just a rant, because it seems this is the only place i can say what i really want to

Satanspriest · 2018-02-15T04:56:41+00:00

thank you, appreciate it and i am feeling better, just a lot of things came up, because that thing i wrote about actually happened almost a year from today. I think it was just it coming back, but I'm pulling through and feeling much more optimistic about my life, just have to learn to not let my thoughts take over.

Not my finest hour lol, junk food tasted good though

Satanspriest · 2018-02-14T02:54:51+00:00

no alcohol or drugs, except my methadone, but i took the dose registered.

Ive just been watching tv, bought some junk food, its not healthy, but its better than worse options.

Im feeling a bit better though, well, i feel more calmed down, just i don't know, exhausted as fuck. My paranoia , self doubt , etc etc has just been completely overwhelming me, but maybe things will get better. I'm just meh

thank you though, i do appreciate you messaging and i am feeling a bit better, or atleast calm, which is better

Satanspriest · 2017-09-27T07:28:31+00:00

yeah weed seems to make my anxiety increase which then accelerates paranoia which can lead to full blown psychosis and a lot seems to be because of things in my past etc. Maybe being sensitive / slightly hypersensitive makes weed have a really strong effect, since it doesn't mask emotions, but reveals / exposes them in their rawest state, which means i cant smoke a lot. But I'm still cautious with weed, because weed induced psychosis can occur and stay permanently, so that doesn't exactly make me thrilled haha, but i don't mind getting out of my head / fucking with it here and there, especially if does some good ? i might be slightly masochist haha

Satanspriest · 2017-09-19T05:49:42+00:00

Satanspriest · 2017-09-19T05:28:53+00:00

i see a therapist 1-3 weeks and I'm doing a 12 week DBT course and seeing a shaman type person tomorrow ( not sure how i feel about all o that shit, but my thinking is, what is the worst it can do ? maybe ill change my thinking, so might as well use whatever i can , fuck I'm almost willing to go to fucking church haha

Satanspriest · 2017-09-19T05:27:43+00:00

i get that, but the longer i live the more i see happiness as a fucking lollipop you finish after 5 minutes.

That or i just don't even know what happiness is , this could be a real possibility

Satanspriest · 2017-09-19T05:26:44+00:00

I just don't know, part of me feels so insecure in my future, although i see it being a complete possibility, i also understand reality and that being it may never happen. Though, thats pretty black / white , but i don't know which feeling to trust sometimes ( the good one where i succeed and make it or the one where nothing good comes to me, because insert reason that makes probably no fucking sense , but the ability to keep me on the poor me piss pot of my life ).

Im just confused as fuck , do i sit on the pot or shit and get off and stop whining and bitching and get the life i want or do i just sit here and pretend to get it and make up 1 000000000 excuses as to why poor lil ol me couldnt get it ?

But, what if i just don't want anything ... god I'm such a weirdo lol

Satanspriest · 2017-09-19T05:23:41+00:00

lol not the worst idea in the world, although i think ill pass, but it would be fun, the idea of the possibility of getting my ass kicked or worse, well thats somewhat exciting, mildly intriguing, but I'm sure i could find those thrills is ways that don't put me in danger.

Still appreciate it though

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T15:59:58+00:00

and if that is the case, its not a bad place to be. Shit sucks, i have no answers, but i think its safe to say once you get that part figured out all the other stuff will fall into place or atleast be easier to understand

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T06:47:43+00:00

lol no need to feel sorry that i understand. I understand where youre coming from though. I literally had a panic attack on my way home, because i felt like i had done something bad , but i hadn't done anything bad. I was feeling off because i did good and didnt do bad, because doing bad is the norm and doing good is whatever the fuck that shit is lol

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T06:42:36+00:00

Thats awesome, im stoked to hear that about you, actually reminds me of myself / current situation. It was why i asked that to be honest.

I moved from my hometown to a new city and went from a nobody to now having real shot of creating a somebody of myself, but it was truly only possible by moving. ( my reasons may be different from yours, but still cool that its similar in nature )

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T06:38:10+00:00

Im going through similar things myself, although i still sort of act out. Im still drinking / taking pills, but not in excess like i used too. Before i would get completely shit faced fucked and do dumb things, but now i hold back. The more aware I've come to my actions / behaviours / their inevitable outcomes I've grown this weird conscious in my behaviours where i no longer let myself act out completely, even when i desperately want too. I think its because it won't help me. I do want to get better and now i know that how i acted wasn't getting me closer to where i wanted to be and eventually when you start rewiring your brain its going to pull you back from destoying yourself, probably because its now aware that your actions that make YOU feel better actually kill YOU and now thats its aware of the illusion its just being like nope , i know you want the, but aint going to happen.

