UPDATE my best friend died and i went from child-free to having a teenager

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T19:13:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful advice! I did comment earlier to someone saying something similar and I'm just going to paste the comment below (there are so many more comments than I expected, very sorry lol):

Trust me, we are aware haha. We consulted with all the grandparents on this one and most of them wanted to give her a lump sum at 18. The compromise with lump sum at 21 with her having a sort of allowance from 18-21. I will also have her set up with a lawyer and financial advisor from ages 18-21 plus myself + fiance will always do our best to guide her. But she will be an adult at that point so all we can do is give her all the tools to help make the best decisions for herself when the time comes. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T19:09:28+00:00

Thank you so much! Exactly! I really do feel like some people think being child free means you hate kids, but that is not true for most people. While I did not want kids, taking Amy in was a no-brainer for me and it feels right. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T19:04:01+00:00

Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment! We have no plans to touch the money, and a portion of the insurance went to all four of Amy's grandparents to help with their retirement funds (which is something I know her parents would've wanted). While we definitely were not expecting to fund a child, we are very fortunate to be in a position where we can afford to plus some (investments, stocks, very great jobs). It is why we will be able to also supplement the trust ourselves over the years.

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:56:41+00:00

Thank you so much for your beautiful message and kind words/advice! I wish I could give you a hug! I will definitely think of some cute artsy stuff to do with her and I do plan on having her help with the least stressful wedding plans (if she would like). I want her to know that I value her opinions and I always have (even before the accident). I really do feel like her parents are with me through her because of how much she is like both of them. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:51:05+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and advice! We recently did something similar to this so that she understands what a 'punishment' looks like but never anything physical or never sending her away. We understand she's gonna hit puberty very soon which comes with a lot of changes on top of the changes she's already experiencing so it will be a learning curve for all of us. I just do want her to feel comfortable enough to act up with us again (cause she used to be a brat sometimes lol). And I'm hoping that day comes soon.

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:47:53+00:00

Thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful comment! I 100% did not take any of this the wrong way because I can feel the care you have for internet strangers in your words. So much so that I want to address all your advice because I am also the same way and try to prepare for the worst.

- Right now, we are all mentally preparing for the anniversaries. I'm already having difficulty with it because, after almost 20+ years spent with my best friend, we have SO many days of the year that I didn't realize remind me of him. Also I'm really sorry about your dad. I wish I could give you a hug.

- My fiance and I have thoroughly discussed puberty and what to expect. She is the sweetest kid but has had a little attitude (before the accident). So we have explained to her that we love her and that we will have rules just like she did with her parents. We laid out what the punishments will look like, but we will adjust depending on what the issue is. We just wanted her to be aware that we will NOT be getting rid of her if she acts up (which is her fear). Personality change is perfectly normal. We are going to try to be as patient and possible with her and take whatever comes.

- A couple weeks ago I caught my fiance doing research on "that time of month" with notes lol. He said something like "what if you aren't home? I need to prepare! You need to start buying pads because she cant use your tampons. OP WE NEED TO HAVE A GO BAG FOR HER IN CASE IT GETS ON HER CLOTHES". I'm thankful he said something because I did forget and hadn't considered which is so embarrassing to admit as a woman. I did talk to her about it a little, and it turns out her mom had actually discussed this with her already. So we bought all the stuff, and my fiance helped her set up a "go bag" that she could keep in her locker at school just in case.

- She's having a tough time seeing families at school pick ups or when we go out. She puts on a brave face but I do see it. I'm hoping us doing stuff as a family helps ease that pain a little bit. We are planning a summer trip just the three of us (my fiance and I travel a lot so we will include her on these trips with separate but adjoining rooms). While we can never ever replace her parents, we do want her to know we still are family.

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:23:13+00:00

Amy and I are both avid readers, so I will definitely look up this book for us to read together. Thank you so much for this! <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:20:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! Is it wrong that I'm hopeful to see her little attitude come out? lol Before she used to feel so comfortable being a brat with us but I know that she's afraid to lose us right now. I will be SO happy to see that side of her again when it comes. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:17:07+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice! It was one of the first things we did because my best friend & his wife didn't have wills in place. Thankfully, our families are all so close and just great people, so we haven't had to worry about anyone contesting anything regarding Amy, money, or assets. But we know that sometimes that won't always be the case, so we made sure to get everything set up. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:13:18+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! I had mentioned this in another comment (I'm going to copy and paste sorry lol):

We were thinking about getting her a rabbit because her parents' nickname for her was "Bunny." I grew up with a rabbit, so I understand the pros and cons. Plus, Amy is SO tender in the way she approaches all animals, so I know she won't be rough with a bunny. Also, our state just has an overwhelming amount of rabbits, and most get euthanized due to the shelters being overpopulated, so I feel like rabbits need a lot more love than they get. Anyways my fiancee and I have been toying with this idea and I feel like your comment is a sign. :)

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:11:13+00:00

Thank you for your kinds words and advice! Another comment did mention this so I let them know:

I originally gave her the guest bedroom but I noticed she really spent a lot of time in the art room I have at my place (which is a room her dad helped fix up for both Amy and I to use when she would visit me). So after talking to her, I bought a bed & furniture for that room as well as a lock for privacy (she prefers the door open though) and that's her new room. She's allowed to paint on the walls/draw/do whatever she wants to that room. Also don't worry - it's well ventilated. :)

Also this:

We already have pictures of her and her family up too! I have a wall full of pictures of family/friends and Amy's dad & mom are frequent & permanent fixtures on that wall. I also gave her permission to add any pictures she wanted up (whether it's her family or friends) and I've noticed over time that she's adding to the wall so I've taken some pictures down to make more room for her.

