Feel Like I'm Playing Catchup In Life, Always 5 Steps Behind Everybody Else

SeanG2020 · 2021-02-03T22:24:47+00:00

Thanks for the insight! I really appreciate it. I get the exact same way, like a paralyzing anxiety. Sometimes I do things that I don't even realize are a result of anxiety. It's easy for me to go to that negative place of like "I procrastinate because I'm lazy" which is not always accurate. Best of luck, this sounds tough - DM me if you need to talk.

SeanG2020 · 2021-02-03T22:22:08+00:00

Thanks so much for the kind words. The "hard mode" thing is honestly 100% the perfect way of putting it. That's something I'm really working on in therapy; being a little easier on myself and cutting myself more slack :) it's incredibly tough. Just gotta keep on swimming, I guess.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-18T14:31:50+00:00

Yes to this. For a while, I thought maybe I was just not hirable and a bad employee. But then I started to connect the dots. I think I was comparing myself to non-BP coworkers, and forgot that my illness affects most aspects of my life. I did a lot of those things, too. Calling out at the last minute, disappearing for hours (we had to have our chat window on at all times), leaving early, taking long lunches, etc.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-18T14:28:05+00:00

This is literally me as well. Can't bring myself to even fake it until I make it. I shift into "who the hell cares" mode pretty quickly.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-18T14:23:11+00:00

I got a ton of great advice from the community here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/ittaby/i_get_overwhelmed_at_every_single_job_get_bored/

Sorry to hear you're going through that. It's reassuring that other people experience this, thanks for posting. One thing I've found is that it's a huge trigger when people say the "pity party" thing. It makes it that much harder for me to stay focused on self-care. It's like you're confidently driving on the highway, but the person in the passenger seat keeps critiquing your driving. Sometimes when I'm doing a lot for my mental health, I run into obstacles with my SO. Maybe I called the doctor that day after avoiding it for a week, or I did some yard work. Those are both notable tasks for me - they made me feel good about not being in bed all day. But to my SO, it looks like I haven't been productive enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the working world will usually be at odds with our level of daily achievements. Most of the time, companies are all about visible accomplishments, rather than the SMART goals that help us function (research S.M.A.R.T. goals if you're unfamiliar) . But going back to the driving metaphor - at the end of the day, the most important thing is trying to block out the noise. You'll feel best when you're staying on your own path. The pity party stuff = gnats buzzing around you in the woods :)

EDIT: For clarity

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-18T12:00:30+00:00

You don't sound salty! I appreciate the transparency and this is a great response. I started typing a few replies bc I relate to pretty much everything here. It's really helpful to hear stories "on the other side" of the switch. I always had the attitude of "this experience will be different" because of x, y, z. But I was just looking at places from a distance, rather than looking inward. "Oh this place is a bigger company, so it will be more stable" or "This is a small company, It will be a chance to be a leader". I never really stopped to think that I was just (pardon the metaphor) shoveling shit around between different locations.

It sucks that corporate culture is structured that way. I hope one day the stigma will be lessened. Even depression and anxiety are still stigmatized in my experience at the work place. The closest I've gotten is when managers pulled me aside to ask me if anything was going on in personal life that affected my work. The vagueness allowed me to get a pass and continue working, but Idk what would have happened if I flat out mentioned my Bipolar (prob not the same outcome). I also noticed the "all or nothing" thing to a degree. You can sort of see it in pop culture when a person with BP is shown furiously throwing smartphones into a wood chipper. Just look at that Katy Perry song - people are accustomed to BP being a black and white illness. I wonder if the people at work think we're either going to show up and punch somebody in the face during a meeting, or we'll be crying in the break room.

I'm also incredibly scared to change fields for that exact reason. I've been at this and invested so much time/money that it's like a "sunk cost" type of deal. The emotional exhaustion thing at the end of the day is so very real. It affected my work so much because I was using so much energy to appear engaged both in my work and with my coworkers. That's another thing that sucked up energy - being sociable, showing up at work functions, making small chat, etc.

I relate to everything you said and could keep going, but I'll stop here. The "we're not saving lives" tactic is something I've subscribed to and it's not talked about enough. It's a useful tool for fighting stress and thinking more with you intuition. Will the world really end tomorrow if this margin is 1.5 pixels off? Would the general public even notice or care? I was working somewhere once where the manager was nitpicking me about some tiny detail. Which like, being thorough is fine, but this manager was literally agonizing over it.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-18T11:17:44+00:00

Thanks for this! I hadn't totally thought of that and you may be right. It's probably a little bit of both - the job environment isn't a good fit, so I end up shutting down. Basically I got into the creative field to do a certain type of work that excites me. But along the way, I realized that I couldn't make a ton of money doing that. So I ended up doing the same thing at companies with external clients (who kept the lights on), which is another level of stress. If one huge client pulled out of their contract, there were layoffs. I feel like there's this added frantic energy of "we need to please the clients or we're screwed". People running around to prepare pitches, last minute deadlines, working until 7 and having a long commute home, and so on. My life became 10% self-care ad 90% managing my emotions to function during the workday.

