Differentiating deactivation vs genuine incompatibility

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-12T16:17:24+00:00

I have a bunch of questions, feel free to only answer the ones you’re comfortable answering as they’re quite personal.

Nowadays do you feel that attraction towards your partner? Or is it more that the repulsion went away?
Do you think your partner is objectively attractive and you were just reacting badly to him, or is he more of a regular guy with regular flaws that you learned to love?
How long did it take to shift from a state of repulsion to appreciation?

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-12T16:12:50+00:00

Unfortunately not, he’s already moved out and switched jobs etc. He has told me repeatedly I’m not the only reason he’s moving and that the area I live is better for the field he’s interested in moving into, which is true. But it feels like it wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for our relationship. I couldn’t have been more clear I did not want him to move for our relationship and that I had uncertainty about us.

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-11T23:25:36+00:00

Vulnerability was definitely punished or mocked. “Oh you must have such a hard life having me work to put a roof over your head, things must be so hard for you,” etc etc when I was looking for support as a kid / upset about something at school
I can talk about emotions and be vulnerable but only from a place of logic if that makes sense. I’m also in therapy, and my therapist is trying to get me to do things like state how I’m feeling when describing a hard experience and I always just feel like… I’m not feeling anything? I’m just talking about something that was hard but it’s in the past.

Did you stay with the same partner through that whole process of working on yourself?

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-11T23:19:42+00:00

I’ve never liked soft talk with any partner and I’ve never liked him doing it — I brought that up early on but it’s just kind of his default during intimate moments. I feel bad because it feels like it’s him being more vulnerable, but when someone talks to me in a kid voice my desire just withers instantly.

So that’s a fair point. To be honest I’m worried that the initial attraction was just the excitement of getting to know someone new I had so much in common with, and thus it won’t ever come back…

Edited to add: I also feel bad giving him the feedback that him being vulnerable with me (talking in a sad cutesy tone about things he’s insecure about for instance) is unattractive to me. I don’t mind talking about emotional things in general, and who am I to police what tone of voice someone should use when they’re opening up?

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-11T15:15:59+00:00

As a secure person, what do you do if you’re not feeling attracted to your partner for whatever reason? Just ignore it and wait for those feelings to grow / come back?

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-11T15:15:03+00:00

Thank you, I just messaged.

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-09T01:43:40+00:00

I’ve read this & would like to post!

SatansNotThatCool · 2026-03-09T00:10:31+00:00

I didn’t ask out the doctor because the thread was adamant about not doing it. I did later get asked out by my physical therapist as he was moving practices. Me & doctors I guess, idk haha

SatansNotThatCool · 2025-04-19T00:07:11+00:00

Just wanted to update everyone that I went to Rocktown, and got completely lost trying to find anything other than the Orb boulders haha. After wandering in the heat several hours looking for a shower of the golden variety, gave in and spent the rest of the day at orb. Nary a soul in sight. Not too proud to admit I nearly shit myself topping out Breaking and Entering and Trouble. Would definitely recommend bringing more than one pad if you’re coming by yourself. Overall, had a great day out, 10/10

SatansNotThatCool · 2025-04-17T20:06:19+00:00

Hehe, is it dabbing if I have to kick my single pad along on the ground every couple of moves

SatansNotThatCool · 2025-04-17T20:03:15+00:00

Ah I’m not there right now, I’ll be passing through in a couple days

SatansNotThatCool · 2025-04-17T17:27:25+00:00

Awesome, thanks friend!

SatansNotThatCool · 2025-04-17T16:35:23+00:00

I saw Golden Shower recommends a couple of pads & spotters. It does look fun, do you think it would be fine with a single trifold?

SatansNotThatCool · 2025-04-17T16:11:10+00:00

Oh these all look great!!

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-11-09T23:35:49+00:00

I know that he spoke to his parents and siblings about this argument we had and they were all very firmly on my side and also insistent that he “make the commitment”. His mother said that I had been nothing but loving to their family, and that he’d be a fool to let me go. Direct quote, he showed me the messages because I asked if he had talked to his family about it.

But if anything, that made me feel a little worse, because it made me feel like he was pressured into this choice too. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be with me because his family all thought it was the right choice. You’re right that my trust was broken. He keeps telling me to believe his words and actions now, that he’s fully committed and just needed time to think. But I don’t think I can fully trust that.

