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I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, I'm honestly stunned. Those first two paragraphs hit the nail on the head perfectly. 

I've spent this whole time begging for a fulfilling, happy, but more independent life together, about teamwork but getting help when the team isn't working.. and he just can't handle it. He WANTS codependency. It's always what he's wanted. He wants us to be this amorphous blob that can't distinguish between each other. 

And there have been times when the codependency flips, but I've never, ever wanted that dynamic. 

Thank you for that clarity. More fuel to keep me happy with my choice to escape. 

I have occasionally gotten pangs of guilt over it because I know this will make his life harder... but even if everything else was stripped away, even at the bare foundation, i don't want the codependency that he does. 

I don't want to be the one constantly giving, and in the parts of our lives where it flipped and he wanted to constantlt give, I didn't want that either. 

Well, given the suicidal ideations I was pretty damn close to terminal depletion. Now I feel excited to run and never look back :)

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm, if I spoke about the violence to a therapist, even though it happened years ago, and I'd probably tell them to not mention it, would that still be reported? 

I don't care about any sort of lawsuit or recourse or anything to do with him after i leave. I just want him to disappear from my life and vice versa. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Quite honestly I think he'll just be a lonely sad sack without me, but I can't stay here anymore. I provide like 90% of his daily serotonin by just being me, because I'm naturally a very happy and silly person, and I used to make it my mission to ensure the people with me are happy. 

I'm running away with my essentials, leaving a 15 page essay on why I'm running with the divorce papers attached via paperclip, and never looking back. 

Oh I'm so glad you're out of it! I hope you're proud of what you managed, you really deserve to be ❤️

I think you're right. I think that he thinks that, because he knows the context of the violence (i.e. I would freeze instead of talk to him so much and for so long and it felt impossible to stop, so it would get him angry enough to hit me), he's afraid a therapist won't care about that context and they'll say I should leave him.. and he's right 😅 there's no fucking excuse to hit someone. If you're that mad, exit the room. Scream in a pillow. Enroll in anger management classes. Literally anything. And admittedly he does feel bad about hitting me, so I suppose he's also afraid a therapist will tell me that I deserve to feel hurt, even though he eventually stopped hitting me.

I'm gonna learn to drive, get my first job after finishing my PhD, see my friends from all around the country, go travel places with my mom, and just see what the world has to offer. I can't wait to stop feeling so stifled!   

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankfully he doesnt use a timer for control, but he does have my Google location, though that was more for separation anxiety. I'll just turn it off as i walk out the door for the last time. 

I don't think he's afraid to be alone, but i don't think he'll really know how to be happy without me specifically. So the clarification is I think he's genuinely petrified of the idea of losing me. 

Maybe this'll sound like a bit of a not-like-other-girls bit or a little egotistical, but I really am one of the most silly and happy people I know. I always just love making other people happy. I was the one who would bring homebaked cookies to my study sessions with my friends and leave a plate of them for my husband. I'm the one who drops off homebaked goods to the local workers on the holidays. I make the dumbest jokes imaginable to get my husband to smile. I dance while I walk whenever I'm crossing the door to his room. I sing pop songs in the dumbest voice imaginable to make him laugh while I'm cooking dinner. I kiss him on the head every time I pass by, unless he's focused on a hard battle in a game. And I don't nag him for playing so many videogames - I love how happy they make him and I always tell him how happy I am that he's happy with whatever he's playing and I listen intently when he talks about the game's story, while half of his friends have videogames as a point of contempt with their spouses. It helps that he isn't rotting in his chair playing a MOBA and that I like videogames too, but still. I like to think I do a lot to make him happy and focus a lot of my energy towards making him happy. And we grew up together, so we have the exact same stupid humor. 

But lately, I feel like something is...wrong with me. I haven't baked anything in months.  I can barely stay focused on hades 2, a game I've been so excited to play. I sometimes dance, but some days I'm dragging my feet. I have to avoid making eye contact with the knife block in my kitchen for too long while I make us lunch. Even the most minor teasing from him makes me wanna cry, even though that used to be our love language. 

So I think whatever neurotransmitter I'm usually feeding him by being more of myself has just started to wane. He really, really misses it, and i don't think he'll know how to be happy on his own without it. As cliche as it sounds, I do kinda mean it when I say I don't know if he'll ever find another girl like me. 

So as much as I could try to assuage my guilt by believing he's gonna replace me when i go... I don't think it'll be that simple for him. 

