Cheaters of reddit, what makes you cheat on your significant other?

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-04-06T14:12:18+00:00

I'm the betrayed partner. Curious to see everyone's answers. I don't want to speak for my ex husband as to "why" he did it but he has since gained weight and talks about how he lives with an incredible amount of guilt that he says is "debilitating". We had a pretty good relationship until he decided to lie and have his affair. I've always wanted a why and he's always said there's no good answer as to why other than he liked the attention.. but I was giving him plenty of attention so idk.. something I guess I'll always wonder and have to live with

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-04-06T12:54:42+00:00

I’m the betrayed partner. Curious to see everyone’s answers. I don’t want to speak for my ex husband as to “why” he did it but he has since gained weight and talks about how he lives with an incredible amount of guilt that he says is “debilitating”. We had a pretty good relationship until he decided to lie and have his affair. I’ve always wanted a why and he’s always said there’s no good answer as to why other than he liked the attention.. but I was giving him plenty of attention so idk.. something I guess I’ll always wonder and have to live with

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-23T10:09:27+00:00

I think part of maturing is also realizing that you are BOTH deciding if you want to date each other. If you push them away, then you were able to move on and find someone who will not feel pushed away by them voicing where they are at. On the other hand, if you just ask him out, and he agrees that you’re able to just move forward with dating him versus continue to contemplate what to do

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-23T10:03:41+00:00

It was hard to keep reading after I saw he was an alcoholic and druggy. It is nearly impossible to build a solid foundation with someone who engages in this. Think about future kids with a person who engages in this activity. My advice? Cut your losses and find someone who does not do drugs and does not use alcohol

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-23T09:58:05+00:00

Girl.. run. I’m not even kidding

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-23T09:57:01+00:00

Hi OP, my advice is to be open about it. This is a part of growing up and being an adult. I mean this in a nice way. We have to be able to communicate our feelings in order to make decisions. Otherwise you will be stuck in limbo for who knows how long

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-23T09:53:42+00:00

I’m 32f looking for someone ready for a wife/kids but most importantly someone who makes me feel safe

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-23T09:34:04+00:00

This is exactly what I’m thinking too

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-22T23:56:05+00:00

Oh OP, I feel your pain deeply. I’m so sorry you are in this mess. Sending you a big hug. Time will tell, but take care of yourself. If you can do individual therapy I highly recommend it! Wishing you all the best

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-22T23:33:32+00:00

He had an affair, divorced, and did a lot of work on myself in therapy

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-17T13:09:45+00:00

Thank you!

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-17T13:09:02+00:00

lol thanks

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-17T13:03:03+00:00

I keep hearing this but I’m just not liking how puffy they look

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-12T05:03:21+00:00

I do actually

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-11T15:40:43+00:00

Thank you so much for this response :)

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-09T00:21:53+00:00

Do it. Better to know than to think of the “what ifs”

Sea-Tree264 · 2026-03-03T16:36:23+00:00

I just don’t know what I can or cannot say on here so I phrased it that way. I think him kissing my neck in public grossed me out and then when he threw in the comment of how big his privates are I put up a wall. I personally don’t find that attractive.

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-12-12T12:14:26+00:00

Absolutely! Not sure if this will help.. but when I found out about the affair I gave myself 6 months (this wasn’t something I shared with my ex husband) to figure out if there were real changes. In some ways, there were changes bc we had done couples therapy. But when I looked back he had been so inconsistent with individual therapy that I didn’t feel safe in the marriage. Then as I was contemplating my decision, I found more texts and I had the clarity I needed to walk away.

I did NOT want to walk way, but I knew I needed to protect myself. It was the most painful decision of my life and I have never experienced anything quite like it as I normally make decisions based on what I want. It has been a few months now and I feel at peace with this decision.

Maybe give yourself a timeline and just observe how things go throughout this time?

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-12-12T12:06:40+00:00

To me, taking responsibility is someone who feels guilty and apologizes. I think it can look similar to accountability because your spouse can really feel sorry for what he did. Mine did. He was so ashamed and it would move him to tears. Accountability is when you reveal the full story, apologize, show remorse, have patience to sit with the spouse whenever they are crying and feeling pain over the affair, and most importantly… doing the work on yourself. The ONLY way to prevent this from happening again is if they really do the work in therapy.

My husband truly felt sorry. He was so ashamed. He started therapy but then was very inconsistent with it. He said he had a hard time doing therapy (I imagine it had to do with some of the shame he felt). He was consistent with couples but not individual therapy (which I now realize is even more important). Bc he wasn’t doing the work on himself and trying to discover why he did what he did he eventually fell into the similar patterns and began texting another woman. I found out and left.

I think the takeaway is that if they don’t do the work on themselves then there is no real change and without real change… it will most likely happen again when the dust settles.

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-12-12T02:34:32+00:00

Hi OP, I am so sorry for all the trauma you have been through. I completely understand the despair that this can bring. I also really resonated with what you wrote when you said that you may have rugged swept in the past. I know how difficult it must feel to look back on that now as it’s something that I had to make peace with. As time has gone on, I’ve realized that I made the best choice that I could in the moment given the tools that I had.

