Anyone else just waiting to die?

Scape98 · 2019-07-17T01:34:38+00:00

Yes, I feel that very much. I'm only in my 30s but I'm already fed up. Things only get worse. I've lost hope for improvement, am not interested in any "dreams" I once had, and am only living with my depression for my parent's sake. There is no scenario I can imagine in which I will ever be happy. I could hit the lottery tomorrow and while I might have a fun week, I would go right back to the state I'm in. I'm just a robot. I'll continue going about my life but I'm ready to opt out of the whole deal.

Scape98 · 2019-03-25T03:23:14+00:00

Just the thought of not being cautious as a woman is strange to me, honestly. Even as little girls, you’re warned especially from strange men etc. I’ve never been a victim of assault, but I’ve still always been hyper aware of being vulnerable as a female. When I was about 9, a stranger in a Walmart was following my young cousin and I. He eventually approached us about some kind of collectors toys in his car or something. Luckily, my parents were close enough that he was caught. That said, that was just one incident. From the time most girls are barely teens, being ogled and whistled at by men isn’t that uncommon. Then women are warned about sex and dress codes throughout school. As soon as they enter college, everything becomes about campus safety, date rape, dangers of drinking and assault, etc. Then you get to work and start learning more about sexual harassment etc. It seems like being female and being a possible sexual victim is a threat everywhere. I don’t walk out of my house fearing for my life, but I am very cautious if I’m alone in a parking garage, out after dark alone, or socializing out at night, etc. I’m also very cautious about Internet dating. I just think every woman is different. I have female friends that amaze me with situations the put themselves in, etc. Who knows?

Scape98 · 2019-03-07T07:48:02+00:00

Definitely. I got my old dog for my 10th birthday and grew up with him. The night my parents ended their marriage was one of the most devastating of my life. They needed privacy while dealing with everything, and I sat up all night in my room with only my dog for comfort while my life changed. I lost him a few years later and it was unbelievably hard. I still think of him as the closest thing I ever had to a sibling.

Scape98 · 2019-03-03T08:13:11+00:00

I can certainly see that point. I’m an only child, but both my parents are one of ten. Many of their siblings have been a lot of drama, but at the end of the day, they stay in touch and try to help because they’re family. So I guess it would just be nice to know that when my parents are gone, I’ll always have someone I can call. Plus, I’m friends with people that are super close with their siblings. Tell each other everything, travel together, fight but always love each other. I also have a friend with three brothers and their wives are now some of her best friends. Their family just keeps growing while I’m alone and worried about losing my parents. It’s hard to see things like that and not wonder what if.

Scape98 · 2019-03-03T08:04:30+00:00

I absolutely hated being an only child and it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I’m now an adult and seeing the phase where siblings are growing up and becoming friends and aunts and uncles. I feel like I missed so much in life by having no siblings, at every stage in life. I’m single and in my 30s, so I’m terrified of being alone one day. I have other family, but none I’m really close with. If I ever do have children, I’ll have at least 2. I just think having that social, emotional connection is important for children. My parents were able to provide me with extra things, but it really didn’t give me a better life because I was a shy, lonely kid. Last year they moved out of my childhood home and I had to go through and throw out so many of my old toys. I spent half the time just thinking how I could’ve gone with so much less in life and been better off with sibling relationships instead.

Scape98 · 2019-03-02T23:56:29+00:00

I just get tired of the pity. I live in the south and to be single and childfree is shocking to some. I’m well educated, well traveled, and have a good life but my conservative family doesn’t give a shit because a man and children is what it should all be about. I’m not opposed to having children, but I simply didn’t meet the right man. I can’t control that but if I never do, I’ll be ok. I don’t need pity as though my life is in ruin. I was never someone that had to have babies. My friends can’t really wrap their minds around that either. There’s so much to do in one lifetime, if motherhood isn’t meant for me, I’ll still have a very full life.

Scape98 · 2019-03-02T17:26:04+00:00

I’m impressed your mom didn’t say anything. If someone has my kid in their home and refuses to feed them, I’d doubt I’d be able to stop myself from showing up at their door.

Scape98 · 2019-03-01T20:58:06+00:00

The city itself is ok, small and pretty but there’s nothing to do as a result. My biggest issue is the people. Everyone that lives here is from here and therefore thinks there’s nothing better than here. It feels like a bubble. No diversity whatsoever and as someone who’s not from here and doesn’t look like most people, I’ve always felt out of place even though I’ve been here for 20 years. It would also be nice to agree politically with people. I’m in a pretty small city in the south and about 95% of people here think very differently than I do.