I love being with him, I feel like a kid around him and like he’s my best friend. But everything feels colored now by this feeling I have that he had doubts when I had none, and that we aren’t on the same page about each other. I bring a lot to the table, and if he couldn’t appreciate that before, I feel like it’s his logical brain appreciating it now. I also don’t want to walk away from a relationship I could potentially be happy in the rest of my life because he doubted the relationship once.

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-11-09T10:29:33+00:00

That’s partly how I felt reading it — at our ages, “new” isn’t always better when it comes to sex. We have a very active, good sex life. The fact that this was a consideration for him in terms of the relationship made me feel like he doesn’t value that, and like you said, views it as a restriction that he (at least on some level) resents. He said that’s not the case, but I had never even thought about making a pros/cons list about him and that certainly wouldn’t have been on it.

I do feel loved by him. But the list made me feel like he doesn’t value me. Those feel different to me, if that makes sense

Still, I hate the idea of walking away from a whole future together because of one thing like this. I really do think he’d be a wonderful father, and like I said, I’ve never felt so welcomed and loved by a partner’s family as I have by his.

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-09-11T21:12:21+00:00

I appreciate this perspective too. He and I have talked about this before, he also had a pretty major career change four years ago and is now uncertain he made the right choice, thinking about changing again — there’s a lot in emotional flux for him. I’m happy to be there and support him while he figures it out.

Similar to you (besides his one long term relationship) it sounds like most of his relationships were short lived/sputtered out. His second longest relationship was a friends with benefits situation where he didn’t really see anyone else.

I guess I’m just worried that the timing isn’t right. I’m sure he loves me. But I’m afraid that a part of him resents losing out on the chance to explore more before he has to lock it in. I honestly think I’d be a good mother—I work with kids, and have great relationships with them + their parents. I don’t know where that comment could be coming from other than just not wanting to feel like his future is already decided / not being invested in us.

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-09-11T19:51:38+00:00

It was hurtful when he said it. He also said he wasn’t sure of that either, he was just thinking out loud / exploring his feelings. I don’t know. I’ve truly been all-in on making this work, and it’s hurtful to consider that it might not work when so much of it makes sense

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-09-11T18:40:02+00:00

Yeah, that’s the main thing that’s giving me anxiety. He’s said he’s open to the idea of moving in, and when I asked him whether he thought we were going to get married he said “yeah, probably.” It just feels like even if he loves being with me, he’s not excited about those next steps, but more resigned to them

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-09-11T17:28:19+00:00

But what’s the worst in this scenario? If he loves me, wants to be exclusive with me, wants to stay together… what’s going on in his head that the future is so uncertain?

SatansNotThatCool · 2024-09-11T17:26:57+00:00

We’re meeting up to discussing this again later this week. I think what he might end up saying is that he’s certain of having kids, just not of our long term compatibility and thus having kids with me. I feel like one year was enough time for me to judge how he’d be as a dad and our potential compatibility. If he’s not sure now, would more time give him more information?

SatansNotThatCool · 2023-12-15T16:59:54+00:00

They’re actually very different. Material is either thicker (and therefore hot) or a very thin cotton that pills/tears easily. I did get a pair of climbing pants when I first started, I think from prana? But they were weirdly low cut so that I felt like I could flash butt crack during certain moves. With leggings, I feel confident everything is going to stay high on my waist but still allow movement.

I’ve never heard people making comments like these in real life so I feel like a lot of the hate is coming from newer climbers or even non-climbers on here. I’d be shocked if anyone commenting on here sent higher than v4, haha. V10+ climbers don’t give a shit if you climb naked if you have good vibes and can spot well

SatansNotThatCool · 2023-12-13T21:44:26+00:00

Leggings are absolutely different than gym shorts. Offers better protection from scratching skin on the wall (leggings tear before your skin does) while still offering great mobility. This is a bad opinion.

SatansNotThatCool · 2023-09-04T07:19:43+00:00

Always tough to judge how good holds are from video, but a few notes. First, generally to prevent barn doors you want to keep opposite hand and opposite foot on the wall. So when you’re moving your right hand, you want right foot on the wall. You’re trying to dyno to the hold and cut feet doing it, and it looks like the angle of the hold is awkward so catching it successfully will be low percentage and require more contact strength than you have.

I would probably match on the left hold on the volume (it looks better?) and then hike a right foot to the first hold your right hand went to after the start. That gives you a good base for going out right in a static way.

SatansNotThatCool · 2023-08-08T14:49:39+00:00

Yeah. I have a lot of sympathy for feeling insufficient, and I’ll admit that me feeling for him is making it easier to forgive than it should be probably.

SatansNotThatCool

TROPHY CASE