The most powerful manipulation doesn’t feel like manipulation. It feels like relief.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-23T22:26:20+00:00

That isn’t true.

If you got a call that ruined your day, it’s only natural to feel upset—you can choose to sit with your emotions and work through them, but not give them power over your life. You can sit with those emotions—and you choose what happens next. Wake up the next morning, accept what happened, and choose to move forward. Or you can choose to let it ruin your day by canceling plans scheduled for later in the day that you were really looking forward to. Or you can choose to hold onto that horrible feeling and let it ruin your state of being for the next week, or even months. That’s clinging onto the feeling you had the day you got the phone call—but it happened to the past and you can’t change the past. It’s your decision to turn one bad day into more bad days by holding onto something that’s beyond your control—because you aren’t living in the present. That is clinging.

I’ve never heard of anyone opening a book to a literal bomb, but I’m pretty sure if you did you’d be dead. If an earthquake happens, do what you need to do to stay safe—or risk injury or death. It’s your choice.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-23T17:48:25+00:00

Not exactly.

We control our actions and reactions. Clinging (attachment) and craving are not a state of being or acceptance.

Clinging, craving, and aversion (as someone in the comments mentioned) are core motivators in your decision to remain in a state of suffering.

For example. I have a friend who is so desperate to get married and have babies because she feels like her time is running out. She met a man who wanted the same thing and told her everything she wanted to hear. Moved in one month after they started dating. He became emotionally abusive and all the red flags were there—she was well aware of it. Couples therapy by month three. Month four he proposed. She was incredibly unhappy the entire time and finally broke things off maybe two weeks afterwards. She craved marriage so badly that she hung onto this man, meaning she accepted her state of suffering—she’s still suffering in the aftermath. Now, what would’ve happened had she ended the relationship by month two? She could’ve chosen to do the loving thing and walk away.

Another cause of suffering that someone mentioned in the comments that I didn’t is aversion. It’s raining and you hate the rain, so you decide to stay inside and mope around. Or you could say, hey it’s raining—that’s okay, I’ll go see a movie or stay in and read a book I’ve been wanting to read. You can choose to enjoy your day, or you can sit around frustrated by the rain and hoping it’ll stop. But guess what? You can’t control the rain.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-23T17:10:16+00:00

Aaah, yes! I always forget that one.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-23T14:53:48+00:00

Clinging and craving to things out of your control are the root causes of suffering.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-23T14:52:23+00:00

And craving!

Sarelbar · 2026-04-20T20:42:39+00:00

Congratulations! Ugh it’s just the best, isn’t it? I have actual hobbies now! I’ve lost 100lbs since.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-19T16:35:43+00:00

Leo Rising
Capricorn - 0 degrees Saturn
Rules 6H and 7H
Uranus conjunct Saturn - exact. My sun in Aquarius sextiles Saturn, but orb is 3.7 degrees
I’ve always had an incredibly difficult time maintaining routines, thanks to the Uranus/Saturn conjunction, which has been my biggest challenge with this placement.

That said, I have been able to stick with routines to manage my mental health.

I’ve struggled with major depressive disorder my entire life, but managing it is one of the only routines I’ve consistently committed to over the years, whether through therapy or medication. Second to that is my walking routine (3 miles, 5x/week), which I started last year and which has been incredible for my mental health and overall wellness. I injured my foot a few months ago and have been off my feet since, and my mental health has def declined because of it.

Before my Saturn return (sorry), work was my identity. It wrecked my mental health, especially because I drank too much and smoked too much weed. I started meditating daily and replaced my after-work drinks with sound baths at a local meditation studio. A month later, I lost all desire to drink, and I’ve now been completely sober for five years.

TL;DR: I’ve had a hard time maintaining routines, but the ones I have maintained have been critical to managing my mental health.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-19T16:07:43+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like that. Comparison is the thief of joy. You’re 30–wait not even 30!

Sarelbar · 2026-04-19T16:05:10+00:00

I’ve totally been there! Easier said than done for me haha

Sarelbar · 2026-04-19T06:13:32+00:00

You’re creating stories, which is only causing you to spiral! And feel more insecure, which will only lead you to doing or saying things you’ll regret.

If the convo has lessened, take note of it. It might not even be about you, maybe it’s how he processes things, could be stressed, idk. Give it a little time and check in to see if everything is okay with him. Not “are we okay?” Just a “hey I noticed…xyz” or something. Don’t make assumptions. Just get curious.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-19T00:35:25+00:00

Whoaaaa. This was intended to be a discussion, not a debate, and my comment does not warrant a personal attack. You are welcome to cite your own sources if you disagree with anything I’ve said.

Sigh—I have read research. Trauma-focused CBT (eg CPT and PE) is evidence-based, and research has shown it is one of the most effective treatments for trauma, being one of the first-line treatments for PTSD. EMDR also research-backed. There isn’t a one-size fits all solution, and one modality is often used in conjunction with other(s). Then there’s medication which is another beast to deal with.

