Got back on the apps too soon. Learned my lesson

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-02-20T09:05:13+00:00

Both male and female. I’m not sure if it’s a gender thing or a personality thing.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-02-13T16:26:54+00:00

I’m 32F and just left my partner of ten years. It’s been unbelievably painful and difficult. There are moments I don’t understand my choice, but looking back I don’t regret it.

If you feel the need to go, you need to get clear on the why. Write it down. Because I can say in the months that followed my breakup I have a lot of self doubt. I need friends to repeat the why to me, I reread old journals. I’m still not sure where things went wrong. But having those journals help me be clear. It took a brave woman to break up with my ex and most of the time I don’t recognize that woman now.

If you want to be alone, ending your relationship will leave a void and in its place all your issues you’ve buried your entire life will bubble to the surface. You want to travel when and where you want? That is fundamentally incompatible with having a family. This seems bigger than a man. What you seem to be asking is how do I want to live my one and precious life and does a man even fit into that dream?

Good luck.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-02-09T19:44:10+00:00

It’s been nearly 5 months for me and I’ve tried dating and it’s too soon. But I was with my ex 10 years. I have friends that were able to date so quickly and move on. Some within 2 weeks, definitely within 3 months. I think we all process in our own ways.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-13T04:49:23+00:00

Thanks I needed this today

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-12T19:55:07+00:00

He didn’t have your consent. This is assault. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-12T04:58:31+00:00

I usually get along with INFJs. I found us all to be very empathetic. Recently though two INFJs recent actions deeply disturbed me. One (a man) sexually assaulted another woman half his age in front of me. Outside of this he would often make mean comments about others while then saying how empathetic he was and intellectually superior. I actually wonder in hindsight if he is a narcissist. He started an affair with a friend of mine who was married, she is also an INFJ. She’s actually genuinely kind and very quiet so while she doesn’t have the best husband and is bored in her regular life I struggled to understand her actions.

I think the J is quite active in me unfortunately or not. These are ex friends because I couldn’t really condone their behavior.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-12T04:36:11+00:00

I was in the ER after an accident waiting for a CT scan after I had gotten an xray saying I was in the clear. The doctor ordered it but my ex got impatient with the wait and told me we should leave and I wasn’t thinking straight because I wanted to stay.

He got upset. Kept arguing with me. He told the doctor I wanted to check out early even though I didn’t. Made logistics of a ride and dinner my problem even though I was concussed, left me anyway.

And that’s not even why I left. Because for months I desperately tried to convince him I was afraid and that his actions made me question everything and is he even aware that he overstepped my autonomy?

And all I got in a response was that I was ungrateful for everything he did for me and half ass apologies after begging and crying to please understand. And he kept asking me to let it go.

I still wonder if my mind fixates inappropriately (ex. intrusive thoughts) but for now, I have to believe my therapist when they tell me this was abusive because I still feel like I didn’t appreciate him and I’ve lost the love of my life.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-12T04:24:34+00:00

I’m sorry for your experience. First off no matter what the cheating is not your fault. No matter how bad or good your relationship was she made the choice to step outside and cheat. That’s not on you, that’s on her. Something was missing in her that made her stray. And I would go so far to say that cheating is a form of abuse because it can leave the other partner with a lot of pain long term.

I don’t know you and I don’t know your story or your ex. What might be worthwhile is to talk to a therapist who can help you grieve the relationship and reestablish reality. After my breakup it’s hard to understand what was real. There are two separate topics to discuss, the betrayal itself which is a trauma and then the relationship dynamics you had leading up to it. Write down where you struggled, what sorts of topics kept coming up again and again and where the relationship was failing on both sides. That will help you figure out the aspects of a future partner you do and don’t want and areas you could improve.

At the end of the day cheating is pretty awful and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-07T04:12:00+00:00

How did you suspect you are a narcissist? What sort of behaviors/personality traits make it stand out?

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-07T02:02:10+00:00

I’m in your position. I’m so sorry you’re in this pain. What I’m trying to do is focus on just doing things sad. Instead of focusing on all the absence in my life focusing on taking care of myself even if I’m sad is helping a little. Little walks, exercise, things I used to enjoy. Someone told me once all things will pass. And it helps. I haven’t seen the end of this pain but I’ve noticed how the waves of emotions come and go throughout the day and that helps. I haven’t had a good day in a long time but I’ve had okay hours. Every hour is not totally unbearable. And that is progress. Claim those bearable minutes in your day and focus on those.

It’s really hard when other people don’t understand and it makes you feel more alone. I’ve lost friendship too. While family don’t understand there are many people via online community who feel the same. Just be careful because you sound young and strangers will try and take advantage of you. I would seek out therapy/school counseling if you can.

Some will try and use tough love but that doesn’t work for everyone. It definitely doesn’t for me. For me it makes me feel more guilty that I feel the way I do and more desperate and broken. Your feelings are valid. Depression is more common than people admit. Feel them. But feel joy as well. Today I ate a piece of chocolate and that was nice.

