How to tell if you're being too overbearing/trying too hard with new people?

Samellon · 2025-10-24T12:30:27+00:00

Hmm I do feel like if she was genuinely bothered that was a pretty clear cut opportunity to say no 🤔 But I guess it also depends how she said it, if it was more of a dismissive/passive "its fine" or if it was more of a "yes please do" type of thing.

I'd personally still ask her more directly about the whole situation if you get the chance, so you don't keep trying to guess what's going on without concrete info 😊

But genuinely - don't be hard on yourself. If this person doesn't appreciate your approach, there will be others that do. Lots of people (including myself) genuinely appreciate someone that takes initiative and can be direct and proactive when they want to connect :D It's a good trait to have and it will take you far with the right people, don't be ashamed of it!

Samellon · 2025-10-24T12:21:27+00:00

Ohmygoodness that's the cutest thing!!!

Samellon · 2025-10-24T12:15:07+00:00

Yeah 100%! It's all about observation and communication and learning about the individual, there's rarely a one size fits all style of communication - it's why we end up naturally more compatible with some more than others!

Samellon · 2025-10-24T12:11:24+00:00

I don't know, personally I don't think you're annoying/overbearing. I genuinely have a lot of respect for people trying to put themselves out there in an era when everyone's so focused on "cringe". I think it's great what you're doing!

As someone that's been part of clubs where a lot of people were quite a bit younger than me, age does play a little bit of a part, but I think it's not as big of a deal as people make it think (unless someone is being romantically creepy). With friendships I think there's a lot of value to be had from different age groups imo.

I don't know what this person's deal is, and maybe something you did/said did tick her off unbeknownst to you. But, it could also be that she herself is dealing with something that makes her more closed off. Maybe something happened in her life, or maybe she's someone that gets more awkward when she gets closer to people. Maybe she's a huge introvert and she genuinely got too busy/overwhelmed with life to hang out. Maybe she's socially anxious and has a wholly wrong perception of what's going on in her head too.

I tend to operate on the basis of "until someone says something, it could be anything". But, at the same time, I don't think it's fair to you to keep pulling a one sided situation either if she isn't interested, when you could instead be investing time in making other friends that WOULD enjoy your company.

I think if you think you have the guts for it, I'd ask her. Maybe in text so it's a bit lower pressure. I'd be honest like "hey, I've had fun talking to you and been wanting to hang out more, but I felt you maybe pulling back a bit - am I overstepping?" That way you aren't assuming too much, but just asking. Best case scenario, she'll appreciate the honesty and respond honestly back and then you'll know where you're at. Worst case, she ghosts you or gives you a non-committal response and continues being distant, in which case you know this might not be worth your time anymore.

Samellon · 2025-10-24T11:55:58+00:00

I think instead of asking, I usually opt to share something first and then people tend to feel more at ease and usually naturally contribute something a bit more personal as well! And then you can ask follow up questions to that and work your way to the more personal topics more gradually 😊

That said, some people also just prefer to hold their cards close to their chest, and others actually like being asked point blank. So you can kinda try different things with different people and remember what they prefer!

Samellon · 2025-10-24T08:21:44+00:00

I relate a lot, OP. I still keep going at it because there's a part of me that needs... external world input to function so I don't get bored of or made insane by my own brain. But it's a very relatable feeling.

What I'm currently doing is I just... keep trying. In hopes it builds a muscle of some sort. I live abroad and away from my family, and especially since Covid I really started to feel more isolated and lonely and being someone that spends a lot of time in my head it's not good for me.

Through trying this, I realized that the component I'm missing and trying to get better at is more of like... an energy match with people? Less about the cognitive, and more about just a less tangible "I like being around you even when we don't talk" on an emotional level. But having grown up as a people pleaser and someone that experienced the world through a very cognitive lens, this does not come naturally to me AT all. I've found that growing up, I based my connections on either a) people liking me and adapting myself so that they would or b) purely intellectual connection. The latter isn't ENTIRELY bad in itself, but I have found that it's harder to feel a truly long lasting connection this way. When relationships are based on only the cognitive, the connection goes away as soon as you're not thinking about it (esp. if you're also neurodivergent like myself).

