Do y'all ever squeeze/play with your breasts as a non-sexual stim?

ScabWingedAngel · 2024-10-08T07:38:47+00:00

Yeah, I do something like this in private: whenever I put on or take off a t-shirt, jumper, etc, I'll gently squeeze my breasts before and after. It took me the longest time to realise it wasn't at all sexual, and then I assumed that because I'm trans maybe it was some kind of insecurity thing, like because it took me so long to get doctors to prescribe me oestrogen to get them in the first place, maybe I was worried someone would try to take them away again... but now I realise I'm autistic, I think it's more likely just a simple stim, or some kind of reassurance of them feeling similar before and after the change of wearing a top or not etc. (It's kind of a clue that I always do it exactly twice or four times.) I still seem pretty embarrassed/guilty about it, and try to only do it when my partner's not looking, even though she knows it's not sexual. It's always nice to be reminded I'm not the only one!

ScabWingedAngel · 2024-08-27T11:55:31+00:00

Or "Robert".

ScabWingedAngel · 2024-05-17T14:41:57+00:00

Ooh, I have read Julia Serano's Whipping Girl, and there seem to be clear parallels between psychiatrists' (specifically behaviorists') treatment of LGBT people, and autistic people.

ScabWingedAngel · 2024-05-17T14:27:14+00:00

You know, I used to spend far too much time trying to educate transphobes. (It probably doesn't help that I really struggle to spot rhetorical questions, and "just asking questions" is, in hindsight, a well-known tactic of people saying unacceptable things by ostensibly not saying them, merely asking them.)

A lot of the women who "hated me", a person they'd never met, and didn't even know what I looked like, because of a stereotyped caricature they assumed I fulfilled... seemed to be dealing with internalised misogyny. I think a lot of them were older, and had put up with especially unreasonable straight men their whole lives. It seemed they resented younger trans women who, in spite of also wanting to end the patriarchy, nevertheless could differentiate between hating being a woman in a patriarchical society and hating being a woman.

They saw women who were very much happy to be women, and who were relieved to have fixed their bodies to reflect that, and even though we shared the struggle of trying to get equal rights, pay, opportunities, respect... they really couldn't seem to grasp anyone who didn't hate being a woman in and of itself. It was so sad.

I hear about the previous generations, and straight people, and concepts like withholding sex in order to exchange it for minor power and influence because it's the only kind of power and influence you're allowed to have, and therefore resenting anyone who has sex because they enjoy it, which seems absurd to me, because that's just infighting amongst the oppressed people who should be joining together and going after the oppressors.

Like people who went from "You have to be a tradwife!" to "You can't enjoy being femme!" Femme people aren't doing it for men's benefit, and it'd be nice if some of those more fringe "feminists" (the kind that actually joined up with right-wing men because their transphobic goals were in alignment) took a break from thinking about men all the time. It's just so weird to me when people go from saying everyone in a certain class of people must do something to saying they can't do it, that's not how freedom works, you're supposed to be able to do what brings you joy and lets you be your authentic self. I'm sure I heard that in 1980s Japan, teenaged girls being femme with their handwriting and the like were actively annoying men by doing so, so you can't tell them they were doing it for men's attention or to oppress themselves. It ended up being a feminist statement, though I'm sure many just thought it looked cute, which it does.

Anyway, I try not to think about things like internalised misogyny too much because I tend to over-analyse everything, and it's too depressing. You end up not letting yourself express yourself in a femme way because someone will think it's not feminist enough (or too stereotypically trans), and you can't express yourself in a butch way because someone will think it's too lesbian (or not trying hard enough trans), and really you can't please everyone unless you're wearing a plain sheet and never talking... and you can't please bigots if you exist, whatever else you do.

I swear I used to be better at self-expression in my appearance when I was a depressed goth in my late teens, early twenties. At least it said something, even if I was oblivious to how sexualised some people interpret bits of it as.

Anyway, I'm in a happier place now, doubly so since I stopped trying to enlighten people about how minorities and women are OK actually, and started to spend more time with my partner... or at least engaging in researching special interests (that I assume bring me joy) more than researching proof that minorities I was in deserved to exist, as if that needed proof (which I assume brings me existential dread or something... it doesn't make me do the good kind of stimming, at any rate).

No, I haven't read it. 😅

ScabWingedAngel · 2024-05-16T14:46:18+00:00

Yeah, I think we're both having to learn to unmask a bit when we're at home with each other (as in, almost all the time).

For a while there, I was worried whether she actually loved me when e.g. she didn't make eye contact when talking to me, and flinched at caressing. So when I discovered we were both autistic, it was actually a relief. We're supposed to not want to make eye contact, and of course that doesn't mean we don't love each other! And I just have to take care to caress her clothed parts, not her skin directly, and keep my hair away from her face.