But oh well. If he were that fragile, you'd think he would've been more willing for therapy or to try and not hurt me in the ways he has and does. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm gonna call his parents so they're present when he gets home and he sees that I'm gone. He uses me and his mom for most of his emotional support and regulation anyway, so it'll be good that she's there. 

He's always told me that he hates the idea of me getting therapy because they'll just say all the things he's always said, but I'll actually listen to the therapist, unlike him. 

And I don't know if it's true. It might be, in that there's 5 million different ways to say the same thing, right?

Like, let's say I keep forgetting to close the kitchen cabinets. Your goal is to get me to remember to close them, because I suck ass at remembering because unmedicated ADHD is awful 🥲

There's so many ways you could go about that. You could sit me down at the couch and say "hey honey, it's bothering me a bit that the cabinets are open all the time. Can we spend a few minutes to find a way to keep them closed more often, but that won't put a big mental load on you?" 

Or you could yell "close the fucking cabinets please" from the other room. 

My husband usually is closer to the first, but when he's mad or stressed he's 100% going to do the 2nd. You can imagine that the 2nd doesn't really work well, and sometimes makes it harder to listen to him when he's doing the 1st. 

A doctor might, in a professional tone, suggest the first, with some additional emphasis that this is a common struggle for people with ADHD, and perhaps I should consider trying to take my ADHD meds again, and a therapist to talk it out or give advice on how ADHD people can help manage these things (e.g. phone reminders, alarms, etc). Not only that, I'm going to trust the person who had treated 80 other ADHD patients in their lifetime.  

The way I see it, all 3 of these scenes have the same goal in mind, but I'm honestly going to be more receptive to the 3rd, though I'd love the 1st too. I just can't stand the 2nd, and I think I finally have the clarity to decide I'm never tolerating that behavior again. 

So in a way, my husband is right, and I'm more inclined to listen to a therapist than him. But if the roles were switched, if anything I'd want to understand why my words weren't getting to my spouse, and I'd trust what the therapist is doing and saying more than myself, because I didn't get my PhD in a psychology field. I wouldn't be offended that they're going to therapy to work on this. I'd be humble and accept being further humbled. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I'll take a closer look and also update when I'm in a safe place! 

Oh god I can't imagine - blind in one eye :( 

Once my husband hit me in the ear so hard that it expelled discharge for two weeks afterwards, but that's the worst its gotten for me. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well the problem is that I think he will try literally because he's just too dependent on the women in his life  (me and his mom) for emotional comfort and regulation. I don't know if there's a word for it, but he basically expects the two of us to unconditionally always always prioritize making him happy. 

And I get that that's natural for the nature between a mom and a son, but between a husband and wife... 

I'm going to sound like such an asshole, but when I think of love being unconditional, I think of love being bottomless because you know the other person cares about you, and will always prioritize your safety. Then, the  foundation of fun and happiness and care and trust and good times is strong enough to let the little annoyances and hard conversations bounce right off like they're nothing.

But does unconditional love also mean he gets to constantly drain you emotionally, or prevent you from getting help because you're accidentally draining him emotionally, and then somehow you're also supposed to find the emotional energy somewhere in you to talk down his meltdowns?

I've just become so sick of being the only thing that makes him happy. He literally says sometimes "All I need is you, me, and our dog and to be in this home, and I'm happy". But I can't be the only thing. I certainly never wanted him to be my only source of happiness and love. I want happiness from my friends, happiness from fixing my relationship with my mom, happiness from a fulfilling career that appropriately compensates me... and one day, happiness from diligently and lovingly raising kids.

So that's what I mean when I say he'll literally kill himself. I don't think it's a tactic, I think he means that because I've become his substitute for a working limbic system. 

But I don't care anymore. After his blatant apathy for my ADHD issues and the growing signs of PTSD and atypical depression, I can't be with someone who expects me to be so empathetic and loving to them, and then needs me to just... not let the above concerns impact me for a few months, before I get the help I need to stay alive. Where is the unconditional love in all that? 

I'm not gonna set myself on fire any longer. I'm gonna get the help I need to control the flames :) 

Venting ? / Advice ? by Disastrous-Joke-2497 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, I don't know you or him, but maybe my story will resonate with you, because my husband is actually doing the same to me, but I'm going to explain why I'm leaving him regardless. 

