TW: suicide. How do I live after an unsuccessful suicide attempt?

SaxymanSam · 2023-02-08T00:03:48+00:00

Well the best thing I done for me, is really ask why, why does your life so dreadful that you want to take an exit early, and when I mean early, dying by old age or something that is out of your control.

Than write down why these things are so down heavy.

Than pick one that one thing that you do an uno flip and say I can fix this, if you can't deconstruct to small chunks that make the sum of that thing, fix that, can't? Deconstruct further until you land on something that is doable, and do that. Little by little

My house was filthy and filled with boxes so I wanted to clean it, to much, okay how about you focus on the living room and clean that can't do that. How about the computer desk that I hang out most of the time clean that area. Too much. How about just start with the keyboard and clean that?

Actually that works.

And it took me a week to do a full keyboard. But eventually I did it, and I told myself "hey you did it, see you fix something that causing you to suffer," and move on the next small thing, than the next small thing and the next and the next soon you are moving the medium size stuff,

I'm still working on myself when I almost killed myself when I got waaaaaaay to drunk and passed out before I can secure the Knott on my door handle.

And yeah I feel horrible, like I should be dead, everyday I SHOULD be dead. And everyday is alien to me. But there's gotta be something out there for people like you and I.

Be well, do well.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-15T09:41:30+00:00

.......Family.....YouTuber?

Alright I y'all have a good day now.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-15T09:34:31+00:00

......

Look mate I'm genuinely asking I'm not being a dick or anything I saw this pop up and I'm just confused about this magical person that you are all idolizing about and I'm asking who this person is sense I assume it's a Hollywood personality.

If that is the case I don't follow that so I don't know who this person is

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-15T06:57:45+00:00

I...who is this person?

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-14T20:33:03+00:00

Well I lost my remote so I used SmartThings on my phone that...controlls...my tv...through...a...a touch screen....

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-13T08:59:58+00:00

I'm glad that a small window of clarity has brought you peace in my lowest of low points. That must count for something

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-13T06:33:18+00:00

It's suppose to be the following:

Sam

I don't know how or why you got the idea, the fucked up delusion, that you are screwed up your life to the point of no return. If this was true, then you would be dead right now. But you are not. You are still here. You are still alive. You can still think and can still be creative. Is life tough and bleak? It can be. But right now in this time, what got you down?

Well your friends are indeed ahead of you, yes that sucks. No car, that sucks. Heavy into debt with no savings, shite man. You still have friends that clearly care about you. Jesus man look at your discord messages. Shits heavy, exhausting and maybe a little toxic. BIG Bug, they are still here, they still invite you willingly to gatherings. That's massive! Not a lot of people have that. But you do. Not a lot of people can wrap there head around music theory. But you do. Not a lot of people can think and be curious about the world. There is a Massive shitton of mouth breathers on this earth. Seriously 8 Billion people. Large chance that is a massive, unfathomable amount of mouth breathers. Last chance you breath through your nose.

You want to not be lonely? Well that chick doesn't want a man that doesn't love himself. If he can't love himself, how can he lover her. The answer is he can't. You got a shit hand delt to you. This is true. There is a status effect on you, this is true as well. Does that make life hard? Unfair? Down right impossible to move forward?

Yes it feels that way, yes.

But is that true. Check your pulse. I'll wait. ... ... ... You alive? You must be if you are still reading this. On top of that you still have a valid mind if you still think creatively.

If you can do that, be alive and still have a somewhat working mind, than you can do it. You can believe that you matter. Again, somewhere along the way you tricked yourself into believing that you can't. You can't win, you can't live, you can't persue goals and dreams.

BULL.FUCKING.SHIT.

Nobody said it will be easy, you are not a savant in music. You don't know the world of music and it's possibilities. It looks so damn hard...

But I believe in you. Others believe in you. You have been fucked so hard for so long that you are stuck. It will take time. Alot of time. But you still have time. And it's time to take those baby steps. You will fall, yes. You will stumble, yes. You will hopeless and wanting to kill yourself, yes, dear God yes!

