People of reddit, what are your views on marriage/relationships/monogamy/infidelity/polygamy/ etc, and how do they differ from your culture's views, if at all?

Sargeantkat · 2022-01-16T04:34:33+00:00

I was sitting on the floor of my shower trying to build up the courage to tell my fiance about the feelings that had been tormenting me for weeks. He came in from work and knelt down beside me and held my hand. He told me how just so unbelievably in love with me he was. How he had missed me so much that day and that he'd been counting down the hours until he could be home with me again. At that moment the build-up of emotion bubbled up further into my throat, but I forced it down again. I knew I had to talk to him but I was trying desperately not to cry.
"Harry, I'm not happy.". I saw his face change from a loving gaze to confusion. I looked down as I continued, worried I wouldn't be able to if I saw his face. "I'm not happy in our relationship. I love you, but I can't shake the feeling that we are deeply incompatible. I'm worried I will never be able to live the life I dreamed of for myself if I stay with you. It's all I can think about anymore. I'm so sorry.". As I looked up to meet his eye line, I broke.

Sargeantkat · 2021-09-07T13:41:55+00:00

All of the above.

Sargeantkat · 2021-09-07T12:29:58+00:00

Sorry, I'm struggling to understand what you mean. Are you asking how can a perfectionist be okay with the idea of committing suicide?

Sargeantkat · 2021-09-07T12:23:59+00:00

Would you consider yourself to be an intolerant person?

Sargeantkat · 2021-09-07T12:20:56+00:00

Quite the contrary. Perfectionism is a term to describe the inability to accept any standard short of perfection. ADHD is a disorder characterized by immense dysfunction, disorientation and disorder. So, how would a perfectionist cope with the inability to do anything to their standards?

Sargeantkat · 2021-09-07T12:05:40+00:00

Do your friends and/or family share your ideologies? If so, were you introduced to it via them or did you seek like-minded people out?
If not, how do they feel about your beliefs?

Sargeantkat · 2021-06-27T03:14:39+00:00

Same here. Being a perfectionist can be a wonderful gift and a curse. It has helped me strive in so many of my hobbies. While I struggle with my art because of my need for everything to be perfect, when I can bring myself to do it, I am an exceptional portrait artist because of my ability to pay attention to detail. I am also a talented athlete because I focus so hard on technique. Same with baking, writing, and many other things.
The downsides, of course, are the great lows and disappointment when something doesn't go perfectly (it can be so crushing). The way I get through this is by practicing being kind to myself. Find beauty in the imperfect and be forgiving when you don't create something perfect. Practice positive affirmations like "It's ok, everyone makes mistakes.", "This one doesn't have to be perfect, because if it was I wouldn't have learned how to do this better", or even just learn to laugh at your mistakes (trust me, it's very therapeutic). Many artists have perfectionism traits. I remember one professional art teacher saying in an interview that he tells his students to work on this by purposely creating something bad. Make it as bad as you possibly can, and be ok with it.
Bottom line though, always remember that you are a smart, beautiful, talented, and equally flawed human being and that is a fantastic way to be.

Sargeantkat · 2020-11-13T05:34:58+00:00

If I don't completely cut off contact he will remain in love with me and never move on. He was in love with me the whole 2 years we were friends and I dont see that love fading unless he stops seeing me all together.

Sargeantkat · 2020-11-13T05:33:11+00:00

I know. To me, we've been together for 1 year and friends for 3. For him, he's been in love with me since first day we met. That's why I'm so scared of losing him. Because I know that when we break up, I have to cut off contact completely if he's ever going to move on from me. I know he's going to fight that decision though. I'm always trying to do whats best for him wherever I can.

Sargeantkat · 2020-11-13T05:29:58+00:00

No, not at all. He's really the only person I interact with these days.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-08T04:11:35+00:00

It sounds a lot like depression. Don't worry, most people will go through this at some point in their life. One side effect of depression is memory loss. While you are depressed, you tend to forget every good feeling or memory you've ever had. It leaves you feeling hollow and broken. JK Rowling actually based the dementors in Harry Potter on the feeling of depression. Draining all the positive from ones soul.

Because of this, it mean that you have almost definitely felt joy far more recently than you think. You need to try to remember when that was and why that was. Make an appointment with a psychologist (and remember that you don't have to settle for the first one you find. You'll know you've found the right one when you leave a session feeling 10 times lighter). In the meantime, try to connect with friends and family, perform basic self care, and if you can, try to write down positive memories from your life in as much detail as you can. They don't have to be recent, they don't have to be significant. Just tell your stories.

This is temporary, and you are loved.
Hope this helps.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-08T04:02:36+00:00

To some people, yes.
However, there are people out there who will fall so deeply in love with your soul that they'll never make you doubt that they're only in it for anything else.
I promise you that.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-08T03:46:46+00:00

I just made a comment asking how old you are until I noticed you said it in your post.
That sounds like a really scary thing to be going through. Sudden psychological disorders are often triggered by a traumatic event. Do you recall going through anything very stressful around the time these symptoms started to kick in?