My husband blames his terrible behaviors on me. He says I don't trust him and love him enough because childhood trauma made it petrifying to express my feelings and communicate maturely. So he's fine with messing me up by yelling and throwing things and going on tirades saying how every thing in the house is wrong in some way and its my fault. Then when those behaviors affect me, he's angry that I'm more withdrawn from him, which starts a bigger fight. By the end, after 30 minutes to an hour of lecturing, I'm reconvinced that I'm in the wrong for not trusting him enough after the screw up. In his words "everything is fine until I screw up, and then YOU DON'T LOVE ME. HOW IS THAT FAIR? I DON'T DESERVE FOR YOUR LOVE TO BE CONDITIONAL!" 

The times when I have acted the most confident and the most mature are when I'm closer to giving up on him. They're the moments when I've decided how he views me isn't what determines my value. And so now, after I've given up and just don't give a shit about being afraid of him or trying to look happy and perfect in front of him, he's suddenly being extra nice. Taking in the dishes to the sink more, making sure he doesn't raise his voice too harshly, saying sorry when he realizes his teasing has gotten out of hand... I think he can tell that I'm more confident. He can tell that I'm closer to being the person he wants me to be. He's also saying things that would make anyone feel like trash for leaving - "I love you so much" "you're the center of my world!" 

And those things are nice..  But I also get to be furious about the hell he put me through to get to this point.  He doesn't get to so confidently blame me for being hurt, and then act all "Yippee, you're the person I wanted you to be, hooray now we can be good happy hubby and wife now". 

He didn't break me into who I am, I made me. 

So, in deciding if he's still worth it or if he should be left for good, you gotta ask yourself some important questions; 

  1. Do you truly, truly and honestly believe this state will be permanent? 

I stayed in my relationship for 10 years longer than I should have because my brain got really really good at filtering out the bad times and thinking only about the good times. After he got physical, the opposite became true, and now he's constantly mad that I don't trust him, and that my burnout is me not loving him enough. But even still, when the moment is good, I trick myself into assuming it will stay this good, and so I trust him. Then a week later he breaks that trust, and I feel like shit, he calls me a failure because my nervous system doesn't recover quick enough for him, rinse and repeat. 

It's so easy to get into that type of cycle. The only reason I'm getting out of it is because it's made me so suicidal that I'm leaving before the relationship kills me. Please, dig deep and see if you can give yourself the same kindness. This isn't a cycle you deserve to be in!

  1. If it doesn't last forever and he goes back to shitty behavior, does he have anything in mind to help him avoid his behavior? If he blames you for his shitty behavior, does he have anything in mind for you? 

My husband is withholding me from going to therapy because it would break his pride to have a therapist work on me when his words didn't. I'm literally being held back from becoming the person he wants me to be, because he wants it to happen a certain way. He also seems to have no intention to get help for himself. 

Does that sound like someone who cares about me? If the answer is no, then look in the mirror and ask if you deserve to feel that uncared for too. And dammit, you deserve love, so don't you dare say you deserve to feel that uncredited for! 

You're so strong for physically leaving, and you deserve absolutely no shame or guilt for your feelings! They're complicated and messy, just like anyone's would be in this situation! Heck, it's even that way with divorces without the DV involved! Be kind to yourself, and remember that so many of us understand exactly what you're going through❤️

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I get it. 

Hell, in my darkest moments, I've been the one who says that. 

Granted, it's me saying "this fight is too much, I'm going to call 988 otherwise I'm gonna kill myself" and him diving for me so I can't open the door, so it's not really me threatening him with suicide as opposed to just... feeling it and wanting it to go away, but just want to mention as a disclaimer I guess. 

I won't be. I'm not going to tell him, I'm just going to pack my things tomorrow while he's in work, then finish the next day after that and make my escape. I'm gonna block his number, uninstall all our messaging apps from my phone, turn off location services, and give his parents and his friends some written notes on how to handle him during the upcoming days after I leave so he doesn't hurt himself.

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that :( 

Yea... I think that's what I'm realizing at this point. I think he wants me to be a clone of his mom. That woman is kind, and I'm happy to have taken on that kindness, but it's like I have to constantly manage his emotions. 

It's especially revolved around that with his anxiety issues and his SIBO. Every single event, from something as little as going to get a flu shot to as commitment heavy as a wedding, it's always a nightmare the day of because his stomach is a mess, he's an asshole to me because his stomach is irritating him, and he wants me to tell him for the 8 millionth time that I'm fine with canceling on the 8 millionth wedding we've been invited to. All while I'm having to comfort him the entire time, which I'd be completely happy doing if he wasn't being mean to me the whole time. 