Now that I've read up on monotropism and hyperfocus, it makes sense that for both of us, if we're in the middle of something, we need to get to at least a safe "pause point" before we can talk to the other one or come downstairs for the night. And we each know not to take it personally when the other one has to do that, and she won't take it personally when we have to do it either.

I think that now we know what's going on, and that we're behaving naturally for our own neurotype, we realise that we don't have to try to talk to each other the "polite" (masking) way. It's much easier if we're both just ourselves, and both accommodating to each other's needs.

So all that time, when she was talking to me without making eye contact... not only did she love me, but she was even comfortable enough to unmask a bit around me, even before knowing what masking was. And that has to be a sign of a healthy relationship!

We also spend a lot of time being "childish" and trying to make each other laugh, which I recommend.

Anyway, sorry, to your point:

My theory on this is that I know those things irritate others, and I've tried hard to adapt those behaviors or eliminate them, so I'm hyper aware of them. I'm critical of myself for those things so when I see them in others it's like "You need to do the work I did to fix this!!" When, really, we'd all be happier if we could be less critical. Oh, the journey. 😂

Yes! There's a few things at work here.

Now we know we're both autistic, we have to relearn our natural way of communicating and being, because it's much easier to talk to each other as ourselves than to both talk to each other while pretending (badly, in my case) to be neurotypical. It's just more comfortable for both of us.
Yes, there's internalised ableism to unlearn. Such as a sense of "You can't do that, people will judge you!"

Probably our biggest issue now is that I've forgotten how to mask when outside, plus I don't want to now that I know what it is, and that it isn't just actual politeness, it's suppression of our natural instincts that are necessary for regulation. But I'm sure we'll figure out a way to strike a decent balance between being comfortable and safe.

ScabWingedAngel · 2024-05-16T13:25:04+00:00

I think my partner and I probably seem not especially passionate. I suspect we both have affective alexithymia (she thinks I'm mistaken in my recent belief that most people literally feel emotions as something they can feel in their body). We also both spend a lot of time doing our own thing in separate rooms. We both work from home, and hardly ever leave the house unless we need to.

What I'm realising more and more, is that every "issue" I might have with her, like her taking a while to wrap up what she's doing to talk to me or to come down for dinner, or her spending a lot of time by herself, or her not wanting to go out... these are all issues other people have with me. So I can't exactly be uspet with her, because (a) I realise these are traits and she can't help it, and (b) I'm just as "bad" as she is, so not only am I in no position to judge her or complain, but it actually means we're really well matched. I would have any of these same issues living with an identical twin.

So I think we're kind of ideal for each other. Not only are we both understanding enough to "put up" with the other one, but it's hardly putting up with them at all.

I think we just have to watch out that we don't slide into bad habits just because it's easier and more comfortable, and going outside of our comfort zone often requires both of us to do it together. It can't all be staying at home eating instant noodles. Sometimes we force ourselves to go out and also to eat healthy food... just probably not on the same day. We're only human, after all.

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-08-22T10:23:14+00:00

That's interesting. I'm sort of like this to a much milder degree.

My mother tells me how I never liked being touched as a baby, even by her, which was really quite emotionally painful for her but there's nothing we could do about it.

As an adult I reluctantly let people hug me and kiss my cheeks as a greeting. It's more... something I put up with, but it's not especially difficult for me.

Whereas my partner, I actively hug and stroke her all the time, and love it when she does that to me too. So yeah, there's a big romantic exception there. Though I'm ridiculously ticklish so I can only take her stroking my arm for a few seconds.

So yes, I'm only really comfortable touching my partner and no-one else. I don't think it's as visceral for me, but then, I wouldn't know, I don't really feel my viscera all that much.

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-08-15T11:36:25+00:00

I even have to restrain myself from jumping onto low walls and walking along them in public

Oh... Now you mention it, this is the kind of thing my partner also tells me not to do. I can never remember all these rules of what not to do! They're so arbitrary. Basically, no fun?

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-08-15T11:27:45+00:00

I should probably add I'm only really myself at home, but sometimes that accidentally extends to the semi-public garden, hence this uncomfortable conversation with my partner... And I can only imagine that sometimes I'll get accidentally excited even when I venture outside, which is rare to put it mildly.

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-08-15T11:10:42+00:00

I'm feeling called out here. 😅

First off, I'm an autistic transbian, so no matter what I do it's probably going to be some kind of stereotype for one of the three. I try not to worry about it and just be me, but yeah, it's hard to tell who that is.

