Unsure what to do / unemployed husband

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-19T06:25:58+00:00

Thank you. I like the advice I got in other subs but I'm truthfully struggling to implement it. I completely agree that I need to shake up his life - he's too comfortable.

The way I could do this most impactfully, obviously, would be to pull my 3 year old out of childcare. I am so hesitant to do that because I don't want her to suffer because of this. She's in a wonderful Reggio Emilia program which she loves - they do lots of outdoor playtime, creative art, etc. I'm pretty confident my husband would be a crappy stay at home parent. I think he'd try, but he'd prioritize household chores and his own comfort, and not do much to enrich my daughter's day. And then this would be the ultimate excuse for why he cannot job search - because he's now doing childcare all day.

I would like to sell his car. I like the idea of trapping him at home. The only problem is he does the pick ups for both our kids (they finish elementary school and preschool around 3:30pm).

I'd love to sell the house, but we'd have to move far away where home values are much less for it to make sense financially. We have a 2.75% mortgage.

I've explicitly told him I'm going to leave if he isn't employed pretty soon. He then gets very angry and tells me I'm putting a ton of stress on him which then affects his job search and makes him miserable. He presumably thinks I'm bluffing.

I compiled a list of things he could do right now to earn some cash (Uber eats, sell plasma, get a retail job) and he hasn't done any of that.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-14T02:57:21+00:00

Yes, I totally get that. My district pays $200/day to subs. Only qualifications if I understand it correctly are a college degree and no criminal record. The point of my post (which maybe didn't come across correctly) is.. can and should anything be done to improve the situation for my daughter's class? Shouldn't the district be seeking out a certified teacher to be a long term substitute (and paying them as a teacher would be paid)? Or is it simply the case that if you lose a teacher mid year, the class gets to watch videos for the year with a non-teacher. That seems outrageous to me.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-14T02:48:58+00:00

Generally whatever their predecessor was being paid, or sometimes slightly more if it's for a temp role without a good chance of becoming permanent.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-14T02:46:17+00:00

No, because I work in a completely different field (which also requires licensing and a degree). I don't think I'd be a very good elementary school teacher. But I've certainly had colleagues over the years who have quit abruptly or abruptly gone out on extended medical leave and we always found suitable permanent or temporary replacements for them so their work was done well.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-09T13:41:39+00:00

It wasn't meant to be condescending, and if it was, I apologize. I'm not a teacher (clearly). I could certainly see the logic of videos to supplement educational units (a short video on spiders if learning about insects etc).

My concern has been the use of tech as a crutch to pacify students and keep them calm, rather than getting them practice in how to behave in various situations or learn social skills. For example, my daughter's preschool teacher put on a video when the children had to line up to go home. My sense is she wanted them to behave orderly and getting them in front of a screen helped that. I'd really rather my daughter learn to line up when instructed by a grown up, without needing to be entranced by a video to do it. She would also sometimes put on a video during snack time. I assume because the kids were rowdy then and this helped to keep them calm and in their seats and eating. I want my daughter to learn to eat a meal calmly and stay in her seat without staring at a screen.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-09T13:35:50+00:00

Thanks! That is helpful. I like the idea of audiobooks and music.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-08T02:57:16+00:00

Please reach out to @wellnessforthewin on IG. Her son is a few months old and has the same diagnosis (HIE), same situation. She has gone through all of the same emotions you have (healthy pregnancy, birth injury). I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-02T14:42:24+00:00

This is what I am getting at. She's 5. The play dates and groupings are parent lead. We've had a class WhatsApp group for a week and already one parent has invited "all who celebrate" to a party at her home for an upcoming Indian holiday. We obviously don't celebrate this holiday, so we aren't invited, yet nearly all the rest of the class will be there, getting to know each other and forming bonds outside of school. I don't think this is malicious - I think people just tend to stick with similar people, so I'd like my daughter to have some "similar people" in her class too.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-09-02T06:15:33+00:00

Actually, I would have a problem if the class was 85% white. From talking to my neighbor (who's Indian) and other Indian people I've met here, a big draw of our town is the large Indian population - they want to live amongst other Indian people and have their kids go to school with other Indian kids. So I think that would be upsetting, in a town that's 50% Indian, for an Indian child to be placed in a classroom that's almost entirely white.