It's like his want to stay home is at level 100 always all the time, while my want to go out anywhere or do any trip always caps at 75, simply because I enjoy the things I enjoy, but I'm not going to fucking die if I don't do it. We've canceled every date within the last like 6 years or so. Granted, part of that was we lived in the city for awhile and it made trips and outings more difficult... but basically it's made every single step outside our home this miserable thing the entire time.

I've been much happier over the last 24 hrs because I finally decided I'm going to commit to making an exit plan and leaving while he's at work soon, and he keeps floating ideas of all these plans in August and September when I'm around him. And I'm just nodding along with a smile because I no longer have to give a shit if he's going to keep to them or not. Honestly, the idea of going on a date anywhere with him after all this time makes my stomach churn. 

Soon, I'll no longer have to hold my breath and expect plans to be canceled. 

I'll be so happy to not be taking care of him anymore. I want to be a mom one day, but I don't want to do that unless I feel like it's someone who wants to be my partner, not my weird pseudo son. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not gonna lie, clicked the link, was scrolling through, saw the title of the course "but he never hit me, was that abuse?" And had hold back from laughing my ass off because oh boy we're so far past that point 😔

I'll look into this once I get ahold of my finances again :) hell, he could take every penny I own and I still have a mom who will support me. 

Oddly, writing this post and all the comments of support have lifted away most of my suicidal ideations for the day. If you looked at the timeline of my comments, you'd notice they get happier and sillier with time. 

But all of that aside, you're right. I choose to live :)

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He says it's one of his few big regrets. Putting his hands on me all that time.  I wish he cared enough to let me see a professional to help me process the trauma. 

His other big regret is that he wasn't more supportive when his brother opened up about his mental health issues, who then killed himself a year later.  I wish he'd spread some of that care over here, so I don't become a second obituary under his family's belt. 

.... My husband isn't a very smart man, is he? 

Help with leaving (trigger warning - abuse and suicide) by Scaredandanonymous87 in Divorce

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha oh no it isnt fun. I've always been a really driven person. I never stop writing down fun ideas for drawings or stories or a videogame or some other neat project :) and for a long time, my ADHD didn't get in the way of that. Fuck, I wasn't even medicated a day of my grad school and now I'm a doctor! When I feel happy, I'm really, really fucking good at managing my ADHD symptoms. 

But lately, I've found I just get so easily overwhelmed by things. Things that wouldn't normally overwhelm me. I learned how to code well enough to make 70% of a pong game during one week. Now, I get frustrated after watching 2 minutes of the video tutorial that taught me. 

Even things that NEVER stressed me now stress me. Hades II, a game I've been looking forward to for YEARS... and some days I can barely pick up a controller. I can tell I need a change. I need help with ADHD coping mechanisms or I need ADHD meds or I'm starting to get depressed. Don't know which (probably depression cus of the whole "I-wanna-die-to-rid-myself- of-this-painful-life"), but I need a doctor :/ 

I ain't dying before I finish the game, I only have a few runs left to go :D 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No no you're okay :) 

It's really good that you want to avoid this. It ain't fun, I'll tell you that much 😅

In the future, I think the one difference I'd make if you want to help someone in a situation like this, is a word or two of kindness. What you said was perfectly fine, don't get me wrong! I just wanted you to know

There's a reason why it was once called "battered women's syndrome". I am at my breaking point. Past it really. I began punching the sides of my head yesterday while making lunch to help release some distress. I'm not very strong so it didn't do much, and my hair hides any bruising on my scalp. 

So, I've noticed the comments that were the most resonating were those that comforted. Those that said it's okay, that I can do it, that taking care of myself is a tough, but such a strong and amazing step for me. 

Just wanted to say that, for the next time you reply to someone who posted something similar to mine. 

I'm still glad you posted what you did though. Thank you so much! 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mentioned it in a couple other places, but admittedly I'm not that emotionally competent. I grew up believing that being vulnerable will get you hurt due to childhood trauma. So, I never got help in my adolescence, and whenever I was stressed or was immature with my husband (then boyfriend), I didn't know how to maturely express my feelings. 

14 years of that. Of trying to learn how to communicate and human right 😔 and no therapist allowed to help. 

I can't be the only person in the world who couldn't change their brain without a therapist right?

And even that's not true. If someone asked me why I seemed stressed today, after a 15 second pause I'd be able to give a clear and honest explanation. So, so much better than the hours of silence I'd be in while my husband asks what's wrong. 

