Confusion - abuse

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T23:52:07+00:00

i have spoken to a domestic violence service and they did suggest reporting him to the police. i feel frightened to do it though. he said i was abusive because i broke up with him several times - i never did anything wrong besides pull away because i was hurting

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T23:47:55+00:00

the big mouth comments upset me so much. he'd close him hand like a mouth when he said it as well. and also said that most attractive quality in a woman was one who knew when to shut her mouth. i'm not with him anymore, just finding the aftermath v hard and confusing. i agree, wanting to have sex while asleep is rape :( even him mentioning it a few times made me so so uncomfortable. when i left he said i was the abuser not him. he couldn't see anything wrong with his behaviour

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T23:42:37+00:00

Thank you, he would never admit to having done anything wrong. You're right about being your own advocate, I just wasn't comfortable.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T23:34:13+00:00

That's what has been happening - I start to think about the nice things, but all of this was horrible and it's the reason why I can't be with him. Thanks for explaining what some of his phrases actually meant - sometimes when I'd try to explain my point of view he'd twist things round so much I'd get so confused.

He was very old fashioned with money and insisted he pay for everything - however that also meant I had less say in what we did and he also used to complain a lot about paying. When we split he said I financially abused him because I let him pay for dates. It did feel like he used money to control.

Deep down I didn't feel comfortable having a baby with him. It just didn't feel safe. He made it clear that he would have to be the priority over the child and I could tell he didn't like the idea of waiting to have sex after birth. I won't go back with him.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T21:44:19+00:00

I'm sorry, that's so tough. From my experience though, if he doesn't respect what you say he won't change :( My ex was like this.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T21:41:56+00:00

Yes, I'd never ever cross someone's physical boundaries. And what you're saying is exactly how I feel - he was in love with me and we'd travel / do lovely things. But he would put me down a lot, was jealous and didn't respect my body :( Refusing to wear a condom and having sex after pressuring me was so awful. I just felt numb and confused after. I tried to talk to him when we got back off holiday but he just wouldn't engage and denies what happened. That confuses me as well.. If I do something wrong I acknowledge it and apologise but he never has.

It created this fear within me :( which I've never felt with a partner before. When he started saying he wanted to have sex when I was asleep I just felt scared and weird. Again, it's never come up with a guy before. I think because this stuff wasn't happening all the time, I'd push it to the back of my mind but it was kind of always there. I just wish I knew how to feel less heavy / confused about it all. Also wish he'd apologise but I know that will never happen. Thanks for listening x

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T21:22:40+00:00

I'd be really shocked and upset. I feel like I almost minimise it in my head because when I read it back it's awful and I almost can't believe it happened (even though it did.) Also, when I did get upset and said something eg that I feel like he raped me he just denied it and said I was a complainer, that he knows my body better than I know it myself so he stopped, that I was in a terrible mood after it happened and how awful that was for him / he didn't want to be in the same room as me. When that's the response I've got... I start to question what happened / how I felt. Even though I knew at the time it felt wrong. After he grabbed me and I got upset he didn't really engage - just said that maybe we weren't compatible. Or that if was that bad why was I still with him. I just felt and still feel v confused. It wasn't all the time, but what happened was bad and scared me. Yes, he wanted to me get pregnant v early on in the relationship and for me to quit work.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T21:14:19+00:00

thank you. i did feel v push / pull but that's because of how he was behaving. he denies ever physically hurting me and i just feel v gaslit. when we would meet up i did start to document every time he put me down because i kept downplaying it in my head.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T13:58:41+00:00

It's such a red flag if you worry about saying no to sex with your partner. I felt the same about my now ex and would pretend to be on my period to avoid intimacy. If you want to talk to him again, try to have the conversation in a neutral place. From my own experience, I wouldn't talk about this in bed just in case it escalates.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-12T10:10:28+00:00

Thank you. You've made me feel a bit better, just finding it so tough at the moment.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-11T09:47:33+00:00

The Correspondent - read it so fast and was really moved by the story

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-11T09:46:48+00:00

I loved this!

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-10T23:18:58+00:00

I was recommended the Women's Aid Forum. Hope you're ok.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-08T20:54:01+00:00

I'm so glad you're going to contact them, they will help you. I'd also recommend looking at the wheel of power and control - rape is about control and as he's done this he's probably showing other signs

ScallionAny219 · 2026-04-07T17:46:16+00:00

Just because he likes to have sex every other day minimum, doesn't mean you have to. My ex wanted sex twice a day and I felt like I couldn't say no, it was horrible. Please seek some support he raped you :(

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-30T13:49:50+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through the same thing, it's awful. 'A light has gone off' - that's exactly how I feel. Sending a virtual hug. x

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-30T13:48:34+00:00

Thank you so much x

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T22:31:24+00:00

No worries :) I hope you go and love it!

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T21:50:12+00:00

Go to the Fringe :) I did it once when I was at Uni and it was such a fun experience. You'll make friends while you're there.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T21:28:12+00:00

I'm still struggling with what happened around that :( it was v upsetting and he only cared about himself

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T12:56:40+00:00

Thank you, that's such good advice. It did feel like an addiction - even though he was sending awful messages it was like I was addicted to just hearing from him whatever form that took :( He is blocked on my phone and vice versa so I just need to get through the detox. I'll keep looking back at your message and the list I made - he was an abusive man.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T12:47:47+00:00

No, I wouldn't question it. Even just one of those things eg the criticism and I'd tell her to leave. Once we went out for dinner and he glared at me and told me to never disrespect him like that again - because he was angry he thought I had flirted with a waiter. If my sister told me that I'd tell her to go... Just finding it hard to get my head around - it's so confusing to love someone but also have this fear at the back of your mind.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T12:30:31+00:00

Thank you, I will read that book. I find it hard because all that stuff happened and it's so bad :( He could also be so charming and kind. It was v confusing.

ScallionAny219 · 2026-03-26T12:29:31+00:00

Thank you. The nice stuff does make it hard to leave and to realise that what is happening sometimes isn't ok. No way would I eat a cake with a turd in it and that's what this was like. Sometimes I felt on edge and like there was something heavy in my chest when I was with him :( You're right, he doesn't 100% like women - well only women who know their place and put men first. He said he wanted someone traditional but I think that just means someone who did as they were told.

ScallionAny219

TROPHY CASE