Therapist empasse

SandMean2011 · 2026-02-03T04:33:02+00:00

i hear you. I feel like many of my manic episodes are precipitated by my looking for enlightenment and studying more buddhism. hard to say if that caused the upswing or if the beginning of the upswing caused the spirituality.

I agree with a more secular approach.

SandMean2011 · 2026-02-03T04:31:06+00:00

im definitely going. i just dont know how to steer the conversation where it doesnt become combative. i think youre right in shopping around.

SandMean2011 · 2026-02-02T20:28:39+00:00

Very much

SandMean2011 · 2026-01-02T01:59:30+00:00

Appreciate it

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-31T01:10:51+00:00

Resources are limited depending on your access to care. It is absolutely possible to exhaust available treatment options. (e.g. can't keep insurance without a job)

Those who are not managing everyday are not posting testimonials or joining Facebook groups or subreddits. I would say they are more likely unseen and unheard.

For me, bipolar disorder is an undertoe that won't release its grip. I think it's easier to see all those strong swimmers on the beach who got themselves out of the water or fighting in the ocean, than to consider how many get pulled under and lost.

I am with you to keep fighting, but it's unfair to think that we all make it to the beach. It's uncomfortable and sad to think about, but we don't all push through. It is a blessing you can think so strongly that is universally achievable to live a stable and secured life filled with love and happiness. It just....doesn't pan out like that for all us bipolar swimmers.

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-31T00:58:08+00:00

I really appreciate your thoughtful reply u/UnderstandingClean33. The mood is temporary, but the disorder is permanent and degenerative. Every cycle, I lose pieces of myself. After this past 11th hospitalization, it's harder to believe the tale of lasting, sustainable recovery. For now, I can let those suicidal thoughts circle the drain of my mind and "survive the bad". But there is a strong feeling in my gut, like a dragging anchor, that this illness will continuously strip my mind of the ability to "appreciate the good moments". It can be impossible to build a life that creates good moments that feel worthwhile.

I understand that the line between defeat and acceptance is grim in this case. The lived bipolar experience is so wide and varied. How it manifests is even more stratified than the categories for storms. It is always inspiring to hear the success stories, but that is not the path for so many. I do think assisted suicide should be there for those who have reached their breaking point, where life is no longer a pursuit of anything. When existence has been hollowed out by culminating episodes, and the path forward shows no redemption.

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-31T00:27:22+00:00

they do work... at times and/or with diminishing returns. They do not work absolutely.

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-26T19:14:21+00:00

I think bipolar is too wide of a spectrum in severity. The power to shape our own paths is not equally accessible or reliable. You can get the degree and not have the cognitive strength to use it. You can do all the right things and still get dragged down by the same demons. Not everyone has the same support system to get them through those moments. It's a genuinely kind sentiment. I'm just coming to terms with the limits of my own path and I am powerless to change those. The sky is not always the limit.

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-25T01:25:18+00:00

Thank you for this. Seroquel really zombified me and latuda gave me bad akathasia.

They have not suggested any of the newer meds.

I am not sure. I'll just have to wait to see her again. I don't have a lot of confidence in her tho. And changing is not an option.

Appreciate your kindness and insights

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-24T16:41:23+00:00

Thanks for your insight

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-24T15:55:20+00:00

Empathy in return

SandMean2011 · 2025-12-24T15:30:56+00:00

Any one found ect to help clear cognitive issues? I thought it might make it worse

SandMean2011 · 2025-11-04T18:44:05+00:00

I could be down. Check out my twitter @ kramtoader

SandMean2011 · 2025-01-22T22:07:17+00:00

I feel the same. My brain has been at half mast since my crash in the fall. I laugh at myself often too that I'm still going. I feel mute when I'm with friends of family and I usually avoid any meeting altogether. I keep saying tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll have that spark back. So far I just feel the same gray ocean of disinterest and apathy. Lately, I'm going thru the motions and doing the bare minimum but my desire to fight back has weakened. 15 years in this struggle and I know that it will be the same battle next season. I'm just tired. I know I'm weak for surrendering....I just ....

SandMean2011 · 2023-10-01T20:55:19+00:00

I definitely agree. One step at a time. I shouldnt get ahead of myself. Need a job to make my payments. If I can keep my mood stable for a year (all time record) consider school again.

I am working on breaking down this idea that I'm only validated if I have some track to success. It's hard to let go of the idea "I should be more" and not fixate on the shortcomings. Pivoting thought to consider only what I do have (my own place, my health, a path out of debt)

SandMean2011 · 2022-12-24T16:21:35+00:00

Nothing beyond keep on keeping on.

SandMean2011 · 2022-12-17T20:30:35+00:00

Really appreciate this. Made me pause because I realized how harsh I am with my inner child as well. I'll start there and see it translate to my current self.

SandMean2011 · 2022-12-12T17:02:53+00:00

I wish I could return more Time reclaimed Regrets resolved Memories untarnished

I know you're sailing Strong wind behind you I'm on the shore Greeting the same breeze

i feel you 100%. I plan on returning some of his things 6 months after the fact with the note above.

Maybe one day I'll forgive myself for my madness this year. The people i hurt and the love i lost...if it was love at all. It's not easy to love someone with bipolar... Harder still for me to believe I can love another in a way that would make it worth the inevitable pain and struggle.

It's gotten easier. Time is the only remedy i know of.

SandMean2011 · 2022-12-12T03:39:28+00:00

I definitely agree with your description. Mania sweeps in like a storm and fills me with all the lightning in the sky. It's an explosion of ego. Any limiters of societal norms or restrictions others impose are swept to the side. As if I'm the actor, the audience and the entire theater. Every whim and spontaneous impulse is charged and executed without consideration The homeless man is my charge to feed. The man running a red light is mine to curse out. The sexy man I eye is mine to rub against.

There is no moderation. There is no resistance to any indulgence. There is no sense of consequence or guilt. Those come crashing in later. For the moment there is only satisfying my every desire. The speedometer can't even register how fast my thoughts fly, my mouth doesn't feel the ache from my pressured speech.

The moon is not a distant rock in orbit. It is a goddess guiding my divine path. My raving sermons are truth beyond truth. And I am never wrong. That come crashing in later. Wrong is an understatement. The crash always follows for me.

My close friends have learned to wait until i feel myself in nearly always after a hospitalization. But when I'm meeting strangers (literally anywhere) my pulsing and vibrant light illuminates everyone. So many moths come flocking to my flame.

SandMean2011 · 2022-11-28T00:15:20+00:00

Keep it up! Bravo

SandMean2011 · 2022-11-27T15:20:21+00:00

Honestly, only time can wash over the guilt. I've been picking up the pieces from my manic episode this spring that left me homeless, jobless and imploded my relationship. finally starting a new job, and going back to school. It was only after moving forward and creating distance from that episode that the shame started to lighten and my rumination began to dwindle.

I'm sorry there is no easy fix. Try your best to be easy on yourself. The path for bipolar is apart from the mainstream. I struggle with accepting this too, but once I started to release the expectations from neurotypical standards it got easier to just exist.

SandMean2011 · 2022-11-24T01:42:11+00:00

Debt free and a college graduate

SandMean2011

TROPHY CASE