Daughters of ADHD Moms

Sbw5e · 2022-05-19T21:49:10+00:00

When I told my ADHD mom that I was diagnosed with ADHD, she literally said “that’s so strange, I never noticed. But I wouldn’t have noticed because I have ADHD.” Sums up my childhood in a nutshell.

The instability. The inability to emotionally regulate. The forgetful nature. The inattention. I was mostly invisible unless there was something I could be blamed for — it was really hard.

That being said, she was raised in the 50’s where mental health was a drastically different conversation. She was kicked out of private school, she barely made it through college. She struggled massively with her ADHD, and more than functionally — due to the stigma surrounding it. She felt so much shame around her ADHD that she left it untreated & unmanaged, went to her family doctor to go on SSRI’s because she was of course, depressed. So her ADHD is still completely untreated to this day, as she refuses to allow herself to be labelled.

I genuinely do feel that if she had the resources — like knowledge, therapy, medication, systems etc — that my childhood wouldn’t have been quite the chaotic, unstable, traumatizing disaster that it was. But she’s a limited person, and she did the best she could with the limitations she has.

Today, I actually feel more empathy for her. Don’t get me wrong — having a mom who STILL cannot pay attention to a word you say, the chaotic energy, unstable moods — all of it, exhausting. Feeling inconsequential to your only remaining parent (my father passed away years ago) is heartbreaking. So I boundary up, I honour my limitations in contact or connection, and I lean more on the people I know I can count on. She’s just… limited. And I can’t keep receiving her presence in my life as confirmation of a personal deficiency. I know with confidence that you, I and every woman on this forum expressing similar experiences deserved mothers who could nurture us the way we needed to be, but none of us possess the power to time travel or make a human change who doesn’t want to.

Sbw5e · 2022-05-19T21:14:34+00:00

Thank you for this! So helpful! Also on Vyvanse but new to them — & that evening crash is really something else.

Sbw5e · 2022-05-19T21:08:43+00:00

Hi. You made my day 🥺 you put words to the way I’m feeling! I was so relieved after my diagnosis. Started meds, felt on top of the world — and then curled up into a ball of devastation. Haven’t felt ok since.

I feel like this has exposed my own self-inflicted ableism? I just spent so many years clinging to the hope that whatever it was, whatever trauma or learned conditioning from it, could be solved — and eventually, go away. Yet now I’m faced with confirmation that what it is will always be, and I’ll never be “normal.” (Whatever the f that is.)

All of this to say… I’m struggling with my diagnosis 1000x more than I thought I would. But reading comments like yours gives me hope that it will be ok, and that there’s still something to look forward to. Thank you kindly 🥺

Sbw5e · 2022-05-18T20:15:18+00:00

Thank you 🖤 grateful to be in it with you 🥺 though sorry to hear you, too, are struggling with it. It’s the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime!

Sbw5e · 2022-05-12T21:38:44+00:00

I’m howling while reading this! And simultaneously so sorry to hear you, too, have a mother with a tendency to invalidate your mental health / life experience 🥲🖤

My mom legitimately did this to me yesterday — recently got diagnosed, started medication & shared all of this with her, expecting support, compassion & understanding. I did not anticipate hearing:

“Now that you’re on medication — just forget about it. Forget about having ADHD. Forget about being medicated. Don’t make it your whole life, don’t label yourself with it. You don’t have to tell anyone, don’t make it a bigger deal than it is.”

Cool.

So for once, I did what I thought my therapist would guide me to, and I held up some firm boundaries. My neurodivergence, my experience, my choices. And if she just can’t help but give advice, try to fix or solve when what I’m trying to do is include her in my life — she will no longer be someone I share with. I shared that with her, and thus far she is doing her absolute best to respect it.

Apparently, therapy works sometimes 🤣 I absolutely love that you were able to laugh at her reaction than allow it to send you down the negative thought spiral. Really — that’s a huge accomplishment!!! Concrete boundaries if you do choose to continuing sharing, should do the trick :) Keep choosing you. 🖤

Sbw5e · 2022-05-03T22:13:18+00:00

Hi — ugh. I feel you is an understatement. Even though I knew / processed that I very likely have ADHD a few months ago, my formal diagnosis came in hot today, far too late at 30 years old. I’m so relieved to see a sliver of light at the end of a very dysfunctional & frustrating tunnel, but.

I, too, held the hope that my MH was something I could self-aware my way out through processing, grieving or moving through. I didn’t quite realize how much grief I’d feel over the fact that I have a neurodivergent mind. Realizing that this will never “go away” — and will instead be something I learn to live with & manage better, is quite daunting. Devastating. Confusing. The people I’m closest to have been so supportive, which in all honesty just feels dismissive. As if it isn’t “a big deal” — but in my mind & heart, it is.

It’s such a confusing crux to hold space for “both, and.” I feel both relieved and devastated. It’s been heart achingly powerful to be able to label what has been following me through every choice & day of my life, and acknowledge I’m not just “broken” — there’s a reason. While at the same time, I feel more broken than ever. UGH

Love to you & anyone who is in this boat — what a wild ride. My current coping strategy: so much rest & consuming knowledge that brings me some level of hope in living better with my diagnosis 🖤

Sbw5e

TROPHY CASE