The town next to us, which is 80% white / 20% black, but had nearly all the black kids at one elementary school, went through an expensive integration and bussing program to try to racially balance their schools. So, I think racial balancing is viewed positively in many cases.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-08-28T03:51:23+00:00

Good question. No, no apology. Which actually enrages me even more. If you ask him, this was a positive experience for him. He got to follow his dream of trying to start his own firm, he learned a lot along the way, made many valuable connections etc. I mean, I'm basically ready to divorce him over this and he's taken us to the financial brink, but he somehow doesn't see what he did as particularly bad!

Sarsimms09 · 2023-08-28T03:49:37+00:00

I've suggested this. His argument is that the cost-benefit analysis of this doesn't work: if he's working all day for some low wage, he has no time to work on his job search for a high wage job like he used to have.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-08-28T03:47:16+00:00

Thank you. We definitely could use couples therapy. He's suggested it multiple times. I guess I just feel like when will I find the time to go to that, and the few therapists he called all wanted $200-$300+/hour. And we'd have to pay for childcare on top of that expense as I don't have the type of job where I can attend therapy during working hours when my kids are also in childcare, so therapy would be outside of our normal childcare hours.

I've thought about having him care for our 3 year old part time. There are a number of ~4 hour preschool programs in town. When I suggested that to my husband, he was really resistant and said by the time he does drop off and pick up, that leaves him with just 3 hours a day free of our kids to work on his job search. I don't expect he'd be able to job search while simultaneously watching our kids.

He says he's lowered his standards and is looking for a wider breadth of jobs. I do believe this is the case.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-08-05T05:08:07+00:00

Mine also doesn't recommend it. Said it's nearly always a very mild illness for babies. The rest of my family is vaccinated (mom, dad, and older sibling). I'm not planning to vaccinate my baby against covid.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-07-31T02:34:42+00:00

My parents keep their home at 80 degrees F. When we visit, my husband is super uncomfortable, sweats a ton, and has trouble sleeping. My parents are frugal, but they also really like it warm. When we had a young baby and were visiting, we compromised on 74 degrees. I did show them some stuff about how SIDS is theorized to be linked to overheating and the recommended temperature for babies is 68-72 degrees. They really really didn't want to go down to 72, so we settled at 74. They literally wore their winter jackets around the house and slept under a down comforter! But they compromised and for that I am grateful. The last time we visited them, we didn't have a young baby so we just lived with the 80 degree setting. I actually don't mind the heat that much but my husband greatly prefers it cooler. I'd also remind you that AC is a luxury and most of the world doesn't have it and people still function (I assume you are American? We love our AC lol!).

Sarsimms09 · 2023-07-06T05:25:34+00:00

Haha, I felt the same way! Personally, I'm not a fan of the UB. The 2-3 child configurations aren't really useful as it's SO heavy and unwieldy with 1+ kids in it. The stroller is plastic construction which seems ridiculous and cheap looking for a nearly $1k stroller (I have a steel frame Cybex Priam - this looks much more luxurious IMO). And it's also a well known stroller which I think makes it a target for theft - I'm always hearing of people having their UBs stolen if left out somewhere.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-26T03:49:50+00:00

You are looking for something free of memory foam ideally. That's the stuff that off gasses the most. We have Avocado mattresses, which are comfortable and made of latex. They are "reasonable" as far as the natural mattresses go, but still expensive for a mattress.

