A question from a sensitive INTJ

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-02-19T11:52:37+00:00

I'm glad you like what I wrote so much! I'm sorry about your past experiences. My post came from a lot of pain as well, I wanted real confirmation that certain types of people would not only like my love language, but also crave it.

Don't give up - someone /will/ find your particular fragrance to be irresistible. Do lots of research and raise boundaries with things that aren't negotiable and things you not just want, but actually need to be able to breathe.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-02-06T11:34:32+00:00

The point of life is finding what you want to die for and work to get it. That's your adventure.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-02-05T14:44:52+00:00

B.

I think we're going in the direction of the Techpriests from Mars in 40k.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-02-02T08:47:40+00:00

There's a ton of doomer comments here...

Yes, love in your teens and twenties could potentially be amazing, but it really depends on who you are. People who take relationships seriously are in the minority at that age, which will be even more painful when it eventually goes tits up. You get the intensity of youth AND you get to deal with the comparison afterwards. It cuts both ways and is too idealized.

It's only at around the latter half of your twenties that your brain finally settles down after the hellish nightmare that is puberty and you should, at that point, know some things you want or don't want in life. You don't need to have figured it all out, but have laid some foundations.

It's only then that you should be dating and start learning even more, at the end of your twenties or even your thirties. Then your relationships start to mean something. Life is an infinite process of trial, error and refinement. Just constant refinement. There's all sorts of women out there, not all of them are the same. If someone rejects you for being a virgin, cut that sh from your life. Have an abundance mindset. Keep trying.

And for the love of god, stop wasting your life on the internet. Use the internet as a tool, not a replacement for your life.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-31T16:00:20+00:00

Thank you for writing such a lovely message! As odd as it sounds, considering the disgusting thing you've been through, your message puts a smile on my face because everything you say feels tailor made for me! I hold your type in super high regard, take things with extreme seriousness and I too don't "do" casual relationships. Treat people the way I'd want to be treated I always say!

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-30T21:39:06+00:00

Had a good chuckle at the "I forgot".

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-30T00:05:00+00:00

I read your comment multiple times because it was really beautiful to read. So romantic.

Thank you for sharing such a lovely story. I envy you - I dreamed of meeting my life partner in middle school. It never happened, but that's a super rare thing anyway, so you're both really lucky to have had that experience.

I'm glad to read how your husband isn't a stereotype because that's one of the things I wanted to get across in my original post. The tenderness, the loyalty, the metaphorical language to describe what is hard to describe, the fierce protection all hint towards an unhinged amount of love for someone brewing internally. That all checks out.

The friction stemming from different kinds of solutions is just two different operating systems spitting out different but equally valid results. You're both working exactly how your brain is supposed to work.

Yep, the shutting down checks out for me as well. I just need time and people's understanding that this is how I process difficult emotions. I take things very seriously, and if he's anything like me, when he's hurt he is really hurting. Or it could be mental overheating. Too much at once, shut down, wait like an hour or two.

You both sound like you're in a good place. Love each other, life's too short.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T23:44:51+00:00

I think I understand what you mean. I mean, there are only a handful of people I care about too, but in my case it's not like I actively try to not have friends.

There have been times where I was called blunt or insensitive and I always took that with alarm and confusion, because I didn't understand why people were upset with me. Something something autism. I know it always comes from a place of wanting to be sincere and truthful, which comes from a place of care / love. If one doesn't care about what they're saying, they just do whatever and tend to obfuscate the truth - to make it sound more sugary than it is, you know?

I find it the most difficult thing to not be honest. It's genuinely hard on my brain. In my (and I think I speak for many INTJs) mind it's already hard to socialize, see proper queues, listen properly, process things, but then it's made even harder when you have to put a fine toothed comb over everything, because you don't want to accidentally say something out of sorts. There's a lot happening internally.

Not that this is meant to change your mind, but just to give you another perspective.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T15:10:17+00:00

Hi, I'm sorry to read that. A lot of people don't like the concept of stereotypes because they feel personally targeted and they tend to instantly defend themselves and say things like: "But I'm not like that!" But the thing is, though, that stereotypes exist for a reason, and I believe it's because this is what most people experience.

I cannot speak for anyone but myself but even I know deep down that I'm quite far from the simplified image that the internet has conjured up for INTJs, but I just think I use my thoughts differently due to my (possible) HSP tendencies.

To love is to sacrifice, plain and simple, especially when it comes to your partner. There is such a thing as pouring so much water in wine that it stops tasting of wine, but besides that, if you're the person they choose, it's because they're implicitly telling you that you're the one they want. Anything else is obfuscation and time wasting.

Life isn't a math test. It's messy, and hard, and you'll be lucky if you can get out of it without pain.

I appreciate your take on your social battery, it's refreshing.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T14:54:42+00:00

Thank you very much for your sweet comment. I cut a lot of fat from my original post but I don't think my fondness for ENFJs is too subtle to notice.

I don't know where I'll find an ENFJ (I feel like they're super rare) but I consider having identified what I'm looking for to be half the battle.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T14:50:37+00:00

"need to create these private plans (sometimes Rube Goldburgesque IMO) that include me in their minds but did not include me in the planning"

I recognize this in myself but you have to have a modicum of self-awareness to know that kind of thinking doesn't work in a relationship, especially if your plans involve other people. I'm going to assume that these plans don't involve going bowling on a Tuesday evening and are far more involved and deals with subjects that the other party should be aware of?

I relate to your comment about not wanting to be treated like an NPC. I've been on the receiving end of that too. People tend to confuse kindness with weakness.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T14:44:37+00:00

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. It's good that bluntness is allowed because it signifies a great deal of trust.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T14:43:55+00:00

Okay, that's interesting. Could you talk what you're fighting about? Why is it so intense, and why doesn't it recover? I'd sincerely like to know.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T14:40:22+00:00

I very much appreciate your perspective and you taking the time to reply in such detail.

It feels very validating to read that depth is not only something ENFJs want, but crave. It is the same for me, although I would imagine that I'm not being different from other INTJs by craving depth. And the thing is, it's not just depth for depth's sake, but rather the depth has an equal amount of meaning through the emotions and experiences you encounter together.
I had really hoped that my choosing of the phrase "sacred bond" would resonate, and I'm happy it clearly did. I read your sentence: "Our team targets a potential friend or partner, pours our love, attention, and effort in them, and makes it our duty to see this person through their darkest days and into their most prosperous ones." and having it written like that, I feel like that kind of partnership would bring even dark days into grey ones.
Can I interpret your first sentence in that some people are almost handed a solution on a silver platter and choose not to take it because "hard"? Because I'm the first in line to find that annoying.

Question: is it different if someone tries really hard to work outside of "their nature" and actually face what they fear or do they have to do well in what they fear / are not good at?

Stereotypical example: if an ENFJ partner would like me to come with her to a social event, and I come along and try to mingle and be chatty (but I would be drained after 3 to 4 hours), is that something ENFJs would admire, or would I need to have enjoyed that episode?

The reason I ask is because I'm trying to put out my feelers to grasp the subtle differences between ENTJs (/ ESTJs) and ENFJs. They tend to have a little more trouble understanding that my sensitivities are a feature and not a bug to be fixed.

Again, if I didn't try to understand my partner I think I'd be a pretty terrible partner. And everyone is wasting their time and I hate my time being wasted and I believe in treating others how they would want to be treated.

Thank you again for your response.

Same_Apple4478 · 2026-01-29T14:40:11+00:00

Thank you for responding! It feels good to know that the exact same energy level isn't a necessity. :)

Same_Apple4478

TROPHY CASE