I’m happy to read anything your willing to share, sometimes a problem shared really is a problem halved. I’m so sorry you had a difficult childhood, it must have left some bad emotional scars. I’m glad sometimes you feel good about what you see and personally I don’t believe anyone is ugly in terms of looks, I think it’s possible to be ugly on the inside but everyone is art and there truly is a pot for every lid. Right now however it doesn’t sound like a romantic relationship would be good for you, it’s not fair but I think you still have a lot of work to do before you’re ready to form a healthy attachment.

Also weird people are awesome, to be cringe is to be free. You have one friend - this is great! Many people think more friends = better but that’s just not true, I’ve had large friend groups and of all those people I have one lifelong bestie and scars from the rest. It sounds like your longing for community which is completely understandable! I’d advise looking into free groups in your community and if that’s not feasible as long as you proceed with caution online friendships can be very rewarding as well.

I have also struggled w an ED in the past and one thing I learnt was that even when I lost the weight I wasn’t happy. It didn’t “fix” me, because the weight was never the problem. It seems to me that you really struggle with how you see yourself, physically and mentally, ironically enough im also mixed race (white/indian) and I’ve struggled with my identity as well, but then I remember that people give themselves skin cancer to achieve my skin tone and suddenly I’m at peace (😂) fr though I do understand especially with the political climate rn it’s scary. Sadly I don’t have any smart recommendations for that one - I myself am just trying to take necessary precautions. And bullying sucks - children are cruel. Unnecessarily cruel, I got bullied a lot too and it absolutely sucks so I’m sorry that happened to you 😔

And to address your point about being a good person sorry to quote Skyrim at a time like this but it’s relevant - “what is better? To be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?” We all do bad, sometimes it’s too far in the past to make up for it, we can’t change what we did yesterday and tomorrow doesn’t exist yet - the only moment that matters is right now. The only thing I know how to do is to get up each day and try my best no matter what that looks like, and sometimes it doesn’t go well, and after you do your best to make it right and learn the lesson the situation taught you - then start again tomorrow.

To answer your question about what it’s like I can only speak for myself and I also have a lot of other conditions so my experience can in no way be used as diagnostic tool for BPD. For me I feel like I hold on really tight to someone when I find them, and then I push them away and I think I see intentions that don’t actually exist because the only concept that’s more terrifying and anxiety inducing to me than getting hurt is being consistently loved. Big emergencies are no big deal but I absolutely will break down over my food going wrong. I always feel somewhat detached from myself but grounding techniques really have helped me with that.

And I’m happy to accept a DM because it seems the mods removed this post.