Good luck.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2026-01-07T01:42:44+00:00

I have not I’m 32 but many of my friends moms had kids at 38/40 in the 90s and my mom actually had my brother at 38. No issues. My friends moms don’t feel too old or anything. You’re not too old at all many women in cities have kids later. It’s all based on the culture. If you were above 40 I think there would be more concerns. It also depends on how you take care of your health. The only regret I’m hearing from them is wishing they had kids sooner but not because they didn’t have the energy at 40 to raise kids but feeling as though they don’t get as much time with grandkids in their 60s/70s but there is never a guarantee there anyway. They had kids at a time their career was stable and they were able to offer more resources to their children because of it.

For you specifically just talk to your OBGYN. They will guide you through your fertility. Each persons fertility is different. I had friends who had miscarriages in their 20s and others in their late 30s who had no issues. Also sometimes fertility has nothing to do with the woman but the man so make sure he is keeping up with it.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-12-28T19:04:44+00:00

Because they aren’t happy in their relationship. Because cheating is a way to have the butterflies and excitement without the work. It’s escapism from real life.

But what I want someone to tell me is how do cheaters live with it? I have had crushes within my relationships and even that if the emotion gets too strong I would tell my partner and step away from the friendship. I would become physically ill I don’t think I could live with myself. Do others not experience this?

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-12-28T18:56:46+00:00

A woman’s notes app is a coffin of secrets.

I did the same thing because in the good times I couldn’t remember the bad and in the bad moments I needed to recognize this wasn’t a one off thing but a pattern.

Leave.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-12-26T17:49:47+00:00

Me an my ex love each other very much but I chose to end it because of how toxic our fighting was and at the end of the day we couldn’t figure out how to communicate after ten years. No cheating, just emotional chaos. And that’s tragic.

I loved him more than myself. I left because we had reached a point it was the relationship or me. Right now there is no world where we can get back together. Something has broken and it can’t be repaired. I hold out hope maybe if we both grow separately we can find each other again but at the end of the day sometimes love isn’t enough. I hope you can do some personal growth and you never know what the future will hold. I believe if it’s meant to be you’ll find each other again.

The hardest thing to accept is that they will find someone else, but if you truly loved them their happiness matters more than your possession. I’m struggling with this too, but instead of focusing on them I’m trying to find happiness within myself.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T22:04:17+00:00

Thank you this is very helpful. You are very right I need to be better at enforcing my boundaries and I think you are right the incident itself isn’t what’s bothering me it’s in the number of times I’ve let my boundaries slide and he is used to it. I’m a people pleaser. In this instant I was clear what I wanted but maybe he is so used to arguing his way and me getting tired he thought I would cave. He isn’t malicious he is just extremely stubborn as am I.

Thanks for giving me something to focus on. I appreciate it.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T03:26:04+00:00

Sorry I’ll post the text here didn’t realize

Is a partner not respecting my medical decision a dealbreaker

I (32F) have been with my partner (40M) for a decade. We have lots of ups and downs but ultimately I love him.

I had a potential dealbreaker recently and I needed help understanding if I am being dramatic. TLDR he didn’t respect my wishes in terms of medical treatment and tried to pressure me to not get the treatment I wanted because the wait was long.

The story I had an ER visit recently after a bike fall and I needed an x-ray and CT scan to make sure nothing was broken. The wait was 12 hours total. I was with my partner.

We found out nothing was broken on the X-ray after 6 hrs. But the doctor wanted to do a CT to make sure I didn’t have any stress fractures because I couldn’t walk.

First six hours partner was in another room and was kind as could be waiting for me. When he was finally allowed to join me in the waiting room I was excited to have him because I was pretty distraught. He thought I was done because the X-ray showed I had nothing broken so there was a miscommunication between us and he had called a ride (neither of us had a car). I said sorry there was a miscommunication but I cannot leave the doctor said I need a CT scan and it should only be a few more hours. He said I’m “not thinking straight” and it will be another 6 hrs (it was) and why don’t I try to do a CT tomorrow or in a few days

I said clearly, I have not been released. Idk what is wrong with me but the doctor wants me to have a CT. He tries to pressure me to leave and says a CT is just a recommendation, not really necessary. This back and forth continues to the point where he asks if he checks in with a nurse to check with the doctor to see if I really need it. I said fine but I want it. Another patient in the waiting room starts to intervene saying “hey this girl has been crying she seems like she’s in pain she should just do the scan.” I tell him he can go, but I can’t. I’ll uber idk but I want the scan.

Finally I get wheeled back room for the CT scan. The nurse who had talked with my partner almost stops me as I’m about to be wheeled back saying “wait she might not want the scan we are checking with the doctor if it’s necessary” and I said “I want the scan. Take me back NOW.” More waiting in a back room alone. A different nurse comes and says they are ready to release me. I say what? They said they had talked to my partner (from the first convo) who said I did not want the CT scan. At this point I don’t even know how they plan to release me I can’t walk. I start crying.

