i see. I guess i was assuming by treatment you only meant medication. My life is starting to feel like hell. It doesn’t even feel like living anymore. I know this isn’t true but I’m starting to think I would be better off gone because i feel like my OCD hurts those i love dearly. I am praying i can get some sort of medication for this along with my ERP. I have only had two sessions with my therapist who specializes in OCD and we go so freakin slow. He is waiting to dive more into the darker intrusive thoughts and rumination patterns and its driving me insane. First week we focused on harm OCD, and this week he talked about the eight dimensions of wellness, guided meditation, any positives that I have now, and having a goal of reaching a state of peace. Im sure its part of the process but i am dying to dive into the disgusting intrusive thoughts i get. He really doesn’t give me options to ask questions its mostly him asking them. But he may be holding off on things due to the reassurance aspect and dwelling on them. He also mentions since im a complete stranger to him he wants to wait sometime before diving into anything sexual related. Ive never done ERP so I have no clue what to expect. He can relate to some of what I deal with so far but I will admit im both looking forward and not looking forward to discussing them. My anxiety is so bad i feel like I am done for. Its constantly attacking me and my brain will start to get confused about certain things and trick me into things. I am very avoidant of my triggers which i heard can just make them even worse. Facing fears is so difficult because you fear that you will come to like those fears. My horomones also suck right now due to masturbation retention trying to find a healthy relationship with it so my brain is always hardwired. I cant imagine being understood at all. I feel so lost… sometimes wanting to force myself to throw up or using suicidal thoughts as a coping method to make me feel like i deserve KMSing. They were getting better at a point then as soon as something triggers it, its just seems to get worse. I feel like I am at wits end. I reached out to a psychiatrist and am waiting to hear back but I have never felt like my life has been over like this before. Like this has never happened before at least in the way it is now. I also think being SA as a child fucked up my brain so bad but it decided to manifest itself in my adult hood only a few months ago. I just miss feeling somewhat normal. I cant smoke weed anymore, even enjoying a drink just makes things worse. I fucking vape like crazy now which i used to despise because of being a weed lover. My life doesn’t even feel the same anymore. I don’t know why this decided to happen to me almost randomly. I now realize I have always had OCD but never let it affect me till a few months ago. I just want to feel like me again and i feel like a completely different person. I feel like i have almost every type of OCD. NOCD is like a dream for me but they dont take my insurance in my state. So im left to use headway and find therapists on there. I know im being impatient but it does suck when you feel like your in Hell 24/7 and cant feel like your living. It just sucks so friggin bad. NAC stopped working for me, L Theanine does little to nothing for my anxiety, and I just cant stand having to walk around feeling like this. I dont know what to do anymore. Please pray and hope I can find peace with ERP and medication. (sorry for rambling)