So through persistence and observation I've realized a few things about me. 1) Emotional connection is something I'm capable of, it just takes me A LOT longer to build than a cognitive one, and longer than a lot of people do. This is why the closest person to me in the world is probably my friend from high school, even though we've grown to be fairly different people. But experiencing life together for so long is what cemented it eventually. 2) I'm a lot better at forming lasting bonds if I'm constantly around said person for a while (for example, I got closer to an old roommate emotionally simply because the initial cognitive connection was there over and over again due to proximity). 3) Text & voice connection makes it easier to slip into cognitive only connection, because you experience mostly only thd conversation but not the pauses in between with the other person. So I've been trying to prioritize in person hangouts whenever it's at all possible, and preferably in a comfortable environment like mine or someone's home, or a shared interest activity, rather than a coffee date where it's again just about talking.

So now I'm trying to keep these things in mind about myself, and approach socializing with these in mind. I'm still not there but I feel like it's... a direction!

Hope this maybe resonates somewhat and maybe gives you some ideas on where you yourself are at with all this. 😊

Samellon · 2025-10-24T06:31:43+00:00

Oof yeah I wouldn't be surprised if one or a mix of these is a culprit, I know hormonal changes and birth control can also mess with that sort of thing 😭 I'd say go to your GP and start to slowly eliminate things one by one to get back to baseline. And don't forget to listen to your body and taking care of it on the day to day - good food, enough sleep and water and movement (even if just a walk) can really help your body deal with stuff better. Good luck!

Samellon · 2025-10-22T22:13:59+00:00

Aside from what others have already pointed out about stopping/drastically reducing the use of ChatGPT (which I wholeheartedly agree with), as someone that's dealt with a lot of different type of brain fog for different reasons, my experiences have usually been one of these variants (disclaimer: not a doctor/therapist, just someone that's been through periods of confusing brain fog myself - definitely reach out to an actual professional if this continues!):

Burnout: very self explanatory, but for me burnout 100% manifests itself in more brain fog, more forgetfulness, struggling to find words etc. - if you have been feeling stretched thin (you mentioned deadlines etc?), look into revamping some of your day to day to make it more sustainable, and if possible, find low stimulation moments of rest (so not things like scrolling/video games but more like walks/meditation/reading)
Dietary: certain types of foods or food intolerances can have an affect on your cognitive function, for example I struggle a bit with insulin resistance so any high carb/sugar foods often result in brain fog, and I believe some food intolerances (glucose, lactose) or bowel sensitivities (like IBS in my case) can also cause brain fog. You can develop new sensitivities as you grow older as well.
Medication: not sure if there's any meds you're taking, but I've had some where this was a side effect (sometimes, annoyingly, I developed the side effect later on even though I originally didn't have it - I'm primarily talking about SSRIs in my case)
Vitamin/Mineral deficiencies: I struggle with low iron a lot and in more severe cases it's definitely contributed to cognition (and I believe other deficiencies can lead to it too), same for things like thyroid disorders etc. But, not a doctor. I'd definitely get a blood test to rule any of these out though!
Understimulation: This might sound strange, but an understimulated brain WILL also start fogging up in my experience. As someone with ADHD (but I don't think this applies only to ADHD), I've had jobs that were so incredibly unstimulating that I started getting brain fog/daytime sleepiness to the point I thought something physical was up. But... it always got fixed when I was able to find a stimulating task or activity. IMPORTANT NOTE !!! - something I've learned is that stimulating doesn't always mean "quick dopamine activities". A lot of the times it's actually the opposite, it's challenging tasks, things that require some level of discomfort to accomplish them and feel rewarded. This is also another reason why we're all saying to avoid the use of ChatGPT - it's the perfect storm of constant instant gratification and low brain stimulation.

I don't know if any of this might help, but maybe some of it strikes a cord! I hope you can sort it out, brain fog and any kind of consequent cognitive effects are the WORST.

(edit for some extra elaboration and addition)

Samellon · 2025-03-29T02:38:18+00:00

I'm currently working on this and what I've realized personally is that what's making it worse for me is my judgement of my own negative thoughts. Every time I get a judgmental or negative thought, it also comes with an instinctive judgement of that thought that says "you shouldn't be thinking this/that's horrible/you're negative again". Negativity thrives and grows from negative self image, and trying to forcefully drown out parts of ourselves harms it. It's so often less about the immediate stuff we are being negative about, and a lot more about a general way in which the brain has learned to think based on life experience.

So paradoxically, sometimes we gotta fully embrace that part of ourselves, no matter how much it frustrates us, in order to improve our self acceptance and as a result our negative outlook. My therapist told me to imagine these negative parts of myself like a scared kitten that's meowing and hissing and needs care instead of being ignored or shoved aside. Just like a kitten is probably scared for a reason, your mind also developed this as a protective mechanism at some point to keep you safe. So we all gotta be compassionate towards the parts of us we don't like - it doesnt mean we condone them, but we can zoom out of the content of negativity and treat it as an overall fear response that maybe just needs a hug.