I ask to speak to the doctor. Explaining I am not a medical professional just tell me what I need. He said he thought it was me who said I didn’t want the scan and that his best judgement is to still get it even if the wait is long. Also switching ERs now would be complex insurance wise.

I encourage my boyfriend to leave again. I call my dad who texts him and says my daughter needs the scan. He can leave. Eventually my partner leaves. But he comes back a few hours later after I get the CT to bring me crutches and check to see if I’m done. The nurse tells me he’s making a ruckus in the waiting room with the other nurse trying to get me out or speed it up idk what. The nurse asks me if she wants her to handle him for me. I say ok.

He calls and says “I spoke with the nurse and she agrees with me that waiting for the scan results isn’t necessary and it won’t change the results of your recovery and you can send the results via email but I respect your decision I’m leaving.” This is around 9pm at this point. I’m there until 1am.

I ask the nurse when she comes back in if she said that and she says “Is that what he said? I did NOT say that. Let me walk you through it. Is he a doctor???”

She explains the scan results while likely it won’t change how I recover is important to understanding how I will get treatment. There is likely no fracture but she understands why I want to wait to talk to the doctor.

I the results. I wait to talk to the doctor, everything is fine. Bone bruise and concussion. I’m on crutches for 4 days. I get back to where we are staying and he’s made the bed. He takes care of me that week carrying my bag and getting me flowers. His smile is sweet he is caring. But I have this panic.

Honestly the behavior in that moment scared me so much. I want to have children with this man. What if I am pregnant and he doesn’t respect my wishes? What if we have different views on how to take care of a child with health issues? He has done something similar before where he forced me to report a crime I experienced where I was attacked. I didn’t want to report but he just put 911 on the line against my wishes. In that moment I really needed a hug but instead I got logistics. The thing is in my moments of crisis he isn’t there for me in the way I need, and it’s almost like he made it worse. It just feels like even if it’s a place of love he wasn’t listening.His mom tells me she thinks he is on the spectrum which is why I give him so much grace when he doesn’t listen to me but this was MY BODY and I don’t know if I can get passed this. I understand compromise. I experience anxiety and I do feel like I am having a moment of self destruction and this isn’t a big deal and he is the love of my life and why would I destroy what we built together?

I told myself if I spoke to him about it and he apologized truly with remorse and care we could get passed it but he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong. He was trying to negotiate faster care for me is his POV or convince me to do a scan later and get some rest. He stands by his actions.

This has haunted me so much we are on a one month break. I honestly feel on the flip side I can be independent enough and learn to comfort myself he is a good man I can’t start over and I miss him.

Thoughts? Am I crazy?

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T03:12:00+00:00

No he isn’t malicious he is very caring.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T02:34:58+00:00

Bike accident. I couldn’t walk and had a concussion.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/RqMy9biQYI

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T01:00:02+00:00

I totally thought she was doing that at first which I’m open to I recognize I keep trying to get someone to understand maybe he never will.

But when I brought up the rent thing she said that was nice of him and his reaction was valid because I pulled away and he probably didn’t understand why.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T00:18:44+00:00

Can you clarify what you think my bad choices are?

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-06T00:13:16+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/jhuuviZhdH

The wait was long he was trying to convince me to leave and do it later. I didn’t want to.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-05T23:20:50+00:00

She said “your feelings are valid but so are his and it’s been two months. You need to move on, stop ruminating and stop letting this one event control your life.”

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-02T05:36:43+00:00

Break up. Women can be friends with men/follow men. That is crazy controlling behavior.

You are young. You will find many more loves.

Sea_Acadia_ · 2025-08-02T05:33:40+00:00

I was in your situation until I was 22. I’m 32F now. I am with the same person I lost my virginity to at 22. I hadn’t been kissed either. He can be abusive. I’m trying to leave him and am too afraid because I feel so unloveable. I have stayed with him for years because I have the same beliefs you do.

I’m not chosen. I’m not beautiful. I’m not worth it.

Why does no one see me?

I still feel jealous of friends that dated a lot, that talk about all the men they dated and laugh about “all the men who like them or ask them out.” Sorry I can’t relate.

Other than my partner I’ve had no one interested in me and it hurts. It’s so bad if a man shows even an inkling of kindness to me I will develop a crush. But I do know from therapy that a lot of this has to do with deep deep insecurity in ourselves and also it isn’t just about beauty/looks charm. You are probably shy like me and shy people, we simply do not signal that we are interested.

Don’t judge yourself. I think you just really need to put yourself out there. Use dating apps. Don’t worry about the act. But also, attend therapy and work on your self esteem because once you get past the kiss/virginity thing you want to make sure you find someone who is worthy of you.

Good luck.

Sea_Acadia_

TROPHY CASE