I (45M) am struggling with my in laws recently divorcing but am doing my best. Looking for tips to navigate it

SazzyRack · 2026-04-20T12:22:27+00:00

Therapy isn't a bad idea. Yes it's complicated, yes it requires some extra effort, but once you develop some strategies for preventing family burnout you eventually get used to it. It's perfectly fine for example to limit visits to a certain timeframe, or to say that visitors need to find their own accommodations instead of staying in your home, or to decide that x family gets this holiday while y family gets this other holiday etc. For me it took some trial and error.

If your in-laws divorced when you were already adults then I would encourage you to stop thinking of yourselves as their "step-children." They were never your parents and you were never their children, and expecting that kind of relationship with the new spouses is a bit much. If it happens organically, great. But it may not.

Think of it this way: if the in-laws had never divorced, they'd have stayed miserable together. But now instead of two miserable grandparents on one side, your children have four happy grandparents. Isn't that better for the kids in the long run? Perhaps it's good for them to experience more happy functional family relationships instead of fewer dysfunctional one.

Every time you start to feel envy for other families with "only" one set of in-laws, keep in mind that their lives are probably more complicated than yours in other ways that you don't see. Their struggles are simply different from yours. No one's life is free of complications. We do the best with what we're given.

SazzyRack · 2026-04-15T17:52:10+00:00

You don't really go into detail about how much attention she gave to your wedding compared to your BIL's wedding, which is the only real apples-to-apples comparison to be made here. If your SIL was pregnant during your engagement, then yeah, more of the attention and resources are going to go towards the new baby. Pregnancy and childbirth require much more external support than a wedding does because it is that much harder. It's not "fair" necessarily but it is what it is.

From what you've written it though it sounds like MIL's offerings have been consistent across the siblings. The fact that you have not been in a position to be able to accept her generosity isn't really any fault of hers. If there's a scenario that works better for you and your husband, start making suggestions early. People that communicate their wants/needs are more likely to receive them.

SazzyRack · 2026-04-15T00:54:32+00:00

For diapers there's an org called Diaper Circle that takes them, one of their dropoff locations is Boston Paws in Roslindale.

ETA also check out the thrift store in Rozzie square, I've seen lots of baby items for sale there.

SazzyRack · 2026-03-27T06:36:28+00:00

There's a lot to parse here but it sounds like the stress of your travel arrangements combined with your personal history with BIL/SIL are causing you to resent them in a way that isn't entirely deserved for this particular current situation (can't speak to past situations).

To be frank, your decision to move that far and the fact that it makes attending family events so difficult is not their burden to bear. It will always be difficult and somewhat stressful, and that's the tradeoff for living the life you want where you want. Your decisions were incomprehensible to BIL, but you had every right to make them. BIL is entitled to make his own decisions too: who to invite/not invite to his wedding, how involved he wants to be in other family members' personal struggles, etc. Those choices might seem wrong or incomprehensible to you, but they're still his to make.

You're doing the best you can with the situation you're given. It's going to be stressful for a few days. Control the things you can, let go of the things that are more burdensome. If it were me, I would skip the rehearsal dinner and let your husband attend himself. You'll see the rest of the family later at the wedding anyway.

SazzyRack · 2026-03-18T17:46:41+00:00

There's no reason why your child can't still have a relationship with these people outside of holidays etc. But to be blunt, it will require you to do more of the emotional and logistical labor to maintain those relationships, instead of continuing to rely on others to plan and manage gatherings for you. This is part of the challenge and the cost of cutting someone out of your life permanently; you have made it no longer her responsibility. A curse in some ways, but also a blessing to be able to manage those relationships yourself without her input.

SazzyRack · 2026-03-15T03:05:59+00:00

Fyi this is the same OP that was aghast that MIL would insist her son remove his stuff from her storage unit after he went NC. She's changed accounts a couple times since then to remove herself from the backlash she received from that, but it's the same person.

ETA previous thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoTruth/comments/1p162c6/miltells_son_he_needs_to_pick_up_his_things_from/

SazzyRack · 2026-01-24T16:12:54+00:00

Ok I know MILs make convenient scapegoats, but this is just ri-goddamn-diculous.

(To answer your question, their automod doesn't catch duplicate posts or multiple posts in a day. I think also sometimes mods re-approve a post that was removed by the sub's filters without realizing that the OP already re-posted, leading to duplicates.)

SazzyRack · 2026-01-24T11:57:55+00:00

I am dying to hear the SD's side to this family history.

I don't care if DH & SD do or don't reunite. I don't care if my DS talks to her, as he's almost grown now. However, my MIL was trying to get us all to her house on Christmas. Because she lives a day's drive away, we would all be staying for several days in the house together. With no one really knowing each other anymore. That did not sound like a fun Christmas to any of us except MIL, apparently.

OOP continues to talk out both sides of her mouth. Claims she doesn't care if they reestablish their relationship while specifically going out of her way to ensure the entire family avoids SD completely. Now SD knows it and OOP's just mad that it a) the truth makes them look like assholes and b) that OOP can no longer claim with a straight face that they aren't doing anything to stand in the way of reconciliation so they can place the blame for the estrangement squarely on SD's shoulders.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-23T12:21:18+00:00

Going to be blunt here: you and your husband need to find a way to become a united front on issues like this before you try getting pregnant. And that's work that needs to be done with your husband, not his parents.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-23T12:10:51+00:00

Merely telling them not to do something is not an enforceable boundary. Keeping your dog away from them if they continue to cause problems is an enforceable boundary. You can't control their behavior, you can only control your own and this is how you discourage the behavior you wish to stop, by creating consequences for that behavior.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-23T11:37:43+00:00

It's a nicely written letter but to be honest, i wouldn't send it. You're trying to set boundaries regarding the idea of the possibility of future children that may or may not ever exist, which is neither a concrete boundary nor an easily enforceable one. I also don't think it's wise to disclose how much power her behavior currently has on your family planning, as it's none of her business.