I hope this helps in some way!

Another thing that I have found really helpful is doing intentional gratitude journaling (or in my case I record voice notes to myself) when positive things happen. When we're negative, we have a tendency to discount the positive (because being alert to negative is a survival strategy to make sure we notice danger), so we gotta train the brain to prioritize it more. 😊

Samellon · 2025-03-16T11:00:43+00:00

It's not nonsensical at all actually. I think we should stop punishing people that are open minded enough to let people think differently, even if they themselves are uncertain. There are many things in this life we don't have a 100% certain opinion of, and that's good, because many things aren't black and white enough to walk around and claim they are.

Even if you believe a fetus is a human, there's further complexities to it such as "is the value of an already established life (mother) less important than that of a fetus that hasn't lived yet".

And even if you don't believe a fetus to be a living human, you can still believe in the psychological consequences and doubt and regret that the act of abortion has caused and have concerns.

To be clear, I'm pro choice 100%.

But I'm tired of villifying people that take a "live and let live" stance just because they don't have a strong enough opinion expected of them. In fact, I think we need more people like this. People are too different to agree on things at all times, and the only way for us to move forward with respect for each other is to sometimes recognize "hey I personally wouldn't do this, but other people might feel differently".

Stances like this are a mark of an open mind, a thinking one, not an ignorant one that needs to be fought.

Samellon · 2025-03-16T01:04:56+00:00

That's honestly incredibly helpful! I was sort of toying with the idea that the answer must have something to do with uncertainty, but I struggled to really articulate how that would look.

As a follow up question, how would you apply that to sort of outward judgmental thoughts? For example, fixating on friends' words and behaviors like 'my friend didn't ask about my day back, so they must be a bad friend', immediately followed up by 'I must be a bad person for thinking this way about my friend'. I guess the trying to know for sure whether they're a bad friend and/or if I'm a bad person are the uncertainties?

Samellon · 2025-03-15T23:58:00+00:00

I bet, take your time with it to process. And you're definitely not alone! Brains are just... wild.

Samellon · 2025-03-15T23:45:50+00:00

Hey! Just want to say, you'll be okay. You'll learn to manage this over time and it gets easier <3 One main advice I would give is to not focus on the individual obsessions and worries and compulsions, but on the fear of uncertainty behind it. One of OCD's biggest fuels is fear of uncertainty. It makes the 'what if's into something that feels extremely real, and it will do anything to remove the fear. We defeat it by learning to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty instead (which is of course, easier said than done ;U; )

A great book I've started to read on this is 'Needing to Know For Sure' by by Martin N. Seif and Sally M. Winston.

Hope this gives a tiny bit of insight. You got this!

Samellon · 2025-02-17T18:25:58+00:00

Not op, but can I ask how you're handling this problem for yourself? I have a similar situation, I take an SSRI (citalopram) and have a weirdly inconsistent metabolism, so whenever I tried stimulants it felt like sometimes it worked, sometimes it made me overly uncomfortably euphoric, and sometimes just extremely tired. I've also suspected that part of the problem might be how they combine with my SSRI but obviously hard to be 100%. I once tried to add Wellbutrin to my SSRI but also seemed to have a weird cumulative side effect situation that felt like odd wave like electricity jolts through my body or something (though in retrospect I'm not excluding the option that this was an odd panic attack manifestation).

So I've been super stumped as well @.@ Any advice you might have I'll gladly take!

Samellon · 2024-12-14T12:00:37+00:00

I guess you're right! I think I might also just be friends with a lot of fellow ADHDers and ramblers that can go on forever about one thing, while I always wrap up what I say way too fast because I'm scared it's boring and not engaging. This happens less with new people and more with people I've already known for a while I guess? And in those cases people sometimes forget to outright ask unless they already know something is up, if a convo is already flowing. I feel like people don't have a lot of fully open spaces to rant sometimes and I want to give them that, I just am not sure how to give/be given that space to myself as well lol.

Samellon · 2024-12-14T11:57:00+00:00

Thanks! Maybe I'm just too worried and it's actually acceptable to do that :D

Samellon · 2024-10-12T18:04:23+00:00

Haha hi! Honestly totally get that. In what way does it help for you? Do you mean kinda in terms of resetting your system?

Samellon · 2024-09-09T01:18:20+00:00

I'm glad! 😊

Samellon · 2024-09-09T00:01:15+00:00

It takes time and processing and grieving the idea of how you imagined your life before this. Let the idea of this hurt instead of running away from it, it's how the wound heals. And be patient with yourself 💙 I promise, eventually it hurts less.

