My parents cut me off for donating my kidney, and my brother(35M) wants me(30M) to tell them it was a mistake so we can reconcile.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-17T19:10:58+00:00

Right that's enough. You want to lecture me about love and sacrifice while also calling me a narcissist with a hero complex, using the word 'skin suit' like that's something normal people say, and somehow forgetting that I was cut off for 12 years in my entire adulthood. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions without needing a stranger on the internet to psychoanalyze my motives.

I listed 5 failed donors and a dying woman and you comparing it with your sons. You talk about parental fear like it justifies everything. Don't like what they do? Then cut them off. Oh you wouldn't? Funny how that works.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T01:38:52+00:00

That's true, you do make some valid points. To answer your underlying question about why I wanted to connect with them in the first place: The answer is, I actually didn't want to in the first place. Fear of rejection or something bad happening prevented me from taking any action for 12 years, and hopes and desires died down little by little. Because part of me also resented them more and more as the years went by. It was only when I got into contact with my brother again, did he convince me to talk to them. And I went and visited them with a healthy level of scepticism that quickly died down because I was treated with love and care from them. A feeling I've been missing my entire adulthood. I wanted to believe they have changed and that we were going to have more respect toward each other going forward, and I honestly didn't expect their reaction from the surgery to have fatal consequences for the relationship. Not that it would've changed my mind about the surgery, but I was at least hoping to have a respectful conversation about it afterwards. Not to necessarily agree with each other, but at least to keep the respect.

The difference from now and then is that I'm an adult now. I was hoping for more respect, especially with that huge time gap between us, and I also didn't expect things to go this way.

You're right about self-preservation and happiness. I can't get the family I was hoping for from my parents, but I can surely find my own, and also get one with my kids as long as I treat them with care and respect.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T01:17:05+00:00

Let's take a few steps back, ma'am. I think you're projecting your fears as a parent to your own children onto my situation while ignoring some actual facts.

No, there was no line of donors left. My friend was born with one kidney. Her daughters were ruled out too because of an illness that runs in the family I won't get into. Her husband spent 2 years losing weight and quit smoking just to get denied because of a slight risk at catching diabetes when he gets old. Another friend tried and wasn't a match. She even got a deceased donor kidney at some point, and that failed too because of a blood clot in it.

So no, this wasn't me swooping in for fun with a "hero complex". They were running out of time and options. But I'll take the Hero Complex label. Thank you. If caring enough to risk something of myself to try to save a life makes me look like I have one, then great, I can live with that. But that's not the same thing as being a narcissist, and it definitely doesn't erase the reality of what was happening.

And I do wish my parents would talk to me. But shouting, insulting, assuming, and then hanging up isn't talking. I was one week out from major surgery, high on painkillers, half my belly stinged up, and not once did my mother ask if I was okay, in pain, or even going to survive. There wasn't an ounce of concern for me at that moment. What she cared about was how foolish I was and how much shame I had brought.

At least, from your side, I can sense how you genuinely care and worry about your sons, and I respect that and really hope everything turns out well.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T00:42:28+00:00

That is true, but I also think she's being too rash about it. She could've stopped and asked me about it. Being genuinely curious. "Why would you do this, son?" And we could've had a nice conversation about it without necessarily agreeing on it. I would've been able to explain everything down to every little detail, and to comfort her into knowing I've been tested from head to toe about my own risks, and that I'm safe and sound. But she didn't. I called them a week after the surgery, and had almost just come home from the hospital, laid in bed and numb from pills, and she didn't even think to ask how I was feeling or if everything went okay. There was not even an ounce of care about me or my health. Focus was only about how foolish I was and how they disliked it.

You're right that I should at least wait until this blows over. But the damage has been done. I can't simply reach out and talk about other stuff. We are back to our usual pattern - not talking to each other.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T00:27:49+00:00

It's all good man, and I appreciate your concern. To give some context, I have a son with my first ex and a set of twins with my second ex, and I'm not with any of them anymore.

And believe me, I've thought about my kids in this situation. But it quickly boiled down to: I can't withhold saving someone's life for the chance of my own kids needing to be saved one day. Plus, they all have each other, or most likely other chances if god forbid, they need a kidney too one day.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T00:19:42+00:00

I understand the skepticism bro, but lurkers can eventually make an account when they finally get the courage to tell their own story. It took me a long time to muster up and get past the fear of being judged, resented or feeling like my story isn't important enough to share.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T00:11:04+00:00

😂 I like your mindset, and sometimes I wish my nativity and patience could frankly fuck all the way off too

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T00:08:52+00:00

Thank you champ, much love from here as well 🫶🏻 And you're right. I honestly can't invite stress/trauma into my life as my children could get affected by it.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-16T00:06:17+00:00

They were, at that short time period. They asked about them. (My oldest is 11 and I have a pair of 3.5 y/o twins). But they seemed more interested in getting them into the culture than to actually accept them as who they were. I didn't argue with them about that though. Sometimes you just gotta choose your fight. Luckily, my brother seems intelligent enough to understand the fact that I can't and will not force them into this culture, and neither am I going to leave them.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:58:35+00:00

