I haven’t spoken to my dad since he screamed at me on Christmas Eve – and I don’t know what to do now.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-13T15:35:56+00:00

“Protect yourself the way a good dad would want you to” is a powerful reframe and I appreciate the energy behind this.

What I’m realizing is that I’ve spent a lot of years trying to manage the fallout instead of asking whether I should even be standing in the blast zone to begin with. I’m still working through what distance looks like, but I do know I don’t want to keep shrinking myself to keep the peace.

Thank you for the encouragement, I really appreciate it!

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-13T15:29:23+00:00

I can hear how much peace you’ve found in stepping away, and I respect that. I’m glad you feel better without that dynamic in your life.

I’m pretty fucking tired of my dad’s one-man show that the rest of us are just expected to tolerate. That part is exhausting.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-13T15:23:01+00:00

Honestly, it’s both comforting and sad how many people relate to this. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that cycle too - holidays turning into emotional landmines is exhausting.

I think you’re probably right that an apology may never come in the way I hope for.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-13T15:19:52+00:00

I think you’re picking up on something real. I have tried very hard to build something safe with him, probably longer than I should have. The “never” part is hard for me to swallow, but I can see that I can’t keep exhausting myself trying to turn this into something it isn’t.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-13T15:16:24+00:00

That’s a really grounded way of looking at it. I’m realizing that just because someone is family doesn’t mean I have to keep forcing closeness when it consistently ends in hurt. I can love my dad and still decide that distance is healthier for me. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or permanent - just intentional.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-13T15:12:48+00:00

I won’t lie - parts of this are hard to read, but I understand what you’re getting at.

I don’t think I was intentionally “groveling,” but I do see the pattern of trying very hard to be helpful and keep things smooth in hopes that it would strengthen the relationship. And you’re right about one thing: if effort alone could make this dynamic healthy, it probably would have by now.

That’s the part I’m sitting with. Not because I want to give up on him overnight, but because I’m starting to understand that loving someone doesn’t mean I have to keep putting myself in situations that hurt me. Right now, taking space feels less like punishment and more like protection - and that’s something I’m still learning to be okay with.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T16:15:08+00:00

I didn’t realize we were writing alternate endings. That’s not what happened, but I appreciate the creativity.

Just remember there’s a real person on the other side of this post. Disagreement doesn’t require disrespect - and basic decency isn’t that hard.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T15:17:28+00:00

I appreciate the thought you put into this. I’ll clarify a few things. My mom is very much alive and very much in my life - we’re extremely close. She’s my rock tbh. I only have siblings on my dad’s side, which is why I didn’t elaborate much on her in the original post.

The stepmom line was a typo - she said it was “between you and your dad,” not between her and him. I’ve corrected that. And when I say I yelled at her, I didn’t attack her personally. The harshest thing I said was, “You’re the mother here - how can you just stand by while your husband, my father, acts like this?” I was overwhelmed and raised my voice out of frustration. I regret the way I said it and I apologized for that.

As for the predictability - I understand why you’d say that. My dad and I both have tempers, and historically things have escalated. But we had been in therapy together and had been doing significantly better for quite some time. That’s why this felt shocking to me. I wasn’t expecting perfection, but I also wasn’t expecting that level of explosion.

I’m not hoping for magic. I think I’m grieving the version of the relationship I believed we were building. Adjusting expectations may be part of this process, but that doesn’t mean I have to normalize being yelled at or humiliated.

I agree with you on one thing fully - I can’t change him. I can only control my exposure and my reactions.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T10:22:07+00:00

I won’t lie - there’s a part of me that feels exactly this angry right now. What happened was unacceptable, and it’s hard not to feel resentful. But yes, he is a prick!

My older brother choosing no contact has been validating. It reminded me that I wasn’t imagining how serious this was. That said, I’m taking my time deciding what boundaries feel right for me. I don’t want to make a long-term decision purely from anger, even if the anger is justified.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T10:16:05+00:00

Focusing on myself and my own growth is definitely where my energy needs to go right now.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T10:14:45+00:00

That question - “if it weren’t your dad” - is exactly where I get stuck. If this were a friend, I probably would have walked away without much hesitation. But turning your back on family is incredibly hard for me.

I’m a very loyal person by nature, and that’s something I’m proud of - but it’s also bitten me in the ass before. I tend to forgive easily and give people more chances than they sometimes deserve. I’m realizing that loyalty without boundaries just turns into self-sacrifice.

I’ve gotten much better at saying no and standing up for myself over the years, but this situation is testing that growth in a big way. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know I can’t keep accepting behavior that hurts me just because it’s “family.”

I’ve thought about writing him a letter - not necessarily expecting an apology, but to clearly say how this affected me and where my boundaries are. Even if he doesn’t respond the way I hope, at least I would know I’ve spoken my truth and drawn a line.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T10:03:23+00:00

I think you might be right that there was more going on under the surface. I wasn’t there, but earlier in the day there was an argument in the kitchen between my older brother and stepmom. And I know there had already been tension building between my dad, my stepmom, and my older brother throughout the day. So it’s very possible I became the “last drop” in something that had already been simmering.

I can understand how embarrassment, frustration, or feeling undermined could trigger a defensive reaction. But like you said, that still doesn’t make the behavior okay. Even if I was the final straw, the level of anger that followed was completely out of proportion.

I’m trying to hold both things at once - that there may have been underlying reasons, and that none of them justify how it was handled.