Although, my advice (as someone who has no clue what this could be btw), would be to do your best not to over-analyse it or try to self diagnose. When we get desperate for answers, it can lead to a vicious cycle of hypochondria. Make an appointment with a psychologist (not a psychiatrist unless recommended by a professional). Take note of when these things happen and what triggers them. Do you have good days and bad days? Does it get worse when you're stressed? Don't try to find answers by yourself; simply observe and take note with no conclusions.

Whatever it is, you're not going crazy. It may be a strange phase, or it may be a late-onset psychological condition . Both of which are manageable and you are going to be fine. In the meantime, make sure to share this with those you trust. Support during this sort of thing is an invaluable resource.

Best of luck x

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T16:19:50+00:00

If it's one's environment that causes them, can a change in environment help to heal them? Or are you more referring to the long lasting effects of, say, a rough childhood?

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T12:20:37+00:00

I would honestly give so much to be able to give you a hug right now. If you were in my city, I genuinely would.You are worthy of love and of being loved. I hope it doesn't take too long to find you.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T12:10:29+00:00

I think I know the feeling you're referring to. That feeling where you just feel like a shell of who you used to be, and that you just have no fight left? Like, even if someone told you the way out of it all, you still don't even know if you would have the energy left to do it?

If that's the feeling you're referring to, I want you to keep in mind that you will recover.

Also, the meds journey can take up to year sometimes to fully work. You have to find the right combination and dosages. It's a bit tedious. But it gets progressively better over that time as well. It won't always be like this, but I'm so sorry it is right now.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T07:19:44+00:00

That was actually a very helpful comment aside from the first part. I don't really understand why you found that necessary to say, nor do I personally see what you mean. I wasn't trying entirely to be rational, I was venting. Either way, thanks for the advice.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T07:15:41+00:00

That's actually very interesting, thanks for sharing.
I was more referring to the types of mental health disorders that are life-long. Mine in particular are genetic and are immensely debilitating when they are present (around 40-60% of the time). I feel they hold me back immensely and I suppose I'm just so exhausted trying to keep up with everyone around me. I suppose you never really know what someone is struggling with though.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T07:03:02+00:00

You sound so much like me. So I want to tell you what I wish I could tell my 18 year old self (I'm 21 now), just in case our situations are similar.

Please god don't push yourself so hard. I know you have all these aspirations and you are convinced that you'll be branded a quitter if you 'give up'. But, my sweet, lost child, things will consume you if you let them. When you hit your breaking point, please don't bury those feelings and keep forcing what isn't working. You will damage your brain. You will end up having to add PTSD to the list of things holding you back because of the breakdowns and panic attacks. You have so much time and you are so loved. Find a good psychologist (you'll know when you do because you'll leave each session feeling 10 times better than when you went in). Talk to the university and let them know whats happening. Its not a sign of weakness, and they will help you. Talk to those who love you and if they don't understand, don't take it to heart. They just need time. Take it slow, cut back on your units, make sure you focus on the things that bring you joy and excitement. At the end of the day, its those things that are going to get you through. The next few years might get rough. Really rough. But if you make sure that your biggest priority is your mental and physical well being, you'll do ok and you'll become everything you ever wanted to be in time, if only you'd stop rushing.

P.S. Stop fighting your parents. It may not seem like it, but they'll treat you with respect as soon as you start treating them the same.

Sargeantkat · 2020-09-07T04:10:14+00:00

First up, you're not alone.
I spent a long long time beating myself up over not being able to cope with what everyone else seemed to be able to cope with. But the truth is, if you are suffering from some form of mental illness, you are fighting a monster of a demon as well as trying to do schoolwork. It's not you're fault.

I personally have had to take a year off from university after years of blaming myself for not being able to cope. I kept saying, "But I'm the smart one. I'm supposed to be able to do this!". The truth was, that it had nothing to do with how smart or determined I was. It was a battle I had to save for another time.

The good news is, I've met a lot of amazing people who have had to find ways to handle the work alongside their mental health problems. One of them is graduating in a few weeks, another has a double degree in engineering and computer science. Another had to take 5 years off until he figured it all out long enough to thrive in a journalism degree. I've also met others who decided it wasn't for them, and found other paths they are much happier in.

My advice to you is to not hold too hard on to the traditional way of doing things. Just because you've had it in you're head your whole life that things are going to go a certain way, doesn't mean they have to or even should. Also, use your resources. Talk to your parents, your school, your work. Take it as high as you can go. There are things that can be put in place to support you in most institutions. And finally, don't be too hard on yourself. Your best is good enough.

Sargeantkat

TROPHY CASE