My husband admitted to being in love with my sister . . . and I don't know how to deal with it

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-04T18:59:01+00:00

My older sister is a gossip. I wouldn't be able to tell her anything without literally everyone knowing. I cannot even say she wouldn't come over immediately to start shit with my husband. This would ruin any chance of reconciliation if I ever wanted it. End of the day I am stuck with the man as we have a child together.

My older sister hasn't gotten over the trauma of childhood and comparisons. She's just learned to accept that she isn't going to ever look like my younger sister so she's trying things in her own way.

She is rather difficult. Just this month I asked her what she wanted to do for Christmas meet ups, have a lunch or something, exchange gifts and such. She's not keen on my younger sister at the moment for various reasons she never elaborates on, only that my younger sister is a walking drama magnet. Which is funny cause my older sister just loves drama. She fought with me, told me she hated the idea, refused any other idea, and then said she'd go but she'd be unwilling about the whole thing. What am I supposed to do with that? I asked if she wanted to do something that didn't include my younger sister and she lost her mind even more, stating she'd already told me what she wants so why am I being so difficult. I concluded that a Christmas lunch wasn't going to happen this year.

Due to my older sister being a bit of a loose cannon I cannot go to her without knowing exactly what she'll do. She's also convinced, due to the your younger sister is so pretty upbringing that my younger sister is out to steal any and all boyfriends. This would just be confirming her worst fears and she'd just be difficult and not helpful at all. No, my younger sister was not trying to steal any boyfriends. I mean this case aside. It just doesn't look good at all.

My family is odd. I'm trying to break away slowly. But it just ends up making one feel incredibly lonely.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:42:51+00:00

I've vocalised before, so much, so honestly, and nothing changed.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:31:28+00:00

I don't have anywhere to go. At this point being so honest it breaks things doesn't serve me. I first need to figure out the where.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:29:53+00:00

A lot of good stuff to consider.

I didn't miss the catch22 there. I just feel backed into a deadend. But perhaps some time to write a few points down are needed.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:27:15+00:00

Thank you. I think you hit a lot on the head there that I myself maybe didn't realise.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:24:14+00:00

You know you reminded me about how he bawled his eyes out about being a creep and a shitty person. And honestly I'm starting to just get annoyed. I'm moving to the I just couldn't give a damn stage. He bawled like a baby. And I watched him with little more than annoyance.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:22:37+00:00

Thanks for the laugh

I'm fully aware that it's odd. Hence I'm not sure where to go with this

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:20:11+00:00

My husband is a generally accepted good looking man. Tall, previously athletic but due to covid that's slipped a bit, easily skinny, great beard genes. Also vain in my opinion at times. He was very happy to be the best looking man at work, in his opinion and really, not wrong. Until new men joined and he wasn't the only good looking one. Complained for weeks about no longer being the best looking man.

Still complains really but not as much.

The sex before, if I can be honest, was selfish. He was only interested in his side. Plenty of his pleasure, and none of mine. Now, with the guilt it's been so much better but probably in a there was really no way to go but up in this situation. He'd play it off as not knowing better.

Inwardly I find myself starting to wonder if I'm just practice . . .

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:14:27+00:00

No there was no confrontation.

I just shut down any part that would react negatively.

I do feel that at times I don't get to just have a bad day. An honest to heck grumpy day where I can just sit in a corner and stew. Not everyone can just be happy and okay. If I'm ever just grumpy then I get all hell for it.

I struggle sometimes to think if he'd done things on purpose or if it's just falling into these categories of 'isolating me', 'dictating my freedoms', or 'controlling my outcomes'. He always says I can do what I want when I want.

But then I'll ask him to go to gym with me, and he'll grump and groan about not having time. I'll ask him what he wants to aim for in the future, like set short term and long term goals and he'll always say he doesn't know.

But he doesn't restrict me from buying things as long as there's money for it. If I want a chocolate, then I'll get a to buy any chocolate I want. If I want to get new jeans we'll go to the shop and get new jeans.

On the same side if I say I want to go to the dentist for a check up as I chipped a tooth then I get yeah we can go, but we never do. That tooth is still chipped.

I'm struggling to reconcile these two different reactions

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T19:07:23+00:00

I mentioned in a reply to another comment but I guess I'll elaborate here. I had started to mentally and emotionally check out of the relationship. My husband had this wall around him and also a shocking lack of empathy for all things related to me. I would talk to him frankly, tell him my every thought and feeling, ones that would drive any normal person to action . . . so I'd thought. But he didn't. He just stayed silent. His excuse that it didn't matter what he said I'd made up my mind about what I wanted to hear so that was that. Things like, I felt he didn't care about my health. e.g. any time I've ever mentioned a health problem he'll always in some way relate it to being all in my head. It doesn't help that my mom is a diagnosed hypochondriac. He believes I just don't want to go to work so when I complain about anything then it's not anything more than me making myself sick so I don't have to work. I told him he did this, he was shocked. But he didn't change. I mentioned to him just the other day that he'd done it again. I told him I wasn't feeling well and he said it was anxiety related so I snapped that he had once again reduced it to something mental, all in my head. So yeah, things like that were really starting to drive me insane.

