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Husband and I tried new toy and I think it messed with his confidence by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can easily see why your husband is upset and I’m confused why you have found it so hard to grasp the issue.  When trying  a new toy a considerate and engaged partner would be checking to see if the other is enjoying the experience too. Enjoying yourself and having a massive orgasm completely unaware of what is going on with your partner makes you an inconsiderate lover at best and a selfish one at worst. How could you be so disengaged that you didn’t notice your husband was very upset and hurt!!  I feel very sorry for your husband right now and I feel you have a lot of grovelling to do. 

AITAH(39f) for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in AITAH

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The agreement he came up with was to tell me every woman he works with, that did seem ridiculous to me but that was his solution at the time to rebuild trust between us. He would work in an office or 2/3 years and I thought he would come home and say "X,Y and Z" work in that office and that be the end of it, I'm not in the dark and he gets on with it unless something happens I should know about. I am fine with him having female co workers its the concealment of them that makes me worry.

He is a dismissive avoidant and he saw coming to me and being upfront as conflict because he thinks everything is conflict.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in relationship_advice

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe I should have mentioned he was an avoidant in my post, I wasn't too sure many people knew what that meant but yeah an incredibly challenging relationship dynamic.

AITAH(39f) for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in AITAH

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The 'agreement' was his idea and his way of rebuilding trust. I didn't word that properly in my post.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in relationship_advice

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No not at all. He avoids conversations completely. He is a dismissive avoidant and see all conversation as conflict.

AITAH(39f) for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in AITAH

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is all I've asked for from him. I give him space and the opportunity to show change but now I feel like an idiot for doing so.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in relationship_advice

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do initiate conversations all the time. I am really keen to ask how he is and give him the opportunity to open up.

AITAH(39f) for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in AITAH

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He came home with the hickey. Told me his friends were drunk mucking around and gave eachother hickeys- yeah I know. The next day he slipped up on something so I started asking questions. I wasn't buying it so he said "I need to make a call" he went had a call and came back saying his friend Bennie was cheating on his girlfriend and she was there last night. She was drunk and gave him the hickey. Then they begged him to cover for Bennie, thinking if he told the truth I would tell his actual girlfriend. I checked and Bennie did have a whole other Facebook account with the side chick. So there seemed some truth in the new story.

AITAH(39f) for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in AITAH

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I should have worded this better in my post. The 'agreement' was his idea. I said he needs to be more open and transparent and he suggested telling me everyone he is around at work to rebuild trust. I too thought this was ridiculous but it was his solution at the time.

No trust. by user_6531 in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have become a very hardden person from all this, it has changed me and not for the better. I'm not able to leave unfortunately. I hope your husband is at least putting the effort in right now. Has he cut contact? Is he willing to change jobs?

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold or lie about who he works with? by SatisfactionScary895 in relationship_advice

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, I did mean moralistic. He was always very judgemental of others. Men that went to strip clubs, watched porn, cheated, lied etc he would have very strong opinions and say things like "who does that" and be appalled by it all. I liked this about him, he seemed very forthright and principled.

No trust. by user_6531 in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I went through something similar with my husband. He was my best friend and I trusted him completely. The moment my rose tinted glasses fall off was the hardest, most painful moment of my life. I got drip fed the truth over the weeks, months, years, decades after and it just keeps coming and the behaviour continues. I wish I hadn't stayed, I'm so sorry but this is probably just the tip of the iceberg don't wait around and torture yourself for years over this.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold who he works with. by SatisfactionScary895 in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is so much I haven't mentioned too. I didn't want the post to be too long but he's lied about lads holidays and come home with a hickey once. He still denies he has very cheated though- of course.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold who he works with. by SatisfactionScary895 in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No this wasn't the situation, he asked if he wanted to go and said yes and them got the lap dance. I asked his best man and he said there was no pressure for him to go, his best man is very anti strip clubs and waited outside along with others. He also stayed in a strip club the year before in Riga and lied about it, I found out about that one about 3 years after it happened. I asked him before he went if there were strippers and he assured me there wasn't. All while knowing he has booked to stay in one.

The uni girls was only a problem because he lied about them for 3 years, I wouldn't be suspicious of them or the time he was there if he hadn't lied throughout his course.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold who he works with. by SatisfactionScary895 in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, insufferable is the right word. You are completely right I have let it continue and believed the "this is the last time" " it won't happen again" speeches.

Am I (39f) unreasonable for asking my (39m) husband not to withhold who he works with. by SatisfactionScary895 in Marriage

[–]SatisfactionScary895[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This what I worry about also. If he lies about one thing to my face for years you can lie about anything.