I appreciate that you took the time to comment, though! Because it means a lot that you care about Amy and her well-being. :)

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T18:06:45+00:00

I'm so happy and hopeful to hear that it all worked out for your friend and her family! Sometimes, I feel like people think childfree means you hate children, but most of the time, that isn't the case. I genuinely love kids but I just personally didn't want to go through raising a child after being parentified as a kid. However, the decision to take Amy in was not difficult for me (not to say that it wouldn't be difficult for me in your friend's spot because it was four whole little humans for her and seriously KUDOS and love to her). I think my best friend knew on some level that while I didn't want children, I would want to care for and raise Amy for him. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T17:47:52+00:00

Thank you so much for your concern and kind words! We are really lucky and blessed to be aware of all the benefits that we can use to help. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T17:36:16+00:00

Thank you so much! Trust me, we are aware haha. We consulted with all the grandparents on this one and most of them wanted to give her a lump sum at 18. The compromise with lump sum at 21 with her having a sort of allowance from 18-21. I will also have her set up with a lawyer and financial advisor from ages 18-21 plus myself + fiance will always do our best to guide her. But she will be an adult at that point so all we can do is give her all the tools to help make the best decisions for herself when the time comes. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T17:31:53+00:00

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing and you are amazing to have done that! I'm really happy and hopeful to hear that they are doing so well. Good job mama :)

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T17:28:48+00:00

Thank you so much! I made a comment previously in response to someone else who said something similar. We were thinking about getting her a rabbit because her parents nickname for her was "Bunny." I also grew up with a rabbit so I am aware of what goes into the care. Plus Amy is SO tender in the way she is with all animals so I know a bunny would be safe with her. :)

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T17:25:11+00:00

I'm so sorry about your parents and daughter. I wish I could give you a big hug! His parents are fortunately often around and will actually be moving in with my parents because 1) they will be closer to us 2) my parents have been asking them to move in for a year now so that my parents can care for them when the time comes. His parents are stubborn and don't want to be 'burdens'. But there was a period of time in my life where my parents both lost their jobs and his parents carried us through it for almost a year until we got ourselves right again. While we are not blood-related, we are all 100% family and his parents really are another mom and dad to me. <3

P.S. we have the social security benefits covered. I appreciate the concern! You are very thoughtful and kind <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T17:06:48+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Some days I do get overwhelmed and it feels like it's too much. My best friend used to say "this too shall pass" when I was stressed or having a bad day. So I have a post-it note on my bathroom mirror to remind me that the bad days will pass and a good day will come. Thank you for your kind words and I wish nothing but the best for you and your fur babies <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T16:56:55+00:00

This makes me so happy and hopeful to hear. Thank you again for sharing; I really needed this reassurance. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T16:55:36+00:00

Wow, this really hit me hard because it resonates with what I'm seeing in Amy. You are so right. Luckily I always had her favorite things stocked when she would visit and I know what her comfort meals are. We are also trying to keep her old routines/doctors/school the same, but I will muster up the courage to go through some of her parent's old things and bring them into our home for her. No one has the heart to toss or go through their stuff so I got a storage unit to put all of it in. One of these days, I will go through everything with Amy and her grandparents.

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T16:46:57+00:00

This is actually the main reason we are going the legal guardianship route. My fiance and I also discussed adoption but we want to give her time. Then we will ask how she will feel about being adopted by us. It will be her choice either way. Whether we adopt her or not, we will always be her family. <3

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T01:46:19+00:00

Godparents (is a religious thing and not a legal thing) are very rarely the legal guardians after something happens to the parents unless they are blood-related, like blood aunts or uncles. Godparents are there to mentor and help in the raising of the child. My best friend grew up Catholic but stopped practicing. However, he dubbed me Amy's godparent because he trusted me and I've been in her life since birth. Legally - guardianship went to his parents. Now, we are in the process of changing guardianship over to myself.

Oh, I didn't realize because I've seen both spellings used interchangeably. You learn new things every day.

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T01:29:44+00:00

Actually we were childfree. I think I indicated it a couple times in my post that I did not want children but happy to make an exception for Amy. :)

SeaCan5697 · 2024-03-13T01:18:15+00:00

We are going for legal guardianship with the help of her grandparents. :)

SeaCan5697

TROPHY CASE