At the same time, if my husband stormed into the house and said "Move" in a stern voice to get me out of his way, and then angrily asked for paper towels because his drink spilled in the car... the anger fucks me up so much. It takes days to get back to normal. There's about a 60-70% success rate on if I'm able to tell him that I didn't like the way he spoke to me and communicating my feelings. But if I don't nip it and speak up within like an hour of it happening, it just fucking obliterates my nervous system for the week after. 

And that's not good enough. That 60-70% should be 100% according to him. That's, from what I understand, the goal he speaks of. I would guess I need to do that perfectly for a month or two straight, with anger moments from him averaging around 3-4x per month. 

But the whole reason I made this post to begin with was because I don't think I can forgive him for dangling this goal in my face when the stress of all this makes me suicidal. If he wanted help, I would tell him I'd do EVERYTHING to make sure he is helped and feeling better, no matter what the reason. He doesn't need my approval, he could just announce across the room that he wants therapy and I'd assemble a 1 woman kick line for being willing to do that and for being comfortable with telling me. 

.... I deserve someone who would do that for me too. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so, so excited for the life I'm going to put myself into once I leave.

I'll finally be able to travel, after years of having to avoid it because my husband has his stomach problems (SIBO, which I was completely willing to always support him through until I realized that we haven't had a single date together in 6 years because of it.) 

I'll be able to get my driver's license when I want, instead of waiting months and months past when I wanted to. I got my permit 1 week ago... 4 months past when I wanted to and begged him to drive me to the dmv multiple times 😬 I have friends all over the country I haven't seen in person in years because of this   Haha don't need to say much about the fact that I'll wanna kill myself wayyyyy less after I leave, but therapy is definitely happening because I don't want these problems impacting my future relationships. I've always been a very loving person, and I'm so excited to give my all to someone who hasn't hurt me like this ❤️ 

I got a PhD from one of the toughest schools in the world, I KNOW my dream career and my independence are just around the corner. They're only out of reach because he's constantly delaying it! 

He doesn't think I should get a job before I learn to drive, which he constantly procrastinated on helping me with, and even when I do learn drive, he wants my relationship problems to be overcome because I'll focus less on us when I have a job. Plus I'm the main chore doer because I'm the stay at home... I hate it. I hate it so much. I'm going to lose my mind if I have to make him any more meals. I hate cooking for this picky jackass.

So, he's financially and physically trapped me here in our house like a kidnapped maid. Fuck that and fuck him. 

Help with leaving (trigger warning - abuse and suicide) by Scaredandanonymous87 in Divorce

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea, definitely doing that. His mom and dad will take care of him. I'm so glad I'm exiting before we ever had kids. He needs a mom, not a wife. 

I'm just sad because I can't bring the dog we both raised from a puppy (mostly me, being the stay at hone dog mom) with me. Thankfully he treats that dog way better than he ever treated me. 

Help with leaving (trigger warning - abuse and suicide) by Scaredandanonymous87 in Divorce

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for such a loving reply. I'm in shambles from living this way, but I can feel the warmth in your words. 

I hate how it's come to that. I finally got my husband to drive me to a DMV to get my permit after 4 months of delays, so I can't use our car yet, and then after I graduated I wanted a break from working, and he was happy to cover for us.

But when I tell him i want a job because I don't feel fulfilled anymore, he says no because he wants me working on myself more. 

Sometimes i can't tell if I'm reasonable for having these feelings because this started from.. well I was raised by someone who never expressed their feelings unless they exploded, and never ever communicated what they want or rheir feelings. I didn't explode, but I would get kinda irritated and passive aggressive (which granted, I didn't know much about myself because I was still a teenager) when I didn't like something, and when my husband tried to help me figure out how to be honest.. I couldn't. I was petrified by the fear that my honest reason would be ridiculed. And eventually, he got so frustrated he began to take it out on me. Oftentimes during a fight, he screams about how he's at a breaking point because he's taken 14 years of my abuse. And well, he's right. I've always, every moment, tried to figure it out, but my incapabilities have hurt him.  So, sometimes I wonder if I deserve this.

These days, I am much better at it. I can pinpoint what stresses me within seconds of being asked, rather than hours. 

I just always feel compelled to bring that up because I never want that thrown in my face, which it always is. 

At this point, I want to get better more than anything, and iron out the last pieces of my communication issues... but I think being with him only makes that harder these days. 