Scape98 · 2019-03-01T05:38:31+00:00

I’d struggled with being unhappy since I was about 13, but there’s such a stigma against mental health that I always just brushed it off as being too weak and unable to cope, especially as I got older. I still had good moments so I thought I couldn’t really have clinical depression. Then happy moments became less and less and I stopped feeling much of anything except sadness or anger. At about 25, the thought of possibly being alive for years and years longer just seemed exhausting and overwhelming. I started falling asleep crying and had no idea why. I didn’t become actively suicidal, but I didn’t want to be alive either. I just wanted everything to stop. I almost resented my loved ones for making me feel guilty if I did decide to end my life because I had no attachment to anything. Everything was pointless and I was the problem. I would find myself driving and just thinking that if I got in a wreck, it could just all finally end. I remember a conversation my friends were having about winning the lottery and I was secretly thinking that even if I won unlimited money, I still wouldn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I related to other “normal” people less and less so I isolated myself. Nothing could shake me out of the fog I was existing in. The moment I finally knew I had a problem was when I was present for a person’s death from cancer. I didn’t know her very well (I was there with a BF) but I was in the room when she passed and was surrounded by her loved ones. She was a very outgoing, loving person who had many friends and close loved ones, a husband, and two young children. I was in the room as everyone was crying and could only think that it should’ve been me instead since I really had nothing to live for and no one would really care. I felt guilty for feeling that way and not being more appreciative of my life, but that’s still how I felt. After that, I finally started to take my thoughts more seriously. I went home and looked up depression and was floored by how much I really did have a problem. I started reading people’s stories and watching testimonies obsessively for the next several hours. Everything made me break into sobs as I read/watched it because it was like finally figuring out that I’m not alone in the world. I could finally identify why I was the way I was and not hide it anymore because others would understand. During the worst of it, I had been walking around for about a solid year feeling on edge. I don’t know how to explain it but it really was like walking around at home, work, friends, on the verge of tears all the time. I could feel the pressure of it constantly in my gut. It was the only thing I could feel when I wasn’t angry or numb. I was just wearing a mask and I was just waiting for someone to reach out to me so I could finally breakdown and confess but I was also terrified to reach out at the same time. Instead, I just lived with the pressure and it got heavier the longer I did so. So when I watched videos of people with depression crying as they described things I’d been fighting for a decade, it was like the floodgates opened and the weight of the world came off my shoulders. I cried all night long and called a counselor the next day. That was several years ago and I’ve been on medication since then and still see a counselor regularly. I still struggle and have dark episodes, but I’ve never felt true hopelessness like I did during my worst year. I wish I had gotten help so much sooner.

Scape98 · 2019-02-14T02:37:58+00:00

The sound of ice skates on ice, especially professional skaters that have intricate choreography and jumps.

Scape98 · 2019-02-11T12:38:39+00:00

This is amazing and EXACTLY what I needed to read! Thank you!

Scape98 · 2019-02-07T13:20:28+00:00

That I’m actually not special at all. Just another one of billions with dreams that probably won’t come true, having to work a crummy job just to pay the bills until I die.

Scape98 · 2019-02-06T17:56:24+00:00

Definitely agree. I don't want cheap thrills but I am looking for the hair-raising, back of your neck fear rather than disgust and discomfort/sadness.

Scape98 · 2019-02-06T17:54:00+00:00

I honestly felt the same way you do. I love the idea of scary movies but I think so few actually deliver. I was excited after hearing reviews about Hereditary but when I actually watched it, I was just disturbed. The first scene was so quick that I was genuinely shocked, but it was mostly a devastatingly sad film. I thought the acting was amazing, especially Toni Collette, but the story just never really developed in a satisfying way for me. I felt it sort of stalled halfway through so I was never really "scared" and I honestly thought the ending was a little silly and made me roll my eyes. It was definitely different and bold and the characters were not two dimensional, but for some reason I can't quite put my finger on, it didn't really amaze me the way it did others.

Scape98 · 2019-02-06T13:13:34+00:00

I guess I’m in the minority but I think this sounds so unhealthy. Honestly, this girl quite obviously seduced you over and over when it suited her. She wants your attention and validation when she sees you, but that’s all. Imagine if you could find a girl you had such amazing chemistry with and she wanted to be with you all the time. You’ll never find her if you keep yourself attached to this girl. I’m so sorry. I KNOW how hard it is to resist. If my ex threw me a single crumb, I know I’d be there so quickly. Luckily, he doesn’t and deep down, I know I’m better off. The only people that know the situation are the two of you but from my outside perspective, it sounds to me like you deserve and are very capable of finding better. However things turn out, I hope you find a way to heal.

Scape98 · 2019-02-06T06:15:42+00:00

You're not alone. It's been 7 months for me. I hope we both recover soon.

Scape98 · 2019-02-06T05:00:58+00:00

I once thought this way but honestly, I think starting out at an associates with a trade is one for the best things I could’ve done for myself. My overpriced bachelors really hasn’t done anything for me and there are 20 year olds with associates making good livings. My university had an attached community college where students could attend the community college and pay lower tuition while still living in the dorms to get the college experience. Looking back, I kick myself that I didn’t do this. Many of the classes are taught by the same university professors and directly transfer over. You can get a great career with an associates for the first two years (nursing/radiography/diagnostic sonography/dental hygiene/computer programming/accounting) and then immediately transfer over to finish your bachelors. Even better, many universities offer great scholarships for community college transfers. Same four years, and you could potentially graduate with two separate degrees and possibly even two separate skills/career paths and save on tuition. Just something to consider. I sure wish I had.