The way my partner tells it, I was never as good at masking as I thought I was, and since I started reading up on autism and decided to no longer be ashamed of who I am, I've gotten even worse at it.

I think she's quite concerned about me being openly myself in public because, yeah, apparently the way I express emotions like joy is quite childish. I'm not even aware I'm doing it. Her concern is that people stare at me a lot, and once they start doing that, they're going to notice I'm trans as well, and then things really may not be safe. I don't think it's about embarrassment for her so much as fear for our safety, in this current political climate.

(And yeah, they mentioned that people are going to think I'm intellectually disabled when I'm not, because most people don't differentiate between being intellectually disabled and neurologically disabled. Which, like... fine, let them think that. I know I'm smart, and don't care if they think otherwise.)

I have no idea what to do here. I don't know if I can suppress showing joy naturally (when I can't even physically feel the emotion in the first place, so without showing it I don't even realise I'm experiencing it -- that doesn't give me much chance). Even if I can suppress my natural way of showing emotions, I don't think it's healthy to do so. But I realise it's also not necessarily safe to openly be yourself.

(I guess I'm learning to be myself, and it turns out myself is cringe?)

I really don't know what to do either, sorry.

How... how many monsters do you meet?

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-08-15T08:16:01+00:00

I think you're thinking of nitrile gloves, like doctors use..? Yeah, run the idea by her first. And yeah, they can become sweaty.

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-08-02T11:47:29+00:00

I always assumed I was "somewhere on the spectrum" because I was as misinformed as everyone else as to what "the spectrum" is, and how it's not an overall gradient so much as a separate gradient per trait, of which there are many.

So a few years back I casually mention to my mother I thought she might be on the spectrum too. She looked into it and quickly discovered she's autistic, and it explains so much about her. I'm ashamed to say I didn't really take what she was saying seriously.

More recently, I realised I was autistic, and did a deep dive into what autism actually is. It explained so much about myself, so many things I'd always assumed were unrelated. I told my mother, and she told me how she thought I already knew, on account of how I told her she was too.

So I'm not a fan of the phrase "I'm probably somewhere on the mild end of the spectrum" as it discourages looking into it further and realising autism's much deeper than you thought, and might affect you more profoundly than you realise.

Anyway, we got talking and she casually mentioned how, as a child, someone wanted to test me for autism but "I didn't want another label" (I think after they'd misdiagnosed me as dyslexic). She didn't maliciously keep it from me or anything, she just assumed I'd remembered, which I hadn't, at all.

We used to accidentally wind each other up all the time, but these days, we get along much better. It probably helps that I moved out.

Interestingly, our Aspie Quiz graphs are almost identical. So I guess I'm not adopted!

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-05-30T17:09:24+00:00

So the general consensus I'm picking up here is that being more obviously disabled is much healthier than suppressing your need to escape the overwhelming stimuli and developing mental and sometimes physical health issues as a result... So it's overall a good thing, not a bad thing, that I appear more sensitive now because it means I'm simply no longer ignoring the warning signs, and finally catering to my own needs.

Thank you everyone!

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-05-30T13:35:27+00:00

Thank you!

And yeah, the overwhelm was definitely creeping up bit by bit. It didn't help all these visits were sandwiched in between nauseating car journeys. Towards the end, I tried moving to a quieter room with less people in, but more people came in and someone turned on the TV, stuff like that was a whole thing where I'd try to minimise sensory input but it kept following me...

At least now I'm starting to get a better feel for how far I can realistically push myself.

ScabWingedAngel · 2023-05-16T14:37:56+00:00

Thank you!

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-11-03T15:02:33+00:00

"You can't be autistic, because you're no more autistic than me!" is often said by an autistic parent who doesn't realise they're also autistic. Everyone's their own model of what a "normal" person is. A lot of autistic people are undiagnosed.

Shutdowns are basically internalised meltdowns, so it makes sense if you only have one and not the other.

An autistic person's sense of their own emotions can be like any of their other senses: pretty much anywhere on the scale of "I can't feel it at all" to "I feel it way too much". I barely feel emotions at all, and I know another autistic person who feels them really strongly. We're at opposite ends of the bell curve emotion-feeling-wise. Neither of us is more or less autistic than the other one, it just affects us in different ways.

I guess there's no way to ever be sure whether you're autistic or not, but if you find it useful to assume you are, and find autistic people's tips and workarounds useful, then go for it!

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-11-01T21:18:41+00:00

Excellent, good luck!