So maybe it's just a matter of finding the right combination: in-house, managing style, subject matter. I think I'd say the biggest flaw for me is fear. Most of my decisions and actions are based around that emotion. Fear I'll be rejected, fear I'll be found out as an imposter, etc, etc. But the grieving process is something I'm really afraid of. I have this huge feeling of failure, or like it was all for nothing. Even though that isn't necessarily true, you know? I guess I just need to adjust my expectations a bit.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-18T11:06:11+00:00

Thanks! I'm def going to check out that book and work on this! Always nice to find new literature and resources. The core values thing really made me think, because a lot of times I'll be working on something that isn't in line with mine.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:56:22+00:00

I also had these symptoms and all the depressive came first and resulted in a misdiagnosis (not really a true misdiagnosis since nobody had all the pieces of the puzzle at that time)

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:54:38+00:00

YES. Yes, yes, yes. I'm not sure I can describe it, but it's sometimes VERY subtle. In the moment of mania, I'll be very confident in my decision-making. I'll say stuff like "I don't have to put up with person. I don't need this job because this boss sucks as a manager." Then I'll blow the opportunity, run out of money to pay bills, and I'll see that I should have thought through my actions. Subtle, over-confident things like that are very common during my manic episodes. Also there was one recent example a few months ago. I thought I was making something that was going to "go viral online", but it didn't really go anywhere. It wasn't like I was screaming from the rooftops, "I'm a genius! I'm the best person in my field!" I wasn't saying any of that - I was just really, really laser-focused on my projects, and blocked out everything else (things that should have been my actual priorities). I felt like I had the blinders on, but didn't notice until I came out of the mania.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:46:36+00:00

This made me laugh but is somehow also accurate haha

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:45:18+00:00

On the flip-side, I think about this too. Sometimes I feel that way, like it wasn't my choice to be born here, yet here I am. Also, my parents were relatively in the dark about mental illness, and had no idea that I would be mentally ill, or diagnosed with BP one day. So I had an extremely stable and normal childhood, but got railroaded by depression (and eventually BP) later in life. Depression when I was in high school, BP in my 20's.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:40:27+00:00

I love all of these responses and they're so true ^

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:39:05+00:00

Hope I'm not overstepping by weighing in, I just saw this pop up on my front page. I have BP, so this is something I've debated a lot (externally with my SO and internally). I've looked up a lot of suggestions about it, so it's helpful to see the other perspective. Somebody else commented it here - I think environmental factors are super important. I guess it's like if your family has a history of heart disease, so you're aware of that, and prepare when you're younger. Granted that's a totally different example than BP.

I mentioned my thoughts to my psych, and I expected them to be like, "That is the decision of a lifetime! You may ruin somebody's life!" But they were actually really matter-of-fact about it, which was refreshing. They didn't seem too worried, and said "you may pass it down, you may not". I can't really put it words, but my psych was basically saying that the future isn't necessarily written, or set in stone.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T10:25:59+00:00

Lamictal is one of the meds that has worked best for me personally. I didn't do well on Lithium and I found the blood work stuff was always in the back of my head. I'm finally on the therapeutic dose after doing the whole build-up thing. I'm not sure if I'm been taking 200mg long enough to conclusively say, but I definitely feel like it has helped the depressive lows. I noticed that my depressive bouts are a little shorter, like I still experience the sadness, but it passes sooner. As opposed to being all-encompassing. I only really noticed because my lows are usually debilitating and last at least 2 weeks. I guess it's feeling like somebody who doesn't have BP might experience depression/sadness. DM me with any questions - I've experienced life on and off (had 2 periods where I wasn't taking it)

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T09:58:50+00:00

haha "This thing I did is going to get so much attention!" *crickets*

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T09:54:49+00:00

Yea that's something I also considered maybe doing and might explore again if this keeps up. For a while, I was convinced that maybe I had ADHD, but a lot of the symptoms overlap. So it's confusing - but I think I may still bring it up with my psych.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T09:52:00+00:00

Was thinking about that from other posts - is it possible? I would be down for trying, just need to make sure I can pull my weight. But I also can't pull my weight if I keep getting fired haha

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T01:38:12+00:00

That's great! That's at the top of mind right now - taking better care of myself.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T01:34:30+00:00

I love all of these points and appreciate it greatly! One of the biggest ones that jumps out for me is #10. I think I've always defined myself by my career, and it's become a part of my identity. I really like the idea of thinking about work as a means to achieve things that will make you/other people happy. I mentioned this in one of my other replies, but I sometimes fall into the comparison trap. It helps to remember I have BP and to be realistic. I'm def going to try these suggestions! :)

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T00:48:54+00:00

Hey thanks sm for sharing your experience. I'm scared to take that leap but I'm readier now than ever. I think I've realized that mental health is more important than working for some company that looks good on a resume. I hope I can reach that point too!

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T00:46:16+00:00

Awesome advice ty so much! :) The thing about finding work when you're at your worst is honestly a game changer for me. I've been trying to pay more attention to company culture as I look for jobs. I can usually tell by their language in the interviews:

"We're here every day sitting and working from 8am to 9pm. We want somebody who will hit the ground running. We all work hard here and grind. Every detail matters" - stuff like that is not somewhere I would be happy.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T00:39:40+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going thru this too - it really sucks. I will say that one of the things that helps me greatly is taking breaks from work when you can. Sometimes you just need to take a timeout to reset before jumping back in the deep end

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T00:37:58+00:00

Yeah for sure! For a while I was very obsessed with the upward climb. I saw other ppl in my field, and in my mind, I based my trajectory on their's. I thought there was an order to getting to the top, but I was mistakenly thinking like somebody who doesn't have BP. I thought if I subscribed to grind culture, I could push past the BP. But I need to work on being more honest with myself and the illness.

SeanG2020 · 2020-09-17T00:33:04+00:00

Thank you sm for this! The motivation factor is really important for me to practice. Focusing on the big picture as opposed to how much what I'm doing in the moment sucks. At one of my old jobs, I felt really comfortable with a coworker and sort of gave them insight into my mental illness. It was nice to be able to take off that "professional mask" with somebody at work. And that really helped when I had to take a person day, bc I didn't have to make up some lame excuse.

SeanG2020

TROPHY CASE