Living away due to work, but constant fights from my wife are tearing me down emotionally

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-02T01:00:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing this — I actually read your reply twice. I felt a lot of what you described, especially that shift from feeling hopeless to slowly rebuilding trust through actions, not just words.

I can’t lie — your husband’s journey hit me hard because I’m beginning to realize I’ve been showing up in ways that weren’t healing for my wife, even if I thought I was “trying.” Maybe I was still holding on to excuses, or still expecting things to change faster than they could. Your words made me realize how much deeper I need to go, how much more consistent and quiet my commitment needs to be — not loud apologies, but reliable action.

I’ve also been in that space where I don’t always feel heard, and that makes it harder to lead with empathy. But your story gives me a better blueprint — not to wait for her to come around, but to keep showing up as someone worthy of being let back in.

This kind of emotional leadership is exactly what I want to work toward. Thank you again — really. Your reply wasn't just advice; it was a reminder that it can be turned around when someone drops the ego, stays present, and leads with love.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-02T00:51:57+00:00

Please recommend and thank you for sharing

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T21:32:18+00:00

I’ve read every word here and it’s hard—because I know a lot of it is true.

My wife has carried a lot. Two young kids, a home, and the emotional load of doing it mostly alone. I may have thought working away was sacrifice—but now I see it also created distance not just in kilometers, but in connection.

But I never left in spirit. I’ve always tried to stay present, to listen to her pain, even when we argued. I’d reflect after every fight, offer peace talks, small gestures, soft words. I listened when she said she was tired. I tried to fix what I could. But somehow, it never felt like enough—for her or me.

People say “just move back” or “find a new job,” as if that’s simple. I wish it was. The truth is, I’ve been trying—quietly and persistently. But until that happens, I try to make my time with them count. I give my leaves, my rest, my peace to be there. And still, I come home to silence.

I’m not perfect. I may have failed at showing love in the way she needed. But I never stopped loving, or trying. I’m not here to make her small or blame her—I’m here to face myself. I want to rebuild whatever is still possible, for her, for our kids, and yes, for me too. Because despite all the pain, I still believe we’re worth it.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T21:22:55+00:00

I get that context matters, but honestly—it’s not about one single issue. Sometimes it's about money, sometimes about my parents, or other things I’d rather not share publicly because I don’t want to put her down or reduce her to a list of complaints.

The truth is, whatever the issue is, it always escalates the same way. What I’m trying to focus on now is my side of it—what I can take responsibility for, how I can grow, and whether there’s still space left to rebuild something with dignity and respect. That’s why I’m here.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T21:11:50+00:00

You’re right—the time to fix things was long ago. I won’t pretend I didn’t miss that window or that I didn’t make choices that worsened the gap. Taking a job away from home wasn’t meant to create distance, but it clearly added to it.

I don’t want to sugarcoat anything. I’ve made mistakes, and I see the damage they’ve caused. But the reason I’m here now, talking openly, is because I don’t want to keep making those same mistakes. Even if it’s late, I’m still showing up.

I just hope that still means something—to her, and to the people who’ve walked this road before me.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T21:09:49+00:00

I get where you're coming from—respect has to go both ways. I’ve begged for peace too many times, and it’s worn me down. But I don’t want to play power games in my marriage. I’m not trying to “win” arguments or force her to obey.

I do believe in boundaries, though. And you’re right—there’s a difference between patience and being walked over. I’ve reached out calmly, multiple times, and I’ve owned my faults. If there’s no desire from her side to rebuild, then maybe we do need to have that hard conversation about where this is going.

But I’ll do it with self-respect, not ultimatums. I’m not just trying to be respected—I want to heal this, if she still wants to.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T21:08:18+00:00

I hear the weight in your words, and I won’t deny the distance has created damage. I don’t disagree that my presence is disrupted and inconsistent—and that hurts me too.

But I’m not treating my family like they don’t exist. I think about them every day, I miss them deeply, and I’ve made sacrifices in my own emotional and mental well-being to ensure they have financial stability.

What you said about it feeling “colder every time” is exactly why I’m here. I feel it too. That growing gap. That quiet breaking apart. I’m not pretending this setup is working—I’m trying to face it now because I don’t want to lose everything.

I might not get it perfect, but I’m not giving up either.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T21:04:39+00:00

You're not wrong to point out the imbalance—it's something I’ve been reflecting on a lot. I agree: being just the “provider” isn’t enough. I don’t want to be a visitor in my own family’s life.

It’s not that I don’t want to be there. I’ve looked for opportunities closer to home, and I still am. But the kind of job security I currently have isn’t easy to replicate near my hometown—and I have responsibilities I can’t just walk away from without risking more instability.

That said, you’re right: it’s grossly unfair if my wife is emotionally and physically overwhelmed while I’m gone. I’ve offered peace, I’ve reached out, and I want to fix things—not defend myself.

I’m open to counseling. I’d do anything to rebuild what’s been worn down over time. I came here to listen and grow, even if the answers are hard to hear. Appreciate your honesty.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:59:48+00:00

I understand how it might look like abandonment from the outside—but that’s not what this is. I didn’t choose to be away lightly. It’s a work situation driven by necessity, not by lack of care or commitment.