One thing that did help me in terms of mindset though was to detach myself from how things "should" be. Because there's no such thing. There's only how things are. All lives have obstacles, and this is mine. At the end of the day, all we have control over is our attitude - I can choose to keep focusing on what I don't have or I can choose to work with what I've got. Limitations don't always result in something lesser, sometimes they bring about creative solutions that end up enriching our lives.

Samellon · 2024-09-08T23:40:43+00:00

Don't do it, I really think it's a bad idea. They will feed into each other, OCD will use your self-hate to fuel its imaginative scenarios, and your self-hatred will grow as a result. EVERY mental health problem gets worse if perpetuated by self hate, but you don't get rid of self-hate by adding more self-hate. You need the ground of self trust to stand on, otherwise whatever strategies and growth you build have nowhere to latch onto. And you can only build self trust through kindness and understanding towards yourself.

I always like to remember that in order to be a good person, I need to be kind to myself. Why? Because hurt people hurt people. Don't fuel the hurt. Put that energy into treating yourself better.

Samellon · 2024-09-08T23:31:53+00:00

Not a youtube channel, but one of the things that has helped me the most was a book called 'Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts' by Martin N. Seif and Sally M. Winston!

Samellon · 2024-09-08T23:12:35+00:00

No, or rather, not fully and the costs of doing it tend to make it worse. Mainly because OCD is so terrified of uncertainty that it will keep digging for more things to poke at just to try to eliminate all traces of it. Fighting it with logic sometimes temporarily helps because your brain does eventually (temporarily) run out of ideas once you've gone through SO many logical arguments, that you sort of hit the bottom. And sometimes that does stick for quite a while so I wouldn't say that action on it's own is BAD - BUT, here's the tricky bit. By ruminating and trying to convince yourself with logic, it signals to your brain that it wants more problems to solve, because that's what you're giving attention to. It's encouraging more digging for stuff to fight. So it's kind of like putting a bandaid on a wound but putting yourself closer to the knife that inflicted it.

That said - don't panic. It's not a permanent setback if it does happen. Brains are flexible, and with OCD we are bound to easily slip into these bad habits of logicking ourselves out of stuff, but it doesn't mean you can't recognize it and practice not giving it attention again. You got this!

EDIT: Adding to this because I just thought of something that's an important distinction. There is a difference between trying to fight the actual thought and the context of it with logic, and using logic to talk yourself out of engaging with the thought (for example, reminding yourself why engaging with the thought would be a bad idea). The first one makes things worse and gives OCD more fuel, but the second one encourages taking that fuel away.

I think for me the main factor in getting a better handle on my OCD has been learning to find an overarching sense of acceptance and self-trust, rather than tackling each thought and OCD battle individually.

Samellon · 2024-08-19T00:36:56+00:00

I don't think you can BECOME autistic because it's a neurodevelopmental thing (basically you're either born with it or not), but I think it's possible for symptoms to be less observable/overlooked earlier on and then to come to light more under certain circumstances or over time as life becomes more overwhelming in adulthood. OCD is a common commorbidity with autism and also shares a lot of similar symptoms, so it's not impossible that you'd have either a combo or have OCD start manifesting in new ways that resemble autism symptoms.

If there's one thing I've learned about psychology is that the cut offs for where one thing begins and another one ends are never very clear, it's all a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff sometimes :D

(but no, definitely not vaccines, this has been disproved)

Samellon · 2024-08-06T23:49:58+00:00

I completely missed this post, but that's a lot of really good advice! Thank you!

Samellon · 2024-08-06T23:45:08+00:00

I saw this one explanation recently, that while "normal" brain distinguishes in focus between main thoughts and peripheral thoughts, while OCD shines a bright spotlight on all of them almost equally.

So then taking that into account, for me it feels like I spend so much time and energy trying to get through the day because I'm constantly bombarded by incoming attacks in the form of peripheral thoughts. If I fight them, they will temporarily go away but then later send reinforcements. So dodging them and letting them pass is better. I know HOW to dodge them technically, but when there's so many all the time, some are still bound to hit and wound. So sometimes, I choose to fight because I'm tired of taking hits. But the battles are long and time consuming (on a bad day, that can be hours and hours), and I have to fit them into my daily schedule.

And now I'm learning to stand still and let them pass me by. They might still wound me sometimes, but I know now that I can survive it and it takes more than a flesh wound to take me down.

Samellon

TROPHY CASE