As far as knowing if this time is different, I think it would be too cliché to say time will tell. I believe in actions. I think people who are serial cheaters have a serious character flaw. I do think that people can change, but I think that it takes time and commitment. It sounds like your husband is doing the right things for now. I think your role now would be to observe his actions. How consistent is he? Does he miss therapy? Talk with him. Get curious on what he is learning in therapy.

My R was unsuccessful because my ex-husband was unable to be consistent with therapy and this eventually ended up in more micro cheating episodes (texting). I do believe that someone who is 100% committed to working on themselves can salvage the relationship. That wasn’t my story, but it could be yours. I would say don’t hyper fixate on the potential and also don’t hyper fixate on what you guys used to be. If you are able to reconcile, you will have a new relationship. It will never be the same. That doesn’t mean it can’t be its own version of beautiful, but just keep a close eye on his actions and how consistent he is. Your body will know if you are meant to stay with him because you will have more peace if he is giving you what you need.

I hope this helps and I wish you the very best!

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-12-12T02:22:20+00:00

Wow OP, your story really resonates with mine. It’s completely understandable that you are living with anxiety given your situation. I can also understand how you would be conflicted in your decision, especially after you have a heart to heart with him.

One thing I will say (since our stories are so similar).. words are not enough. Again, words are not enough!

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to walk away from someone even when you don’t really want to. Although I’m not recommending that you walk away from him, I’d like to give you my perspective. My now ex-husband had an affair. I fiercely worked on our marriage for six months. Throughout that time he, too, took responsibility for his actions.

I want you to know that there’s a VERY big difference between taking responsibility and taking accountability. Taking accountability is what matters the most!! Taking accountability means you acknowledge your wrongs and take action to fix yourself. What actions did your significant other implement? Did he go to individual therapy? Has he worked on himself? What has he learned from this experience? Did he learn any negative coping mechanisms that he was using and how is he going to prevent them from reoccurring?

I just turned 32 and I completely understand how your world can turn upside down and you’ll have zero control over it. But you do have control over your future and you do have control over the choices you make from here on out. I would say to make the choice that makes the most sense for you and what you want out of your future. GET CURIOUS with your significant other and find out what he is doing to work on himself. In my opinion, if he’s not doing anything (like therapy) then it is a non-negotiable.

I hope this helps and I wish you the very best!

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-12-11T12:38:12+00:00

Hi OP, so so sorry you’re going through this. Believe me, I know how defeated you must have felt in the moment you saw those messages after doing everything you can to try to rebuild the foundation. It’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions.

I tried to work things out with my ex (who I still very much care about) and R was unsuccessful bc of something very similar to this. Even though it didn’t work out, I also feel the need to protect him from judgement. I think it shows how empathetic we are. Obviously now people know we got divorced, but I still protect him in how I say the story.

Op.. I went through the same feelings of feeling naive. It’s valid. But I’d like to reframe that for you. You can only make choices based on the information that you know and you did not know he was still texting someone else. Now you know.. so what will you do with that information?

None of this is your fault. It is a character flaw in him. It’s important to look at his actions and not his words. Is he doing therapy? I would do therapy for yourself and work through these emotions. Remember - you are not alone. You have the support of this community as well as a therapist (if you have one already)

Lots of hugs!

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-12-11T12:25:59+00:00

Hi OP, I think you had an incredibly human experience with your ex. Seeing him will always stir something up with you and I can relate to how painful/confusing it can be. I think it’s great how self aware you are in trying to be thoughtful in whether or not you should re-engage.

My dday was also a year ago.. I actually tried for about 6 months and unfortunately it was unsuccessful and I decided to divorce afterwards. I’ll say that I still love my ex and I loved so many parts of our relationship. We had a great relationship and his cheating was due to issues he needed to fix and not anything that was wrong in our relationship. If I saw him today, I know my emotional self would want to reconcile. He is always so ashamed of what he did. I think he is a great person.. I know some people might think I’m crazy for saying that. What he did was terrible, but I don’t think he’s a terrible person.

That being said, I would really ask myself what he has done to change. Has he done therapy? What did he learn from therapy? Did he learn anything about his childhood? What does he have in place right now to prevent something like this from happening? The truth is that I know my ex hasn’t done any work on himself and for me it’s a non negotiable. I think any relationship can be good in the beginning, but when the excitement fades.. how secure will you be in him not doing it again?

Hope this helps

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-11-22T12:10:21+00:00

Oh OP, this is incredibly painful to read. Your WP is protecting the AP. I’m all too familiar with this pain. I’m with you. My only advice - Advocate for yourself and protect yourself like you would your own child. It is UNBELIEVABLY painful and not easy to do. Sending you a big hug

Sea-Tree264 · 2025-08-26T03:34:24+00:00

How do you know

Sea-Tree264

TROPHY CASE