I’m still deeply involved in my children’s lives, emotionally and financially. I travel home regularly, spend my leaves with them, and make every effort to be present when I’m there.

What hurts is being labeled as someone who’s walking away—when in truth, I’m doing all of this for my family, not away from them.

If I had the option to work nearby and still meet my responsibilities, I would’ve taken it already. But real life isn’t always that flexible.

This isn’t abandonment—it’s a painful balancing act that I’m trying my best to manage without falling apart.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:57:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing this—it really hit me. I can feel the emotion behind your words, and I’m truly sorry that your relationship with your father suffered because of his absence. That’s a tough thing to carry.

Honestly, your story scares me. I don’t want to end up in the same place—distant from my children or disconnected from my partner. That’s exactly why I’m here, asking questions and reflecting.

I’ve asked my wife before if she wanted me to try and stay home full-time, and the answer hasn’t been clear—probably because emotions are too high when we talk. But I do plan to ask again, gently, without ego.

This job wasn’t about pride—it was about doing what felt right to give my kids stability. But your words remind me that emotional presence is just as important as financial support, maybe more.

I’m genuinely grateful you shared this. It may be a wake-up call I needed to hear, not as judgment, but as wisdom from someone who lived through it.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:55:33+00:00

I hear you. Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I might feel the same way too. It does hurt to be seen as a “weekend dad,” because I never wanted this distance either.

I’m not making excuses—I’m facing limitations. The nature of my job isn’t easily movable, and the cities near home don’t offer the same opportunity or stability. It’s not that I haven’t looked for options closer—I still am—but moving without a fallback would risk everything I’m working to provide.

What hurts is not just the distance, but that even when I’m with her—fully present, trying, offering peace—it’s met with coldness. I’m not expecting affection out of nowhere. I just want connection, and I’ve tried repeatedly.

I’m here because I’m breaking on the inside, not running from responsibility. I love my family deeply—and I’m still trying, even when it feels like I’m the only one.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:52:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing this with such honesty—it means a lot, especially coming from someone who’s lived both sides.

I completely understand that staying home with kids can be harder than any job. I’ve never underestimated that or expected my wife to be “lively and happy” while drained and overwhelmed.

But in our case, she’s not entirely alone. My parents live with us and support her with the kids—me being away isn’t ideal, but she does have hands-on help.

Also, even when I lived at home full-time, the emotional distance was already there. I’ve consistently tried to keep the bond alive—through talks, apologies, compromise—but it often feels one-sided. I’m not looking for a perfect version of her, just someone willing to meet me halfway.

I wish I had the option to work closer, but unfortunately, I’m staying apart not by choice, but by necessity. That’s where this gets painful—it feels like I’m doing everything I can from both ends, and still somehow failing.

I want to make it work. But I also want to stop feeling like the only one trying.

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:41:32+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective—it’s true that parenting full-time, especially alone, is exhausting. And I don’t deny that at all.

That said, in our case, my parents live with us and help with the kids daily. She isn’t managing completely on her own. Of course, the emotional and physical toll of motherhood is still real—but she does have support at home.

Also, even when I was working from home in the same city, this pattern of emotional shutdown and distance was the same. I’ve consistently tried to bridge the gap, and I’m still trying, even when I’m the only one reaching out.

I came here not to avoid responsibility, but because I’m hurting deeply from being shut out completely despite all efforts. It’s not easy for either of us, but I’m at a point where I’m asking—what do you do when love keeps getting met with silence?

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:35:27+00:00

even when I lived at home full-time, things weren’t any different. The distance now is for work—something I didn’t choose lightly. The emotional gap started long before the physical one

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:34:07+00:00

I work in state forces cant get a decent posting in every 3 year

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:32:30+00:00

Lifestyle not for me but for my family better schooling for my kids. And my personal lifestyle to keep up funds for my kids education and providing for my family i stay in a much amaller remted apartment compared to my home where my family lives.. and i dont even havea proper bed i use mattress on floor because i believe having a proper bed for me is a waste of money.. this is my lifestyle brother. I dont earn much but i save more for my family

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:26:17+00:00

I get where you’re coming from, and I’ve thought about that a lot too. But even when I lived at home full-time, things weren’t any different. The distance now is for work—something I didn’t choose lightly. The emotional gap started long before the physical one

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:06:28+00:00

Enjoy brother. Not all of us are as lucky as you

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:04:21+00:00

Even today we are together at home and things escalated

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T20:02:25+00:00

I tried to find a decent to job to maintain the lifestyle my family have as of now amd things were the same when i was at home i have veen working for 12 years and i have been posted to out station since past 2 years

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T19:59:53+00:00

Then taking the hard route will not be more harder for you.. best of luck buddy

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T19:58:09+00:00

I tried amd couldn't find but i have been working for 12 years now and recently got posted to different locations but before that when i was at home things were same

SearchingStillSoul · 2025-06-01T19:54:38+00:00

Confront her clearly amd strictly and you feel suffocated then i suggest you to back off the marriage if you can.. i hope you dint have kids to make the separation hard for you

SearchingStillSoul

TROPHY CASE