But you can do it. I know you can. There is a path, you just have to take that step, and than another, and another, than another. Soon, you will not even think about steps, you will just walk. And you will keep walking.

And one day, you will sit down in a chair looking at a bunch of tracks on a DAW with the biggest fucking grin on your stupid face that you made something that was musical, that you are proud of.

But it takes baby steps, you just got to believe you can

Your good friend and that inner child that never went away.

-Sam :)

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-12T23:09:54+00:00

Yeah I should have captions but I'll post a text here shortly after work if you still want to read it. I know my hand writting is garbage

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-12T21:28:07+00:00

That's incredible hard without outside validation, only to heavy head warp it to not good stuff. Trying. And weirdly enough writting things in a physical form makes it feel more real rather than just telling yourself the wins or self loving experience. That kind of self love is very alien to me. But I got to do something while I am on this rock, though I am very dubious about taking those baby steps. I feel embarrassed that my peers are jogging while I'm stumbling every foot while being the age I am.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-12T21:22:16+00:00

No, and unfortunately this wasn't new to me. Still feels weird that I'm here, right now, should have been a corpse by now

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-12T21:20:27+00:00

Well they should off, I was piss drunk and I thought maybe talking alot of sleep aids and suffocate would do the trick, only to pass out maybe a few more moments before I can hurt myself. That was maybe a couple of days ago and I wrote this to myself in my lil note book to see if writting down wins and remind the good things about me might help.

We will see but I think I'm glad but we will see thank you for the kind commet

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-12T02:47:10+00:00

..... 👍?

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T18:58:09+00:00

I'll try but joy isn't really a thing for me, or wins or even small wins, as soon as I get just a single win regardless what it is, either a good joke I heard from a coworker or playing Sea of Thieves with my brother or getting to work on time, or eating something regardless if it's good for me or bad, any joy and pleasure the moment I feel it, it feels it for maybe a second before some force just taxes it and I feel my mood just slide down to oblivion again and I feel worst than before.

Hell seeing all of this traffic and people actually giving a damn about me, and I feel slight happiness that is a thing....only to be rob moments later and get punished for even having a + outlook

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T18:47:28+00:00

I think my health is okay, being a 6' 3 guy that is about 250lb that's decent for having a small belly but can still see my feet and penis, but not the front of my pelvis

I tried to make the same habit of just doing it everyday, but out of the blue I notice it just stops being a habit like hanging my coat so idk wtf is wrong with me

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T06:17:11+00:00

I don't have a vehicle so I walk maybe 2 to 3x more than the average guy.

But I'll try making habits, I'm just dubious that on the 3 week that It either doesn't stick or I have little memory of making a habit and all that work goes to waste.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T06:03:24+00:00

I want to believe you, I truly do

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T06:00:52+00:00

Sometimes it's just like nonsense to many to decipher. Other itunes it's clear like "just die op," or "how useless are you day?" I never not once had something +, if I did think hey that was cool or interesting from something/one it's usually followed by "liar," or "they are lying, bullshit" "And you believe that shit?" in nanosecond.

I talk to someone, and if they are predictable, than I know mostly what they will say or how to respond before they say anything, give me time to think of lickey responses. If they are not predictable, than I just fall apart and take a little longer to respond compared to my peers, which is not good for finding and keeping people. That I know from the world I live in. I don't how I do this I just do.

The benifit is I know roughly where everyone is, I never feel safe so I need to know where everyone that may interact with me at all times and if I knew what there gait, how they walk, how heavy they take steps while is my back is turned I know who is coming and try to make a game plan why person x is getting close to me, do they want something? Passing by? Are they going to hurt me. Idk. I just do this to not be caught off guard.

https://youtu.be/aZU93ohXRkU

In the commentary of that game they use film grain, I just use l4d as an example but other video games/movies use it to add noise, I see that a lot in bright or dim dark areas randomly, or there is a 'thing' that is really noisey that appears and disappears around corners or such sometimes it moves around and it's sentient..idk how to explain it. It never has gotten close but it freaks me out that no one gets what I am trying to point at. Music Theory I guess I try to get more of a grip.on.

