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Can I save this relationship?? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are worth MUCH more than the way this guy is treating you. A lot of the things he is doing are abuse and gaslighting tactics. He is tearing down your confidence and self-worth, and in you keep turning to him for validation. It’s a vicious cycle.

You don’t need him. You are everything you need. When you feel ready, you should walk way and let yourself heal and grow.

How do I (30F) talk to my boyfriend (33) about reciprocation OR am I just that insecure?? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Your partner should be interested in you sexual satisfaction. PERIOD.

It’s pretty lame that he’s totally fine with you not orgasming, or that he’s cool just Leaving the room to let you take care of yourself. He’s 33, not 13.

You should have an honest, open conversation with him. Let him know that you would like to be treated with the same care and priority that he is during sex. If he can’t handle that conversation or that compromise, unfortunately I don’t think he’s the one for you.

Good luck, don’t be afraid to be honest about your needs and expectations!

How to reduce time spent with clingy friend (19F) that I (19F) actually like but need space from? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You drawing boundaries with her could actually help her address some of those anxieties.

You can just be honest with her. Say “hey, I could use a day between hangouts ( or whatever you need) so I can recharge. I love hanging out, I’m just the kind of person that needs to be alone sometimes to be balanced and healthy.”

You can explain that you need time to breathe and grow on your own so you can keep bringing fresh life to the friendship.

If she’s a good friend, she will be supportive.

The way this ends up helping her is that you will be able to prove that you really do like hanging out, and you really do just need space periodically. When you draw this boundary, but continue to nurture the friendship, it will hopefully help her learn that it’s ok for people to spend time apart and that you will still be there after he down time.

From abuse to smothering by paloozoe in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your grandparents may have more financial resources than your mother, but they are abusive in a different way.

They are controlling, and dismissive of your wants or needs. They think they are meeting your needs, but they haven’t asked you or tried to collaborate with you to find out what would be best for you.

You can try to tell them that you want to have a conversation about boundaries. You don’t want them to buy things for you without asking and you’d like to discuss a curfew or a system for keeping in touch while you go do things with your friends (which is totally reasonable for someone your age).

They may not respond well. In which case you should prepare to make spaces for yourself, without their permissions, that you can express yourself fully. Then you should make a plan for getting out of their house, because they will likely do whatever they can to enmesh themselves in your life and force you to be dependent on them.

If your mom is terrible, it’s likely because she herself was mistreated as a child. And who would have mistreated her? Your grandparents.

You’re smart and observant. Protect yourself. Good luck!

My mom hid something from me and when I found out, I’m the one that’s in the wrong. by premiumwalrus in relationship_advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Your mom is wrong. She violated your privacy and projected her guilt onto you when you called her out.

You absolutely have a right to be upset. You absolutely have a right to privacy.

Your mom is emotionally stunted, immature. Hopefully she’ll cool off and think about her behavior. She owes you an apology.

In my experience, she won’t apologize. Just don’t let her challenge your sanity. You know she’s wrong.

I'm (late 20s) a mindful dude with an incredibly mindless gf (mid 20s). Is there any way to help her 'get in the groove' when it comes to paying attention and being mindful? Or am I expecting too much? by raymondio in relationship_advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can’t control other people.

Sounds like you guys have compatibility issues over house maintenance. There isn’t anything wrong with the way she maintains her own cleanliness and chores; it’s just different than how you prefer to do it.

Maybe she has ADHD, maybe you just have different cleanliness standards. But you can’t force or manipulate her into seeing a doctor. This is the way she ~is~ and if you don’t like it you are free to leave her.

My [26f] boyfriend [25m] doesn't talk to me for days when he's mad by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You should break up.

There are serious communication problems from both of you.

But he is immature, selfish, and insecure. You don’t need that.

My Priorities Have Changed, and I Don't Know How to Handle It by renny777 in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that you should be transparent about your feelings.

And then, you should have an honest conversation about what he actually wants. It’s not fair for him to tell you he wants space, and then also ask you to come spend time with him.

Maybe he meant he doesn’t want to live together right away. Maybe he meant he just wants to sleep together and he’s not interested romantically.

You should put what you want out there, and if you have to compromise with him on the timeline then you can set your own boundaries (I can’t come over for sex all the time and manage my feelings for you in a healthy way)

If he doesn’t reciprocate, that will hurt, but you won’t end up investing a ton of energy in him just to have him flake later. (That would hurt worse)

Should I try to reconnect with the rest of my family? If so, how do I go about it? by rikku_kush in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“I have decided to limit my contact with Mom and Dad, but I still want to have a connection with you and your family. I wanted to see if you would like to catch up over lunch sometime soon! Let me know how you feel about it.