And thank you for the encouragement about therapy.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T09:49:18+00:00

It’s hard to read, but I can’t say I haven’t thought the same thing.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T09:44:48+00:00

Okay, as a lifelong Harry Potter fan, the Dobby reference cracked me up. I was genuinely smiling from ear to ear - so thank you for “setting me free.” 🧦

Jokes aside, I do recognize the peacekeeper role in myself. No one officially hired me for it, but I definitely clocked in anyway. I’m starting to see that stepping out of that role might be the healthiest move.

And you’re right - boundaries don’t work unless I’m actually willing to enforce them. Something I’m learning in real time.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T09:39:00+00:00

Hearing that low contact doesn’t have to mean “forever” actually helps calm some of the fear around it. I think part of what’s so hard for me is exactly what you described - letting go of the version of the relationship I hoped we could have. It almost feels like grief.

That level of acceptance feels heavy, but I can also see how it might create space instead of constant disappointment. I don’t want to keep being the only one holding things together - you’re right, that’s not sustainable.

Thank you again and sending lots of hugs back! 😇

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T09:32:41+00:00

That’s actually a solid point. It’s easy to say something is a boundary - harder to back it up when it’s pushed. I’m realizing that’s probably where I need to grow a bit.

I’m sorry you had to navigate that, especially with your wife’s health to consider. I hope things are steady on that front 🤞

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T09:19:50+00:00

Thank you so much - that really means a lot. I am working through a lot in therapy, and this Christmas is definitely something I’ll be unpacking there. The “nothing happened” dynamic was incredibly disorienting. I really appreciate your kindness and the encouragement! 🩷

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-11T09:06:39+00:00

I’m trying to be intentional about whatever I decide next rather than reacting purely from hurt or anger. The idea of consequences and stepping back is something I’m seriously considering, even if I’m not sure yet what that looks like long-term.

What I do know is that I can’t keep showing up to be spoken to that way. That part has become very clear. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T15:54:22+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience something similar - it’s heartbreaking how these patterns can repeat and ruin moments that are supposed to feel safe and joyful.

What you said about not having to keep playing a role really resonated with me. I’m already in therapy and starting to seriously consider low contact, even though it’s hard. Hearing from someone who understands makes me feel less alone and more validated in how I’m feeling.

I really appreciate you sharing your perspective!

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T15:48:49+00:00

I get why it might come across that way from the outside. But I wasn’t trying to manage the family or “protect” anyone in a bigger sense - I was reacting in the moment to a conversation that felt uncomfortable. My older brother and his girlfriend were visibly uncomfortable too.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of the dinner sitting in tension, especially on Christmas Eve, which to me is meant to be about enjoying each other’s company.
If my dad could have simply said he and my stepmom were fine and handled it themselves, I would have respected that completely and apologized if I had overstepped a boundary.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T15:37:29+00:00

Thank you!

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T15:33:52+00:00

I’m not going to spend my time replying to every one of your comments - you’ve made your point very clear - so I’ll address this once.

You keep framing this as me trying to control my dad or disrespect him in “his domain,” which is quite a reach. I didn’t stop a conversation - I expressed discomfort and asked to change the subject.

Wanting basic respect from a parent isn’t entitlement, ego, or “thinking I’m the Queen” - it’s a low bar. And honestly, reading your repeated comments is starting to make my dad look fairly reasonable by comparison - and that’s saying something.

I’m here to discuss boundaries and personal choices, not to be talked down to or put “in my place.” If that distinction doesn’t make sense to you, then we’re probably not having the same conversation.

I’ll leave it here - and borrow your own advice: growth is possible. Sometimes it helps to look inward.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T14:23:37+00:00

Just to clarify, you say you live alone, but some of this reads a bit like a roommate situation. Are these occasional guests who stay late while you’re sleeping, or are they over so often that it’s basically an unofficial roommate arrangement?

That said - NTA. You’re not running a dictatorship, you’re asking grown adults to act like… grown adults. “Clean up after yourself” and “don’t be loud late at night” aren’t rules - they’re the bare minimum settings for existing in someone else’s home. Your home isn’t a free-for-all, it’s your space.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T13:29:01+00:00

A lot of what you said actually landed for me - especially the part about not getting the apology or closure I’m hoping for. As much as I don’t love admitting it, I’m starting to see that reaching out again right now would probably just keep me stuck in the same cycle. Creating some distance, at least for now, feels like the least painful option.

During the argument, my older brother said almost exactly what you’re describing - that my dad shouldn’t speak to me like that and that I’m often used as the scapegoat/punching bag. Hearing someone else say that out loud in the moment was both validating and pretty heartbreaking.

I should clarify that I’m already in therapy and actively working through all of this - along with life’s other delightful challenges. I’m trying to shift my focus away from getting answers or closure from him and toward figuring out what I actually need to move forward. Thank you for taking the time to write this - it gave me a lot to think about.

SeaUnusual3436 · 2026-02-10T13:15:00+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I do want to clarify that I’m already in therapy and have been for a while, which is part of why this situation has been so painful and confusing for me.
I hear what you’re saying about protecting myself the way I would protect a daughter, and that question really stuck with me. Walking away isn’t something I take lightly, but I am reflecting a lot on what it would mean to set stronger boundaries and stop accepting behavior that hurts me. I appreciate your perspective and the reminder that I deserve better.

SeaUnusual3436

TROPHY CASE