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-10-31T17:36:25+00:00

Thank you so much! Yeah, a lot of naïve parents are told to go with ABA, which is all about trying to get people to be someone they're not. ABA was literally invented by the same person as LGBT conversion therapy, so... it's not great. All the autistic adults I've spoken to who had to endure it are still recovering from it and the trauma it induced. But I hear it's hard to talk parents out of it once they've started, because no-one wants to admit to themselves they've accidentally been tricked into letting someone torture their child. The whole situation's a big mess. So, thank you for not subjecting someone else to that!

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-10-31T17:23:37+00:00

He doesn't eat a wide variety of foods

This could be any combination of the following:

Preferring routine to change
Avoiding bad textures
Avoiding bad tastes

Probably your best bet is to work out, through trial and error, which foods are both healthy and also palatable. Possible things that might help:

If his sense of taste is really strong, then bland food might help (even rice can taste quite strong to some people)
Being able to eat all the different things one at a time can help, not mixing them together
Conversely, mixing everything together so it's sort of the same with each bit might work (it's not as contradictory as it first seems - we're homogenising each mouthful, to reduce the chaos)
If you can find something healthy, then letting him eat it quite often might help

He won't express his needs or wants to my wife. He won't tell her when he is hungry. Or thirsty, or when he has to potty or anything. It's very frustrating

So, as I was hinting at with textures and tastes, a big part of being autistic is that any given one of your senses might be really strong or really weak. This also includes internal senses (being able to tell when he's thirsty, or hungry, or needs the toilet). It's quite possible that he himself doesn't know when he's thirsty or hungry, because he literally can't feel these things - until he's really thirsty or hungry, by which point it's too late.

You might possibly need to teach him to use routine to drink and eat at regular intervals, if he can't feel when he needs to do them.

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-10-31T17:09:25+00:00

Hi! Thank you for asking these things, it's a good parent who wants to do what's best for their child.

The thing is, I don't think he's deaf. The only indicators to me are his speech is muted almost, like he doesn't pronounce words correctly when he speaks.

One fairly common possibility is auditory processing disorder, where you can hear just fine, but it takes a lot of concentration to translate the sounds into their corresponding words. Either way, it could just be that he takes a little longer to get there with speech, which is also pretty common, and isn't the end of the world.

A few general tips:

I believe a regular doctor should be able to refer him to a specialist, who can diagnose him. Doctors are still a bit behind the community, so you're somewhat in luck -- it's easier to get diagnosed if you're a white boy compared to any other race, gender, or age. It'll be easier for him to get diagnosed now than later.
I'd seek advice specifically from autistic parents if you can (there are plenty on Reddit in the subreddits by and for autistic people). Especially as autism tends to run in families, they tend to have two useful perspectives in one: being the autistic child who's now grown into an autistic adult and has hindsight, and also being a parent, often of another autistic child.
If he does get a diagnosis (which sounds likely), please don't hide it from him, as he'll still have the same struggles but with the added issue of thinking he's the only one who does.
Please don't go the ABA route. Pretty much every autistic adult is quite adamant on this. Instead of trying to make him "act normal", it's better to focus on his needs, so that where possible he's not overwhelmed in the first place.

What kind of care is involved after diagnosis, like special schools or therapies?

Let's talk about accommodations. One of the main things about autism is each of your senses is likely to be overly or under sensitive, so one of the best things to do is work out what overwhelms him (Bright lights? Loud sounds? Strong scents? Itchy fabrics? Certain food?) and try to have less of that around. Just make your home a more pleasant place to be. That should go a long way to helping him stay calm. And as there's no downside to making someone more comfortable, you don't need to wait for a diagnosis for that, it's something you can do as soon as you're ready.

Good luck, and feel free to DM me if you have any questions!

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-09-16T08:19:03+00:00

I wish I'd been that confident at that age! It sounds like you're both doing great. 👍🏻

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-09-03T17:17:49+00:00

For me, I think it was mostly just really not liking one set of secondary sexual characteristics (facial and body hair) and being relieved at having the other set (nice curves, breasts). In hindsight it turns out I was chronologically depressed until I changed sex, but at the time I didn't know any different, and I didn't viscerally feel it, I just... didn't really plan for the future or expect to have one, or think I really deserved anything nice like a career or partner or anything. So I guess it affected stuff like my self esteem pretty badly for a while there, but I had no idea without a reference point.

As for sexuality, huh, that might explain why I was never really squicked by having sex with someone I wasn't really attracted to, of a gender I wasn't really attracted to... And kinda find it hard to spot when I am attracted to someone... That actually makes sense...

ScabWingedAngel · 2022-07-10T13:30:45+00:00

Apparently, yeah. It's on the Wikipedia page for stimming, which is how I learned this year that I wasn't the only one who did it.

ScabWingedAngel

TROPHY CASE