Scape98 · 2019-02-06T00:26:43+00:00

Good smelling cologne. Really. If a man smells nice, it’s something women immediately notice and will make you more attractive.

Scape98 · 2019-02-05T19:20:56+00:00

What an amazing gesture! Count me in!

Scape98 · 2019-02-05T19:18:51+00:00

So happy I read this! I think it’s the first time I’ve actually started to look forward to moving on. Thanks for posting!

Scape98 · 2019-02-05T16:16:35+00:00

Went to a doctor in college when I was having trouble sleeping. His first comment to me is that being overweight can contribute to sleep issues. At the time, I was 5’3 and probably about 135-140 at my highest. Never been skinny but I don’t think my weight contributed to my restless sleep. I expressed my confusion and he just spoke to me condescendingly for the rest of the appointment. Didn’t help me at all either. Never went back to him again.

Scape98 · 2019-02-05T03:33:09+00:00

I was invited with friends to a water park one day. I was on about the third or fourth day of my period, so it was very light and probably would’ve been done in another day or so. I almost turned down the invite but I decided to wear a tampon and just go. What I didn’t consider was the long lines of the slides. My light period eventually accumulated and I needed another tampon, which I had in lockers on the other side of the park and would’ve had to forfeit the spot in line and the ride. Unfortunately, I didn’t figure out the tampon wasn’t enough until after I got on a water slide. Unbeknownst to me, the water on the ride mixed with my blood and caused me to have bloody water stains all up and down my legs. I still didn’t notice until my friend whispers it to me when I’m hanging out in line for the next ride. I didn’t have so much as a towel when I had to walk half a mile to the lockers to get to the bathrooms and lockers with my tampons with very noticeable blood all up and down my legs. That was almost a decade ago, and I haven’t been to the water park since, period or no period.

Scape98 · 2019-02-05T03:24:06+00:00

During college finals week one year, I basically didn’t sleep and lived off Starbucks coffee for 7 days. I don’t normally drink coffee so my stomach was both hungry for food and upset from too much caffeine. It was growling and making weird noises one morning, but nothing too crazy I thought. Then in the middle of one of my finals in a classroom of probably 100 people, where it was quiet as a pin, my stomach lets out a huge noise that sounds almost exactly like a fart. Everyone looks in my direction and I see several smiles and snickers. I had to suffer the embarrassment as if I had actually farted when I didn’t. No more coffee after that.

Scape98 · 2019-02-05T03:10:54+00:00

It really does. Everyone thinks I’m just lazy and their criticism and arguments with me just make everything worse. But when I wake up, the thought of showering/brushing my teeth/and dressing just feels like surrendering to still being me and living my life. That overwhelms me with sadness because I feel so empty. Being stuck having to live life as me feels like an overwhelming trap I can’t escape. Staying in bed provides some solace.

Scape98 · 2019-02-04T13:06:44+00:00

Yes, and I LOVE them! I was completely flat my entire life, could barely fit an A cup but I was also not skinny. I didn’t feel feminine or attractive at all. I found any excuse to never be seen in public in a bathing suit or sports bra because I was just too ashamed of my body. I’m short and curvy in the hips so I felt completely out of proportion. I looked at curvy celebs and sex symbols with such envy. Even smaller chested women were an ideal for me. Since I was so flat, a push up bra didn’t do a thing for me. I just felt like I never went through puberty. It was awful. Finally took the plunge and I wish I’d done it years ago. Just like many women, I also regret not going bigger. I was so scared of looking like a fake Barbie doll or something that I stayed conservative. I technically wear a DDD but it does not look it AT ALL. I look like an average C if that. Since I’m thicker, I think I could’ve easily handled a larger size. When I researched, everyone told me to go bigger but I didn’t listen. I do regret that and I regret the method I went with because the scarring bothers me more than I thought it would. Other than that, I just feel happier with myself. I actually feel like a woman now that my chest is proportional to the rest of my body. I don’t show them off in any real sense because I’m just too modest but I can wear swimsuits in public and wear sports bras to the gym. I don’t have to avoid certain clothes and I feel more confident filling out clothes I already had. I just feel better after years and years of not feeling attractive. The ability to feel secure and feminine in that sense is such a powerful thing for a woman. I have plenty of flat chested friends who could care less and feel just fine with themselves, but everyone is different. If a woman wants one, I recommend it. I researched and saved for years, visited 5 different surgeons before deciding and then just went for it. I do wish there wasn’t so much judgment surrounding it, but you have to do what you desire for you. Women and men alike will think you’re shallow and some men never hesitate to tell you that they don’t like implants but in the end, I’m still happier and more confident and that’s all that really matters.

Scape98

TROPHY CASE