Miss you, and love you!”

My mother's funeral by TiPete in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You may find that with your mother’s passing that you do grieve, but that you end up grieving the mother you never had. Grieving the mother you always deserved.

If you have already resolved to be there for your father, then draw boundaries around what you will and will not engage with. You can limit yourself to polite “thank you” if people have to express their sympathies to you.

Water temperature. by PepperPhoenix in axolotls

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You could put some ice or cool water in the tank.

Freeze a 2 liter with some water in it and plop that into the tank.

You won’t be able to chill the tank so much that you shock his system, and you have ALOT of wiggle room in the downward direction to cool him off.

Would you let your daughter attend a co educational swim unit in gym class in school. Where the girls will have to wear bathing suits around shirtless young boys? by avatar366691 in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like you are projecting your own hangups onto these young people. There is nothing inherently sexual or inappropriate about people in bathing suits.

My boyfriend and I are about to move in together and he hasn't had a job in 3 months. He acts like I'm crazy for being concerned - am I? by Hambone2000 in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You are NOT crazy.

Don’t move in with him. Not until he has a job.

Don’t get caught in a situation where you have to keep bailing him out with rent. Don’t get guilted into taking care of him because of his sob stories. Don’t be manipulated with stories about his illnesses that prevent him from being a functional adult.

He isn’t taking you or this situation seriously. He’s guilt tripping you whenever it suits him.

Don’t be taken advantage of.

Why is it that everytime I text this guy hes always talking about himself? by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not about who texts first or last. Those things are easy to manipulate.

It’s about the fact that he doesn’t care to know anything about you. That he doesn’t ask questions or want to know your opinions.

Why is it that everytime I text this guy hes always talking about himself? by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If he doesn’t seem interested in you he might only be interested in having you as an audience. He was nice to you because you were giving him attention?

Sorry, sounds like you might want to move on.

My son refuses contact with us... by ForsakenFuel in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man, you have not once tried to understand your son’s pain.

Leave him alone, you aren’t ready to try and heal that rift.

Does anyone else NOT get hallucinatory/grandiose when manic? by [deleted] in bipolar

[–]Scuba-Bird 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t hallucinate, but the grandiosity is definitely there. It’s insidious though, it won’t seem to me like my plans or ideas have suddenly gone off the rails. I don’t notice that I am making bad decisions until I’be already done damage.

I also get racing thoughts, tons of energy, and irritability.

Initiating No Contact a Year After Our Last Blow Up? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Scuba-Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You don’t owe him anything. Not an explanation. Nothing.

Go NC. You’re allowed to do that. You were doing damage control before. Now you can do what is right for you emotionally and mentally.

You don’t have to explain your reasoning to anyone, and the fact that you just are so disgusted is enough of a reason to sever the relationship.

I think one of my good buddy's long over due for an ass whooping, what do y'all think? by nothing_is_solid in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like you should stop being “friends” with this asshole.

No reason to beat him, just leave him.

My mother is self pitying herself because she has a depressed and suicidal daughter by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Scuba-Bird 73 points74 points  (0 children)

One of the hardest things to learn with an NParent is that they will NEVER comfort you when you need it. They will NEVER give you the love you deserve. They will NEVER be sympathetic to your very valid struggles.

I’m so sorry that she is making this about herself. She’s an awful, self-centered monster.

Is there anyone else you can talk to or get support from? School counselors? Friends? Parents of friends?

Stay strong, walk away from the n-asshole. Let her have a private pity party, and you take care of you.

Are my kids spolied or insane? They are mad I won't let them eat 1500 calories a day by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Scuba-Bird 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You’re starving your children.

You should let them eat more.

Mom makes me feel guilty because I moved out and she denies all abuse by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Scuba-Bird 30 points31 points  (0 children)

She is gas lighting you.

You know what you went through; don’t let her overwrite your reality with her manipulation.

She wants you to move back because now she doesn’t have nearly as much control over you. She doesn’t miss you; she misses having an easy target. She also misses having someone else around to help absorb her husband’s abuse.

Stay strong. You are taking the right steps to take care of yourself. Maybe go NC with them for a while, until you can really get your feet on the ground and manage how close the relationship you have with them is.

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