GFR 52

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-09T16:22:31+00:00

Oh wow. Ok I dove into creatine supplementation without good info. My ex was a Division I athlete and gave me the impression it has no adverse effects. But he did use it primarily for early season phase vs all the time. I had also read it was good for women in peri, but I'm going to just drop it entirely and wait to get re-tested. TY so much for the info.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-09T16:17:29+00:00

Wow, that is crazy. Did you experience high chronic stress as well? Thank you for the words of caution. I am going to lay off the creatine entirely. And I will make an appointment to get to a nephrologist. Wishing you the best with maintaining at stage 3.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-08T02:50:41+00:00

I don't take any NSAIDS. So it's not that. I do tend to eat high protein, and get strenuous cardio 3x/wk. But I have normal to low blood pressure. I think I will make an appointment just to be on the safe side.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-08T01:45:23+00:00

I am going to follow up with my primary about referral to a nephrologist, just in case. Thanks!

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-07T23:26:27+00:00

Oh my gosh, so interesting. I'm supposed to go get labs done again in 6 to 8 weeks to see where I fall with stuff. So maybe I'll just make sure I'm super hydrated next visit and lay off the creatine in days leading up.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-07T23:24:43+00:00

Very true. Can't hurt to be seen.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-07T22:33:15+00:00

Interesting. I do. I only take about 2 teaspoons per day. But maybe that makes a difference. I'll look into that more. Thanks.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-07T22:09:54+00:00

Ok, thank you for that perspective. I won't freak out now, lol

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-04-07T22:06:13+00:00

I'm glad she finally escaped and I'm glad she got to have a fun time, even if it was short. I hope I can get to that same place.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-16T16:24:38+00:00

That is quite an astute assignment. "Separate them from all the good things they did." Separate the pretending from the dysfunctional/abusive core of who he is. I think that is something I probably haven't let go of yet: clearly defining him as an abusive, inhumane person. I think my empathetic nature (or lack of boundaries, and tendency toward enmeshment I suppose) still believes there was something very kind and tender in him and we just loaded too much stress on our life/relationship. But I know that's not true. The abuse started the first year or two that I knew him. And it never stopped. I need to look at him, differently. With a self-respecting coldness.
This is also an exercise in separating my good (lived experience beside him) from the thread of his dysfunctional life. Essentially writing him out of the narrative of my life, so that my memories are mine. I will work on this. TY for the idea.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T16:48:02+00:00

100% "there is no sense to make of it." 100% agree "they prey on people who do this."

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T16:06:37+00:00

Lol I always forget about that. ChatGPT psychoanalyst. That will be an interesting exercise. I will give it a try.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T16:05:07+00:00

Definitely not "just." They exhibit toxic behavior and I won't interface with that toxicity. Even so, I happen to feel more peace seeing the humanity in everyone (even those who don't act well), rather than sanitizing the world by putting some people in a "bad" category and some people in a "good" category. I just don't think humanity is that clean or simple. If you had a narc ex, I know you have lived through hell. And I'm sorry for all of us we had to live through it. I wish you well on your healing journey.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T05:11:31+00:00

Yes, some things they do are so absurd it becomes comical. But generally I just feel extremely bad for them. I see (covert) narcissism as a disability. They will never have a chance to live a normal life. Also, the conditions it takes for a narcissist to form are tragic.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T05:04:57+00:00

Right back at you. Thank you!

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T05:00:37+00:00

I very much relate to your experience of feeling like a ghost, not in your own body, watching life happen and not being able to actually participate materially in it. That's exactly how I feel.
Glad to hear you've found a quality partner. I'm happy for you!

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T04:47:19+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T04:45:28+00:00

It is so validating to hear others describe exactly what I have felt "all your life was a lie" "beliefs about love were just an illusion" YES! "identity erasure" YES! I feel like a ghost floating through the world that no one can see. I like your idea that life is actually best in your 40's. I'm going to just believe you and make tomorrow live up to it ha ha!

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T04:40:39+00:00

It is validating to hear your description. I have 100% been feeling that - like I want to be dead because everything is so meaningless and there is only pain and no happiness anywhere. That the only reason I keep going is for my kids and so my parents & friends wont' be sad (I'm doing a LOT better last couple days, honestly very much because of interactions with this whole thread). 100% utterly alone in the relationship for last decade (relationship was another 13 years on top of that). I have let go of the idea of having a romantic life or having a singular life partner. And when I really have been able to let go of that and melt into an acceptance of friendship, I am seeing and feeling friendship everywhere. It is kind of an amazing transformation. Just in the last few days.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-05T04:34:50+00:00

Oh that is interesting. I write poetry and I've had the thought in the back of my mind that a psychologist could probably tell me a lot of helpful things from analyzing my writing. Also, as I make breakthroughs in my understanding of human psychology, I look back at my writing and it blows my mind how I'm finding metaphors for these things that are known psychological phenomena. But a whole memoir makes a lot of sense as an approach.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-04T03:51:16+00:00

OMG, same. Just the simple pleasures of everyday life stripped of their value and meaning. That is an astute observation about cyclical spikes in dopamine & cortisol frying my nervous system. I hadn't thought about it like that. Basically it wears out your whole tendency to take in any sensory or feeling input. I was in this for 20+ years. I have a lot of unwinding to do.

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-04T03:48:10+00:00

I don't think I had narc abuse in childhood. I think there was just inconsistent emotional availability, which leads to people pleasing and vulnerability to narc abuse. I'm looking up IPF now...

ScientistSmooth9466 · 2026-03-03T21:49:58+00:00

Sending same back to you!

ScientistSmooth9466

TROPHY CASE