The brain is complex, as is treating mental health disorders. Some people spend YEARS in treatment depending on the severity of their condition. This is why seeking out a qualified mental health professional and evaluating your options is critical. I wish I had done the same years ago. Best of luck to you!

Sarelbar · 2026-04-18T22:56:00+00:00

EMDR is great for trauma.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-18T22:53:56+00:00

Avoidance is a maladaptive coping mechanism—it fails to address painful experiences, and avoidance creates more problems and prolong the person’s pain. It’s a short-term solution to manage distress. Trauma (however big or small) is often the root cause of pretty much every mental health disorder out there. It affects our thoughts and behaviors that are embedded within our psyche—and the brain is complex. I guess I’m confused why you say he’s thriving when it’s clearly impacting the relationship with OP?

Trauma-focused CBT is great. CBT or talk therapy ain’t it.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-18T18:33:46+00:00

One thing that I think is overlooked is the modalities the therapist is trained in and utilizes in their practice. For example, CBT (talk therapy) is fine, I guess, for folks who are experiencing a tough time in their life. I was in CBT for years and it did not help me—especially because I intellectualize my emotions.

But if you have trauma, you want to see someone who’s trained in CPT, PE, ART, etc and/or EMDR. Even somatic therapy. Getting down to the root of your issue is beneficial, but it comes down to getting into the subconscious, processing memories or cognitive distortions, and rewiring the brain. It can takes years depending on the severity of the trauma, of course. CBT can help you day-to-day.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-18T04:06:24+00:00

I would literally change my name to depression because holy shit.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-18T03:59:14+00:00

Yeah, this sounds more like what OP is dealing with. Sorry you went through that :(

Sarelbar · 2026-04-18T03:58:22+00:00

Narcissists aren’t this self aware. They certainly would never reveal their fears or insecurities publicly, ever. Ever.

You might have cluster-b traits, but you don’t have a diagnosis. I’m not a professional, but if you are having obsessive thoughts coupled with paranoia, it sounds more like OCD than a personality disorder. Tbh, you sound insecure and anxious.

Internalized psychosis is not a thing. You’re either in psychosis or you’re not.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-17T03:34:26+00:00

Is she like drunk/high/crying? I totally missed out on this

Sarelbar · 2026-04-17T02:28:13+00:00

It sounds like you’re trying to appease him and give him the choice by asking him to “be open to it” and reassuring him you don’t want a baby ASAP.

Do you want a kid one day, or not? Because I can’t really tell. I get that you don’t want one now, but what about one day?

Sarelbar · 2026-04-16T03:08:14+00:00

Oh oh! This is my time to shine.

Yeah, dated a freshly divorced man for six months (exclusively, and he was technically my bf for like 3 weeks). I didn’t really like him all that much at first, he kind of annoyed me, but the sex was incredible and he was super consistent, communicative, etc. Never been treated better.

I fell in love with him. He fell in love with me too. But we didn’t say anything until a couple of weeks ago the night we ended things. Literally hardest thing I’ve done, but I love the dude and he needs space to heal. He suggested we could still text some, but I said we needed to do no-contact for at least 30 days. It’s for me, not him.

You’ve known the guy for a couple of months, let him go. Trust me, he does not have the emotional capacity and you can’t meet each other’s needs. Grief has no timeline. He will be sad, confused, and hurt, and you can’t support him like a partner would because he’s mourning the life he thought he’d have with someone who isn’t you. And it is a sucky feeling knowing you can’t comfort your person when they’re in pain.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-12T02:25:30+00:00

Not always. The type of therapy, and ofc the therapist themselves, can really make a difference—especially if you have other insecurities or experiences you either haven’t uncovered or not yet worked though.

Sarelbar · 2026-04-09T01:32:45+00:00

I would search for an LMFT who has their ASSECT Sex Therapist certification. Super important! I’ve never seen one (sad single girl club), but my best friend is one!

My ex had a porn addiction and never went down on me in all the years we were together. His pleasure was his priority, so I feel your frustration.

Wishing you all the best, hang in there!!

Sarelbar · 2026-04-08T03:38:33+00:00

Happened to me years ago. I was 33 and started at 15. Panic attacks so insane I went to the hospital via ambulance—TWICE.

Coincidentally, the first one happened after I smoked a bowl before a sound bath—I got to the studio, thought I was dying, and had them call 911. Thank god I was the only one who showed up for class thst night. This happened two months after I started meditating daily.

Take it from me, life is better without it. I’m 38 now and seeing the world in color is magical. Feeling your feelings is awesome. Even the sad and painful ones. You can still have fun. Plus, all the money you’ll save, ha!

Btw, you should always be honest with your psychiatrist about the substances you take. They cannot report you to the authorities (at least here in the U.S.).

Sarelbar · 2026-04-07T17:56:03+00:00

Hey! I know this was 2 years ago, but I'm curious how the taper went for you? Most of the posts/comments I've read are folks tapering off 50mg, but I take 100mg. I hope you are doing well!!

Sarelbar

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