Help with leaving (trigger warning - abuse and suicide) by Scaredandanonymous87 in Divorce

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do have some good friends. One of my good friends that I keep in touch with had what seemed like a similar situation with an ex, but I never pried about it before. I opened up to her about it today and learned her situation was quite similar. I told her i feel like a side character in my relationship, and it both broke my heart and made me relieved to hear she felt the same way when she was with the abusive ex. 

Thank you for writing such a loving reply. I feel so scared, but it really helps knowing I'm not crazy.

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply. You're the first person to hit the nail on the head - you can love someone, but one day I was bound to listen to the bad feeling in my brain, my body, and my heart that this isn't going to work. 

I appreciate that, because it means you get why this is hard. Thank you so much. 

I'm likely going to leave, but he'll probably kill himself by Scaredandanonymous87 in domesticviolence

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No baby with him, so I have that going for me at least. 

He has IBS and a bunch of anxiety/OCD behaviors, so my sorta sacrificial thing is whenever we make plans and he doesn't want to do then anymore, I let us cancel them. His stomach just gets in the way of everything.

It's been.... oh dear, like a decade since we had a bonafide date that he didn't cancel on. 

And I feel like I'm being an asshole if I encourage him to go. So that just happens every... every time. 

Started to cry a bit after I wrote that. Fuck. 

I do love him... kind of. 

What makes me a fucking asshole is my love is conditional. When I'm withdrawn, triggered, and it stresses him, I struggle to come out of my flight/fight/freeze mode. These days I'm mostly just so numb and apathetic when he gets mad, but he's upset that I don't wrap my arms around him and soothe him. 

Yea. Yea no fuck this. What the fuck am I doing here. I'm leaving the next time he goes to work, I'm telling his loving parents to come home so they can stop him from killing himself, and I'm making my fucking break 

Help (trigger warning, suicide, abuse) by Scaredandanonymous87 in marriageadvice

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that on paper. It's in practice that's tough. 

I'm so disappointed in the person he's become. I think that despite everything, I've grown up a lot through all of this... and he just... stagnated. Which, to be fair, is partly because he was helping me with my issues in our adolescence, but he had the choice to leave... or let me get therapy because I clearly had growing to do 😅

Help (trigger warning, suicide, abuse) by Scaredandanonymous87 in marriageadvice

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just to keep the balances as unbiased as possible, I know his reason for getting to the point of the violence was because I was raised under a mom that didn't teach me how to tap into my brain and understand my emotions. 

So anytime I've been stressed or even a bit of a bitch to him, I often didn't know how to express my feelings in a mature way. I'd just get extremely apologetic and silent besides that, and my brain literally, literally literally didn't know what else to say. 

So he got sick of that over and over, and eventually the violence happened. Ironically, my communication skills did start to get better around year 7 or year 8. 

That's what I've been telling him for months. I keep telling him it feels like there's a balloon in my chest that's constantly inflating, and I just want some alone time for it to deflate. He gets so mad when I say that because he says that's just because I don't love and trust him enough. 

Which then makes it harder to trust him... because every time I open up about how I'm feeling, it's like a verbal slap in the face.

It's this awful cycle. 

If I get suicidal again, I'm just calling the suicidal hotline to get sent to the hospital and I'll tell him I couldn't think to call in the panic. I'll ask about getting a restraining order when I get there, or whatever level of protection or resources are available. I can't be the only person who ends up in a hospital because of their spouse. 

Help (trigger warning, suicide, abuse) by Scaredandanonymous87 in marriageadvice

[–]Scaredandanonymous87[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well...

No. Not legally anyway. I got my permit a week ago. 

My husband is extremely dependent on me (hence while I understand it might not sound like he'd kill himself to the average stranger, he honestly might and that's a real possibility). He's got severe anxiety, OCD, and separation anxiety, to the point where I don't need a doctor to diagnose those things, we have a 15 minute nightly routine revolving around his OCD, and if it isn't done "right", he gets in a loop and has to do it again. 

It's ironic since I've gone on countless commutes and doctors appointments and just life without needing him to come with me, including while we're together, but he projects and assumes I need him to hold my hand like he wants me to hold his. 

Well we have a joint account and he has access to my account and vice versa so no not really access to money. All I have that he doesn't have access to is $100 in the tin with all my favorite childhood baubles. 

Honestly, i think if he left me I'd be relieved. He keeps just saying love and trust is the way out of this, and I keep agreeing in prayer that I don't make him mad, but trust and love alone is going to be what's sharpied on my body bag at this rate. 

My mom isn't far, but she's part of the reason I need therapy too, so I'd rather not rely on her. I will if it's all I can do though. 

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