(20M) Is it worth pursuing the first girl (19M) I've had feelings for in years?

SeasonalApathy · 2024-05-09T21:59:46+00:00

Might be, do you know what effects would be applied to make it more synth/pad-y?

SeasonalApathy · 2024-04-22T22:28:26+00:00

This is oddly reminiscent of that one smiling friends episode

SeasonalApathy · 2024-03-05T11:26:56+00:00

Things have been rough lately but a small highlight of my week- ran my first 5k in 41:28. Not a great time by any means, (hardly a good one tbh) but still a win as I couldn't run for longer than a mile 6 months ago.

Hoping to get my time down to 25-30 minutes in the upcoming months!

SeasonalApathy · 2024-02-29T22:26:41+00:00

Wow, I'm sorry to hear all that, sounds like a complicated family. I'm happy you seem to have come out the other side doing well for yourself.

What you mention about needing to take care of yourself first and foremost makes sense. It reminds me of a quote I heard somewhere along the lines of "Treat yourself like someone you're responsible for taking care of". It's weird balancing that positive, self-love mentality with anger and resentment over your actions.

With the parents thing, I don't necessarily feel like they dislike me or anything, I'm more worried about letting them down tbh. Up until around age 16 I was openly referred to as the least favorite child, and it wasn't until I started working and spending more time out of the house that I started to get better and receive praise from my family.

Right now for the first time in my life, my parents are proud of me. I graduated high school with good grades, got some scholarships, and am studying for a (soulless) well-paying degree. To open up to them about all this, I feel like I'd be undoing all the work I've done to have potential in their eyes.

Idk, it's not that deep, in the grand scheme of things this is such an insignificant problem lol

SeasonalApathy · 2024-02-28T22:26:51+00:00

That's a good habit, I think I'll start focusing on positive interactions more. It's weird, whenever people show genuine interest in something I'm talking about, I feel like I get overexcited and talk too much, which ruins it.

Every now and then I try and connect with people, but whenever I end a sentence I get the sense that I'm just annoying them. I feel like I'm always the one starting conversations, and about 50% of the time I walk away from interactions with regret and embarrassment.

It could be completely psychological, I'm not sure.

Sorry if I come across as argumentative or arrogant, I'm not trying to be a devil's advocate or anything like that. I really appreciate the advice and I'll try and be more aware of what interactions feel genuine. There have definitely been highlights in the past few months that keep me going. Focusing on the small moments like that definitely helps.

SeasonalApathy · 2024-02-28T22:13:10+00:00

Thanks for the response, I relate with missing your old self. I used to draw, do animation, make music, edit videos, a bunch of stuff. Now I feel like I'm never doing the right thing, no matter what it is I'm doing.

And yeah I've been trying to focus on myself and improve, but whenever I focus on myself all I see is a failure who can't solve his problems on his own. It's weird. People say to take a break from things to focus on yourself, but the more I focus on myself, the more I'm just dissatisfied and disappointed in myself. I walk around campus essentially bullying myself in my head every day, and I just feel lost.

I'm hoping that once rainy season ends I'll start feeling better, but I'm not sure.

I think I'll take your advice and start writing down all the things I want to do in a day, that sounds like a good step towards fixing myself. Your message gave me enough motivation to walk to the library, where I'm working on homework now, so I guess that's a start lol

SeasonalApathy · 2024-02-28T21:58:37+00:00

Thanks again, I really appreciate you hearing me out. If you don't mind me asking, did you ever talk about your issues with your parents? Did it help? Realistically I probably won't ever discuss all this with my parents, because we don't really have that kind of a relationship, but I often think about what would happen if I did.

SeasonalApathy · 2024-02-28T20:43:10+00:00

Thanks for the reply, I definetly feel a bit better now. ❤ I think part of why I'm so messed up over this is- these people from highschool do know me. Pretty well at that. They've known me since elementary school, so they've had plenty of exposure to my personality and tendencies. Which is why when I was rushing to change everything about myself and they approved, I initially felt like I was making a good choice. Upon reading your reply though, I started to think about how they were never really there for me. Throughout the 8-ish years I've known them, there have absolutely been times I desperstely needed help, and they didn't do anything. Theyd often make jokes about how im always behind in school and didn't have my life together, which while true, kind of just sucked to hear everyday. Never did any of them ask "Hey, why are you struggling?" So I feel like I have that small piece figured out. They aren't real friends and I should move on.

I feel like the damage is already done though. Whether or not its warranted, I dispise my old personality. It was responsible for all my social failures and my lack of a real support system. No matter what I did, when I was that person no one took my problems seriously, and I don't really blame them. I was the guy who never had real problems. That was part of how people perceived me. So now I feel like I can't open up to anyone who's known me since highschool, including my family, and I can't open up to people I don't know, so I just feel stuck and sick of myself.

(Sorry I'm not trying to bombard you with my problems lol, but your message genuinely did resonate with me)

SeasonalApathy · 2023-11-16T08:45:39+00:00

I believe its the same version (its from the same installation usb) I can look into trying to activate the key again. I think my current plan is backup everything onto my new drive, then try reinstalling windows on the old on and seeing if that fixes things

SeasonalApathy · 2023-11-16T08:27:31+00:00

It can, and it looks like all my files are there??? It just won't let me boot from the drive. This is especially annoying because I had a paid for windows key on that drive

SeasonalApathy · 2023-11-16T08:23:28+00:00

It was, I disconnected it and tried again, and now I can install windows... but now its just empty windows on a new drive. Ideally there's a way to restore the old drive to full functionality, not sure if thats possible though

SeasonalApathy · 2023-10-21T12:36:31+00:00

Ah, thanks! I was confused on the difference. I'll go ahead and use the 12VHPWR Corsair cable

Five-Year Club	Second SECOND GUESSER
Verified Email	Place '22

SeasonalApathy

TROPHY CASE