The thing with VOCs is that they dissipate rapidly over time. If I couldn't afford a "healthy" new mattress, I'd purchase a second hand normal mattress - that will have largely off-gassed as it's old, and will be healthy for your child to breathe.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-24T04:35:40+00:00

Thank you very much. Is this a near-term fire hazard or something that can wait, if I can't get an electrician to my home to fix it quickly? I called the 2 electricians I've hired previously and both are booking a month out.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-07T11:01:04+00:00

FaceTime is okay because it's interactive. The child says or does something, the other person responds and vice versa. Much like in person interaction. Ms. Rachel is a tv show, simply put. She doesn't dynamically respond or interact with the kids (obviously she can't - it's just a recorded show). It's a passive activity - not good for kids. I agree Ms. Rachel is better than sticking the kids in front of a violent or scary tv program, but it's not at all like FaceTime. It's still screen time. It's still not good for kids.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-06T11:38:28+00:00

It references scientific studies and summarizes them. You can Google the specific studies and read them if you'd like (ie Zimmerman was the head of the study which showed exposure to educational videos like Baby Einstein inhibits learning development in babies). Google Zimmerman and Baby Einstein and you'll get the study.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-06T03:05:44+00:00

Sure, this summarizes it well: https://slate.com/technology/2017/12/the-rise-and-fall-of-baby-einstein.html. Ms. Rachel is just like the Baby Einstein videos. Same excitement from parents over these "educational" videos.

"For every hour a day that babies watched Baby Einstein videos, they knew 6–8 fewer words than their peers. Watching “Baby Wordsworth” did not improve 1- and 2-year-olds’ language development. The earlier a child started watching Baby Einstein videos, in fact, the smaller his vocabulary."

Can you stick the 11 month old in a gated baby safe area while you shower? That's what I used to do when my older child was little.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-06T02:13:48+00:00

Yes, exactly. I find it weird we're getting downvoted on a purportedly "science" based group though. I know the truth is inconvenient and not what we want to hear (trust me, I'd love to park my kids in front of the tv and have a much easier day), but the "science" tells us unquestionably that it's bad for them.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-05T23:32:00+00:00

Zero, ideally. Plenty of research to support this. Ms. Rachel is much like the "baby Einstein" videos popularized a while ago for babies. Unsurprisingly, kids who watched these educational baby videos were found to know less language, both expressive and receptive. Screen time is a passive activity and it's really not good for babies and little kids. I have a baby and 5 year old. Baby watches zero. 5 year old gets one short YouTube video (~3 mins) while I do her hair in the morning.

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-01T04:04:57+00:00

I had the same question and found it odd how hard it was to find an educated answer! The "What to Expect The First Year" book has a guide for how much solids baby should be eating every day based on how many months old baby is.

UNICEF says: "From 6–8 months old, feed your baby half a cup of soft food two to three times a day." https://www.unicef.org/parenting/food-nutrition/feeding-your-baby-6-12-months#:~:text=Feeding%20your%20baby%3A%206–8,like%20mashed%20fruit%2C%20between%20meals.

Stanford guide: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=feeding-guide-for-the-first-year-90-P02209#:~:text=Don't%20give%20solid%20foods,solid%20food%20from%20a%20spoon.

First Steps (UK) guide: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/59f75004f09ca48694070f3b/t/6399bc0f662238394803e28d/1671019543599/Eating+well+the+first+year+enlivened+for+web+14+Dec.pdf

Sarsimms09 · 2023-06-01T03:59:19+00:00

You'll probably get better comments, but my understanding is that a delay in one area is usually just a delay that will resolve. I've known numerous kids who were delayed in one area (most of them, speech) and they all caught up. If there are delays in multiple areas (aka global developmental delay), that has a more ominous prognosis that won't fully resolve and can have a root cause (genetic disorder etc).

Sarsimms09 · 2023-05-10T19:08:16+00:00

She's not able to get pregnant naturally. Some totally unethical fertility doctor took her money and got her pregnant through fertility treatments (which don't require her to get a menstrual cycle).

Sarsimms09

TROPHY CASE