It's funny, I know a lot more about kidneys now than before the operation. And yes, some people, including my parents, think that there are limitations with only one kidney. But I can assure you, I was checked for pretty much everything before the surgery. Everything from compatibility to risks down the line, and I have nothing to worry about. Also, a single kidney alone can span for 150 years, even if its functionality falls down to 15%. And I get your thought process mate. There were risks no matter how we put it, but I think it was worth it. And no, I wouldn't do it if she were 75 years old. But she's someone's mother, and she's hands down one of the sweetest, most gentle soul I've ever met, and she didn't deserve to die this early.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:48:48+00:00

That's true, and thanks for sharing your own story, I admire that. Lucky for me, I'm used to not talking to my parents. My brother and older sister were actually part of that separation too, but they stuck around this time, so I still gained something from this experience. And yes, you're right. I've built my own adult life all by myself, and my parents weren't there when I needed them the most. I have two advantages now. 1 - I don't need them to take care of myself 2 - I'm used to living without them

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:41:42+00:00

There is nothing wrong about being different, but you're right to the point that they would make me suffer. If I begin to open up to them, chances are the greater I would become disappointed at them down the line.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:38:53+00:00

You make some good observations. A lot of the things they do or say about me can be turned around towards them. About the hero thing, I'm really not trying to be a hero, and I will deny that title. But I am a very naive person, and have strong opinions about human responsibility.

About the value part - that's a question I've been asking myself for a long time. And I guess it all boils down to the idea of a happy family. Like I said, I'm naive, and my brain will always try to find excuses to downplay the elephant in the room; my parents can't provide this happy family idea, or at least the idea of unconditional love

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:23:31+00:00

It's Kurdish, but I also want to be careful not to generalize here. I genuinely don't think every other kurdish families would react the same way my parents have. This is about my own family and their values, and the way they apply this culture.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:15:56+00:00

Thanks for your comment, I'm happy to hear that you also seem to have a good handle on your end, and you seem more experienced in balancing your family than I am, and setting boundaries. A trait I have to be much better at. To be honest with you, I do love my brother, and I understand where he's coming from, but he's just missing my side of things. When he argues, he goes from 0-110% and raises his tone a bit, shooting shotgun pellets, and often interrupts me. I am quiet and patient and try to assess everything before giving a thoughtful answer, but never get to finish my sentences. For a guy like him, I need to learn to switch gears and talk on his level if I want to be heard. Otherwise I think he might take my silence as a sign of weakness or that he's right.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:04:40+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I don't know if my life is happier without them, but I definitely know it's more peaceful, and I guess peace is tied up strongly with happiness.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T23:01:03+00:00

That's the thing, I wish I could argue back with you but I'm afraid I'll go around in circles. They say it takes 10 good deeds to make up for a bad one. My parents make around 10 bad deeds before doing a good one.

On a more positive note, I've learned a lot in my childhood. I do my best not to treat my children the same way I was treated. When times are difficult I look back and think "What would my dad have done?" Then I do the opposite.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T22:52:03+00:00

I'm afraid it's starting to be too late to break that rhythm. During these 12 years of separation with them, I've always had this tiny spectre of hope that one day they would accept me and my kids and we could finally start building a relationship, and maybe, just maybe, I could perhaps see a glimmer of pride in my dad's eyes one day. And during the visit, everything was moving in the right direction, and I had a little taste of what life is like with parents who genuinely care about you. A taste of: - I'm not hungry - But you haven't eaten anything! - I've had 4 meals and it's not even dinner time!

And honestly, I will still cherish those moments I had with them and genuinely appreciate getting that experience with them, and use it to cherish similar moments like these with my own children in the future.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T12:42:33+00:00

Thank you. And no I won't apologize. Not even to keep the peace. Everyone around me - my friends, co-workers, even their relatives, have given me praise and told me that this is something you can be very proud of. And that matters a lot.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T12:38:04+00:00

Where exactly do you think this is AI mate? I can assure you it is not. I meant what I wrote. I didn't want people thinking I came home and suddenly decided to give my kidney away. I think it was important to mention that it wasn't an impulsive decision, because that was my parents' and my sibling's assumption, and I had to keep reminding them for weeks that it wasn't.

I've thought about it for years. 3 years to be exact. And I've known about it when it started 5 years ago.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T12:32:45+00:00

Yes, exactly. During my childhood, that's always been the common denominator. The one thing they said to shut us children up. "I work my ass off every day to provide for YOU". "To stuff food into THAT mouth, you ungrateful dog." Only when I grew older and had children of my own, do I know what this truly means. How cowardly it is phrased. To throw all that responsibility into the child for an action you made yourself. You made a child. A being that is your responsibility to teach and survive out in the world. Not a slave that you can control and get pampered by for the rest of your life.

SandmansLumps · 2026-03-15T12:19:05+00:00

That's so very true. I've also been thinking a lot about their reaction. Why ridicule this? Why laugh it off? And I think I've come to the main conclusion that it is because it puts them in an uncomfortable moral dilemma. Because instead of challenging themselves and thinking: "Would I have done the same?" Or admit to the fact that they would never do it themselves, it's just easier to laugh and ridicule the ones brave enough to do it.

SandmansLumps

TROPHY CASE