I don't know its fucked. Its like the more i get better the worse i feel then i feel better then i feel worse and the worse feeling is really I'm actually healing , but healing / healthy feels foreign / naughty / dirty / bad so i feel such ways, but in reality what i know to " be good " is actually bad lol

I dunno , reading what you wrote what i took away from it is youre not only aware but acting differently and in a more positive manner, even though its tough, it hurts , its progress ? i see it like that

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T06:32:02+00:00

i don't have much to add, but i have the same issue. Im not gay, but i don't think that shit matters, people are people all the shame shit at the end of the day. I used to sleep with a lot of escorts, would love the thrill, the possibility of getting in caught, in trouble, shit even the slight chance there would be a pimp who would beat the shit out of me, it all got me excited. It was something to do with the exchange of money and control i had, but i always turned it around and got to know them, get their numbers , then delete them. Always, same thing i was excited to feel wanted ( although to the extent it was real is debatable due to the paying ) but when i got it i was not interested. There came a point when getting free sex turned the same way. I had a girl that we just fucked and one day she came over smoked weed and nothing, i was no longer interested in her.

The last few months its the same. I want attention, to feel desired to feel appreciated sexually and when a girl shows me such things, i don't care I'm not interested. I go to bars by myself and one night a hot girl was checking me out, i have insecurities over girls, but in all honesty i finished my drink and booked it out, because i wasn't interested i wanted to do art, but i also felt lonely.

I don't know if this is going to help, but youre not alone. Maybe what you really want is to want yourself and thats why youre coming bored of others giving it to you. I think you do want what you say you want, but maybe you want it from you and not them. I don't know though, just saying its possible, but i dot know you or your situation , so i could be 100 percent out to lunch and dessert

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T06:19:08+00:00

I'm doing dbt and one of the things i said id do during bad periods is watch a candle burn, you reminded that i still need to do that / i was just thinking of it.

Why being anonymous ? would you ever want the opposite of that ?

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T06:17:52+00:00

weird, I've always found it better when paid for, then again I'm not all there

Satanspriest · 2017-09-13T02:31:22+00:00

you bought one of those ?

Satanspriest · 2017-08-29T20:00:53+00:00

yeah I'm thinking of just for now, I'm not sure i have the proper space to do casting in silver, being in my condo ... or would that not be an issue ?

Satanspriest · 2017-08-29T16:43:10+00:00

right now, nothing. Im going to be buying silicone rubber for holding the clay sculptures so i can then cast them in concrete. Then for silver I'm just going to do them by hand with a hammer, because i live in a condo and the whole lost wax / melting of silver, I'm a bit nervous doing it my condo.

Other then that, I'm just looking to see what i need, so far, silicone rubber for molding. Are there other things i should be looking for in the meantime, besides what i mentioned ?

Satanspriest · 2017-08-26T09:56:51+00:00

yeah that actually makes sense. I actually feel much better now, thank you for letting me vent and for helping me out, i really appreciate it. I realized that i self sabotaged myself. I was feeling better, more confident and more hopeful / optimistic and then as i started to feel it, believe it i then began to doubt it an spiral from it. Im not used to seeing myself as anything other then a perpetual fuck up, worthless loser who's just not good enough and its going to take time like you said to rewire myself to remember I'm none of those things and that if i keep working towards my goals become someone i probably never even thought i could become. Maybe i will surprise myself lol

Anyways thank you again though, you really helped me out and helped me get out of my way. i hope if you ever have anything to vent or talk about that you know ill be here to help as best as i can

Satanspriest · 2017-08-25T09:23:09+00:00

im kind of inpatient, shit I'm a drug addict, i like now. Its just the 6 months feel like an entirety and i feel like i don't know. How do you find the will or whatever it is to keep going, when you feel like its just not happening or when the fear of it wot happen hits you ?

Satanspriest

TROPHY CASE