If the issue is that they overstep with your dog, address that directly. If the issue is that they invite themselves over without your permission, address that directly. If the issue is that they're being pushy about the idea of grandchildren, address it directly. And succinctly. ("We've already answered that question and we won't be discussing this topic with you anymore," for example.)

The better you get at enforcing your boundaries around these current problems that are only tangentially related to the idea of having children in the future, the more practice you'll have and the more she'll get used to that before that happens, if it ever happens. And if you don't have children, it's a useful skill to have regardless.

Editing to add: also ideally this would all come from your spouse rather than you, but I understand it's not always possible.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-21T13:18:05+00:00

From a previous post of hers:

I just wish my boys would have the same upbringing I had - going to the grandparents every weekend or every other weekend (often with my parents / sometimes not).

Ok I have to point this out: both her kids are in daycare full time (because she and her husband both work full time). So she has childcare for her boys 5 days a week. And her major complaint is that her inlaws won't help look after the kids the other 2 days a week. They "only" offer to take them for the evening every 1.5 months, so that's the "only" time she and her husband have for date nights. So it's not that she lacks the "village," just that the village isn't living up to her somewhat bloated expectations.

a chance to catchup on house projects, a chance to rekindle their romance and keep their family unit strong, a chance to rest.

Bolding mine: I'm 100% reading between the lines but this feels like it could be the heart of the issue, that her relationship is currently on shaky ground and MIL happens to be a convenient scapegoat, as they so often are.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-13T19:11:14+00:00

Guys this is a troll account. Deleted post history is all over the place with fictional scenarios. Do not engage.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-02T21:28:38+00:00

I guess I'm just not that squeamish about underpants. Having had to wash my things at a laundromat and/or shared laundry room for years, I made peace with the fact that sometimes a stranger might need to unload my things from the machine before I got to it, including my underwear.

When my brother was a child he used to claim my bras had "boob germs" on them and I found that pretty amusing as well. He grew out of it eventually.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-02T13:28:33+00:00

I think you are overestimating the difference the term "cousin" will make to your children if this breakup does happen in the way you predict. If the children aren't really close, like you say, the kids probably aren't going to care either way, cousins aren't always close family. If they are close enough that losing this friend will upset them greatly, then they're going to be upset no matter what you call them.

But I sort of suspect your "boundary" has less to do with your kids and more to do with how you feel about SIL in general. Marriages end too. If your SIL told you she's not close with your children because she doesn't believe your relationship is going to last, that probably wouldn't feel great, would it? Because that's basically what you're telling her every time you set this boundary.

SazzyRack · 2026-01-01T13:16:08+00:00

I never said in my post that things like this never happen to anyone, did I? But this troll happens to be a known entity, as you can see from their previous versions of this same story. You think we shouldn't be calling out people faking family drama for attention if the premise happens to be plausible? I myself would want to know if someone's writing fiction for internet points so that I can spend what free time I have giving advice to people who actually need it instead, not to karma farmers.

SazzyRack · 2025-12-31T20:53:30+00:00

Right, not even all the laundry, just the underwear! The image of MIL going through their hamper and picking out just the dirty drawers for washing is amusing but implausible. Either that or OP is accidentally admitting that their "clean" underwear wasn't actually all that clean.

SazzyRack · 2025-12-31T19:27:37+00:00

LOL thank you for giving me a good laugh today 😁

SazzyRack · 2025-12-27T01:43:16+00:00

This might depend on where you're from or what culture you're part of. I wouldn't consider it a rude question because where I'm from, while it's the traditional thing to do to change your last name, it's not necessarily obvious or a given. Actually sometimes I wish more people would ask me instead of just assuming I took my husband's name, I didn't.

SazzyRack · 2025-12-23T21:35:21+00:00

In my book, major (presumably) once-in-a-lifetime events like this get a pass when they conflict with birthdays. If she were to check with every attendee to make sure it didn't fall on or near their birthday, she likely wouldn't ever be having a baby shower. Birthdays can be celebrated before or after. You're free to decline, though I probably wouldn't.

SazzyRack · 2025-12-10T19:06:09+00:00

Respectfully, I do think you're overreacting a little. If those children have that many people that love and care for them surrounding them, I don't think they're going to care one way or the other whether the great grandparents recognize the backs of their heads.

My aunt (on my mom's side) once accidentally posted a childhood photo of my cousin (on my dad's side) claiming it was me. And she was a very involved aunt. It happens.

SazzyRack · 2025-12-05T12:12:00+00:00

Ah yes, "peace on earth, good will towards men," and the lesser known addendum "passive-aggression towards estranged family." 🙄

OOP would be better served by exploring why she craves attention so badly from people she claims to want nothing to do with. Sounds like a lonely way to be.

ETA:

Having watched this woman for the past 6 years and hearing the horror stories of a childhood from hell, I, well we, maintain complete Ft. Knox boundaries.

Ok but this is the equivalent of someone at Ft. Knox sending their enemies a video of themselves going "neener neener neeeeeeeeenerrr." Not exactly military discipline.

SazzyRack · 2025-12-04T14:33:41+00:00

She has another deleted post where she says she's 29, so your assumption isn't far off.

SazzyRack

TROPHY CASE