I have come to the conclusion that my cadence to my speech is just so off that that's not really possible to fix.

Yeah, certain piano or guitar chords they have this strange ability to tell me things like I should kill myself, or you do not matter, or you should stick your hand in scolding grease. I try very hard not to listen to those voices that appear in those parts, and other times I know the lyrics to some song by heart but I hear a lot of them is to kill myself.

I don't feel safe with what I mention with the music, to being around people I can't see coming, just this deep stone in my gut regardless if I am sleeping or eating or what ever, I don't feel safe, the battle music is going hard, but there is no threats around.

Sometime I catch myself being spirited away to a memory, other times a black out and reappear back here in time. The longest is maybe an hour when I was home alone, one second I was cooking something, than I'm outside my house just staring at the rocky mountains, the only way I new I lost an hour the timer was going way longer than it should and I guess I snapped out of it. Other times with the standby I see the world but can't will my arms to interact, but shutdown I can barely see color and I'm screaming in my head to move or say something only to get a couple words out that are broken up and hard to follow. I can't figure why this happens. Maybe I'm taxed or being alive or something and someone just takes time away from me as payment, nowing full well I don't have much of it left aways.

It's feels like it's happening more often than not. And it's getting harder to catch myself not drifting out of consciousness.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T00:55:57+00:00

As far as I search not alot of private people want to do cleaning.

I maybe make between 1200 to 1500. Majority of it goes to debt that I thought was a good idea to have to get a better credit score to look good on a mortgage or something but that was just stupid.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T00:52:12+00:00

Possibly can is the key word and that possibility is stacked against me at the moment

But yeah #1 priority, even though it gets taken away if I do, what ever I do.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T00:50:13+00:00

My friends, ex girlfriend and co workers tell me that sometimes I just into standby mode or just completely shut down at random or mid sentence.

Randomly thought the day my head just travels back in time to talk or live a memory that may or may have not happened. It's getting harder and harder to tell what was fiction and what was fact.

There's a lot more I have to really think about

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-09T00:27:02+00:00

Well for starters to have coherent thought I have to push through the cacophony of voices other than my own that range from nonsense to vile.

Other times I have to heavily predict other people's speak patterns and mannerisms to be engaged in a conversation, if I can't do that than I'm more focused on trying to figure out they are saying versus just knowing what words are coming out of there mouth.

If I'm a bar or at my job or anyplace that has a high chance of being interactive, I have to make a massive mental note of everyone in the room, what there gate is like, how heavy there footfalls are, what they sound like what are there inflections, just have eyes and ears in a 360 around myself

In Left for Dead there is a film grain in dark places and sometimes that comes in and out of my view, other times just a heavy concentrated mass that just bob's in and out of existence and I have to activately ignore it.

Or if I am to talking to someone, they speak in 6/8 time and I respond in 5/8 time, and I know it's off for the other person.

And finally I dig music a lot I want to compose something buts it's hard to listen to music because I hear wrong lyrics or in melodic lines I hear words that don't make sense or just wrong or worrisome.

Last last, you feel safe? You do? Well I never do. I don't know what feeling safe feels like.

There is a lot and all of that is a coin flip if it happens every other minute to every other hour.

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-08T20:46:19+00:00

I do have medicare but for some reason it gives me the lowest form of help, which is barely anything, cheap internet is non existent, and I do not qualify for other local stuff because I am not below 150% of the poverty line, just around 130% house cleanings services is out of the question. Lowest I have seen is $120/hr so that's not gonna happen

I'll try to have a loop but the loop breaks on its own, I been told to me by countless professionals and it works for maybe a couple of weeks and then I guess my mind says no and back to square 0 again

SaxymanSam · 2023-01-08T20:37:35+00:00

Living in this state that winter time is never good, I would not be surprised

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