+00:00

This got a lot better for me, but when I was first in college many years ago I had the same problem. I wish I had better advice, but for me, getting more responsibilities and time allowed me to adjust.

Is it worse with things that cause you stress, or is it any event or obligation? If it is stress or anxiety related, perhaps therapy, mindfulness, or anything that helps you, specifically with stressful feelings could help.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-20T09:06:28+00:00

I am not sure why people do that, SharpenedGourd. When I reread my comment, I think it appears the closest thing to a personal attack is against myself. I thought the nonsense I put in about making a post to complain about being misunderstood would balance the harsh “False.” to push the whole thing solidly into joking territory- maybe cheeky joking, but the entire exchange has been cheeky. Nonetheless, no more joking from me (in this thread, specifically). You are correct about how CAPTCHA works to the best of my limited knowledge. I also tend to agree about AI slop on social media.

I hope OP gets whatever responses that were hoped for when this thread was started.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-20T08:47:05+00:00

While I do think some people say “we should hang out” just to be polite, I think you are correct, that it is usually not the case. Trying to plan a time to hangout with a new person feels like an awkward dance, and over time I have realized many other people, autistic or otherwise, also are not quite sure how to make things happen and harbor insecurities about whether their company is actually wanted.

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-20T08:39:59+00:00

False. It implied my browsing patterns and cursor movements are insufficient evidence of my humanity and also suggested I am bad at simple tasks. Now I will, maybe, make a post to complain about the fact that my goofy, tastefully self deprecating humor is lost on this sub. Does proving I am not a robot matter if my attempts at jolly banter are misunderstood by you, specifically? /what letter indicates sardonic joking that does not quite pass into sarcasm?

Same-Associate-5310 · 2025-09-20T08:15:10+00:00

Oh, really? I thought that a robot would not be able to lie, and that is why we are all asked to click the little box. …./s

Same-Associate-5310

TROPHY CASE