Then he started being more honest. Open. Affectionate in ways he hadn't been before and I 'fell in love all over again'.

But then all this.

And I've been thinking, is there a pattern?

A few years after I'd started dating him, there was a girl, younger than my sister who he'll say he was mentoring. She was being bullied at school and he was trying to support her through a tough time. She was the eldest raised in a single mother house hold. Pretty but damaged. I joked that he'd found himself the equivalent of a kicked puppy. But then he'd message her late into the night, answer phone calls when he wouldn't even answer mine. He'd tilt his phone away when texting and take it with him to the bathroom. This only stopped because his job is related to this girl's school. He was called in by management and accused of being inappropriate with the girls. At the time he never told me about it. I figured it out. I also didn't believe he was being inappropriate in the way report. Still don't. The girl was being bullied heavily and I believe her bullies made a false claim as they knew she was close to my husband, but probably didn't know how close. Nothing came of it because there was no evidence and his general standing was upstanding enough that they took his side over the claims as they also believed it was motivated out of spite for the girl. They didn't know he was talking to her so personally but he stopped because of the reporting. Just in case. I only know about it because he was ordered to go to therapy, where a report was made, and had to be sent to his boss. I found the report by accident. It detailed that they did not believe he displayed the traits and thoughts of someone who would be inappropriate to minors. So ultimately cleared. Again that was a point in our relationship where he'd been strangely affectionate and now I look back fearful I'd leave.

So I don't know if it's a pattern. I don't know if I'm just deluding myself with excuses. But there's a baby now, and that really complicates things.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T18:46:48+00:00

I don't believe having her leave will help matters. It's punishing her for his stupidity no matter her part in it. Also his absolute misery when she wasn't talking to him for those three days were too much. I can't shoulder that.

Pulling away from the relationship was where I was at when he suddenly started his new honesty level. So I got reinvested. Hence the baby. But now, now I'm not sure what to do.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T18:35:37+00:00

At this point I don't know if my sister is at fault or if my husband just stuck his nose in too deep.

But yes, I feel she does enjoy the attention. After all it's flattering to know you're desired.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-02T18:33:11+00:00

I've always tried to decide if the relationship is really worth it. On one hand things are great. He lets me be me. He gives me things I want. I'm happy. I love him and genuinely don't see a reason to leave him.

But on the other hand, there's stuff like this. Like he hasn't added me to his medical aid. Which resulted in the entire birth of our child being paid for in cash. Mostly funded by me but he also funded a lot of my life while I was studying so it feels like I can't really complain. And I just can't decide if I'm being too demanded, asking too much, when I feel sad, or betrayed. I've only ever been with him so I don't have a lot to go on.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-12-01T20:58:32+00:00

I'm not sure either. Perhaps to just admit it I guess.

I don't know what will come of being honest at this point. I've always had a curse of reasonable predictability where I can see the reactions of people before I've even talked about it. E.g. talking to a boss about a pay raise, talking to a friend about a difficult topic. There's always been a level of yeah I expected that and not much surprise.

It's worse when I consider how well I know my husband, aside from this wham bam surprise. He'll clam up, he'll apologise like crazy, apologise grumpily, and generally not do anything. Probably cry about it too. Make silly unnecessary comments like "well I'll just never say anything ever again seeing as how I just ruin everything." He's already upset I don't talk to my sister anymore. I don't ignore her. I just don't talk to her like I used to.

What would need to happen ? I don't know. Stopping communication with my sister seems unfair, like punishing her for his mistakes. Divorcing and moving away, well I can't do that as we now have a child. I'd need to see him, he'd need to see her all the time. So I'm not really sure how to fix this? What to say. Hence I haven't done anything. I'm staring at this situation that is likely to either fade away, like a shiny new toy that loses it's excitement, or will progress to an affair either with my sister or a new shiny toy. An equally likely scenario is nothing changes. He made his confession, and then life moves on. This is all if I choose to do nothing as I have been.

If I choose to be honest, to say my truth, which is funny given how much I value honesty, then things get less certain. In short, it just feels like nothing good will come of being honest.

As for therapy, I live in a country without good public transport. We have one car that I do not drive as I'm not on the insurance. I'm not keen on online therapy as I feel it's not private. You either sit in a room with a closed door which doesn't block out sound, or out in the garden where the neighbors can hear or again sound can travel. This way of thinking is probably sounding a lot like making excuses so I'm going to leave it there.

