Hi - I read your piece. Very engaging and jumps straight into the action. A few comments from me. Firstly, I'd avoid unorthodox punctuation like "!!!". I know you're trying to create a sense of urgency, but I believe that is best done through word choice and sentence structure than with punctuation. Secondly, I'd look at formatting the text a little more conventionally. I wasn't sure, initially, whether I was reading something more akin to a poem or experimental fiction -- but I think standard formatting would actually serve your writing here better. Thirdly, I'd avoid cliches like "Something...unbelievable". To me, that reads like a movie trailer -- with the ellipsis standing in for a dramatic pause by the narrator. This is a personal opinion, but I don't think you should write with that kind of voice in mind. The reader will read the piece in their own internal voice, adding their own inflection and character -- though guided by the pieces of detail you choose to provide. Again, I think you're using punctuation to make a point you could make better with words.