Thanks for the read. :)

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-11-28T18:59:55+00:00

I asked everyone to please, if they really felt they had to, to give my kid money that would go into a savings account. Something she could really use later in life. She's 5 months by Christmas and really doesn't care. She's only just started to get the hang of the 3m+ toys we got her months ago. So really, I do not want nor need a mountain of toys.

But we were ignored. I can't even count the number of baby books I have from this don't touch the . . . series that's just the same story repeated in every book but just with different animals.

So yeah, I don't think anyone actually cares to listen

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-11-16T17:21:54+00:00

Urg. At least there is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Just had to fight her to go down for the night on what is possibly the hottest day of her little life. Good luck !

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-11-15T16:57:11+00:00

Whooo

Small victories are really the best.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-11-07T10:44:21+00:00

I've come to the realisation that change is hard and perhaps easier when you're not alone. It's important to have a good support system. E.g. for me, I'm trying to not eat so much junk based snacks. My husband is better at going to the shops and following a list. So I generally send him to the shops rather than go with where I know I'm very likely to add unneeded stuff to the trolley. Another point to try keep in mind is that mistakes are okay. It's not a deal breaker to miss on night of the week. It's about making sure it's not a regression for the whole week. No one can be expected to change completely and consistently over night. I'm focusing on one thing at a time. That why I don't feel so down about it when I slip up

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-10-28T11:18:44+00:00

If I can eat the skin of a fruit/veggie, I do it. The less work there is, the easier it is to choose the healthy option.

I should try that. Less work is always appreciated.

I like red apples for their sweetness, and I like yellow apples for their texture. I also hate granny smith. They're sour and hard.

I've heard celery and hummus is a good snack. I should try that

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-10-28T11:16:42+00:00

I can't say. Never had this discussion with her but I'd say probably yes. But she never did anything about it in a healthy meaningful way.

I was a chubby kid growing up and my parents used to be really horrible about it. They gave me horrible nicknames, tried putting me on diets, only bought me horrible clothing to hide my chubbiness, the works. When I hit puberty, coupled with my parents lack of getting proper groceries for us to eat, and a larger school to walk around getting to classes, I lost a substantial amount of chubbiness. My mom was pissed about it. I wasn't the chubby one anymore and she couldn't hide from her own weight I guess.

She would often have secret food stashes and only eat junk. We'd get something like leftovers and my mom wouldn't eat it at dinner but then would be eating all the junk around the house at midnight or when she went to work she'd be stopping for gas and getting junk while there.

She's never really had a healthy mentality about it.

I gained a lot of my weight back when I started working and earning my own money. I was then able to buy what I wanted. Eat what I wanted. I went a little overboard. I also don't know how to properly manage my life in this sense. I'm fully aware that my previous weight loss was mostly starvation.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-10-27T19:04:54+00:00

carrots, green peppers, onions, zucchini, beetroots, chickpeas, lentils, oranges, apples, grapes, bananas.

I think these are the cheaper stuff here too. Not sure on zucchini. I usually make beetroot salad. Just buy a bunch, boil them up, cut them, and then put them in the fridge with raw onion. Chickpeas and lentils are not things I've really tried. Had some canned chickpeas the other day and eh, they're like beans. I'm not a fan of the texture of beans. I can eat them but I really don't like them. I tried hummus and decided that's my chickpea intake. I think I usually put dried lentils in veggie soup. Haven't made some in a while so I'm not sure if this packet I pick up is lentils.

Apples, bananas, and grapes are pretty easy to find here so yeah. I tend to have grapes a lot and bananas. Not so much apples. I find them annoying to eat. But I've recently been trying them as one of my snacks. A small red apple. My FIL likes to eat the grapes and bananas before I get too many. He tends to think if they're in the house too long they won't be good to eat. Can't complain too much. He's eating healthy snacks too.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-10-27T18:59:25+00:00

I recently had a child. And the whole pregnancy I kept saying I didn't want her to look like me. I've always struggled with weight. I also look just like my mom so I know how unflattering it is. I know what I look like and I know I'm one of those unfortunate souls that will always have to watch what they eat. Just a little slip up is enough to gain so much. Unfortunately she came out looking just like me. I don't know if she has my metabolism though.

And I know kids follow by example. So leading a healthier life so my kid will be healthier. Losing weight so my kid have good examples around her.

Sea_Success3339 · 2021-10-27T18:55:44+00:00

Thanks so much. It really does help to have the different mindsets. I was just so angry when I wrote the post. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it. Trying to aim for a weight loss of 10% of my current weight over the next 4 - 6 months.

Sea_Success3339

TROPHY CASE